43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

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Lesson Learned….. May 20, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:35 pm
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When last I checked in, I was ‘dating’ 2 men.  And by ‘dating’, I mean going out to dinner.  As that’s all I’m really able to do right now.  One had more potential than the other but I can’t honestly say I was totally excited about either one.  I didn’t want to blog about either of them though as I’ve decided that tempting fate and summoning bad karma probably isn’t a good thing for me right now.

The 1st (and one with less potential) was just SOOOOOO nice.  He complimented me.  Yes, even with my extra 20 pounds and bum knee.  He was sweet and kind and let’s be honest …. boring as hell.  We didn’t have much in common but I did enjoy his company.  We went out a total of 3 times.  I picked up the check on the 3rd, and subsequently last, date.

I opted to give bachelor #2 a shot.  We got along great.  Laughed easily, had fun together and he was a good guy.  Our dates, oddly enough though, never lasted more than an hour.  We would go out to eat and then ….. nothing.  It took him until our 3rd date to even kiss me and darn the luck, it wasn’t good.  Date #4 didn’t involve a kiss as he thought he was getting sick.  I had planned ahead though and studied the restaurant menu online to find what I could order in order to discourage his going in for another try.  Crisis averted.  Then we met for lunch on date #5.  As he had to get back to work, it set an all time record for speed at 41 minutes.  Walking away from lunch, having had him secure plans for Friday, I was feeling okay.  He’s a really good guy.  He’s in good shape, has a good job, makes me laugh and loves his kids.  So he doesn’t knock my socks off … yet.  That could come in time, right?  I could teach him how to kiss.  I think we could have fun together.  Our dates were always very ‘surface’ and neither of us either offered or tried to find out anything deeper about ourselves or the other.  I was determined to change that on our next date…..

I absolutely know that I’m off my game.  I’m not feeling very good about myself.  I’m hugely self conscious about my knee and walking funny.  I’m slightly mortified by my increasingly large ass and I am more than a little bit unorganized and twitterpated since my move.  Well really, since my surgery (I honestly think they removed my memory and ability to organize my thoughts/life along with my knee joint).  Anyway, we’d secured plans for this Friday during our last lunch.  I was hoping that our date would last more than an hour.  For all the times that we went out, we never really got to know much of anything about the other.  I was going to make a concerted effort to change that Friday.

I wasn’t going to blog about anyone with potential.  Maybe to let you all know that there ‘might’ be ‘someone’, but that’s it.  And I held true to that for the past month.  Until he opted to tell me that ‘although I like spending time with you, I don’t think we’re a dating fit’ …. via text.  Nice.  Of course I’m trying to figure out what ‘dating fit’ means.  That I’m not a slut?  That I’m somewhat physically handicapped?  That my ass is the size of Texas?  I don’t know.  And guess I won’t know.  I looked back over our texts and all was fine up until a week ago when contact got a bit more spotty.  I guess I’ll chalk it up to his finding someone he likes better than me.

Guess what though?  My knee will get better eventually.  I’ll be able to do ‘fun’ things again.  I will be able to drop all the weight I’ve gained since being immobile.  I’ll still be alone ….. I’ll just be a better version of me….. and then he’ll be sorry. 😉  Or not …. regardless, that was kinda shitty to dump me via text, doncha think?

Oddly enough, I’m kind of upset about it.  About his not wanting to date me.  Guess it takes being dumped to realize that yeah, I guess I did kinda like that guy…..


5th Time Is The Charm? November 14, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:44 am
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He started jogging again.  He HATES jogging.  He only ever did it because his crazy neighbor ex girlfriend liked it and it was an excuse to spend time together…….

When something doesn’t work out in a relationship and you ‘break up’ 4 times within a 4 year time period and then proceed to bitch, bad-mouth and obsess of said ex for the next 2 years, what would make someone think that maybe giving it just one more try would work?  No silly people, stop yelling at your screens and preparing to throw your computer out the window.  I’m not talking about me and TD.  I am, however, talking about TD and his crazy key-wielding ex who lives next door to him. 

I’ve been keeping my distance.  I haven’t seen him.  I only think about him once a day instead of 52.  I don’t communicate first.  I do, however, respond most times when he reaches out.  Yes, I know, I’m a dumbass.  I picked up his call yesterday and he proceeded to tell me that he has a ‘lunch meeting’ set up with her.  And then added ‘don’t hate me’.  I don’t even know what that means.  Although I have many reasons to hate him, and I guess the fact that I spent over a year trying to put him back together after she destroyed him should probably piss me off, but it just doesn’t. 

I’ve told him since day 1 that he wasn’t over her.  I’ve told him since day 1 that in the back of his mind he thinks they’re going to end up together.  I’ve told him since day 527 that just because he is currently in a ‘relationship’ with the world’s most ‘safe’ and boring person (yes, the closet dwelling lunch lady), that doesn’t mean that there’s not a happy medium between the crazy key wielding ex and the woman who sits in her closet and cries. 

He’s spent 2 years saying how evil and mean and black hearted she is.  He’s told his kids, his neighbors, the local bartender, the mailman, the people at the gym and pretty much everyone else he knows how much he hates her.  How on earth can he even consider giving it another chance?  She’s always wanted him back.  She’s tried to contact him many times in the past.  She’s very smart and very manipulative and I see it all starting again.  They haven’t spoken in 2 years yet the second there is a text conversation about meeting up and ‘getting closure’ (HA), she mysteriously sets all of her FB pictures to private.  What?! Of course I stalk; duh.  He does too.  If he hasn’t picked up this latest covert op of hers, then he’s dumber than I think.  She’s paraded men in and out of her house for the past 2 years.  She has young kids.  She hasn’t been alone more than 3 days over the past 2 years and usually moves the guy of the moment right on in.

She’s pretty and sexy and has a good body.  She also has a black heart, could win an academy award for acting otherwise and absolutely destroyed TD and his confidence the 1st time around.  She claims to have changed.  To be a much better person and mother.  He’s told me for 2 years that he’d never ever get back together with her.  He’s told me I was nuts for thinking that.  Yet here they are, meeting to ‘talk’ and ‘get some questions answered’.  Uhm, who cares what the answers are if you’re not interested?  He claims to just want closure.  To be able to be civil with her.  To find out ‘why’.  I know him too well, I see the writing on the wall.

He told me that one of the things he would have to think about was alienating people.  Like who?  His current girlfriend?  He says his kids 1st and foremost.  As it should be.  They know all that’s happened.  They’ve heard all the horrible things that he has said about her.  They’ve heard him declare ‘never again’.  And now he’s going to do it.  His kids are going to be uber confused.  I know what he’ll do because it’s what they did at the beginning of the 1st go around.  They’re going to sneak around.  Isn’t everything more fun when you can do it CIA style?  I asked him who else he was worried about ‘alienating’ with this catastrophically bad decision.  He said his #2 concern in all of this was me.  (insert big fat snort here)

How could he even consider this? Why do I care?  Why do I worry that she’s going to destroy him again?  Why do I care that he’s going to sacrifice his self respect in order to go back to the familiar? You’re all smart cookies …….. you know why.  The same reason I’ve sacrificed my self respect in an attempt to be his ‘friend’. 😦



How To Find A Boyfriend In 6 Easy Steps October 16, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:13 pm
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Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve had lots of time to ponder what these steps would be and actually put them into action.  They’re simple and straight forward.  Now, for all of you that abide by the ‘he’ll appear when you stop looking’ sentiment;  Uhm, poppycock.  I don’t think that’s meant literally (the sentiment, not the poppycock).  It doesn’t mean to litterally give up on finding love.  I think it just means to not make it such a priority.  Everyone who is single knows that even when we’re out with friends doing silly things that only we alone love, we’ve still got our eyes peeled.  It’s called multi-tasking. 😉

Anyways, here are my tried and true steps.  You’re welcome to ad lib when/where necessary to suit your own style:

1) Surround yourself with good friends

2) Go out and do what you want to do

3) Don’t care so much about what other people think

4) Smile, be happy and have fun

5) Always wear clean underwear (okay, this one really doesn’t have anything to do with the ‘list’, but it’s just a good rule of thumb) 😉

6) If, after you’ve tried steps 1-5 and you still haven’t met an amazing guy OR if you’ve tried steps 1-5 and you still care about finding an amazing guy and some shithead you once liked looks at you with pity in his eyes when he assumes you’re still single ………… make him up.  Yup, I did it again.  I swear I didn’t mean to.  It just came out.  This is why I never lie.  It’s ridiculous and really hard to keep up on the details.  Apparently the nerve connection that prevents my mouth from blurting out shit that your mind tells it not to is on the fritz.  Damn.

