The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Gardens, Bees & Graduations November 17, 2016

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:25 am
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I know it’s been a while when I can’t remember my password.  Or the name of my blog.  Or the fact that I’ve been at this for eons.  Early onset senility sucks.  I don’t recommend it.  Here’s a little catch up on what’s been going on in my world the past couple of months.  Try to contain your excitement…….

1) Ran into TD.  Yey me.  I went to his daughter’s presentation for a course she was taking.  It was mid day & mid week.  I hoped I’d get lucky in my timing as I was just going to pop by for a couple of minutes at the very beginning and then run for the hills.   As I stood speaking with his daughter I suddenly felt the atmospheric pressure plummet and see, out of the corner of my eye, that although there was an entire room to stand in, he parks himself right beside me.  Super.  Being the mature & evolved individual that I am, I act like I don’t see him and keep talking.  Taking the hint, he wanders off.  Oh wait, that’s not what happened at all.  He continued to stand there for a good 5 minutes never saying a word.  I finally turn to him and he says ‘oh, I had no idea it was you’.  *sigh*  Really?  Because there are so many 5’10” blondes that would  be speaking to your daughter at her graduation?  I suck it up and say hello.  And he proceeds to stand there not saying a word.  Yeah, we’re done here…..Thank goodness that wasn’t awkward at all *insert sarcasm here*

2) There’s a new dating app!  Well, it’s new to me at least.  It’s called Bumble and has a pretty cool premise.  You swipe left and right on profiles ala Tinder (without the implied sluttiness).  A right swipe means you likee.  A left swipe, well, not so much.  If the man has swiped right on you as well, then you get notified.  Now here’s the great part: it’s up to the woman to make the 1st move.  Guys cannot contact you 1st!  That’s right people, none of the lovely options from yester-year (the old men, young kids, santa look alikes an other unsavories) cannot contact me!  Better yet, the majority of the guys seem normal.  Ish.

In a highly unscientific mathematical algorithm ,  I would say I match with 50% of those I swipe right on.  Of that 50%, a good 85% of the ones that I choose to contact write back!  Of course there are still plenty of socially awkward and highly inappropriate men on there (that’s half the *ahem* fun of online dating, right?), but for the most part there are some normal ones too!  Oh, how my standards have plummeted.

Here’s a quick rundown of some gents that I owe you all (the 2 of you that have stuck with me through the years) an update on:

  1. Repo Man
  2. 007
  3. Tilted Kilt
  4. Mr. Polo (as in horse and mallet, not shirt)
  5. Car Salesman
  6. Assorted Men I’ve Seen On Every Other Site Who Are Still Using The Same Pic From 5 Years Ago

Well, that’s all I have time for right now!  I promise (well, as much as I hold to any promise regarding this blog) to try and do better.  I owe it to the 2 of you that actually still care. 😉 And I know you want to know if I’ve actually been on any dates with these gents.  Here’s a hint: I have!  Stay tuned……… xoxoxo

 

Duck! October 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:12 pm
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Okay, introspective Sunday is over (thank god!).  Back to stories from my dating past (as I don’t seem to have a dating present) ……

If you’ve read back to my post on ‘games’ that are played in (immature) relationships (something i am well versed on), you will remember the guy I dated in Boise that lived in my same apartment complex who I used to hide my car from in order to make him think I was out? (yes, i know, i’m so proud too)

Well he was a jealous sorta guy which, at the time, I took as a huge compliment.  Yikes!  Anyway, he had a friend in from Vegas one weekend (a totally HOT friend, btw) and we all went downtown to do a bit of bar hopping.  Well, the BF was a big fan of drinking (i know, he just keeps sounding better and better, huh?).  Anyway, a couple hours into our little pub crawl, I ran into a guy that I had met several times out with friends who was totally nice and sort of liked me, but I was a well behaved game playing girlfriend, not a cheater, so I left it at flirting.  So he’s at this bar that the rest of us are at and I go over to chat for a bit.  Out of the corner of my eye I see the BF stomping towards us and before I knew what was happening, he’d drawn his fist back to throw a punch at the guy.  Well being as the BF was not only a huge douche bag and sort of drunk, his aim wasn’t for shit either as he missed the guy I was talking to and nailed me right in the nose!!! Holy cow that hurt!

