The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Death, Anger Management and Family BBQs July 9, 2019

So is it weird that I asked Mr OoT if I could meet his sister from out of town that i hadn’t yet met and go to a family BBQ that his parents were having? No? Well maybe I need to fill in some blanks and then you can decide.

I haven’t written much (or at all) about Mr. OoT and I since just about the beginning of the year. Why you ask? Well that was because I was sparing you all (and myself) the annoyance of rolling your eyes and yelling at the computer.

Mr. OoT and I have issues. Big ones. He has some anger management issues. I have some ‘fixer’ issues. He has some deflection and projection issues. I have some defensive issues. We weren’t the best match to begin with (understatement of the century). Throw in that we are long distance and that makes everything a million times harder.

We’ve been in so many arguments that I’ve lost track. He tells me I fight weird. This is because I don’t engage. I allow him to go off on me and spew some of the most hateful and hurtful things at me and all I do is warn him to make sure he really means the things he’s saying as he can’t take them back once said. This usually just infuriates him more. I’m not quite sure when I became someone that would allow ANYONE to speak to me that way, but here I am. Or was.

This last time was especially cruel. He usually has a somewhat set litany of things that he venomously spews at me, but the past couple of times he’s thrown in new things to the effect of ‘the long line of women waiting to date him’. Uhm, wait, what? I know that Mr. OoT’s version of telling the truth is most rational people’s version of a lie. I know his “tells”. I know he wouldn’t have said this unless he was actually talking to other women. And he has been. How do I know? I went through his phone. And that, my friends is when I realized I was becoming a crazy person. I DO NOT go thru people’s phones. There is never anything good that can come of that. It’s a huge violation of trust and a horrible thing to do. I had to know though. And guess what? He has been overtly flirting with a couple of women. I see that as cheating and crossing the line, he does not. He feels he should get a gold star for not actually sleeping with them when he could have. Uhm no, gold stars are not given for doing the right thing and being a decent human being. Do I think he’d be flirting with other women if we were in a good place? No I don’t. As we aren’t/weren’t does that make it any less shitty? Nope.

One other thing he spewed at me was ‘no wonder you’re alone’. Sort of an odd thing for a supposed boyfriend to say, right? I realized though that he was right. I am alone. I have been for the past year. He’s not here when I need him to be. Physically or emotionally. We fight way too much. He has slowly and systematically crushed my spirit and sense of self worth. When did I become the woman that would allow that?!

I saw him over the weekend. He went off on me again. This time it was different. I fought back. Not in the insane way that he fights, but simply asked, when he finally took a breath, “are you happy now? do you feel better now that you’ve said these horrible things to me? you are truly an asshole and I deserve better” and walked out. I’ve said things to this affect before to no avail. I always counter balance his evil side in my head with his generous spirit and kind, yet hugely damaged, heart and end up giving him a pass. He never truly apologizes. This time was different.

He came to find me and when he did, he was crying. Like hysterically crying. He apologized a million ways, said that I don’t deserve any of this, that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he realizes his anger is getting progressively worse, that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met (I am), that I DO deserve better (I do), that he is going to seek some help and work on himself. He then asked if I think that some people are broken beyond repair. To which I replied ‘yes’.

Do I think he’s broken beyond repair? No, not really. I believe that truly broken people will never actually admit to being broken. Do I hope he gets some help? Yes, I certainly do. For his sake. Will I wait around for him like he asked me to? No, I absolutely will not.

Did I ask to go to his family BBQ on Sunday? Yes, yes I did. I wanted a chance to see his family one last time and get a bit of closure. None of them knew we had broken up (oh, aside from the fact that he brought a different girl with him on the 4th of July! Fucker, but that’s a story for another time). It gave me a chance to see everyone one last time. His dad loves me. His dad implored me to come visit any time, with or without Mr. OoT. That speaks volumes. His sisters were great and must have sensed what was going on.  They both said it was great seeing me and to not let Mr. OoT get away with too much.  They do know him best…..

He wants to remain friends. I said no. He wants me to wait for him. I said no. He wants me to know he will always be here for me. Whatever. Did I tell him to go to hell and never contact me again? No. Not sure why. I will stand my ground this time though.

Oh, and I told him I hated the candle he sent me. In some small way, being the petty bitch he’s always accused me of being made me feel better…..