Anyway, meet Mark.  He’s a project manager at a major credit card company.  He’s kind and caring and funny and sweet.  We’ve known each other almost 3 months.  He’s got 2 kids that I have only met once, by accident (we ran into them at the mall).  He wants me to spend time with his kids but I don’t want to get attached to kids if ‘we’ aren’t going to work out (and, since he’s make believe, chances are we won’t).  He travels a lot for work so we don’t get to spend a lot of time together, but we’re working on getting to know each other and taking things slow.  I haven’t yet figured out how to tell my imaginary boyfriend that I am completely delusional and insane though.  I hope he doesn’t dump me when he finds out ………

Feel free to stop reading my blog and to start denying that you ever did ……. *sigh*


Exciting News or …….. I Need To Up My Meds May 24, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:31 pm
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** haha, I just found this in my drafts folder ….. I wrote it a couple of months ago …… keep that in mind when you’re deciding whether or not I’m a total nutjob or not** 😉

I’d like you all to meet someone.  He’s someone very special to me.  He treats me well, puts up with all my crazy neurosis, doesn’t belittle me or make me feel like 2nd choice.  He listens.  And remembers.  He even seems to care what I have to say.  Just to give you an idea, here are just a few things that have happened in the past  two weeks:

1) When he found out I was having a really bad day, he offered to take me to dinner.  When he discovered that our original destination was closed for a private party, he must have searched the recesses of his memory to pull out the name of a restaurant that I must have mentioned in passing at some point and took my there.  It’s my favorite hole in the wall sushi place (and while normally ‘hole in the wall’ and ‘sushi’ is a recipe for disaster and something to run screaming from, this place is awesome!).   We then went for a walk around the waterfront (that’s what we call the canal around here in order to fancify things).

2) He’s come over to my house (I rarely, if ever, let people know where I live for fear that when they decide I suck or *gasp* the opposite, they then know which windows to peep into) and we’ve taken the dogs for a walk to the park down the street from me where we played on the swings before walking to a restaurant near me where we tied the doggies up to the railing and had dinner on the patio.  Just the 5 of us.  Me, him and my 3 (!) dogs.

3)  He knows I’m crazy busy with work this week and since I can’t actually set aside any time for him in the next 4 days, he’s going to volunteer with me at a ‘Rock The Zoo’ event on Friday.

He’s sweet and kind and everything I could ever imagine.  As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ve done.  I’ve imagined him.  As in made him up.  He doesn’t exist.  I just got tired of people asking me (with some shitty look of pity in their eyes) how dating was going.  So I thought that instead of my patented ‘still looking/trying/trying not to stab myself in the eye’ response, I opted to mix it up a bit.  And it’s fairly pathetic.  And I know this.  And I did it anyway.  Damn, I’m going to have to break up with him soon before anyone actually wants to meet him!

Feel free to let me know what a psychopath you think I am in the comments.  😉


Just For Fun …….. Or Maybe For Sending…. May 23, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:08 pm
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As I always like to do, I have constructed several well thought out replies to TD’s shitty ex.  I doubt that I’ll send any of them, but it makes me feel better to write them all out.  And then edit them.  And then write different versions.  And then make them nicer.  And then make them shittier.  And then ramble on and address every single point she made.  And then decide that cryptic is better.  Below is my ‘favorite’ draft of the response I will most likely never send.  I’ve tried to use small words so that she can understand it.  It’s nasty and unsympathetic.  Just like her message to me was.  Enjoy.

Hi Bitchy Ex-Wife,

I had an entire other response to your message drafted, but I have decided that it’s really a waste of my time to try to explain things to you as we’ve been through this before and you continue to believe what you want to believe.

You know nothing about me or my intentions.  Shame on you for thinking I would use your kids in order to get close to TD.  You obviously have no idea what the situation is these days, so don’t ever presume to know me or my intentions.  We are nothing alike.  I’m sorry that you find it hard to believe that I enjoy their company for just that……..their company.

I love your children for their bright and wonderful personalities.  As their mother, you should realize how amazing they are.  You have insinuated that my gifts are some sort of bribe.  They’re not.  I put great thought into what to get them and always choose things that interest them.  I don’t care that you think my gifts are extravagant.  They’re not.  I assure you that they don’t cost anything near what you think and I don’t much care what you think of them.  You are not my concern.  They are.

As it was made clear to me that I was not welcome at the ceremony or party on Friday, I chose to take the high road and arranged to see S privately.  I had no idea you would be at the house.  I was there to see her.  Not TD and certainly not you.

I love your kids.  They love me.  I know they’re not my family.  You need to get over whatever ridiculous jealousies you have and accept the fact that I will ALWAYS be there for C & S when and if they need me to be, regardless of my situation with TD.

As you threw in a couple of intentionally hurtful statements to your e-mail, I will do the same.  I’m well aware that YOU would like TD back and he is as well.  I’ve seen all the past text messages and heard all about the invitations.  I’m sorry if you think I’m in your way; I assure you that I’m not.

I wish your intentions in sending that e-mail were to look out for the best interest of C & S.  It wasn’t.  It was to look out for yours.  I will always have your kids’ best interests at heart and nothing else.  You should try it sometime.  I would appreciate you not contacting me again J.  There is nothing less I like than a hypocrite and you are a huge one.

Fuck you ………… Grey Goose

Okay, I would never include the ‘fuck you’ part.  Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely think it, I just wouldn’t include it in the message.  I assume it would be more of an implied sign off. 😉


It Took A Year, But ………. April 17, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:41 pm
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It’s finally done.  No really.  This time it is.  The man brings absolutely nothing positive to my life anymore.  Oh wait, did you all just scream at the computer and call me very colorful names?  That’s okay, I deserve it.  This is what?  The 5th time I’ve said I’m done?  The 5th time I’ve said ‘no, really, this time I mean it’?  Well I really do.  I haven’t written about him lately as I figured I would save you all the effort of having to throw your computers, smart phones, tablets & whatevers out the window.  When last you heard, he was being a major dickhead to me because of The Closet Dweller (who, via text, is not so lovingly referred to as Horse Face).  He was mean to me on his birthday.  He was mean to me on Christmas.  He finally kicked me out of his life a few days after that.  And I went willingly.  I’ll be honest though; I hated how we ended.  It was ugly.  Anyway, sometime around mid February we attempted to tentatively try this ‘friendship’ thing again.  And it’s been a fiasco.  He had broken up with The Closet dweller after 5 fucked up months and I guess needed his ‘friend’ back.  As I’m the world’s biggest moron, I went.  And for a few weeks we were fine.  He took his kids to New York, he texted, we kept in touch.  He told me that he just wasn’t excited about a relationship with Horse Face (sound familiar?  Well it should as those are the exact same words he said about me long ago).  That he just wasn’t thrilled by her.  That he didn’t feel that ‘I can’t live without you’ feeling that he said he always wanted (and again told me he didn’t feel with me).  He said that she was just ‘okay’.  Uhm……… okay.  Then he decided he missed her and that ‘they’ deserved a 2nd chance.  And that’s when things got ugly with us again.  I was jealous beyond belief.  How on earth could this uneducated, fugly, train wreck of a person deserve all the chances and 2nd chances that I never got?  I will absolutely take 1/2 the blame this time.  I turned into this overly emotional, needy, whiny, bitchy mess of a human being and I was pretty hard on him.  As an added bonus, I would insult The Closet Dweller every chance I got *hanging head in shame*.  No, I never actually met her, but I would say bad things to him.  Yes, very mature, I know.  TD has a very long list of double standards that he abides by (he will not respond to a text or phone call when he is with ‘her’, but will not hesitate to text and talk on the phone to her in front of me’.  I hated that.  And was a big baby about it.  TD got very angry with me.  Many times.  And we fought.  A lot.