Of course, I run out of the bar, nose bleeding and all and am followed, of course, by not only the guy I was talking to, but my BF’s hottie friend.  Uh, where was the BF?  Inside, finishing his beer & doing shots of Jaeger!  What a total prick!  As he didn’t mean to hit me, I guess it didn’t count as actually hitting me!

Moral of the story is, if you see someone about to throw a punch, get the hell out of the way!  Oh, and above when I said I wasn’t a cheater?  Well I’m really not, but also discovered the fastest way to ‘payback’ a shitty BF is to make him think you chated on him with his BF! 🙂 I DIDN”T! We just talked ………

What can I say, he was hot and took care of me ~ bloody nose and all ….. ah to be young and dumb again ……

 

Speak Much? October 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:32 pm
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Is texting really the primary mode of communication for most online daters?  Ugh, I just figured out how to text this year (and believe me, it is still painful to watch), but c’mon …. there’s no way in hell I’m going to meet someone that I’ve never spoken to on the phone.  If I send you my number, that means that you can call me …….. I don’t ever recall sending my number and telling someone to ‘text me sometime’ ….. think about it; if they can’t carry on a conversation on the phone, what are they going to do when you’re sitting across from them? text you?

 

What To Do, What To Do ….. October 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:35 pm
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So as I’ve essentially guaranteed that I won’t hear from anyone off of ‘that’ website until I change my profile back to make me sound like everyone else (not happening anytime soon), I’ve been thinking of ways to be more, uh, interactive with new people.  After mentally listing off my choices and finding reasons not to do any of them, I hit upon a fabulously fruitless idea!  I’m going to volunteer at the Ironman competition being held next month in Tempe!  Yey me!  Now, while I am fully aware that the sheer narcissistic personality of almost every triathlete I’ve ever met (and had the misfortune of dating  ~ it seems to be a Phoenix thing), I realize that I could probably stand out there naked and still wouldn’t be noticed, but hey, at least the view will be good.  And who knows?  I could get paired with a cutie volunteer!

Ahhh, I’m such the philanthropist! 🙂

 

Mas Cerveca Por Favor October 28, 2010

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:59 pm
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LMAO, a guy I met for coffee about 6 months ago (I don’t think I’ve written about him…..yet) 😉 who was totally nice, totally nervous & totally intimidated by me (really, I don’t do it on purpose) just invited me to Mexico for the weekend!

Now, I didn’t go out with him again originally ’cause I could tell that he liked me and while I thought he was ‘nice’, I just didn’t want to waste his time knowing that there just weren’t any sparks for me (see? i’m not a total bitch).  He e-mailed me a few weeks ago to see if I wanted to get together and I said well, maybe, and that I’d check in with him the following week (which of course, I didn’t ~ oh crap, i guess i’m back to bitch status now, huh?)

The fact that it’s 9pm on Thursday night and he’s leaving tomorrow aside, Rocky Point?  I haven’t been there for years and would LOVE to go!  Too bad I’m leaving on vacation next week and have reserved this weekend for the ever thrilling ‘try to get everything done before you go’ chaos.

Hmmmm, sad that my affections can be bought/borrowed/leased by the offer of travel, right? 😉 …… Oh well, I told him I couldn’t go (but maybe he’ll ask me again sometime) *fingers crossed*

 

A Big Ole’ But ……

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:05 pm
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No, not a big posterior end (although I do have one of those, but that’s a post for another day) ….. but the dreaded …. but…. You know, when someone tells you how absolutely super-duper you are and then there’s a big pause at the end and you’re waiting for the ‘disclaimer’?  I think guys are notorious for this and even funnier?  I don’t think they have a clue that what they are doing is sorta shitty. huh …….