 

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be On American Idol…… June 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:08 pm
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By the sheer volume of people lined up, at first I thought the circus was in town.  Alas it was just everyone waiting their turn to let me know, some in greater detail than others, what an idiot I am.  I really could have saved everyone the effort.  I know.  Hi, my name is GG and I am the world’s biggest dumbass.  Happy now?  I guess until you’re actually in someone else’s shoes, you never really know.  I’m a very strong and independent person.  I am somewhat confident in my looks, personality and intelligence.  I am also fairly confident that none of the aforementioned come into play when your heart is involved.  Did I really think TD would choose me in the end?  You bet.  Did I put up with far more than anyone ever should?  You bet.  Do I regret most of this year?  You bet.  Who knew I was a hopeless romantic.  Or glutton for punishment.  I think the 2 might be interchangeable.  I thought I had the friendship thing down.  I thought I would be okay with that.  For now.  Yes, TD led me on horribly last year and right up through February.  Since then, though, he’s been nothing but honest with me.  I am the one that chose not to listen.  While I will still never be able to think anything other than the best regarding him, this past week has brought out a side of him that I not only dislike, but that I’m unfamiliar with.  For that I guess I should thank The Vacation Crashing Photography Whore.  Nice name, huh?  This woman who thought it was okay to show up on TD’s vacation, lie to his kids and integrate herself into their lives after ONE date brought out a side in TD that I am hugely disappointed in.  He could have put a stop to it all.  He didn’t.  He could have NOT invited her to join them in so many activities.  He didn’t.  He chose to put her feelings ahead of mine and those of his kids.  That’s not acceptable to me.  Nope, he doesn’t owe me anything, but hell if I’m going to let someone lie to me.  I do that enough to myself.

So here’s where we stand.  I AM going to the lake to stay with them (shut up).  I deserve a vacation.  I have never had a bad time with he and his kids and this trip will be no different.  We will sleep in different rooms.  There will be no crossing of lines or boundaries.  There hasn’t been since February anyway, so no biggie.  I will lock away every memory that I can from this coming week because at the end of it, well, is the end of it.  This time is different from all the others that I’ve said I’m going to cut off all ties with him.  In the past I did it because I felt I needed too.  While I still feel that way, there is the addition of now wanting to.  I do not like this deceptive side of TD that came out last week.  It’s disappointing and makes me question so many things that I thought I knew about him.

I know he feels awful.  Too bad.  I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me.  Too bad, he has and continues to do so.  I am the one at fault for putting up with it for so long.  This whole time I thought he was trying to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.  Guess what?  I was doing the same thing.  We’re both wrong for that.  As hard as it will be, when we get back to town, we will be done.  For good.  I’ve cried more this week and this year than I ever thought possible.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m getting dehydrated and I’m tired of being unhappy.  No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow so although yes, he’s at fault, I’m the one to blame for allowing it to go on for so long.  The fact that he could choose to risk his heart with someone like that sort of confirms that he would never have chosen me.  I would never in a million years do the things that this woman has done.  And he seems to be okay with it.  He sees all the bad decisions that he made last week, but doesn’t find much fault with her lying and deceit.  Wow.  We couldn’t be more different.  Want to know how I know she lied about everything?  Poor gullible TD told me that her trip ‘grew’ from 4 days to 8 due to a promotion the lodge was having.  Uhm, excuse me, but why would a resort lodge, on the water, during summer have a promotion that says if you book off days (sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday), we’ll give you our busy high rate days for free (thursday, friday, saturday)?  They wouldn’t.  I was in the hotel business for years and that shit just doesn’t happen.  I hate liars.

Then again, I’ve been the biggest liar of all.  To myself.  I’m really not as dumb as I appear.  No, really.  I clearly saw the writing on the wall.  I just chose not to acknowledge it.  For those of you judging me for going to spend one last week there with a family that I love instead of just ending things now………kindly shut up.  I deserve a vacation.  On a lake.  With people who I know I like spending time with.  Besides, I want to be able to spend time with the kids and be able to give them a proper goodbye instead of just up and disappearing like I did those times (yes, plural) before.  This is another reason why I know this good-bye will ‘stick’.  I would never lie to his kids or play with their emotions.  Once I say goodbye to them and let them know how amazing they are and how sorry I am and how much I’ll miss them, it will be real.  And permanent. 😦