The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Potholes On Memory Lane July 19, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:50 pm
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As I was doing my odd packing, throwing everything away that’s not nailed down thing a couple of weeks ago (which, by the way, did not help to make me feel like I had control over the chaos that is currently my life), I came across my photo albums.  I have tons.  I love pictures.  Not pictures of scenery or stuff, but pictures of people.  People are what I like to document and remember.  Hell, I used to run around during college on an average night out (and by average, I mean every single night of the week) with my camera and tell people that I was on the yearbook committee just so I could get them to do silly things.  It didn’t hurt using my bullshit line on all the hot guys either.  Shhhh, don’t judge.  Needless to say, I have tons of pictures.  Of friends, of strangers, of vacations, of house parties, of bar nights, of whatever the heck was going on.  And believe me, I had a shitload of fun during all of them.  Club Med vacations dating back to when I was 16.  Spring breaks in Mexico.  Family vacations.  Solo vacations.  I have lived a very good life.  I love to travel and have done what I need to in order to be able to do that.   I struggle with money at times (thus the 2nd job), but will always splurge on food, friends and travel.  Oh, and cocktails.

As I looked back at all my pictures, there was a common theme.  I was damn happy.  I was the center of attention.  I was fun and carefree and never afraid to make a complete ass of myself.  I have huge smiles (and teeth) in all my pics.  I got to see pictures of friends that I had long since forgotten.  Of damn cute guys that used to fall all over themselves to get my attention.  Of wonderfully cute and sweet boys that I dated (and inevitably dumped).  None of these vacations or friendships came easily.  I have covered up my inherent shyness by being loud and boisterous.  I have worked damn hard for everything that I have.  I got my 1st job when I was 15, worked my way through college and have pretty much worked every day since then.  Hell, I’m 44 and I now work TWO jobs.  I don’t take anything that I have for granted.  Aside, apparently, from people.  How is it that I could have had a million friends, an overabundance of boyfriends and guy friends, never an empty spot on my calendar, invitations to every party going on and yet still end up alone?  I am a hugely social person.  The funny thing about that is that I’m actually an introvert at heart.  Quite the dichotomy.  Someone who enjoys their alone time, but also feels better when she’s around people.  I refer to myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’.  It’s not always easy for me to walk into new situations and not be a nervous wreck or want to hide in the corner (thus the cocktails).  I used to be able to hide this fact fairly easily and no one was the wiser.  At heart, I am not a ‘joiner’.  I will not walk into a group that I don’t know and join in.  I won’t join clubs or social groups.  I never had to.  I was always able to make friends and people would want to just join us in whatever we were doing.  I never had to search for something to do.  Until now.

If nothing else, my whole year long whatever it was with TD showed me that I’m happiest when being around, and taking care of, other people.  I’m a nurturer by nature.  Okay fine, call me a ‘fixer’ but apparently I am a ‘fixer upper’ myself.  When the hell did that happen?  When did everything, including me, change?  Oh, that’s right, I’m now old.  And bitter.  And apparently kinda insecure.  So why are you all so unlucky enough to get to read this stupid piece of introspective bullshit?  Well that would be because my birthday is less than a month away.  Yup, another year older and another year where my birthday wish from the previous year didn’t get granted.  I’m not greedy.  I don’t wish for a million dollars or a big house or a fancy car.  All I wish for, every year, is that I won’t be alone for my next birthday.  And I always am.  Yes, I know, I have friends, acquaintances, a totally screwed up family, my dogs and others around me, but that’s not what I mean.  I get tired of being single.  I get tired of having to do it all myself.  I want just one birthday where there is an amazing guy who is excited to spend the day with me.  And damn if that never happens.  At least not in a very long time……… dumb fuckers 😉

