The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Support January 31, 2018

It’s important.  And I’m not talking about in a new bra kinda way.  Although I did just get some of those in the anticipation that someone might actually see them in the not so distant future, but we all know how that went.  So for now, it’s just me & my dog that get to partake in the visual.  However, my online dates get to benefit from the newly found perk.  But I digress …..

I fixate.  A lot.  For a strong, independent Type A personality, I am oddly needy and insecure at times.  Usually around men.  Oh hell, who am I kidding?  Always around men. Men that I like. No clue when this all started as I didn’t used to be this way.  I was the one in college that would party with, sleep with and not give a care about some of the hottest and nicest guys on campus.  I just wasn’t worried about it.  I was young and cute and had my shit together.  That seems like a lifetime ago.

Anywhoo, you all know my new theory about dating down.  About only dating guys that don’t make me insane.  Only dating guys that I will be happy to see, but not obsess about if I don’t.  The way I fixate on men is truly disturbing.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean fixate in a Glenn Close, boiled pet bunny sort of way.  My fixations only wreak havoc on my own psyche and that of my friends as they have to listen to me spin out of control.

I was out with my best girlfriend in town last night.  Her son and several of his friends were there as well.  I stated my new dating decision to her.  She looked at me inquisitively and I said, with as much self awareness as I’ve always had ‘I just can’t handle dating men that I’m totally into; it makes me a little insane’.  Being the good and supportive friend that she is, she rolled her eyes and declared ‘no shit’.  She fully supports this new decision of mine.

I am off to meet a new online date.  I promise you that if he is too handsome, too nice, too smart, too witty, too anything, that I will high tail it out of there as fast as I can.  Here’s hoping that he’s ‘just nice enough’ for me to not spin out of control……..

 

Dating Down January 29, 2018

Now, before anyone jumps my shit, take a deep breath and just read. Dating down has many connotations. Most of them negative. It implies that you’re better than someone else. That they aren’t as worthy. That they aren’t up to your standards. That is NOT what I am referring to. I don’t look down on others. Well, I do, but not my brave online dates, and if it happens, they usually deserve it for being a shitty human being.

I’m not a shitty person. As a matter of fact, I’m a damn good person. A damn good person who’s a pretty good catch. A damn good person who doesn’t need anyone else’s money. A damn good person who doesn’t care what a person has, but instead cares about who they are as person. A damn good person with some pretty significant insecurities. A damn good person who often hides these insecurities under a thick layer of self deprecation, humor and sarcasm. I’m nothing if not self aware. I know I can be an idiot a lot sometimes. I know at times that I have the emotional maturity of a petulant 7 year old. I own it though. I own it all. All my shit that is tied up in nice little compartments with decorative bows.

Dating down has nothing to do with looks or character or wealth or height or weight or anything that you can put your finger on. It has to do with me owning my shit. It has been proven time and time again that I cannot handle dating someone that I’m totally into. I turn into this crazy insecure idiot that I do not like. It brings out ALL of my insecurities and makes me question (and ultimately ruin) everything. You don’t believe me? Remember everyone’s favorite douchebag TD? The one who ruined my life (and blog) for more than 2 years more like 4years? The one that made me question absolutely everything about myself and what I brought to the table? The one who stole my happy from me and morphed from the most amazing man ever, to one of the worst? I know I had something to do with that. I always do. No one is ever blameless.

I just can’t handle really liking someone. NYE date is a prime example. I went out with the guy twice. I really liked him. If I didn’t get a text from him each morning or if he took too long to respond to a text of mine (according to my fucked up time frame), my mind would take over and I’d start spinning. It’s insane. It makes ME feel insane. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to do it anymore.