So what brought on this not so recent epiphany?  I have recently received an e-mail from someone who, in the past, has told me ‘how great’ I am and then disappeared off the face of the earth.  Well he has resurfaced to let me know that he still thinks that I’m ‘a wonderful person’ (okay, stop laughing), ‘great to spend time with’, and that he knows ‘we did have a connection’ ….. and pretty much ends it at that.  Wouldn’t one follow that up with a ‘let’s get together’, ‘let’s keep in touch’ or something to that effect?

He said he would ‘explain’ later ……… ugh, really?  So I’m waiting for the big ole’ dreaded BUT ……. but what but, is the question……..but i’m gay? but i’m married? but i have a girlfriend? but i’m actually a woman?…… JUST SAY IT ALREADY!  (but i’m not holding my breath for that to actually happen) 😉

why must ye’ of the male species be so friggin’ annoying? 😉 ……. i decide to go ahead and try letting one ‘in’ (and NO, not that ‘in’) and he perpetuates this annoying mindset ……. and that, my friends, is why I have the attitude I do towards guys …….. sometimes it’s just not worth the effort ……….

 

Crickets Chirping and Then …….. October 27, 2010

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:10 pm
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Not so surprisingly, I haven’t gotten a lot of e mails since I put my new and improved profile up on ‘that’ site.  However, one brave soul actually contacted me tonight.  For some reason he thinks I have a Type A personality though ~ huh? Really?  He’s obviously smart and appreciates sarcasm, so in addition to the bonus points already earned for having the guts to contact me, he actually said he loved my profile (and we know how I’m a sucker for empty compliments).

Even better ~ you know how I always joke about the perfect guy for me being one that travels extensively for work (so they can’t annoy me too much)?  This guy travels extensively for work!  He’s just racking up the points! 😉

As he’s Type A as well, I’ll keep you all posted as to how long it takes him to start annoying the crap out of me and if we ever progress past the e-mail stage.

 

Best Date EVER!

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:38 pm
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Okay, well not really ever, but just got back from the best date I’ve had in a loooong time.  None of that annoying awkwardness or nerves, tons to talk about, lots of laughs, yummy food (sorry, I’m a foodie, it counts towards mental ‘points’ awarded).  Basically just hung out and relaxed.  Left the restaurant and ended up at a nearby shop where I found a totally cute top to try on and my date even complimented me on it!  How nice is that?  Yup, best date I’ve had in a while.  Almost positive that we’ll do it again ~ maybe even with a movie next time ….. so what if it was just with my friend Michelle?  It still counts! 

hmmmm, maybe I don’t need a man ……… i just need more girlfriends ………… 🙂

 

10 Seconds Is All It Takes…….

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:14 am
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Isn’t that what they say as far as the amount of time it takes for someone to ‘evaluate’ if you’re attracted to someone or not?  Eh, for me, it’s more like 5 seconds.  What?  Don’t judge.

Really, someone can be nice as can be, smart, funny, a good dresser, have great manners, fabulous friends and family, witty, kind, and just about every other quality that you might look for in a ‘match’, but if you’re not physically attracted to them, then what’s the point?

Yes, I realize that some will argue that you can ‘grow’ to be attracted to someone, but I don’t really buy it.  What it comes down to is this:  If I can’t see myself kissing someone (okay fine, it’s more like sleeping with them as we all know I’m not all that discerning in who I’ll kiss), then regardless of all other qualities, it’s not going to work.  Yup, takes me about 5 seconds to decide ……….. judge if you will, but to me, it’s important!