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So This Is What It Feels Like To Be On American Idol…… June 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:08 pm
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By the sheer volume of people lined up, at first I thought the circus was in town.  Alas it was just everyone waiting their turn to let me know, some in greater detail than others, what an idiot I am.  I really could have saved everyone the effort.  I know.  Hi, my name is GG and I am the world’s biggest dumbass.  Happy now?  I guess until you’re actually in someone else’s shoes, you never really know.  I’m a very strong and independent person.  I am somewhat confident in my looks, personality and intelligence.  I am also fairly confident that none of the aforementioned come into play when your heart is involved.  Did I really think TD would choose me in the end?  You bet.  Did I put up with far more than anyone ever should?  You bet.  Do I regret most of this year?  You bet.  Who knew I was a hopeless romantic.  Or glutton for punishment.  I think the 2 might be interchangeable.  I thought I had the friendship thing down.  I thought I would be okay with that.  For now.  Yes, TD led me on horribly last year and right up through February.  Since then, though, he’s been nothing but honest with me.  I am the one that chose not to listen.  While I will still never be able to think anything other than the best regarding him, this past week has brought out a side of him that I not only dislike, but that I’m unfamiliar with.  For that I guess I should thank The Vacation Crashing Photography Whore.  Nice name, huh?  This woman who thought it was okay to show up on TD’s vacation, lie to his kids and integrate herself into their lives after ONE date brought out a side in TD that I am hugely disappointed in.  He could have put a stop to it all.  He didn’t.  He could have NOT invited her to join them in so many activities.  He didn’t.  He chose to put her feelings ahead of mine and those of his kids.  That’s not acceptable to me.  Nope, he doesn’t owe me anything, but hell if I’m going to let someone lie to me.  I do that enough to myself.

So here’s where we stand.  I AM going to the lake to stay with them (shut up).  I deserve a vacation.  I have never had a bad time with he and his kids and this trip will be no different.  We will sleep in different rooms.  There will be no crossing of lines or boundaries.  There hasn’t been since February anyway, so no biggie.  I will lock away every memory that I can from this coming week because at the end of it, well, is the end of it.  This time is different from all the others that I’ve said I’m going to cut off all ties with him.  In the past I did it because I felt I needed too.  While I still feel that way, there is the addition of now wanting to.  I do not like this deceptive side of TD that came out last week.  It’s disappointing and makes me question so many things that I thought I knew about him.

I know he feels awful.  Too bad.  I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me.  Too bad, he has and continues to do so.  I am the one at fault for putting up with it for so long.  This whole time I thought he was trying to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.  Guess what?  I was doing the same thing.  We’re both wrong for that.  As hard as it will be, when we get back to town, we will be done.  For good.  I’ve cried more this week and this year than I ever thought possible.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m getting dehydrated and I’m tired of being unhappy.  No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow so although yes, he’s at fault, I’m the one to blame for allowing it to go on for so long.  The fact that he could choose to risk his heart with someone like that sort of confirms that he would never have chosen me.  I would never in a million years do the things that this woman has done.  And he seems to be okay with it.  He sees all the bad decisions that he made last week, but doesn’t find much fault with her lying and deceit.  Wow.  We couldn’t be more different.  Want to know how I know she lied about everything?  Poor gullible TD told me that her trip ‘grew’ from 4 days to 8 due to a promotion the lodge was having.  Uhm, excuse me, but why would a resort lodge, on the water, during summer have a promotion that says if you book off days (sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday), we’ll give you our busy high rate days for free (thursday, friday, saturday)?  They wouldn’t.  I was in the hotel business for years and that shit just doesn’t happen.  I hate liars.

Then again, I’ve been the biggest liar of all.  To myself.  I’m really not as dumb as I appear.  No, really.  I clearly saw the writing on the wall.  I just chose not to acknowledge it.  For those of you judging me for going to spend one last week there with a family that I love instead of just ending things now………kindly shut up.  I deserve a vacation.  On a lake.  With people who I know I like spending time with.  Besides, I want to be able to spend time with the kids and be able to give them a proper goodbye instead of just up and disappearing like I did those times (yes, plural) before.  This is another reason why I know this good-bye will ‘stick’.  I would never lie to his kids or play with their emotions.  Once I say goodbye to them and let them know how amazing they are and how sorry I am and how much I’ll miss them, it will be real.  And permanent. 😦

 