In the spirit of self preservation, I have decided that I can only date men that I am fairly ‘meh’ about. Guys that I like, but that I’m not 100% into. This doesn’t mean they’re not good people or unattractive, it’s just men that for whatever reason, I don’t connect with. I’m a great date with guys that I’m not all that into. I don’t second guess everything I say. I don’t worry about what they’ll think. I don’t worry if they think I’m pretty. Or if my ass looks big in these jeans. I’m just my authentic self, say what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

I have had a couple ‘meh’ dates since I moved here. I was funny and witty and charming and the guys liked me. They wanted to go out again. I agreed. Nothing has been set up yet, though. Here’s the difference: whereas I would start spinning from not hearing from a guy I like within 2 days (okay, who am I kidding, within 2 hours), I’m actually okay not hearing from them. I don’t obsess over it. My mind doesn’t create stories. My insecurities don’t come racing to the forefront. I’m okay either way hearing from them or not.

While this may sound shitty, I don’t think it is. It could be one of those things where ‘love grows’ or whatever such bullshit you read in a greeting card. I just know that for me, it’s ‘safer’ for me to not care so much. To not be so invested. To not have my mind spinning out of control. I’ve heard time and again people say that you should be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I always thought that sounded pretty sad and was a bunch of bullshit. I think that’s what I need to do though. I can’t handle it otherwise ……

 

Deleted …. And, What Did You Just Ask Me? May 22, 2017

I deleted my last online profile.  Again.  I also waved goodbye to Bumble.  Yes, Again.  I have neither the time nor inclination to do the online dating ‘dance’ right now.  To give you an idea, here are the last 3 interactions I’ve had with online guys:

Bachelor #1: Hi, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Going to an outdoor concert with a group of friends, You?

Bachelor #1: I’m in Costa Rica.  Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, well you win!  I hope you’re having an amazing time.  I’m going with a group of friends that I go with every year.

Bachelor #1: Do I know any of them?

Me: What the fuck?! We’ve never met, how would I know?  Uhm, I have no clue if we have any friends in common

Bachelor #1: I know, LOL

end scene……….

Bachelor #2 is the one that I met last Monday.  He texts me Friday morning to see if I was in town this weekend, as I’ve been away the past 3 weekends.  I let him know that I actually AM in town this weekend!  And then nothing …….. nice.  The most annoying part is that, just for a millisecond, I allowed myself to get a little excited that he wanted to see me again.

Bachelor #3 texts me with ‘hello beautiful’ about every 3 days while making no effort or mention of ever actually meeting.  2 days ago he sent me a flower emoji.  Today he sent me a ‘thinking of you, Grey Goose’.  I will NEVER understand the ‘penpal’ mentality of so many people online.  If I want to text one liners with someone twice a week, I can do that with friends.  Why go on a dating site if you never want to meet?

So, for now, I will stick with getting my butt in gear for that big change that I mentioned a post or two ago and not worry about men.  Or boys, as the case may be….

 

Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking. Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’. I’ve almost perfected it. Almost. Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things. On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing. Just some. No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man? The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met? The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet? The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck? The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet? The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again? Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened. Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine. Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there. He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What? He’s right there, on my home page! Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me. That I was his Plan B. I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh. Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened. And he told me. And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit. He apologized for being a flake. He apologized for not contacting me. He apologized for not following through. He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on. I LOVE roller coasters! Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex. The ex that I counseled him on. The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous. The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with. You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this? Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times? How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……

 

 Listening & Hearing Are Two Completely Different Things…. March 6, 2017

Or something like that.  Cheryl, one of my lovely (and apparently bored) followers has asked for an update on Mr. Met In Person. As I try my best to oblige (and really have nothing better to do), here ya’ go!

I met Mr. In Person well, in person.  Duh.  We had a great talk and really hit it off.  He asked for my number, I got all giddy and ridiculous and thought how awesome it was for someone to ask, in person, for my number rather than going through the angst and potential disaster of  meeting someone from online.  Yey me.

He then proceeded to not call me.  Super.  Once we finally did connect, he asked me out.  Yippeee!  However, it took us several tries for us to get our schedules in sync.  He works ridiculously long hours and is very VERY set in his schedule.  Although I’m a busy gal as well and often escape out of town on weekends, I tried my best to accommodate his limited availability.

We went out several times and really seemed to hit it off.  He’s a GOOD guy.  Good enough that I sort of forgave his admittedly shit-show of a personal life and ‘situation’ with his not yet to be ex wife.  Oopsie, he kinda forgot to tell me that fun tidbit until last week.  He still shares a house with his not yet ex wife and their son.  As ridiculous as that sounds to me, I do have friends that have done the same thing for the perceived benefit of their child.  While I don’t agree with this and feel that people don’t give their kids enough credit for ‘knowing what’s going on’, it’s not my place to say, I’m not a mom.