It all came to a head on Saturday when we went to a poker tournament together.  He had come over earlier in the day to help with a few things around the house and then we went to dinner and the tournament.  Of course, he was texting with her the whole time *gag*.  On one of the poker breaks I went to the bathroom (for all of about 2 minutes) and when I got back he said ‘I know you’re going to be mad, but I have to go meet Horse Face’.  I asked the ever inflammatory ‘why’ (as I kinda thought he was being rude) and he had one of his patented hissy fits and stormed off.  What followed was a lovely strand of text messages between us.  The gist of mine being ‘you had all day to tell me that you were meeting her later and didn’t. thanks for leaving me in a room full of people I don’t know and sticking me with the check’.  He sent back some choice statements of his own.  I ended by typing those words that I never ever said before.  Or if I did, it was a watered down version and I didn’t really mean them. “I Don’t Think We Should Be Friends Anymore”.

After 2 days of silence he sent an e mail letting me know this was mainly my fault and blah blah blah.  I responded by admitting that I have been a whiny, needy, snarky mess lately, but it was caused by him.  And then I told him how much he had hurt me last year and how impossible it was for me to sit by and watch him date and then be in a relationship when all along, I was hoping he’d change his mind.  I also told him his temper was out of control regarding me and that I’d never seen this side of him before.  I told him that he was making me miserable and I needed to ‘go find my happy’ again and I couldn’t do that with him in my life.  He responded with a fairly nice e-mail suggesting that we ‘not be friends right now’.  Uhm, whatever …. I said it first and I meant ever.

So here I sit.  A little bit weepy.  A little bit proud of myself.  A little sad that he never changed his mind about me.  A little ‘what if’ regarding if he would have come found me if I had really walked away back in February (I think he would have).  A bit regretful that it got so ugly and we ended this way.   I know I did the right thing.  He brings nothing positive to my life anymore and I’m sick of being miserable.  TD is all about TD these days so I finally need to be all about me.

The end.  I’m going to die alone ………..



Why I’m A Bitch, Reason #4,286 April 13, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:27 am
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So I was testing out my new ‘favorite and forget’ theory on match and seemed to have attracted the interest of 2 men.  2 vertically challenged men.  1 I met for drinks on Wednesday, but that’s not why I’m a bitch.  The other, I spoke to on the phone once.  And he told me all about his love of yoga and Indian food and anything Navajo.  None of which interest me.  He told me about a trip he took, at the invitation of some Hopi Indians, to go to their sacred whatever it’s called and watch a Kachina ritual.  You know, like the Kachina dolls you see only these are tribe-members dressed up just like that and they do ceremonial dances and chanting.  And that is how he spent his vacation.  And all I could think was ‘geez, and I spent mine laying on a beach drinking cocktails’.  Not quite on the same spiritual level I would say.  He was very nice and very sweet and very much wanted to meet for coffee.  As we couldn’t coordinate a time he said he’d call me the next day.  Which he did.  And I let him go to voicemail.  I responded by sending a text saying that I was working (lie) and would have to call him back either yesterday or today.  And I’m thinking, here’s a perfectly good, although vertically challenged individual who has a good heart and intentions and although I posses those things too (shush, I do, really), we seem to show them in completely different ways.  I just couldn’t see myself discussing the meaning of life over Chai Tea and curry.  So I sent him a very nice message on Match.  Saying that although I was certain he would meet a wonderful woman, I just wasn’t her.

Now, back to that date I had.  I won’t go into much detail as there is the very slight chance I might see him again and I certainly don’t need to throw anything out into the universe that might work against me.  We met for cocktails and had a terrific time.  He too is shorter than I am and is a goofy looking semi ginger.  But he had great eyes and was great fun to talk to.  We stayed for about 2.5 hours and had many laughs.  While I was driving home I received a text from him saying what a great time he had and how awesome I was to talk to.  I responded that I had a great time as well.  And then ……….. nothing.  2 days go by without a peep.  I figured I’d chalk it up to the ever frustrating shiny ball syndrome that seems to permeate the attention of online daters.  Well, my ever optimistic friend grabbed my phone last night and sent him a text (approved by me ;-)).  And he responded immediately.  We proceeded to text back and forth for the next half hour or so (yes, i’m that girl who texts on her phone while out with friends apparently) and the messages were short, cute and somewhat flirty.  And then, once again, he just stopped.  Told me I was a cute, funny & sexy and then didn’t bother to ask me out again.  Uhm, WTF?


Power Outage March 13, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:14 pm
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*warning* short, but introspective and sad(ish) post to follow*

And yes, it involves TD.  Get over it.  Nope, not gonna rehash everything.  Not going to wonder ‘why’.  Or better yet, ‘why not’.  People that used to see us together thought we were the perfect couple ~ even when we weren’t ever technically ‘a couple’.  Everyone told us that.  His friends, my friends, random people in bars.  We were.  We laughed, we glowed, we made each other want to be a better person.  I was at my best with him (for however short a time it was).

I am well aware that I have changed, and not for the better, over the past year thanks to him.  I’ve become sad and unsure of myself.  I’ve questioned myself, him and everything more times than I care to remember.  I know I’m not nearly the person I used to be and that instead of making me a better person like he used to, TD makes me a worse one.

My realtor guru said it best tonight.  We’ve known each other for years.  I consider her a friend.  She called me after meeting TD and I.  Don’t ask why we were together, it’s a business deal that we’re trying to get out of.  She’d never seen us together before.  She has listened to all my bitching and moaning about him and all that he’s done/not done to/for me over the past year and a half.  She thinks I’m a great person.  Fun and lively; witty, smart and thoughtful.  She called me after she left tonight to let me know that although she couldn’t get a good handle on TD from the short amount of time that she was with us, she hated how I ‘changed’ from the time that we were together talking to when he walked in.  She hated who I automatically turned into.  She said it made her sad.  She said that I totally changed and that I reminded her of one of those horrible after school specials where you can always pick out the battered woman.  The one who is being controlled or always afraid of doing something wrong.  She said that was me.  What she also said, that I don’t think I’ll ever forget and makes me exceptionally sad to have let anyone do this to me is simply this:

He walked in and your light went out.  😦 

I may actually cry………


Where Is George Jetson When I Need Him? January 19, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:42 pm
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Emotions are such annoying things.  You finally think you have them under control and then *wham*, out of the blue, for no apparent reason you go from being ‘fine’ to being well, not so fine.  I do much better being mad than I do being sad.  Being mad means that someone fucked up and it’s their loss.  Being sad means I probably fucked up and it’s my loss.  It’s that whole annoying head vs heart thing.  Life would be so much easier if I could just skate along feeling nothing.  Kinda like Rosie The Robot.  Who, if I remember correctly, was not only emotionless, but had the bonus ability of being able to pull a sandwich out of her stomach.  I’m so jealous …….

So what brought on tonight’s mood swing?  Who the hell knows.  Here are some options though:

1) Maybe it’s a full moon tonight?

2) Maybe because it’s cold here tonight and I’m sitting by a space heater with my dogs instead of instead of a fire-place curled up with an actual human being (of the male persuasion, thank you)

3) Maybe it’s because TD’s son’s 16th birthday is next weekend and I know I’m going to miss it

4) Maybe it’s because, despite everything, I miss TD (the old, sweet version; not the new dick-headed one)

5) Maybe it’s because, as job #2 makes us do every year, I had to pre-pick my vacation weeks for the entire year and realized that I have absolutely nothing planned

6) Maybe it’s because I was dumb enough to accept a date from someone I’m not all that interested in for tomorrow night and he chose to go to dinner

7) Maybe it’s because I actually stepped on the scale this morning and didn’t like what I saw

8) Maybe it’s because I’m just a mess and can’t quite figure out what to do about that

9) Maybe the thought of yet another year spent alone doesn’t really appeal to me

10) Maybe it’s because I’m just tired.  Of everything.

Or maybe I’m just a moody bitch and everything will be better in the morning.