It’s Like Riding A Bike ……….. In Circles June 16, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:01 pm
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Dating is like riding a bike, right?  No, dammit, not that kind of bike ride.  Although I certainly could use one of those.  Or 12.  Damn, I miss college. 😉  As I sit at happy hour waiting for a new friend to meet me (female…..boo), I look around and feel not only old, frumpy, fat and amazonishly tall (although I don’t think I’m really any of the aforementioned), I wonder how much harder it can be to meet a good guy.  Not just any good guy, mind you; a good guy FOR ME.  They seem to be a rarity in this town.  Yeah, I know, so what’s so special about me, right?  Besides being tall, blonde, not entirely hideous to look at, I’m responsible, own my own business, am reasonably happy and funny and kind of neurotic and spastic.  Those last 2 are just bonuses. 🙂

I’ve been in love exactly 3 times in my life.  And only one was based on entirely realistic expectations.  And it took me 43 years to meet him.  And exactly 5 days for him to decide that although yes, he loves me, it’s just not in that way.  😦  As of 4:59pm on Friday night, I’m still not over it.  And I have the bad attitude and hidden online dating profile to prove it.  Thing is, I still don’t believe him.  I still think that at some point in time he’s going to remove his head from his handsome ass and realize that I’m his one.  Even as I write this I know several of you are contemplating throwing your computers out the window and possibly calling me a litany of names that rhyme with fucking idiot.  I know.  Believe me, I know.  If I listened to anyone else in the world whine like I do about TD, I’d wonder what sort of medication they needed to be on as it’s written, clear as day.  He doesn’t want me.  How can I fully acknowledge that fact yet still not believe it?

As will come as a shock to absolutely no one, I have NOT stuck to my guns and cut off all contact with TD.  I tried.  And failed.  Again.  I think I lasted close to 3 weeks this time.  Yey me.  While there has been much less contact (physical and otherwise) this time around and absolutely NO inappropriate behaviour, I almost had myself convinced that I could do this friendship thing.  Yup, for a smart gal I’m a bit of a moron.  Way before our last ‘breakup’ (what are we up to now, 4?) he had invited me to visit him at his summer house at a wonderfully beautiful place on a lake.  Needing a vacation not to mention a vacation on the water AND pretty much all expenses paid aside from the plane ticket, I agreed.  And bought my ticket.  And then waffled back and forth about whether to actually go or not.  That was several months ago.  I am supposed to go on Friday.  For a week.  With he and his kids and a couple of the kids’ friends.  As I’m deluded as hell and thought this awesome ‘friendship thing’ was working (I only went nuts one time when I knew he was out with someone, aren’t you proud of me), I figured why not?

So they’ve been up there for a week and a half already.  With my suitcase as TD is so ridiculously nice that he didn’t want me to have to bother with luggage as I run to catch my flight on Friday.  As they were driving, they may as well just take it with them when they left; so they did.  The kids are awesome about posting pics on the facebook (the root of all evil) and it looks like they’re having a great time.  I wish I was there with them.  Each day I look at the pictures and wish I was in them.  I miss them more than I expected to and more than I wished I did.  I love looking at the pictures though.  Oh wait, who is that blonde on the boat with TD and his son on Sunday?  Certainly not me!  I asked him who it was, although I had no right to, and he told me that it was some lady from where we live that’s a photographer and whom he met on the beach and she wanted to take some pictures so they invited her on the boat.  Hmmmmm.  Then I see pictures from Wednesday of all of them on the beach having a bbq and who is off to the side?  Same blonde.  I look closer at the picture and realize that I sort of recognize her.  Not from knowing her personally, but from TD’s less than impressive list of friends on FB!  I go back thru the pics and see her in ones from every day last week.  Every. Single. Day.  Well gee now, that doesn’t make much sense, does it?  Of course I questioned him on it again and he finally came clean.  It was some lady that he had gone on ONE date with off of match the day before he left town.  Uhm, well what the hell is she doing on your family vacation then, right?  He swears up and down that he didn’t invite her, yet he had told her where he’d be and she conveniently had that week for vacation and booked a room at the lodge on the same property as his townhouse.  How convenient.  And stalker-ish.  I mean really, while I’m certain he didn’t discourage her from coming up there, who the hell follows after some guy that they went on one date with?  And while I know some of you are saying it must have been more than one date, it really wasn’t.  Well now it certainly has been.  Now they’re up to about 7.  TD and I have been going back and forth for 2 days about this.  About his lying (he did).  About how it doesn’t protect my feelings to be lied to (it doesn’t).  About why the hell some new lady is already interacting with his kids (she is).  About how I really have NO reason to be upset (i don’t).  How I have every reason to have my feelings hurt (i do).  About how he had no idea that pictures were being taken that showed her (doesn’t matter).  How it would make it awkward as hell for me to come up there now (it will).  How I feel a bit ambushed by seeing the pictures before he could/would tell me (i do).   About why the hell I’m still upset (duh).  He should be able to do whatever he wants, right?  Right.