Anyway, he tells me all the complicated ins and outs of his personal and work life and I decided, because I’m the queen of bad decisions and giving people the benefit of the doubt, that I can deal with this.  We’d been out several times at that point (all oddly odd times as his schedule truly sucks and he is unwavering in his ‘norm’).  We spoke a little about the upcoming weekend that I would be in town and that he wouldn’t have his son with him.  I was very much looking forward to spending some quality time with him as all our prior dates were pretty much 2 hours long.  Exactly.  We hadn’t spoken about any specific plans for the weekend, but I let him know that I was looking forward to it and he replied in kind.

We spoke a bit about my vacation home as well and how I would love to take him there at some point in the future as it is in a place that he hasn’t been in 10 years and was looking forward to going back to.  Look at us proceeding at a normal (whatever that is) pace!

I was in said vacation place Saturday when I received his excited text telling me that he was planning a trip to said town the following weekend.  The weekend that we had talked about my need to be at home and how much I was looking forward to seeing him. IN town. He said he hoped I would be able to join him in said vacation locale and that he already booked a hotel.  Uhm, wait.  First of all, I own a place there, on the beach.  As he neither knows what part of the beach or even the general location of my place, how did he know where to book a hotel?  Why wouldn’t he wait to talk to me and coordinate a weekend that we could both be there?  Why, after 10 years of not being there, did he have to go right then and there?  Of course, I didn’t say any of these things to him.

What I did say was that I couldn’t get out-of-town that next weekend and that I was sad that he chose the weekend we had already spoken about doing something in our home town together to travel and that I had been looking forward to being his tour guide when we did make it to said vacation destination.  What I got in return was a 9 part text message explaining that our schedules are apparently too conflicting and that he doesn’t have the time, or inclination to pursue a romantic relationship right now.  What.  The.  Fuck.  I am quite certain that if I had said that I could drop everything and be at the whim of his stupid spur of the moment ridiculousness, I wouldn’t have gotten said break up text, but as I live in reality, that’s not what happened.  I am sad, mad, disappointed and a bit astounded that he did this. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

A fun little aside is the entire text message thing.  He hates text messaging.  I am of the mind that text message is for short little ‘nothing’ messages (hi, how are you? thinking of you, have a good day, etc…) and NOT for any sort of serious conversations.  We actually had this conversation on Tuesday when we last saw each other. He agreed.  And he still opted to break up with me via text……awesome.

 

I Think I Had A Good Time February 27, 2017

You’re welcome in advance for this not being a whiny post about my less than envious love life.  Can I really even call it a love life if I haven’t had any semblance of a relationship in uh, years?!  *cue sad music*

Anywho, this is a post about my fun weekend at the beach with a college friend.  Well, a post about what I can remember from my fun weekend at the beach with a college friend.  My friend and I are kind of in the same boat as far as guys go.  She’s at least had a couple short lived relationships in the past few years, but the guys always either ghost, flip out or turn into someone other than who they appeared to be.  She tries to slog through the wold of online dating as well.  We are both convinced that our bad luck in love at our advanced ages is Karma firmly kicking us in the ass for all the fun we had in our 20s.  Believe me, we had a LOT of fun back then.

Back to the beach.  We arrived on Thursday afternoon and immediately decided to start day drinking.  Bad decision #1.  Bad decision #2 was to make an exceptionally strong (and large) vodka soda.  Bad decision #3 was to decide, when I discovered that I forgot to bring lemons, to add an entire can of Mike’s Harder Lemonade to my already lighter-fluid-ish drink in order to get that lemon flavor.  Bad decision #4 was to then decide, after sucking that gross tasting concoction down (can’t waste perfectly good alcohol) that since it was technically National Margarita Day (that’s a thing, right?) to go to the restaurant on property to enjoy some 2 for 1 Margaritas.  Details after that are a little fuzzy.  As in I don’t really remember shit.  My friend did assure me that I didn’t make a complete ass of myself and that I was safely passed out on the couch without having embarrassed myself too much.  Passed out on the couch by 8:30pm.  Lovely.