Flat On My Back ……. Or, As If I Needed Another Reason To Hate FB December 28, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:02 pm
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What have I been up to?  Nothing good; that’s for sure.  Nothing that doesn’t involve me being flat on my back.  Minds out of the gutter people.  I could be so lucky.  I threw my back out.  And no, not doing anything fun, dammit.  I did it working.  Job #2.  Which I already kinda hated but knew I needed it for a reason.  Now I’m physically unable to do it and need to pull my shit together and either suck it up and deal with it, or start renewing my love of ramen noodles.  🙂 Okay, so it’s not that bad.  Yet.  But we all know how overly dramatic I like to be.

As I’ve been absent for a few weeks, one would assume it’s because I’ve finally told TD to fuck off and I’ve been in a funk because of it.  Too bad that’s only half accurate.  Guess which half?

Here’s a hint.  He actually wants me to meet the closet dweller.  Really?  He thinks it would make things easier on him if she met me.  Of course it will.  She doesn’t trust him.  She doesn’t trust me.  She’s jealous of me.  She drives by his house and gets pissed every time she sees my car there.  He’s banned me from the house since Christmas.  When she accused him of cheating on her with me.  Again.  Who knew I was being timed and that she was pissed when she did an ‘accidental’ drive by (he lives in a cul-de-sac, by the way) at 10am and she saw my car there.  Imagine how pissed she was when she did another accidental drive by (probably just one of many more that day) and saw my car still there at 10pm?  Along with 10 other cars that belonged to his family members.  She obviously isn’t the smartest apple on the tree as she accused him of cheating on her.  With me.  While not only his entire extended family was in the house, but all of his kids as well.  Uhm ….. if there was something to hide, could she not even give us enough credit to put my car in his garage?  Or around the block?  Apparently she’s an accomplished facebook stalker too (shush, I’m just better at it).  She’s seen his posts, my posts, his pictures, my pictures and all alse for the past year+.  She’s always known about me.  Why would she even start something with him if she thought I was anything more than a friend?  Why would she not trust him after this long?  At least a little bit?  Why would she whine and moan about all my pictures of all of us together as well as all of my postings that have anything to do with his family?  Best yet, why the hell would she get mad when she saw that I blocked her (within 2 hours, thank you very much)?  That I was tired of having to ‘watch’ what I said or the pictures I posted because she would get mad at him (and mind you, we’re talking completely innocent things here).  It’s now been requested that I unblock her.  So she can go back to checking my page multiple times a day.

He enables her to be so paranoid.  He excuses her inexcusable behaviour again and again.  He justified her ‘drive bys’.  He justified her paranoia.  He justified the fact that by meeting me, she will trust him more.  Apparently based on my sparkling personality more than his own merits?  So annoying.  So yes, I am banned from his house.  He knows that if she sees my car in his driveway, she’ll dump him.  Naturally I questioned him about this imposed ban.  And sort of told him to fuck off and that I was tired of taking the blame for her insecurities.  Oh wait, did I forget to mention that he literally screamed at me on X-Mas?  And dis-invited me the next day?  And blamed me for everything?  And blames her for nothing?  And has now played the ‘I’d do anything for you because I’m your friend’ card on me in order to get me to meet her?  And when I told him where he could shove his brilliant idea and how dare he put me in that situation, that he then reached for the ‘you must still have feelings for me card?’  And when I told him that none of this was fair to me to be blamed for everything and be made to take the brunt of all his frustrations regarding everything (work, life, her, me, kids, crazy key wielding ex girlfriend next door neighbor) and that I was sick of it that he actually acknowledged how unfair all of this is to me?  That he feels horrible and knows he’s putting me in an unfair spot that pretty much has no ‘good’ outcome where I am concerned?  And that since I’m such a pathetic pushover and in the end just want everyone to be happy (aside from myself apparently) that I agreed?

Yes ladies and gentleman; I’m just that pathetic.  And wish them the best of luck in their fucked up mistrustful, paranoid, ridiculous relationship……. I can’t really think of anything that I’d like to do less than to meet her.  Even if I never had feelings for him, I still thinks she kinda sucks for testing him all the time and making him work so hard.  Then again, I think he kinda sucks for allowing her to do it.  And for putting me in the middle of it all.  😦

The only caveat I put on this amazing meeting (don’t you wish I could u-tube the whole fucked up thing?) was that it had to be somewhere that had a bar.  And that he was paying.  Monetarily of course, as we all know who’ll get footed with the emotional bill that comes out of all of this while they ride happily into the sunset together ….. he may have actually pushed me too far this time ………… maybe


New Rules, New Restaurant, And Botox …….. Just A Random Thursday November 29, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:13 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Not sure that I mentioned that I took this week off from work.  Apparently so I’d have extra time in which to feel sorry for myself.  😉 My 2nd job requires that I request all my time off for the year at the beginning of the year.  As it is TD’s birthday week and he always said he never wanted to be in town for his birthday, and as things were going fairly well when vacation requesting time came, I took the week off.  Fully intending to have us be well on our way to happily ever after.  He always wanted to spend his 50th in the Virgin Islands.  And I had it all planned (hell, any excuse for a tropical vacation, right?).  Then things went to shit.  Repeatedly.  Then the week long cruise got cut to a few days in San Diego.  Then the few days got cut to a weekend in the mountains.  Then, as we all know, that got cut to nothing.  I figured I could just spend some extra time with TD and the kids doing fun stuff, so no biggie.  Then the ‘new rules’ were instated.  So here I am, with the entire week off from work (and I tried to un-do my request so I could work and earn some $$ but to no avail) and not a whole hell of a lot to do.  Thanks to TD, I no longer even entertain the idea of suggesting getting together.  I don’t call.  I don’t text.  I don’t contact him at all.  Sure, I respond if he calls or texts, but I don’t initiate anything.  And it sucks.  Funny (not really) how different things turned out.  In every regard.  😦  So instead of doing much of anything fun as all of my friends actually work for a living before going home to their husbands and kids, I have been getting all sorts of lame appointments out the way.  Dogs to the groomers.  Me to the doctor.  And dentist.  And oil change place (no pervs, that was not a euphemism for anything).  Yey.  *sigh*

Oh well.  So along with the stack of Living Social and Groupons that I have for he and his kids to do fun activities with me, and buried amongst all my beloved restaurant certificates was one for botox.  Eeek.  What better time to try this awesome injection of bacteria into my frown lines than now, right?  I don’t mind the wrinkles at the sides of my eyes as those are from smiling.  I LOVE those!  They actually make me happy.  I don’t mind the little wrinkles that recently appeared at the sides of my mouth as I attribute those to smiling as well.  I do mind the deep crevices that have settled in between my eyes though.  Those aren’t from smiling.  And have been there way too long.  Sure, I’m more sad than usual these days.  Sure, I worry about everything (and everyone).  Do people need to be able to see my worry lines from a mile away though?  No, I don’t think so.  So I went this morning.  And let an oddly wrinkled lady inject this magic elixir into my forehead and at the bridge of my nose.  And it hurt like hell.  And she wasn’t very nice.  And I hope I don’t end up looking like a wax faced Real Housewife of Wherever.

So me and my pin cushioned face are breaking all kinds of rules today.  We finally gave in and went to the doctor.  We finally admitted defeat and the fact that maybe I could use some ‘help’ finding my smile again.  And the nice man gave me a free sample of a month long protocol for something new on the market (after complimenting me on my hair … I guess the messy, unbrushed look works for me ….. who knew?).  I feel better already.  No, not that they actually work that fast, but really …. aren’t free pharmaceuticals better than a man in your life?  Oh, no?  Damn…….

Another rule to be broken later today is that of no ‘food dates’ for 1st meetings.  Certainly no food dates for men that seem unusually excited about meeting me.  Certainly no food dates for men that I seem to be unusually uninterested in meeting.  I tried to steer the date along the lines of coffee (yikes) or a (meaning ONE) drink.  This guy seems so nice though.  I thought I had him sold on the idea of a ‘quick drink’ and then he told me of all this research he had done for restaurants in my area and was very nervous that he selected properly.  Crap.  For all the bitchy moments I have and my stellar ability to offend, I just can’t do it to nice guys.  I feel bad as I don’t think we’re a good match for many many reasons, but I’m going anyway.  In jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt and flip flops.  With my bad attitude, mopey personality, pin cushioned forehead and most likely covered in dog hair as I will have just picked up ‘the boys’ from the groomer.