Damn, I guess this friendship thing isn’t all I want.  I guess I am still holding out hope.  I guess I can’t handle having him in my life in any capacity and be able to get over him.  He’s been incredibly sweet about it and feels like a big piece of shit (he should) but says things kind of snowballed.  No, he didn’t invite her up there but he didn’t dissuade her either.  How she was only supposed to be up there for 3-4 days and it magically turned into 7 (she told him some bullshit story about how if she booked 4 days, she got 3 free? Yeah, right).  How if it really bothered him, why the hell did he keep inviting her to do things with them?  He doesn’t have answers for any of these things.  He’s really just that clueless.  He is at the point now in dating (after a whopping 4 months) that he feels after running away from 3 women now whom he probably could have at least tried a relationship with, that he need to force himself to try to not run.  Uhm, I’m thinking he needs to run from this one.  I’m not thinking that someone who shows up on your vacation after one date is the right choice, but since I don’t think anyone would be the right choice (aside from me, of course), I have no right to say anything other than to point out the glaring red flags in ALL of this.

Anyway, there is more to say, but as I was boring the heck out of my new friend last night with this ridiculous story, the topic of my blog came up.  And I told her that I hadn’t been posting much as I was tired of being judged and being thought of as an idiot (no need to do that people, I do it plenty myself).  To be perfectly honest, I am embarrassed that I’m back here again.  That’s kinda stupid though.  This is my blog and it’s a journal of my life.  To look back on some day (with a huge cocktail) and shake my head in wonder at how the hell I ended up the way I am.  I haven’t been posting much because I felt bad about lying.  Not only to the both of you those of you that still bother to check in on me, but to myself.  So there, I’ve written it.  For both of you  all the world to see.  I’m a moron.  And yes, stay tuned to see if I actually go for my free vacation and at what point in time I break up with him again.  For good.  Shall we start a pool and take bets?

Oh, and just for the record ………. I’m taller, blonder, younger and prettier than ‘she’ is.  And as nuts as I am sometimes, there’s no way in hell I’d show up on some guys family vacation after just one date.  I’m not that crazy. 😉

 

Prequel To The Weekend April 25, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:29 am
Tags: , , , , ,

*This is from Thursday when shit started to hit the fan.  If anyone comes across my self respect, I would appreciate you returning it to me.*

I’m keeping this private as I’ve pretty much been lying to everyone (including myself) about TD.  I used to be a strong woman.  Not take any shit from anyone.  I don’t care how nice a guy was to me, if he was always about himself, then he was out.  No looking back.  I can’t and don’t do that with TD.  And it kinda came to a head today.  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone.  I am recognizing the same pattern of lag time in answering texts, disinterest in things, and pretty much just not caring.  Plus he hasn’t updated his profile online in 3 days.  And I know he was out both Monday night and Tuesday night.  Yeah, I know, I suck.  We’ve been hanging out again.  He called me a crutch last week though.  You know, one of those temporary things that you keep around for a while, but then get rid of when you don’t need it anymore.  That sucked.  Of course I didn’t tell him.  Anyway, I’ve had a shit week.  And a shit day.  I screwed up a luncheon today.  I’ve never done that before.  I texted to tell TD and he replied about 40 minutes later.  I replied back letting him know how upset I was and then nothing.  No reply.  In my awesome passive aggressive fashion, I sent back, 2 hours later, ‘gee thanks TD, I pretty much drop everything to check in with you and make sure you’re okay when i know you’re upset.  thanks so much for the stellar effort’.  To which he responds ‘i can’t believe you said that to me, you have NO idea what’s been going on over here’.  Of course, now i feel like shit and get worried about what’s going on so i call.  Like the loser that I am.  Nothing was going on over there.  NO clue why he wrote that.  Dumbass.  He then throws in ‘sorry i didn’t respond as fast as you’d want me to, but I thought you were still there and I didn’t want to bother you’.  Uhm, it was 4 pm for shits sake!  He then tells me that he’s not sure if he should be mad or sad by what I said.  Effectively turning the attention back him and his feelings.  guess what?  I love him dearly.  I really do.  He cares about me and I know it.  Everything is always on his terms though and according to his agenda and I allow it to happen.  I spent the remainder of the conversation apologizing to him.  Like and idiot.  He brought up how he needs to work on his male friendships.  How all his female friendships have gotten him in trouble in the past.  Pretty much everything he’s brought up a million times before and things that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