The next couple of days included many many cocktails, a lobster-esque sunburn,  getting lost multiple times in a town that I should really be able to navigate by now and not a single solitary conversation with anyone of the opposite sex.  Well, that’s unless you include the short and sweet conversation we had with the ridiculously drunk and obnoxious husband of the wife teetering around on stiletto heals.  At the beach.  Oh, and by ‘short and sweet’ I of course mean ‘he was a ginormous idiot that I had to stop my friend from knocking out as he had absolutely NO filter when it came to what he thought was appropriate to say to complete strangers’.

Good times!

 

A New Trend February 2, 2017

** Going through my drafts folder, I keep finding these little gems that although are more than 2 years old, still seem to apply to the world of online dating.  Lucky me?**

There seems to be a new trend in my stellar world of online dating.  And you all know that by ‘stellar’, I mean ‘shitty’, right?  I’ve corresponded with some seemingly really good guys lately.  There was the teacher that very sweetly declined my invitation to fall in love with me message me.  There was the terrific guy with all the water toys that seemed so sweet and kind and funny.  There was the Golfer who I actually met, liked and was looking forward to seeing again.  All of these men are different in very distinct ways.  Looks, height, education, career, age ….. they are flung far and wide (see?  I’m trying to broaden my horizons).  They all have one thing in common though.  And I’m none too pleased about it.

Each and every one of these men messaged me last.  Very sweet and somewhat flirty messages.  Messages that made me smile.  Messages that prompted me to sign on to respond.  Messages that were apparently sent mere minutes before each and every one of them either hid their profiles or blocked me never to be heard from again.  What. The. Fuck.?

What’s the point of that? I’ll never know.  At least I still have Arkansas who is currently not only bugging the shit out of me with repeated messages that go something like “hi, how are you? when can we meet?” (after I’ve told him repeatedly that I am swamped with work and that I don’t think our schedules match up).  He also sends me messages addressing me as ‘gorgeous’ and telling me that I’m ‘hot’.  Uhm, shouldn’t I find this flattering?  I don’t.  I find them highly creepy.  *sigh*

 

Who Does What February 1, 2017

So we all know that I have a groundbreaking 2 dates this week.  One with someone I was ‘meh’ about and one with someone that I am fairly excited about.  Yeah, I know, that doesn’t bode well for me, but with my new and improved 2017 positive attitude regarding my love-life (see? I’m not even going to add ‘or lack thereof’ when mentioning my love life….oh, wait), I’m trying to keep those thoughts at bay.  And I fully intend to fall in love on Friday.  Shit, that’s night right either, is it?

So anywhoo, I have 2 dates lined up with 2 men that have completely different communication styles.  Of course I prefer one style over the other, and although a combination of frequency and content would be ideal, that just ain’t happening….

Bachelor #1:

1. Texts daily with a ‘hi’ a ‘how are you’ or a ‘good morning’. Oddly enough, his good morning texts usually come in around noon or 1pm. Huh….

2. His texts are not very engaging and are usually just a few words in response.  As you well know from reading my blathering, I can TALK.

3. He picked a time and place for our date well in advance and has already reconfirmed with me.

4. He has told me how excited he is to meet me and actually asked if we could move our date up sooner

Bachelor #2

1) Does not text often, but when he does they are conversational in tone and go on for a while.

2) Although he locked down a day for our date, I am still awaiting information on time and location (tic toc, as I write this it’s 2 days before said date)

3) He has told me (repeatedly) how excited he is to meet me and that he wished that Friday would get here sooner,  but hasn’t been in contact the past 3 days (yes, I keep track of these things – welcome to my world)

I’m sure you can figure out which one I am more excited about meeting.  Of course it’s the one that does not check in often or put my overly imaginative/over-thinking/neurotic mind at ease.