Wish him me luck?


Why I’m A Moron, Part 4,327 November 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:44 am
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So all two of you that must bang your heads into the nearest wall whenever you read those awesome initials TD are going to love this.  I haven’t written about him much as really, there’s not much to write that’s any different from before.  Aside from the fact that in spite of thinking he’s a delusional moron, I still consider him my best friend.  As he does me.  Anyway, we still hang out, just less than before.  He actually told me that he was pre-emptively cutting back our time together in preparation for when he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me.  What?  Yes, that’s how his emotionally retarded, engineering mind works.  He’s going to be an ass now, so it won’t come as such a shock when he does it later.  Okay…….

I just enjoy any time I can with he and his kids as I know it’s all coming to an end.  If he’s really interested in some woman who cancels on him left and right, is still in love with her cheating soon to be ex husband, and who sits in a closet in order to feel emotionally ‘safe’, then more power to him.  Them both really.  They may be perfect for each other.

The story I am about to tell won’t have a follow-up until next week because we all know that it’s absolutely going to require one.  Why, you ask?  Or not, too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.  TD’s 50th birthday is on Monday.  He’s always said he never wants to be in town for his birthday so even though I knew there was a good possibility that he’d be in a relationship, I planned a trip.  For us.  Fully intending to hand it over to he and whoever should he be in a ‘relationship’ when the date hit.  As he and the closet dwelling lunch lady can’t possibly be in a ‘relationship’ as she only gives him about 2 hours face time a week, I figured I’d take him.  Stop yelling at me …… it’s his 50th and that deserves something special to be done for him.  Absolutely it’s something a wife or girlfriend should do for him, but as that’s not happening, I can’t let the date pass without doing something.  As the fates would have it though, his ex wife has thrown a wrench in the plans and booked her own trip leaving on his birthday.  Uhm, wtf?  So this means TD has the kids.  And my 3 day weekend away has turned into 1 night, having us return ON his actual birthday.  Shit.  Now what?!

I’ll have you know that although I do this for a living, I have never ever planned a party of my own.  Much less a surprise one.  Much less a surprise party for my non boyfriend.  Who doesn’t have a lot of friends.  And whose friends I have no clue how to get ahold of.  Good times.  So now I’m scrambling to throw together a party for him that I will have all of 2 hours to set up and try to surprise him with upon our return.  Any bets that I fuck it up?  Regardless of his flakey friends most likely not showing.  Regardless of being able to coordinate this all from out of town.  Regardless of trying to make this an actual surprise, I have to invite ‘her’.  Crap.  As it’s not my party though and he apparently likes this unattractive train wreck of a woman, then she needs to be invited.  I have no clue if she’ll show or not.  I also have no clue how I’m going to deal with this.  I won’t have any of my own friends there to support me and honestly, TD’s friends aren’t the ‘warm fuzzy’ type so I’m pretty much screwed.  I just hope I don’t start crying should he hang all over her or god forbid, kiss her in front of me………

I had a blog friend ask me what I hoped/expected from the evening.  I HOPE that TD is surprised.  That he realized that he has some good friends and has a good time.  What I EXPECT, I told her, is the same.  I hope it doesn’t tank.  I hope I don’t freak out.  And honestly, I hope I intimidate the hell out of the closet dwelling lunch lady …….. if she manages to leave her closet long enough to show up.

Well, I must run.  I have dinner plans.  With TD, of course.  You’re welcome for me making you all seem totally sane and rational and ‘together’ when it comes to guys! 😉  I may actually be the definition of a co-dependent idiot …….


What A Sucky Date September 11, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:29 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Funny thing is I was the sucky one!  I was looking forward to meeting the guy from E-Harm that had a really funny sense of humor via text and telephone and had hoped that I’d be attracted to him in person.  We all know what a picky bitch I can be in that regard but honestly, my taste is so all over the place that I never know what I’m going to be attracted to.  Unfortunately it wasn’t this guy.  We’d been exchanging funny texts all day and as he was walking across the parking lot to meet me at the place that he had selected he looked good.  Probably because I’m nearsighted. 😦 As he got closer I could tell that there was going to be an issue.  Or 20.  Damn it.  I just wasn’t attracted to him.  In the least.  As we’d had such good interactions though, I figured I’d give it a chance and hoped that something would click for me.  What I noticed myself doing though, during our conversations I would select a response to his questions that would be in direct opposition to what he liked.  Need clarification?  Here are a few that I remember:

Him:  I’m a huge redsox fan  Me:  That’s baseball, right?

Him:  I love camping  Me:  Uhm, I don’t do that

Him:  I’m very close to my family  Me: I’m not.  Actually, I don’t even like them very much

Get it?  Now while all statements that I made were true, I made them a bit more harsh and unwavering than I could have.  Sure, I don’t watch baseball, but I would be more than happy to with the right guy.  Camping?  No, not my favorite activity, but again with the right person of course I would go!  Family?  Well, there’s really no way to soften that but I sure as hell would have bypassed the question right up front.  All of my negative behaviours and statements were made with the sole intention of having him not be interested in me.  I was boring and negative and I actually kind of started to annoy myself.  I’m good at doing this.  I don’t like to be the one to say ‘no’.  Sometimes I have to.  Tonight; not so much.  I think I was mid statement about how much I hate Olive Garden when he totally interrupted me and said

“sorry, I’m just not feeling this”

WTF?  Yes I wanted him to not be interested but damn if that didn’t actually make me feel like shit to hear.  No, I wasn’t attracted to him.  Yes, I was trying my hardest to make him not like me.  Damn if I’m not upset that he didn’t ‘fight’ for me.  I’m a mess.  How on earth can I not be interested in someone (in the least) yet still get my feelings hurt that he actually said he wasn’t interested.  Oh well.  It is what it is, so at least one of us said it.  Too bad he went on to state ‘gee, you were so funny over text’.  Uhm, yeah dipshit, I turned that part off when I decided that I had no interest in ever kissing you!

What is wrong with a world where guys I’m not even interested in choose to beat me to the punch?  😡


Beware Of Introspective Posts…… July 26, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:12 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

You may want to just skip over this post as it’s a ‘thinking out loud’ kinda thing regarding TD and I.  Hell, it’s my blog after all so I can write what I want.  One of these days I’ll be able to look back on all of this (while living in the old farts home with my 72 cats) and hopefully have learned a thing or two.  Yes, he led me on horribly and we both crossed many lines.  Yes, he has a huge issue taking any accountability for his actions.  Yes, he apparently has some hugely unattainable things that he’s looking for in a partner.  Yes, he is very brutally honest about some things (my shortcomings) while being not so honest about others (TVCW).  I am SO NOT innocent in all of this.  No, I am not defending him in any of this, but I have to be able to take accountability for the part that I played in this mess.  Hell, I’m pretty sure I even created some of this mess.

The thing is this.  He told me we were just friends.  He believed in his head we were just friends.  Friends with ginormous boundary issues, but whatever.  I am the one that didn’t listen.  I am the one that pushed the boundaries lately.  I am the one that held him to standards that a boyfriend should be held to.  Not those that a male-friend should be held to.  It was easy for me to delude myself into thinking we were more than just friends when he wasn’t dating.  Now that he is, uhm, that’s a little bit harder.  And I got jealous.  I don’t know why I would hold him to standards and expectations that I didn’t even meet myself.  I ‘knew’ in my head that we weren’t dating.  I didn’t treat him with the respect and unconditional trust that I would have had we really been dating.  I don’t know why I couldn’t keep the two separate.  I didn’t want to seem like the needy, whiney, annoying ‘friend’ so kept a lot to myself and let it build up until I had some sort of asinine neurotic explosion all over him.  I did this several times.  I mean really, when did I lose the ability to sit down and have a mature, adult discussion with someone.  Why, instead of sitting TD down on Tuesday (or better yet, being able to control myself and not say anything) and explaining how I was feeling and my need for no contact so I could get things straight in my head, did I instead pretty much corner the guy in a parking garage and allow the conversation to get so out of hand that we both ended up in tears with lots of unnecessary theatrics?  That was all my doing.  I didn’t like the answer he gave me to the question I never should have asked so went on the defensive and it was a shitstorm from there.