(and just for the record, although i wax on about tall, blonde haired, blue-eyed, gorgeous guys ~ that’s not really my type – well sure, i wouldn’t turn one of them down if they asked me out, i’m no dummy – but I tend to lean towards the quirky, somewhat nerdy types for some reason ………. perfect example: while everyone was lusting after classically handsome Mel Gibson years ago (ewwww), I was totally infatuated with John Malkovitch.  Damn he was a sexy bastard ala’ Dangerous Liaisons!  Sadly, not so much anymore though) 😉

 

And Here It Is……. October 26, 2010

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:22 pm
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My new and improved (okay, i realize that’s debatable) online profile! 😉  What do you think?

Hello All.  Thanks for stopping by.  After several months on this site, I have decided to shake things up a bit.  While I have met some terrific guys on here, I have also met some not so terrific ones (you know who you are).  I remain optimistic, however instead of listing my fabulous attributes and trying to ‘sell’ myself to you I will instead go another route ~ one that will let you know who you should (or shouldn’t) be, while giving you some pretty obvious insight into my personality. 😉

Here’s the lowdown on the guy for me (I don’t say ‘perfect guy’ as I don’t believe that’s realistic):

*You will be tall (I’m 5’10” in flats, however I love to wear my heels)

*You will not be 5’8″, but tell me that you’re 6′ and hope that I won’t notice

*You will be intelligent (no, not MENSA smart, but it would help if you at least recognized what that is)

*You will be able to string several words from the English language together in a coherent fashion (bonus points if you don’t have misspelled words in your profile)

*You will have some sort of drive ~ something that you are passionate about

*You will not talk with your mouth full

*You will be honest

*You will possess empathy

* You will be able to walk & chew gum at the same time

*You will not have mommy issues

*You will not insist on talking about your horrible exes, your horrible boss or your horrible family on a 1st date

*You will be somewhat of an optimist (if you see the bad in everything, then thanks for stopping by, but I’m not the one for you)

*You will ‘get’ and maybe even appreciate the humor in sarcasm

*You will like dogs (no not the human ones ~ although everyone deserves to be loved ~ the 4 legged ones)

*You will not be dependent on your Droid or your IPhone in order to be able to function in society

*You will be able to see the humor in almost any situation

*You will know the difference between their, they’re and there

*You will not take yourself too seriously

*You will be gainfully employed

*You will not be socially or emotionally ‘challenged’

*You will not drone on about your fitness regimen, your ‘eating clean’ or your lists of daily supplements

*Yes, I know ~ everyone on here loves to hike – I get it!

*You need to at least own a book (even if you haven’t actually read it)

*You will not have an extensive prison record

*You will not have an actual written list of all your ‘conquests’ complete with cryptic rating system

*You will have a good heart

*You will not feel the need to regale me with stories of how fabulous you are (shouldn’t I be able to tell that just by talking to you?)

*You will be able to deal with my strong personality

*You will not agree with everything that I say just for the sake of agreeing

*You will be within my desired age range (or at least in close proximity to it)

*You will not suggest going back to your place midway through our 1st drink

*You will not look at your reflection in every shiny surface that we pass

*You will not send me a standard ‘form’ e-mail that you just copy and paste to everyone

*You will actually have read my profile ~ yes, even the stuff on the left

*You will be able to make me laugh!

Okay, okay, I guess it’s only fair to tell you a little about me:  I’m smart, quick witted, sarcastic, highly uncoordinated, independent, extroverted in small groups, introverted in large ones, an avid people watcher, a fan of ‘train wreck’ reality shows (don’t judge, you know you like them too), well traveled and, most importantly, I am able to laugh at myself!

If you don’t really ‘get’ what I just wrote above, I have offended you, or you take absolutely everything literally, then you’ve just missed (or would it be proven?) my point. 😉 However if you’ve made it all the way through without dozing off, having to grab a dictionary to look up a word and get the humor of it, then drop me a line (but please use spellcheck 1st).

Crazy that I would go the route of trying to custom order someone, right?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see ………

 

Time To Shake Things Up A Bit….