I’m working on the whole ‘if it was meant to be, it will be’ as well as the confidence that I should have going into this and knowing that if he’s the guy I think he is, that I have nothing to worry about.  Easier said than done.  And to prove that point, I give you this post.  We haven’t even met yet for shit’s sake.  Why am I even thinking ahead on this?  Oh, that’s right.  Because I’m me ……….

 

It Will Get Better, It Will Get Better…. January 25, 2017

That’s my new dating mantra.  Actually, my new mantra is more like ‘please G-d, let this one be a good one’.  What?  That’s not what my psychic meant when he suggested I be a bit more spiritual?  Ooops.  Nah, I know my guy is out there.  I know he’s very good at hiding from me.  I also know that I’ll find him.  Or, more likely, he’ll find me.

I’m pretty sure that neither of the gentlemen that I ‘chatted’ with yesterday are going to be him however.

One, who I can’t even come up with a nickname for, has been messaging me since September.  Every few weeks I’ll get an uber engaging ‘hi’.  I haven’t heard from him since Christmas Day.  As you can all tell, I’ve been very broken up about that. 😉 Well, I heard from him last night.  At 10:30, when he asked when we were going to meet.  I, being the helpful gal that I am, suggested that he actually ask me out and that would probably facilitate things.  He said he already did and I said no.  Uhm, that would have been when he messaged me at 6pm on a random night and wanted to know if I wanted to go to happy hour during a really busy work week.  Uhm, no.  A bit of notice would be good.  I suggested he try again.  So he did.  And proceeded to invite me over for a glass of wine last night.  After I told him that I don’t really drink wine (remember my sister’s wedding?).  At 10:30pm.  To his house!  As we haven’t actually met before, I quashed that ridiculous idea.  He then asked about next week.  Great, I said yes.  Oh joy.  We’ll see what happens.

I was supposed to meet presumed married guy last night.  The one who travels for business.  We had arranged to meet last night @ 6pm.  When I checked in to confirm with him, he informed me that he had a massage scheduled at 6 and thought we were meeting at 8.  Excuse me?  He blamed it on the time difference, but I blame it on him being an ass.  He then proceeded to ask me if I could meet him at 9pm last night.  What is the matter with these guys?  9pm on a Monday for a 1st meeting?  I think not.  I told him maybe I could fit him in tonight, but I’m putting absolutely no effort into it.  If I hear from him, I’ll consider it, but I certainly won’t lose sleep over it.  Although I don’t really think he’s married, there is definately something fishy going on……

Aside from the man that is apparently from Nashville who invited me to visit after asking me precisely ZERO questions about myself, there’s nothing too promising on the dating front at the moment.  In the spirit of ‘putting myself out there’, I do have a couple happy hour with friends lined up this week.  Maybe I’ll invite my new and improved ‘inviting’ and ‘confident’ self to join…..

 

Old Friends January 19, 2017

And by ‘friends’, I mean previously used online dating sites.  G-d help me.

I re-activated my profile in OkCupid (forevermore to be referred to as OkStupid for obvious reasons) after almost 3 years.  And wanted to kill myself within the 1st hour.  Not only was I inundated with messages from inappropriately young boys letting me know how sexy I am, but I received messages from guys I recognized.  Not that I had actually met any of them, but they had not changed a single profile photo in the last 3 years.  Way to keep it current guys!

I did receive a message from a guy who wrote a terrific, if overly sensitive, profile.  So I responded.  With one of my famous ‘you wrote a terrific profile’ and then referred to a detail he included so he knew I actually read his profile and didn’t just say that I did.  I got a response back letting me know that he thought I was very in touch with my feelings or some such bullshit as not a single syllable in my response was remotely touchy-feely.  Whatevs.  He explained that he wanted to meet as he didn’t like messaging back and forth forever.  Uhm, I guess 2 messages seemed excessive to him.  summoning my devil may care red hair mentality, I said sure.  As I knew what part of town he lived in, I picked a place in between us both and suggested it.  He countered with someone closer to him and further from me.  Uhm…….. I explained that I wasn’t familiar with the specific area but would test my navigational skills and he responded back with a somewhat petulant ‘okay, we’ll meet in the area that you suggested’.  Duh.  So we set a time and a day and that was that.  Literally.  Not one word since.