I know I need to put my foot down.  I really do.  I just don’t think i can do it.  And it makes me sad.  Not at the prospect of losing him, mind you, but at the prospect of losing myself.   Which I’ve already done.  Here’s the thing.  I AM his crutch.  He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  He gets to date around and still keep me for backup.  Guess what?  He’s my crutch too and I’m not sure I can throw him away.  I was doing great.  I really was.  I was playing the game and even buying into all my stories of dating and having a gay old time without him.  Today i fell apart and i can’t allow this to keep happening.  I just can’t.  Today is the day that I needed him to be all about me.  To check in on me and make sure I was okay.  The fact that he was ‘going to’ just ‘hadn’t yet’ isn’t good enough.  I’m always afraid of hurting his feelings or making him angry.  That’s bullshit.  Today he pissed me off and I have a right to mad.

He says he is starting ’embrace being single’.  If by ‘being single’ he means ‘being more selfish than ever’, then I think he’s right.  I am absolutely the definition of insanity. 😦

(insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome)

 

Where Is Gene Rayburn When You Need Him? April 24, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:44 pm
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Remember (those of you old enough) that awesome show ‘The Match Game’?  Well he was the host.  Match.com plays their own version.  In a totally perverted and ‘fuck you’ sorta way, but still.  Those unfamiliar with Match.com may not know that they send you anywhere from 4-8 ‘daily matches’ that you need to log in to view and then you rate them a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’.  If you’re all excited about one of them, you can even send them a note.  Whoopee!  Most of mine are ‘no’ or ‘maybe’.  Yey.  You can read their profiles without them knowing (’cause really, who wants to know who they’re being rejected by).  I have no real clue how they choose who is ‘my match’ because although I have read and fully understand the oh so complicated algorithms that they use to select these winners for me, if they really went by who I’ve exchanged the most messages with, they’d be sending me this lovely person’s profile each week. 😉

Anywhoo, I think I promised you all some stories from the weekend and my sailing lessons with TD.  All day Saturday and all day Sunday.  Followed by a wicked argument Saturday night, acting like nothing was wrong on Sunday and a great time sailing and going out to dinner afterwards on Sunday night.  I won’t go into specifics but it was a fairly passive aggressive weekend all the way around.  I pushed buttons (on purpose).  He pushed buttons.  He yelled.  I cried.  His son heard us.  😦 TD and I have never fought before.  We really have nothing to fight about.  Oh, aside from the fact that I’m kind of still in love with him and he’s in love with dating everyone in town.  Okay, not really, but the fact that he is dating says, well screams really, that I’m not the one and never will be.  As a matter of fact, as I will never be able to do it on my own apparently, mid fight I asked him to tell me to fuck off.  That I would never be the one for him.  That he needed to send me away and not look back because I apparently haven’t been able to totally do that yet.  And he wouldn’t.  He said he couldn’t.  That although he knows how selfish it is, that I’m just too important in his life.  I hate him more than a little bit for that.  It was an ugly weekend.  Alcohol induced, of course, but I saw a side of him that I really didn’t like.  He was mean.  On purpose.  Then again, I was being an uber bitch.  Yes, on purpose.

I asked him about his dating in an attempt to disgust myself enough to storm out.  He told me.  He’s dated about 5-6 women in the past 2 months.  I asked if he’s slept with any of them (yes, feel free to unsubscribe to my blog at any time now).  He told me no, but that he’d ‘come close’ with one.  One that he went out with 4 times.  And they ‘almost’ had sex on date #3.  I asked him what stopped them (hoping, like a ginormous moron to hear the words ‘I just couldn’t do that to you’) and he told me it was a matter of logistics.  Uhm, what the fuck does that mean?  Apparently they were in a car.  Yup, just like 2 horny teenagers.  Dumbass.  I laughed in his face and that set him off.  Good.  I know, before anyone tells me, that there is no way in hell that he’d be able to feel whatever feelings he had for this other person and ‘almost’ sleep with her if he was invested in me in the least.  I’m well aware, thank you.  In the end though, they went out one more time after that and then he ran away.  Afraid, once again, to be in a relationship.