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:11 pm
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So I’ve decided that since my online dating experience is coming to an end (happy?sad? indifferent?), I am going to totally change up my profile.  Instead of trying to ‘sell’ myself, and then stating what I’m looking for as a sidenote, I’m just going to lay it all out there, be as bold and outspoken as I am in real life, and see where it takes me! 😉

Here is the ‘before’ essay that I have up (and aside from a few changes here and there, it’s stayed pretty much the same all year). 

“Hello, thanks for taking the time to peek at my profile. You may want to pull up a chair; it’s a little bit long.

I consider myself to be an introverted extrovert (depending on the day), who likes to have fun in whatever I do and loves to laugh. I have a quick wit and look for the humor in most things as it makes life more entertaining. I’m a great listener and am always seeking to learn new things.

I’m looking for someone who is intelligent, witty and sincere. He’s got a good head on his shoulders, a great (okay, at least very good) sense of humor and must love to laugh (even if it’s just at himself). He’s willing to make a fool of himself and sometimes considers being called a dork a compliment. Physical attraction is important too, as there needs to be that ever elusive ‘spark’.

I will cross the street to pet a dog, I say ‘hi’ to strangers on the street (often to be met with a look of disbelief as to why I’m speaking to them), manage to trip over absolutely nothing while walking, am an avid people watcher and pretty much a true geek at heart.

An eternal optimist, I strive to look for the positive in whatever life may throw my way. I admire people with integrity, empathy and compassion for others. Someone who is outgoing and confident and is trying to live their best life every day and have fun while they’re doing it!

Although sounding as if it may have come from a greeting card, I still hold onto the romantic notion of finding someone who is not only my best friend, who I am wildly attracted to, who I enjoy spending time with, but someone who I genuinely LIKE!

Shouldn’t be too challenging, right? 😉 ”

I’ll of course post my new ‘essay’ for all to see as soon as I have it formulated!

 

Always Be Nice To Your Waiter ….. October 25, 2010

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:46 pm
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So although this wasn’t during this round of dating fiascos, I’ll never forget the guy I went out with when I lived in Boise.  Well, of course I have long since forgotten his name, but that’s not important anyway.  He was drop dead gorgeous!  Tall, great smile, great eyes, great hair, dressed well, smart ……. you get the picture, right?  Well he takes me out to dinner and was nice as could be when he picked me up ~ good conversation in the car & there I sat, happy as a clam that I was out with such a funny, smart hottie!  Yey me!

We get to the restaurant (a nice one, btw) and walk up to the hostess stand where he proceeds to tell the hostess his name, reservation time and demands to be seated at a specific table right away.  Holy crap!  No greeting, no ‘please’, no ‘thank you’, no hint of civility.  The face of the poor hostess just fell and she nervously walked us to our table where my awesome date plops his butt down without pulling out my chair for me.  No biggie, but it would have been nice, right?

Anyway, our waiter comes over and asks us if we’d like something to drink and my hottie again is rude as hell to the poor guy.  Barks his drink order at him, complete with about 27 special instructions.  I did my best to apologize to the waiter and as politely as I could, placed my drink order.  I just gave my date a look and debated saying something but wondered if he had just had a bad day.  He continues to talk to me, as nice as can be, so I figure whatever he had up his ass regarding the hostess & waiter was gone. 

Nope, not so lucky ….. the waiter brings our drinks and takes our dinner order.  Mr. Hottie barks his dinner order in the most condescending and rude fashions I’ve ever had the misfortune of witnessing (and I managed restaurants for years!).  I, of course, proceeded to order the most expensive thing on the menu, complete with appetizer, extra side dishes and dessert.

I excuse myself from the table to use the restroom and as i’m headed back there, I am wondering what sort of person treats another human being with such rudeness?  As I’m pondering this, I opt to take a right at the back of the dining room, head out the side door and walk down to my favorite bar in the area where I had a great night with nice people!

I wonder how long he sat there before he figured out that I wasn’t coming back?  Never be rude to your waiter!