As I hadn’t heard from him in 2 days, I sent a quick ‘as I haven’t heard from you, I wanted to make sure we were still on for Thursday’.  He responds with a ‘yes, we are still on.  i would let you know if I couldn’t make it. Due to the flake factor on here I don’t communicate further with anyone until I meet them’.  Again, uhm……what?!  Cynical much?  Self fulfilling prophecy much?  Off-putting much?  Why yes, yes it is.  I am going to keep the date for tomorrow, but I will probably also feel the need to argue his philosophy on the cutting off contact cold turkey, with no warning, once a date is set.  Kinda weird.  Anywhoo, I guess I’ll let you know ………..

 

How Not To Date January 18, 2017

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:34 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I don’t mean by not actually dating (which is what I have been perfecting lately).  I mean more along the lines of what NOT to say to your date upon meeting.

To everyone’s surprise, it wasn’t actually me that stuck my foot in my mouth last Monday.  Repeatedly.

He seemed nice enough on Bumble and offered to drive to my side of town, so why not?  I arrived to the location before him and was just inside the door when he showed up behind me.  I turned to give him a hug and had to bend down a bit.  Huh, although I state my height in my Bumble profile, apparently being 2 inches shorter than I am wasn’t an issue for him.  Okay, no biggie.  I dated someone who was 5’8″ when I was in my 20s.  He was a darling little hottie who just used to stand up on the curb while I stood in the street in order to kiss me.  But he was a cutie and uber sweet so his being vertically challenged didn’t faze me in the least.

Sadly (for me) my date last Monday wasn’t so blessed with manners.  We grabbed a table and started chatting.  Well, to be clear, he started chatting and never EVER stopped.  Within the 1st 20 minutes I knew all there was to know regarding his previous relationships (including 3 marriages), his job, his multiple side jobs, the screws in his knee, his cynicism regarding today’s youth, his love of Trump, his finances and just about every other detail that needed to be known by date #3.  Too bad it all took place in the 1st 20 minutes of date #1.

He never took a breath.  He also never asked me a single thing about myself.  However, he did manage to fit in multiple slams on me.

  1. While rambling on about the youth of today and how unwilling to work they are (generalize much?) he says ‘I have no idea what you do for a living, but …. blah blah blah’ …… uhm, you could ask.  Or actually read my profile where it does, in fact, state what I do.
  2. While telling me about wives number 1 through 3, he lets me know that he is usually attracted to twigs.  Okay.  Then he tells me about girlfriend number whatever who he dated for 3 years and says ‘I usually date such skinny women that I was surprised that I was attracted to someone your size’.  Uhm, what the fuck?!
  3. He made it clear that he thinks most women take advantage of the generosity of men and don’t actually have to work very hard as they are given everything.

There were more, but these were probably the top 3.  As he didn’t take a breath long enough for me to interject anything, I just sat there wide eyed.  I actually even thought for a millisecond that he might just be nervous and has an unfortunate way of stating things, so I kinda let it go.

Until I didn’t.  I’d had enough.  I told him that if he wanted to know what I did for a living, he was free to ask as most initial meetings involve an exchange of information   He did ask then.  And I told him, and he immediately turned the conversation back to him.

When he swung back around to dating petite women with big boobs, I explained that there was a probably a better way to relay his delving into the world of average sized women than by insulting the woman sitting across from him.  That he probably shouldn’t say ‘your size’ as it could be taken the wrong way.  He then told me that I was wrong about that.  Uhm, no, no I’m not.  As I’m the one sitting across from you and listening to the intonation in your voice, I absolutely think the comment was insulting.  Dumbass.