I don’t think right regarding him.  I know better.  I am actually a fairly rational and intelligent person in real life.  I don’t seem to be with him.  I never put my foot down (because I never felt I had the right to).  I used to tell him everything until I decided I was telling him too much and then that’s when shit started hitting the fan.  If he thinks we’re just friends and I, admittedly, am the one that pushed the boundaries of the whole FWB thing back in February and then again at the lake in July, how can I be upset with him for basically giving him a free pass?  How can I be the one to use him as a ‘faux boyfriend’ (code for FWB) and then accuse him of using me as one?  Sure, he could have said no, but really?  Would any guy?  I know he’s conflicted about me.  He always has been.  I’ve taken advantage of that fact.  I’ve tried to force my own ‘agenda’ on him.  I’ve gotten mad that he wouldn’t step up.  I’ve made him feel guilty for not returning my feelings.  That’s not right and for that, I feel horrible.

I’ve always had an issue with knowing which to believe, words or actions.  I would hope that they would both match, but when they don’t I opt to believe the course that best aligns with what I want.  That’s not reality, that’s me deluding myself and then getting bent out of shape when I read him wrong.  I accused TVCW of being passive aggressive.  Mainly because she was.  I recognized it so easily though because apparently I am too.  I always said I would never do anything to hurt him and I did.  Repeatedly.  To this day, all else aside, I think TD is one of the best people I’ve ever met.  We’re both to blame for all of this.

No, I am not blaming all of this on myself.  No, I am not using any of this as an excuse to convince myself that we should be friends.  No, I am not going to contact him.  His doing or my doing, we don’t work well together these days.  I keep remembering back to last year and the very beginning of this one.  There were some amazing times.  There were mixed signals being thrown out then too, but as soon as I would point them out, he would stop.  And inevitably create different ones, but whatever.  I believed what I wanted to believe…………


Potholes On Memory Lane July 19, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:50 pm
Tags: , , , ,

As I was doing my odd packing, throwing everything away that’s not nailed down thing a couple of weeks ago (which, by the way, did not help to make me feel like I had control over the chaos that is currently my life), I came across my photo albums.  I have tons.  I love pictures.  Not pictures of scenery or stuff, but pictures of people.  People are what I like to document and remember.  Hell, I used to run around during college on an average night out (and by average, I mean every single night of the week) with my camera and tell people that I was on the yearbook committee just so I could get them to do silly things.  It didn’t hurt using my bullshit line on all the hot guys either.  Shhhh, don’t judge.  Needless to say, I have tons of pictures.  Of friends, of strangers, of vacations, of house parties, of bar nights, of whatever the heck was going on.  And believe me, I had a shitload of fun during all of them.  Club Med vacations dating back to when I was 16.  Spring breaks in Mexico.  Family vacations.  Solo vacations.  I have lived a very good life.  I love to travel and have done what I need to in order to be able to do that.   I struggle with money at times (thus the 2nd job), but will always splurge on food, friends and travel.  Oh, and cocktails.

As I looked back at all my pictures, there was a common theme.  I was damn happy.  I was the center of attention.  I was fun and carefree and never afraid to make a complete ass of myself.  I have huge smiles (and teeth) in all my pics.  I got to see pictures of friends that I had long since forgotten.  Of damn cute guys that used to fall all over themselves to get my attention.  Of wonderfully cute and sweet boys that I dated (and inevitably dumped).  None of these vacations or friendships came easily.  I have covered up my inherent shyness by being loud and boisterous.  I have worked damn hard for everything that I have.  I got my 1st job when I was 15, worked my way through college and have pretty much worked every day since then.  Hell, I’m 44 and I now work TWO jobs.  I don’t take anything that I have for granted.  Aside, apparently, from people.  How is it that I could have had a million friends, an overabundance of boyfriends and guy friends, never an empty spot on my calendar, invitations to every party going on and yet still end up alone?  I am a hugely social person.  The funny thing about that is that I’m actually an introvert at heart.  Quite the dichotomy.  Someone who enjoys their alone time, but also feels better when she’s around people.  I refer to myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’.  It’s not always easy for me to walk into new situations and not be a nervous wreck or want to hide in the corner (thus the cocktails).  I used to be able to hide this fact fairly easily and no one was the wiser.  At heart, I am not a ‘joiner’.  I will not walk into a group that I don’t know and join in.  I won’t join clubs or social groups.  I never had to.  I was always able to make friends and people would want to just join us in whatever we were doing.  I never had to search for something to do.  Until now.

If nothing else, my whole year long whatever it was with TD showed me that I’m happiest when being around, and taking care of, other people.  I’m a nurturer by nature.  Okay fine, call me a ‘fixer’ but apparently I am a ‘fixer upper’ myself.  When the hell did that happen?  When did everything, including me, change?  Oh, that’s right, I’m now old.  And bitter.  And apparently kinda insecure.  So why are you all so unlucky enough to get to read this stupid piece of introspective bullshit?  Well that would be because my birthday is less than a month away.  Yup, another year older and another year where my birthday wish from the previous year didn’t get granted.  I’m not greedy.  I don’t wish for a million dollars or a big house or a fancy car.  All I wish for, every year, is that I won’t be alone for my next birthday.  And I always am.  Yes, I know, I have friends, acquaintances, a totally screwed up family, my dogs and others around me, but that’s not what I mean.  I get tired of being single.  I get tired of having to do it all myself.  I want just one birthday where there is an amazing guy who is excited to spend the day with me.  And damn if that never happens.  At least not in a very long time……… dumb fuckers 😉


So This Is What It Feels Like To Be On American Idol…… June 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:08 pm
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By the sheer volume of people lined up, at first I thought the circus was in town.  Alas it was just everyone waiting their turn to let me know, some in greater detail than others, what an idiot I am.  I really could have saved everyone the effort.  I know.  Hi, my name is GG and I am the world’s biggest dumbass.  Happy now?  I guess until you’re actually in someone else’s shoes, you never really know.  I’m a very strong and independent person.  I am somewhat confident in my looks, personality and intelligence.  I am also fairly confident that none of the aforementioned come into play when your heart is involved.  Did I really think TD would choose me in the end?  You bet.  Did I put up with far more than anyone ever should?  You bet.  Do I regret most of this year?  You bet.  Who knew I was a hopeless romantic.  Or glutton for punishment.  I think the 2 might be interchangeable.  I thought I had the friendship thing down.  I thought I would be okay with that.  For now.  Yes, TD led me on horribly last year and right up through February.  Since then, though, he’s been nothing but honest with me.  I am the one that chose not to listen.  While I will still never be able to think anything other than the best regarding him, this past week has brought out a side of him that I not only dislike, but that I’m unfamiliar with.  For that I guess I should thank The Vacation Crashing Photography Whore.  Nice name, huh?  This woman who thought it was okay to show up on TD’s vacation, lie to his kids and integrate herself into their lives after ONE date brought out a side in TD that I am hugely disappointed in.  He could have put a stop to it all.  He didn’t.  He could have NOT invited her to join them in so many activities.  He didn’t.  He chose to put her feelings ahead of mine and those of his kids.  That’s not acceptable to me.  Nope, he doesn’t owe me anything, but hell if I’m going to let someone lie to me.  I do that enough to myself.

So here’s where we stand.  I AM going to the lake to stay with them (shut up).  I deserve a vacation.  I have never had a bad time with he and his kids and this trip will be no different.  We will sleep in different rooms.  There will be no crossing of lines or boundaries.  There hasn’t been since February anyway, so no biggie.  I will lock away every memory that I can from this coming week because at the end of it, well, is the end of it.  This time is different from all the others that I’ve said I’m going to cut off all ties with him.  In the past I did it because I felt I needed too.  While I still feel that way, there is the addition of now wanting to.  I do not like this deceptive side of TD that came out last week.  It’s disappointing and makes me question so many things that I thought I knew about him.