 

Surprise, Surprise ……

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:00 pm
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Huh, this may seriously challenge my cynical jaded-ness.  Remember the “1” that I will not write about in this blog?  Remember it’s because I was the dipshit in that scenario? I really don’t want to have to make an entire post on what a nimrod I was.  Well, everyone could use it as a guideline of what NOT to do on the off chance that you do decide to actually, maybe, sort of be interested in someone.  I could title it ‘How To Lose A Guy In 7 Days’ ;-).   Words to absolutely not live by.  Anyway, it’s sort of bothered me for months now about how I acted and a whole lot of senseless ‘what ifs’ and basically assumed that he now thinks I’m a total nutcase.

Anyhow, he e mailed me today and although I know that there’s no going back or do-overs with this one and that we’re pretty much over and done with, it was nice to hear that he does not, in fact think I’m a neurotic moron. 🙂 Yey me!

LOL, see how little it takes to make me happy?  Oh, and just for the record, we had e mailed and talked on the phone for weeks before actually meeting and it totally threw me for a loop that I actually was interested in someone (did I just say that?).  I guess it’s fun to bash on all the crappy guys I’ve gone out with, but not so much to realize that I am not entirely at ease or myself when I meet someone that I might actually be interested in.  Huh, go figure 😉 Probably because it happens so rarely! 🙂

 

Another Guy Who’s Name I Can’t Remember October 24, 2010

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:49 pm
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So his pictures were a little iffy as was his profile, but I think this was towards the beginning of my forray into online dating, so I figured what the hell.  When we spoke on the phone he was very nice, but pretty much made it clear he was absolutely looking for someone to fall for right away.  Uh, yikes.  Like 3rd date? Hmmm, maybe I better rethink this.

Anyway, he calls and comes up with the horrid idea of meeting at Chili’s for a drink.  Crap, now I have to weigh the option of sitting at home bored against going to a place I hate and leaving smelling like onion rings.  Onion rings won out.

So I walk in, wearing a cute, yet casual outfit and flats as he said he’s only 6′, so I don’t want to be taller than him.  Huh, what do you know?  I WAS taller than him!  WTH?!?!? Can you lie about anything more obvious? *sigh* Well, within about 4 seconds I decide I’m not attracted to him in the least (sorry, but it’s important) but as long as I’m there, we can talk for a bit. 

He proceeds to drone on about nothing while I look at the table, I avoid answering any questions that he asks me and basically sit there, not paying attention, but making standard acknowledgement noises to whatever topic he was boring me with.

After a bit, I apologize, tell him I’m really sorry, but that I need to go.  He gets up, gives me a big hug and tells me he had a great time (really? i pretty much ignored him the whole time) and do I want to go out again.

Guess what my answer was?

I should have just stayed home ………… I can’t stand liars …………

* OMG< I just remembered his name …….. Phil………. that was during my ‘P’ phase of unfortunate dates (Peter the latent homosexual, Paul the emotional retard and now Phil ………. I think that’s when I vowed to not go out with anyone else who’s name started with the letter P*

 

Jim

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:03 pm
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Adorably cute blonde haired, blue eyed, baby faced Jim (or at least that’s what his pictures presented).  E-mailed me some pithy 3 line something or other, but due to his good looks (yeah, whatever, i’ve already established that I’m shallow), I forgave him his lack of writing skills.  I answered back.  He responded with his phone number.  I mean JUST his phone number.  Huh, interesting.

Eh, what the hell, so I call him the next day and we actually had a great conversation.  I was a bit dubious due to his curt e-mails, but he was really nice.  We talked about favorite restaurants & bars, our jobs, hobbies, friends, whatever.  He asked me a couple of times what I was doing that weekend and I told him (couldn’t figure out if he wanted to see if I had an opening for him or if he was just making conversation).  Anyway, about 45 minutes in he tells me he has to go, but that he really enjoyed talking to me and will give me a call on Monday.

That was 3 weeks ago ……… I’m still waiting 😉 ………dumbass