Best part of all?  He got PISSED when, after an hour and a half, I said to him that I wasn’t quite sure what to make of our interaction.  Before I could excuse myself and wish him a good night, he bellows ‘just go’.  My god!  I’ve never dealt with such a situation.  Still, just because he was an ass doesn’t mean I need to be too (I know, I know, but I’m evolving).  I went home with every intention to log into Bumble and say that it was nice (lie) meeting him and that I hope he finds someone terrific (another lie).  In the 2.5 minutes that it took me to get home, he deleted me.  Le sigh ……. not.  Did I mention he had dirty fingernails?  And before anyone bashes me, I’m all for blue-collar jobs and working with your hands (insert lewd 13-year-old boy humor here), but as he had the day off, it would have been nice if he’d have put in a little effort…

 

 

I Think I Mean What I Say….. January 9, 2017

Filed under: dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:37 pm
Tags: , , , ,

But then again, who knows.  It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, right?  A post or 2 back I stated that I rang in the new year with friends.  That I was kiss-less.  That I was again, or more accurately still, single.  And that I was okay with that.  Guess what?  I’m not!!  Or at least not this week.

I’ve spent much too much time this week thinking about TD getting married.  About Repo Man having me as ‘plan B’.  About all the people who have been, or currently are, in a relationship and that annoying whiny voice that I thought had been put to rest has popped back up again wanting to know, ‘Why not me’?

Yes, I could have been married or engaged or whatever a few times over by now if I were willing to settle.  I think.  If I had made myself fit into the box that certain men wanted (didn’t mean that to sound dirty, but bonus that it did).  That if ‘good enough’ were in fact ‘good enough’.  I know this.  At least I think I do.  Who knows, maybe even if I did all these things, I’d still be single.  Gah!

It’s been much too long since I’ve been kissed.  That used to be one of my favorite things ever (besides a good hair pull, but that’s a whole other story) and who knows if I even remember how.  Hopefully it’s like riding a bike (you’re welcome those of you that ‘get’ that reference), which I am certain I have forgotten how to do.

I could go out today and find someone to kiss.  Or go bike-riding with.  But being the greedy gal that I am, I want it to mean something.  I’m far past my college days and meaningless hookups.  As fun as they were, they were just that.  Fun.  And boy did I have fun.  Lots and lots of fun.

I think the universe may be paying me back for my 20s …………

That being said, I have a new theory about PMG (possibly married guy)…………

 

 

And, Behind Door #3 ……. December 18, 2016

Yey!  An online dating game show.  Nah, more like online dating shitshow ….. So, I was at the vet’s office the other day and chatting with my friend/vet (well, he’s not MY vet, he’s my dogs’ … duh) and he loves when I regale him with my dating fiascos stories.  He said to me, when I mentioned that I was planning a vacation away, and I quote, how ‘lucky I am to be single’.  He, obviously, is not.  So funny how different perceptions are.  Anyway, I told him to piss off and left. 😉

So I’m at home tonight (big surprise) and my text message alert goes off.  Obviously I assume it’s my new bi-coastal, presumed married guy who keeps texting me.  Just once per day, when he accesses his fake phone number via his laptop, with details on his next upcoming trip.  I’m so lucky.  Not.

When I check my phone however, I am pleasantly surprised to see that it’s Repo Man .  I haven’t heard from him in what?  A month?  I have thought about texting him several times, but didn’t think that would be ‘fair’ to the gal he is seeing.  Then I figured, well, dating hasn’t been ‘fair’ to me, so who gives a shit?  Oh, that’s right.  I do.  Just because the universe keeps sending douchebags my way doesn’t mean that I have to be one.  Anyway, it was a cute message complimenting me on a new pic I put up on Bumble a couple of weeks ago.  A new pic that I put up with the absolute hope that he would see it.  Weird, right?  He was checking in to see how the lovely world of dating was going for me.  And, truth be told, I think to see if I was still single.  Ah, silly man, I always seem to be single.  Boo.

I regaled him with a couple of my stories and asked how he and his new(ish) gal were doing and if he was in love yet.  Sadly (?) he said not so great.  He explained that although he thinks she is pretty amazing in every way, there are 2 pretty important pieces missing.  I get it.  Believe me, I get it.  He did say that those 2 missing pieces are ones that I seem to possess.  Eh, who knows.

He did let me know that he thinks I’m very pretty and have a great sense of humor.  He’s right.  I do. 😉 It took me forever (49 years to be exact) to be able to take a compliment without self-deprecatingly brushing it off, so there’s that.  I just thanked him for his sweet words and left it at that.