I know he feels awful.  Too bad.  I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me.  Too bad, he has and continues to do so.  I am the one at fault for putting up with it for so long.  This whole time I thought he was trying to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.  Guess what?  I was doing the same thing.  We’re both wrong for that.  As hard as it will be, when we get back to town, we will be done.  For good.  I’ve cried more this week and this year than I ever thought possible.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m getting dehydrated and I’m tired of being unhappy.  No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow so although yes, he’s at fault, I’m the one to blame for allowing it to go on for so long.  The fact that he could choose to risk his heart with someone like that sort of confirms that he would never have chosen me.  I would never in a million years do the things that this woman has done.  And he seems to be okay with it.  He sees all the bad decisions that he made last week, but doesn’t find much fault with her lying and deceit.  Wow.  We couldn’t be more different.  Want to know how I know she lied about everything?  Poor gullible TD told me that her trip ‘grew’ from 4 days to 8 due to a promotion the lodge was having.  Uhm, excuse me, but why would a resort lodge, on the water, during summer have a promotion that says if you book off days (sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday), we’ll give you our busy high rate days for free (thursday, friday, saturday)?  They wouldn’t.  I was in the hotel business for years and that shit just doesn’t happen.  I hate liars.

Then again, I’ve been the biggest liar of all.  To myself.  I’m really not as dumb as I appear.  No, really.  I clearly saw the writing on the wall.  I just chose not to acknowledge it.  For those of you judging me for going to spend one last week there with a family that I love instead of just ending things now………kindly shut up.  I deserve a vacation.  On a lake.  With people who I know I like spending time with.  Besides, I want to be able to spend time with the kids and be able to give them a proper goodbye instead of just up and disappearing like I did those times (yes, plural) before.  This is another reason why I know this good-bye will ‘stick’.  I would never lie to his kids or play with their emotions.  Once I say goodbye to them and let them know how amazing they are and how sorry I am and how much I’ll miss them, it will be real.  And permanent. 😦


It’s Like Riding A Bike ……….. In Circles June 16, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:01 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Dating is like riding a bike, right?  No, dammit, not that kind of bike ride.  Although I certainly could use one of those.  Or 12.  Damn, I miss college. 😉  As I sit at happy hour waiting for a new friend to meet me (female…..boo), I look around and feel not only old, frumpy, fat and amazonishly tall (although I don’t think I’m really any of the aforementioned), I wonder how much harder it can be to meet a good guy.  Not just any good guy, mind you; a good guy FOR ME.  They seem to be a rarity in this town.  Yeah, I know, so what’s so special about me, right?  Besides being tall, blonde, not entirely hideous to look at, I’m responsible, own my own business, am reasonably happy and funny and kind of neurotic and spastic.  Those last 2 are just bonuses. 🙂

I’ve been in love exactly 3 times in my life.  And only one was based on entirely realistic expectations.  And it took me 43 years to meet him.  And exactly 5 days for him to decide that although yes, he loves me, it’s just not in that way.  😦  As of 4:59pm on Friday night, I’m still not over it.  And I have the bad attitude and hidden online dating profile to prove it.  Thing is, I still don’t believe him.  I still think that at some point in time he’s going to remove his head from his handsome ass and realize that I’m his one.  Even as I write this I know several of you are contemplating throwing your computers out the window and possibly calling me a litany of names that rhyme with fucking idiot.  I know.  Believe me, I know.  If I listened to anyone else in the world whine like I do about TD, I’d wonder what sort of medication they needed to be on as it’s written, clear as day.  He doesn’t want me.  How can I fully acknowledge that fact yet still not believe it?

As will come as a shock to absolutely no one, I have NOT stuck to my guns and cut off all contact with TD.  I tried.  And failed.  Again.  I think I lasted close to 3 weeks this time.  Yey me.  While there has been much less contact (physical and otherwise) this time around and absolutely NO inappropriate behaviour, I almost had myself convinced that I could do this friendship thing.  Yup, for a smart gal I’m a bit of a moron.  Way before our last ‘breakup’ (what are we up to now, 4?) he had invited me to visit him at his summer house at a wonderfully beautiful place on a lake.  Needing a vacation not to mention a vacation on the water AND pretty much all expenses paid aside from the plane ticket, I agreed.  And bought my ticket.  And then waffled back and forth about whether to actually go or not.  That was several months ago.  I am supposed to go on Friday.  For a week.  With he and his kids and a couple of the kids’ friends.  As I’m deluded as hell and thought this awesome ‘friendship thing’ was working (I only went nuts one time when I knew he was out with someone, aren’t you proud of me), I figured why not?

So they’ve been up there for a week and a half already.  With my suitcase as TD is so ridiculously nice that he didn’t want me to have to bother with luggage as I run to catch my flight on Friday.  As they were driving, they may as well just take it with them when they left; so they did.  The kids are awesome about posting pics on the facebook (the root of all evil) and it looks like they’re having a great time.  I wish I was there with them.  Each day I look at the pictures and wish I was in them.  I miss them more than I expected to and more than I wished I did.  I love looking at the pictures though.  Oh wait, who is that blonde on the boat with TD and his son on Sunday?  Certainly not me!  I asked him who it was, although I had no right to, and he told me that it was some lady from where we live that’s a photographer and whom he met on the beach and she wanted to take some pictures so they invited her on the boat.  Hmmmmm.  Then I see pictures from Wednesday of all of them on the beach having a bbq and who is off to the side?  Same blonde.  I look closer at the picture and realize that I sort of recognize her.  Not from knowing her personally, but from TD’s less than impressive list of friends on FB!  I go back thru the pics and see her in ones from every day last week.  Every. Single. Day.  Well gee now, that doesn’t make much sense, does it?  Of course I questioned him on it again and he finally came clean.  It was some lady that he had gone on ONE date with off of match the day before he left town.  Uhm, well what the hell is she doing on your family vacation then, right?  He swears up and down that he didn’t invite her, yet he had told her where he’d be and she conveniently had that week for vacation and booked a room at the lodge on the same property as his townhouse.  How convenient.  And stalker-ish.  I mean really, while I’m certain he didn’t discourage her from coming up there, who the hell follows after some guy that they went on one date with?  And while I know some of you are saying it must have been more than one date, it really wasn’t.  Well now it certainly has been.  Now they’re up to about 7.  TD and I have been going back and forth for 2 days about this.  About his lying (he did).  About how it doesn’t protect my feelings to be lied to (it doesn’t).  About why the hell some new lady is already interacting with his kids (she is).  About how I really have NO reason to be upset (i don’t).  How I have every reason to have my feelings hurt (i do).  About how he had no idea that pictures were being taken that showed her (doesn’t matter).  How it would make it awkward as hell for me to come up there now (it will).  How I feel a bit ambushed by seeing the pictures before he could/would tell me (i do).   About why the hell I’m still upset (duh).  He should be able to do whatever he wants, right?  Right.

Damn, I guess this friendship thing isn’t all I want.  I guess I am still holding out hope.  I guess I can’t handle having him in my life in any capacity and be able to get over him.  He’s been incredibly sweet about it and feels like a big piece of shit (he should) but says things kind of snowballed.  No, he didn’t invite her up there but he didn’t dissuade her either.  How she was only supposed to be up there for 3-4 days and it magically turned into 7 (she told him some bullshit story about how if she booked 4 days, she got 3 free? Yeah, right).  How if it really bothered him, why the hell did he keep inviting her to do things with them?  He doesn’t have answers for any of these things.  He’s really just that clueless.  He is at the point now in dating (after a whopping 4 months) that he feels after running away from 3 women now whom he probably could have at least tried a relationship with, that he need to force himself to try to not run.  Uhm, I’m thinking he needs to run from this one.  I’m not thinking that someone who shows up on your vacation after one date is the right choice, but since I don’t think anyone would be the right choice (aside from me, of course), I have no right to say anything other than to point out the glaring red flags in ALL of this.

Anyway, there is more to say, but as I was boring the heck out of my new friend last night with this ridiculous story, the topic of my blog came up.  And I told her that I hadn’t been posting much as I was tired of being judged and being thought of as an idiot (no need to do that people, I do it plenty myself).  To be perfectly honest, I am embarrassed that I’m back here again.  That’s kinda stupid though.  This is my blog and it’s a journal of my life.  To look back on some day (with a huge cocktail) and shake my head in wonder at how the hell I ended up the way I am.  I haven’t been posting much because I felt bad about lying.  Not only to the both of you those of you that still bother to check in on me, but to myself.  So there, I’ve written it.  For both of you  all the world to see.  I’m a moron.  And yes, stay tuned to see if I actually go for my free vacation and at what point in time I break up with him again.  For good.  Shall we start a pool and take bets?