Does it make me feel better that it’s apparently not just me that he doesn’t want to date?  Nope.  It doesn’t.  I feel bad for these women but hope they are smarter than I am and run away (far away) before they get further invested in him.  So he dated this one woman 4 times and another woman 3 times.  Nice.  I’ve dated no one.  Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to date someone, it’s just that no one has asked.  Well, no one that I would even remotely consider as they are blatantly wrong for me; even as just a diversion.  There is nothing I would love more than to meet a man who makes me go ‘TD who?’.  I’m still looking, but apparently he’s hiding……

Anyway, after 3 days full of drama and tears (on both our parts) and just sort of letting things go once we sobered up, we are back to being what we were before.  Which is some sort of dysfunctional friendship.  No, we don’t see each other nearly as much as we used to nor do we even communicate a fraction as much.  For the record, I have NOT fooled around with him or slept with him in months and don’t allow him to even touch me.  I just haven’t actually told him to fuck off again.  Yet.  But I’m getting there.  He doesn’t deserve me.  It’s not his fault that I’m not his ‘one’.  It’s my fault for not fully acknowledging what his selfishness in keeping me as a friend is actually doing to my psyche.  I am disengaging again, but haven’t fully yet.  I really don’t want to end up hating him (or having him hate me), but it’s looking like that’s the only way I’m going to be able to do this.

Oh, so back to the title of this post.  Guess who Match sent me as one of my daily matches today?  No really, go ahead and guess………

You didn’t really want to hear about the actual sailing part, did you? 😉

 

Marketing Plan and………. March 27, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:59 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Bitter, jaded, snarky, judgmental, picky and tall.  That should have the shitbags bachelors online tripping over themselves to contact me, right?  I’ve kicked around the idea of putting a new profile up on Match.  I totally deleted my old one.  Although I loved it and thought it was a great one, it didn’t seem to bring me much luck, so I’m going to create a new one from scratch.  Only I seem to be, for one of the few times ever, at a loss for words.  I’m a good catch, truly I am (aside from the shitty outlook these days, paranoia and neurotic fits ~ but tall and blonde counterbalances all of that, right?).  I’ve just allowed my confidence to be sabotaged by others.  Namely the nicest man I know.  Quite the contradiction, right?  The man that, to this day, although I try to convince myself that I hate, I consider one of the best people I have ever met, did more to damage my self confidence in the past few months than more than 2 years of online dating every douchebag in town has done.  Awesome.

I’d love to be able to say that I know what I’m looking for, but apparently I don’t.  I know what I’ve found in the past and probably need to NOT do that again, but is it really so difficult to find an honest, forthright man who knows how to spell and doesn’t stare at me blankly when I say something sarcastic?  Someone who knows how they feel about me and is willing to admit it (if only to himself)?  Someone who doesn’t use text as a primary mode of communication?  Someone who doesn’t make me 2nd guess every single thing I do?  Oh wait, that’s my bad, not theirs…….

I’ve been doing well, really I have.  Work has been good.  Friends have been good.  Not moping around has been good.  Funny how all of that can change with one slip of the tongue.  TD called me today.  We have spoken intermittently (yes, I know, I’m an idiot) and we actually went to dinner on Saturday.  I assumed he was going to tell me that he’d met someone and how happy they were *barf*, but that’s not what happened.  We just had a fun time.  Like we always had.  So I had to keep repeating in my head ‘he’s a stupid idiot for not choosing you and you can do better’ (which I know to be true) along with some other more colorful things so that I wouldn’t look at him and feel bad and ya’ know what?  It worked! 🙂 Yey me!  Too bad he fucked that all up today.  I always know when he’s blue, so I asked him what was wrong.  And he told me.  And part of what he told me was how rude and disrespectful some online daters are.  Uh, really?!? I shouldn’t have, but I asked him what he meant as I thought that was more constructive than just laughing at him and ya’ know what he did?  He told me.  He told me this: ‘it’s so frustrating to go out with someone and have a fantastic time and think they’re great and be excited about seeing them again and then have them not respond to you again’.  Uhm………….. I’m no dummy and know he’s out dating.  And potentially finding ‘the one’, but do I really want to hear about women that he’s ‘totally excited about’?  Not so much.  Of course I went totally silent as I always do when he sticks his size 57 foot in his mouth.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him.  And he denied saying he’d met anyone that he was excited about.  I corrected him on that point and he apologized and awkwardly said he needed to go.  I honestly don’t think he meant to say what he did and felt like a shit for doing so, but the fact remains that he did.  I don’t go out of my way to tell him about my faux, nonexistent dates or who I’m seeing, so why would he mention it to me?