Am I upset that he contacted me while still dating someone else?  Nah.  I want to be someone’s last choice.  Wait, that reads completely different than what I mean.  I mean I want someone to date as many women as they want and THEN date me and decide that I’m the one.  I don’t want to be the 1st date and then lose out because they feel they’re missing out.  That was an ENORMOUS mistake that I made with he who shall remain nameless.  I was #1 and was then expected to wait around while he then dated around.  And, as we all well know, I did.  What a dumbass I was.

Anywhoo, we chatted a bit more and before he signed off, I asked him to keep in touch.  I told him that for good or bad, whether we ever meet or not, he seems like a pretty terrific guy and all else aside, I’m a great listener if he ever needs help working through anything.  That last part was a whoops on my part, I am NOT going back into the business of ‘fixing’ people.  Thing is, he’s not broken.  He just seems like a really good guy with a good heart.  Not a lot of them out there ….. online, at least 😉 We’ll see.  As I well know, the universe works in mysterious ways, so maybe ……..

Now, as the 16th has come and gone and that was the date that OO7 set up 3 weeks in advance with me only to fall off the face of the earth right after that, would anyone like to guess if it actually happened???? Anyone?

 

Last One December 16, 2016

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:04 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!

 

Sunday Funday December 9, 2016

**I just found this in my drafts folder.  Thought I had published it 2 weeks ago.  Whoopsie.  Enjoy this chronologically misplaced post**

So last Sunday was my now annual gathering of friends for brunch, cocktails, laughs and catch ups.  After I accidentally invited 007 to my brunch with 15 friends and he accepted, I panicked a little.  I had only been on 2 fairly spread out dates with him and he was planning on attending a brunch with 15 of my friends who I wanted to be able to catch up with.  Uh oh.  Not wanting to be rude (no, really) I started thinking of how to keep 007 occupied with conversation by others so I wouldn’t feel obligated to talk to him the entire time.  I knew that he would be able to hold his own with strangers as he’s so friendly and outgoing.

In addition to the 15 friends that I originally invited, I reached out to those with boyfriends/girlfriends and extended the invitation to bring them along as well.  The more people, the more opportunity for conversation, right?  I messaged Friend #1 and told her to invite her boyfriend to brunch.  I get back ‘we’re no longer seeing each other, so he won’t be able to attend’.  Whoops.  Way to stick my foot in my mouth.  I sent my condolences (congratulations?) and said I was looking forward to catching up on Sunday (as I was apparently out of the loop on things).  I then messaged Friend #2 and told him to bring along his girlfriend.  To which I received ‘thanks, but we broke up 2 weeks ago’.  Well shit, I AM out of touch (and thus the reason for the group brunch).

So we’re back to the original guest list.  I’m sure all will be fine.  Saturday rolls around and I realize that I hadn’t heard from 007 since Tuesday.  Here’s where I know me.  If I was totally into him I would have checked in to make sure that he remembered in addition to obsessing all week about why I hadn’t heard from him.  But I didn’t.  While I would have been very happy for him to join us the next day, I was going to leave it up to the fates.

Sunday rolls around and my friends show up in varying degrees of lateness.  Hugs are had by all.  Laughs were had by all.  Yummy food and cocktails were had by all.  What wasn’t had by all was the pleasure of 007’s company.  Huh.  As I know he works horrid hours and this is a busy time of year for him (as it is for most of us), I figured either something came up or he overslept.  I assumed I’d hear from him later in the day with an apology.  When that didn’t happen, instead of my usual ‘you stood me up today, WTF, that’s so rude’, I sent a much more evolved (no, really) message of ‘you stood me up this morning 😦 hope all is okay’.  Yes, I used a sad faced emoticon.  Sue me.

He sends back a fairly prompt ‘I did and I’m very sorry.  I was looking forward to it.  I completely slept through my alarm and only woke up in time to dress and race to work’.  I sent back that I understood and that I hoped he had a great night.  Not sure if he would have messaged me with an apology if unprompted, but I guess I’ll never know.  That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard a word from him.  As our last 2 communications were at my prompting, I am leaving it to him to reach out.  If he does, super.  If not ……

Guess this means that I don’t have to delay my departure from town for our hot date on the 16th…….