Oh, and just for the record ………. I’m taller, blonder, younger and prettier than ‘she’ is.  And as nuts as I am sometimes, there’s no way in hell I’d show up on some guys family vacation after just one date.  I’m not that crazy. 😉


Prequel To The Weekend April 25, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:29 am
Tags: , , , , ,

*This is from Thursday when shit started to hit the fan.  If anyone comes across my self respect, I would appreciate you returning it to me.*

I’m keeping this private as I’ve pretty much been lying to everyone (including myself) about TD.  I used to be a strong woman.  Not take any shit from anyone.  I don’t care how nice a guy was to me, if he was always about himself, then he was out.  No looking back.  I can’t and don’t do that with TD.  And it kinda came to a head today.  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone.  I am recognizing the same pattern of lag time in answering texts, disinterest in things, and pretty much just not caring.  Plus he hasn’t updated his profile online in 3 days.  And I know he was out both Monday night and Tuesday night.  Yeah, I know, I suck.  We’ve been hanging out again.  He called me a crutch last week though.  You know, one of those temporary things that you keep around for a while, but then get rid of when you don’t need it anymore.  That sucked.  Of course I didn’t tell him.  Anyway, I’ve had a shit week.  And a shit day.  I screwed up a luncheon today.  I’ve never done that before.  I texted to tell TD and he replied about 40 minutes later.  I replied back letting him know how upset I was and then nothing.  No reply.  In my awesome passive aggressive fashion, I sent back, 2 hours later, ‘gee thanks TD, I pretty much drop everything to check in with you and make sure you’re okay when i know you’re upset.  thanks so much for the stellar effort’.  To which he responds ‘i can’t believe you said that to me, you have NO idea what’s been going on over here’.  Of course, now i feel like shit and get worried about what’s going on so i call.  Like the loser that I am.  Nothing was going on over there.  NO clue why he wrote that.  Dumbass.  He then throws in ‘sorry i didn’t respond as fast as you’d want me to, but I thought you were still there and I didn’t want to bother you’.  Uhm, it was 4 pm for shits sake!  He then tells me that he’s not sure if he should be mad or sad by what I said.  Effectively turning the attention back him and his feelings.  guess what?  I love him dearly.  I really do.  He cares about me and I know it.  Everything is always on his terms though and according to his agenda and I allow it to happen.  I spent the remainder of the conversation apologizing to him.  Like and idiot.  He brought up how he needs to work on his male friendships.  How all his female friendships have gotten him in trouble in the past.  Pretty much everything he’s brought up a million times before and things that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

I know I need to put my foot down.  I really do.  I just don’t think i can do it.  And it makes me sad.  Not at the prospect of losing him, mind you, but at the prospect of losing myself.   Which I’ve already done.  Here’s the thing.  I AM his crutch.  He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  He gets to date around and still keep me for backup.  Guess what?  He’s my crutch too and I’m not sure I can throw him away.  I was doing great.  I really was.  I was playing the game and even buying into all my stories of dating and having a gay old time without him.  Today i fell apart and i can’t allow this to keep happening.  I just can’t.  Today is the day that I needed him to be all about me.  To check in on me and make sure I was okay.  The fact that he was ‘going to’ just ‘hadn’t yet’ isn’t good enough.  I’m always afraid of hurting his feelings or making him angry.  That’s bullshit.  Today he pissed me off and I have a right to mad.

He says he is starting ’embrace being single’.  If by ‘being single’ he means ‘being more selfish than ever’, then I think he’s right.  I am absolutely the definition of insanity. 😦

(insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome)


Where Is Gene Rayburn When You Need Him? April 24, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:44 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Remember (those of you old enough) that awesome show ‘The Match Game’?  Well he was the host.  Match.com plays their own version.  In a totally perverted and ‘fuck you’ sorta way, but still.  Those unfamiliar with Match.com may not know that they send you anywhere from 4-8 ‘daily matches’ that you need to log in to view and then you rate them a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’.  If you’re all excited about one of them, you can even send them a note.  Whoopee!  Most of mine are ‘no’ or ‘maybe’.  Yey.  You can read their profiles without them knowing (’cause really, who wants to know who they’re being rejected by).  I have no real clue how they choose who is ‘my match’ because although I have read and fully understand the oh so complicated algorithms that they use to select these winners for me, if they really went by who I’ve exchanged the most messages with, they’d be sending me this lovely person’s profile each week. 😉

Anywhoo, I think I promised you all some stories from the weekend and my sailing lessons with TD.  All day Saturday and all day Sunday.  Followed by a wicked argument Saturday night, acting like nothing was wrong on Sunday and a great time sailing and going out to dinner afterwards on Sunday night.  I won’t go into specifics but it was a fairly passive aggressive weekend all the way around.  I pushed buttons (on purpose).  He pushed buttons.  He yelled.  I cried.  His son heard us.  😦 TD and I have never fought before.  We really have nothing to fight about.  Oh, aside from the fact that I’m kind of still in love with him and he’s in love with dating everyone in town.  Okay, not really, but the fact that he is dating says, well screams really, that I’m not the one and never will be.  As a matter of fact, as I will never be able to do it on my own apparently, mid fight I asked him to tell me to fuck off.  That I would never be the one for him.  That he needed to send me away and not look back because I apparently haven’t been able to totally do that yet.  And he wouldn’t.  He said he couldn’t.  That although he knows how selfish it is, that I’m just too important in his life.  I hate him more than a little bit for that.  It was an ugly weekend.  Alcohol induced, of course, but I saw a side of him that I really didn’t like.  He was mean.  On purpose.  Then again, I was being an uber bitch.  Yes, on purpose.

I asked him about his dating in an attempt to disgust myself enough to storm out.  He told me.  He’s dated about 5-6 women in the past 2 months.  I asked if he’s slept with any of them (yes, feel free to unsubscribe to my blog at any time now).  He told me no, but that he’d ‘come close’ with one.  One that he went out with 4 times.  And they ‘almost’ had sex on date #3.  I asked him what stopped them (hoping, like a ginormous moron to hear the words ‘I just couldn’t do that to you’) and he told me it was a matter of logistics.  Uhm, what the fuck does that mean?  Apparently they were in a car.  Yup, just like 2 horny teenagers.  Dumbass.  I laughed in his face and that set him off.  Good.  I know, before anyone tells me, that there is no way in hell that he’d be able to feel whatever feelings he had for this other person and ‘almost’ sleep with her if he was invested in me in the least.  I’m well aware, thank you.  In the end though, they went out one more time after that and then he ran away.  Afraid, once again, to be in a relationship.

Does it make me feel better that it’s apparently not just me that he doesn’t want to date?  Nope.  It doesn’t.  I feel bad for these women but hope they are smarter than I am and run away (far away) before they get further invested in him.  So he dated this one woman 4 times and another woman 3 times.  Nice.  I’ve dated no one.  Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to date someone, it’s just that no one has asked.  Well, no one that I would even remotely consider as they are blatantly wrong for me; even as just a diversion.  There is nothing I would love more than to meet a man who makes me go ‘TD who?’.  I’m still looking, but apparently he’s hiding……

Anyway, after 3 days full of drama and tears (on both our parts) and just sort of letting things go once we sobered up, we are back to being what we were before.  Which is some sort of dysfunctional friendship.  No, we don’t see each other nearly as much as we used to nor do we even communicate a fraction as much.  For the record, I have NOT fooled around with him or slept with him in months and don’t allow him to even touch me.  I just haven’t actually told him to fuck off again.  Yet.  But I’m getting there.  He doesn’t deserve me.  It’s not his fault that I’m not his ‘one’.  It’s my fault for not fully acknowledging what his selfishness in keeping me as a friend is actually doing to my psyche.  I am disengaging again, but haven’t fully yet.  I really don’t want to end up hating him (or having him hate me), but it’s looking like that’s the only way I’m going to be able to do this.

Oh, so back to the title of this post.  Guess who Match sent me as one of my daily matches today?  No really, go ahead and guess………

You didn’t really want to hear about the actual sailing part, did you? 😉