In one lovely slip of the tongue, my great day kinda went to shit.  I thought I was further along with this than I apparently am.  Huh.

So back to my online profile.  Although some have suggested that I need to take a longer break from dating, I can’t help but argue that I’ll never find my ‘one’ if I stop looking.  I have a profile up on OkStupid that I look at so seldom that I have to refer to a little sticky-do on my computer in order to remember my log on information.  And I hid my profile on Plenty of Fuckwads today too.  Huh, maybe I’m not ready to date again yet.  Really though?  Won’t finding someone new help to erase the old?  Too bad no one holds any interest for me.  Shit.  I may need some help with this profile authoring.  Anyone want to volunteer to ghost write for me?  While you’re at it, maybe you could post something witty and entertaining on my blog 😉

 

Damn, That Took A While March 14, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:31 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

*I actually wrote this a couple weeks ago but didn’t publish it as I figure who the hell wants to hear me re-hash my shit yet again.  Then I figured, who cares?  It’s my blog and my life.  Feel free to skip ahead if you’d like’* 😉

Yup, we’re all sick to death of hearing me whine.  Believe me, I include myself in that group.  Give me a break, I’m 44 years old.  I run my own business.  I have a nice house.  I have great friends.  I’m smart and tall and not too horribly offensive to look at.  I now weigh what I did back in college and know that although I am the proud owner of some 90 year old man’s knees, that I don’t look my age.  And look pretty okay for my age.   And I certainly don’t act my age.  So my family sorta sucks; we can’t win them all, right?  Why the hell would I allow someone/anyone to control my level of self esteem.  While I will never be some cocky piece of shit, I know that I’m kind of a good person and a pretty good catch.  I’m smart and independent and hello?  I know how to cook.  Isn’t that supposed to be the way to a man’s heart?

I seem to gravitate to broken people.  We all know that.  I like to make people feel good about themselves.  When i’m not busy being a bitch, I am great at doling out the compliments and building up self esteem.  For others.  That’s what I’ve pretty much done for the last 7 months with the one that shall remain nameless as I’m sick of typing it.  I’ve told him and shown him what a great person he is.  Good hearted.  Smart.  Funny.  Driven.  And I’ve done a good job.  For that, I am not sorry.  What I am sorry about is allowing him to think it’s okay to put me on the back burner while he searches elsewhere and tries out his newfound confidence (thanks to me) on the internet dating females in my town.  Since when is it okay to tell someone who is so obviously in love with you that you’re just not sure and don’t want to make a mistake; that he may find out in the end that I am the one.  That he knows it’s not fair to ask me to wait, but is scared that I will find someone else if I don’t.  That’s not how it works.  It’s either yes or no.  Yes, I want to try giving a relationship with you a shot or No, I don’t see us together.  Period.  Grey areas suck.  Grey areas keep hopes alive that shouldn’t be.  Grey areas are selfish and self serving.  Now while I am certainly not blameless in all of this and should have seen it all coming (well, I actually did, but chose to ignore it), it wasn’t my job to define what we were.  If he’s so logical and engineering minded, he knows that there is no set formula to things like this.  It’s head vs heart vs past experience vs expectations.  And we all know expectations just set you up for failure.

For someone who claims to be so honest (me), I’ve been lying a lot.  To myself and to others.  Today, for the 1st day really I woke up pissed as shit at him.  He texted me to see how I was feeling and guess what?  I ignored it.   He doesn’t get to have it both ways.  If he can’t see me for what I bring to he and his kids, then best of luck finding my replacement and giving her the chance he never gave me.  ‘Maybe’ just isn’t good enough.

