43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Changing Mindsets May 11, 2021

Apparently easier said than done. I am still having some issues with my ego/pride/whatever with the whole Mr. OoT thing. I am trying my best to change all the ‘what ifs’, ‘why not mes’ and replaying our past over and over while overthinking the entire shitshow to more positive and Grey-Centric thoughts. More positivity, more empowering, more trust in the universe. I’m loaded up on crystals and stones, Stuart Smalley affirmations and screenshots of every meme I come across that has anything remotely to do with narcissism, codependency, trauma bonds, empaths.

Who knew I’d kinda suck at this? Oh yeah, most of us. Darn it. I remember a movie with Gwynneth Paltrow (no clue how she spells her name) and Ben Affleck (again, no clue how he spells his name) titled something like Closing Doors or Switching Doors or honestly, I have no clue. I didn’t see the movie but think it was all about how different your life would be if you made just one decision differently. Headed in an opposite direction. Took a right instead of a left. Took a leap of faith. Ran instead of walked. Not sure if this is even what the movie was about but that’s what this post is about.

I am the decider of my future. My decisions effect my future. No one else’s. While I realize that this isn’t 100% true in the literal sense, I need to worry less about what others are thinking and doing and realize that I am in charge of my own happiness. I KNOW that Mr. OoT was bad for me. I just can’t figure out why I can’t get my thoughts/heart in alignment with this. Unless I figure this out, I am destined to repeat this pattern and damn, that’s just no good for anyone! Those of you that were with me thru the years of TD angst will agree whole heartedly. 😉

As desperate times call for desperate measures, I have done what I have always made fun of others for doing. I ordered some self help books. Yes, feel free to unfollow/unfriend me. I have always felt that everyone should be able to figure their own shit out. At least I’ve always felt that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I am having some challenges this time around and have realized that I have a pretty destructive pattern. That’s entirely my doing and no one else’s. I can almost pinpoint it back to when it started but as I am the creator of my reality and I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I need to figure this shit out. I am trying to figure out why I hold on for long and so tightly. Why I feel I need to ‘fix’ others. Why I (almost always) put others’ best interests before my own. Why I give people so many chances.

If you all knew me in college, you would ask who the hell I am these days. I often joke that my ‘luck’ in romance is karma kicking my ass for all the fun I had when I was younger. I WAS in charge of it all. My feelings, my lack of attachment, my ability to detach when needed, my ability to attract just about everyone; friends, boyfriends, allies, enemies. Ha, I never had enemies. Well, unless you count that one crazy girl who threw a drink in my face at a bar once. I probably kissed a guy she liked. Who knows.

Anywhoo, the buck stops here. I AM a good person. I DO deserve love. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I DO deserve to be happy. I promise to be back with less angst and more dating stories. As of right now, the only dating stories I have are that of my BFF. She’s quite the hot ticket in town. 😉 Good for her. Beware though, I’m coming for you …… ❤