 

Immature, Party Of One? March 12, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:17 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

That’s me!  And for some sick and wrong reason, it entertains the hell out of me.  So I saw someone yesterday.  I knew I would, but tried to avoid it.  I was at an awards ceremony for his son.  His son invited me and I didn’t want to let him down.  Sure, I knew that ‘he’d’ be there, but did my best to no look for him or sit by him.  As I knew he’d see me though, I opted to dress up.  A lot.  And damn if I didn’t look pretty friggin’ great.  Of course he saw me.  And came over to give me a hug.  And tell me how wonderful I looked.  And ask why I was so dressed up.  To which I replied: ” I have a date I’m meeting for dinner in an hour”.  And walked away.  And after the awards’ ceremony was over, I drove my all dolled up ass straight home.  That’s right.  No date.  No plans at all.  Just felt like being an immature bitch.  And ya’ know what?  I liked it.

 

What The F*Ck Am I Doing? February 24, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:34 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

So those of you left that haven’t cursed my name and continue to torture yourselves reading my ‘woe is me’ ramblings will find it not all that surprising that I’ve been a bit of a nutcase this week regarding TD.  I’ve run the gamut from sad to mad to pathetic to pissed and it all gets rolled into one weepy annoying mess.  Nice.  Yesterday I was actually kinda mad at TD.  Mad at him for playing with me (literally and figuratively).  Mad at him for knowing how I felt about him and still continuing to lead me on.  Mad at him for claiming that he was following my lead when all along, I thought that I was following his.  What is it about me that makes me be so delusional about what’s going on?  How could I not pay attention to what he was verbally telling me?  Oh, that’s right, because while he was telling me we were just friends and that he was going to date some more, he was acting otherwise.  A very wise friend of mine hit the nail on the head that we are each others security blankets.  And that while pathetic on my part, it’s okay for him to be my security blanket, but not so okay for him to keep me around as his while having every intention of replacing me with a newer style.  I could be perfectly happy with my irregular, beat up blankie.  He wants a new one.

So anyway, yesterday i was mad.  Which meant at least I wasn’t blubbering all over the place and was almost functional.  Yey me.  Wasn’t a blubbering idiot that is, until he texted me last night in order to tell me that he missed me.  Is he allowed to do that?  Can he be equally as delusional in that he thinks I’d be okay with hanging around while he looks for a replacement?  Well, as that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past 4 months, I guess so.  I’m not sure why it sent me into such a funk though.  A shitty one that continues on today.  Awesome.

Wanna know what makes all this even better?  And by better, I mean a big ole’ slap in the face?  I had lunch with Finger Foods today.  You remember, my none too common sense gifted friend that stayed with me for a while?  The one who would leave my front door hanging wide open for my dogs to run out?  The one who would invite me to dinner/lunch/breakfast/the movies/whatever at least 5 times a week?  The one that I originally met on Match and we became friends?  The one that I figured would be on there long after I had coupled up?  Yeah, he’s got a girlfriend.  Not that I would ever be interested in him but really?  Can everyone find someone on there except me?

Okay, so back to my neurotic spastic self.  We texted last night and that totally screwed me and my resolve up.  Totally.  I texted him this morning asking him to tell me something nice as I was having a crappy morning (thanks to him).  Yes people, I am THAT lame.  He texted back that I am the nicest most generous person he has ever met.  Uhm, is that anything like telling the husky unattractive girl that she has a good personality?  He apologized for texting last night and acknowledged that he shouldn’t have.  Anyway, as I had the brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not so brilliant) idea to try to talk him into liking me for the bazillionth time, I asked him to stop by tonight.  YES!  I suck more than I could have ever imagined.  I’m apparently going for some needy moron award of some sort.  Then I changed my mind.  I told him not to come over and proceeded to write a crappy e-mail to him which I never sent.  Then I let my guilty conscience get to me and ……..wait for it ………. called him to apologize!  Fuck me!  Which resulted in a very awkward and stilted phone conversation about absolutely nothing.  Nothing but an invitation to go boating with he and the kids on Sunday.  Oh, and telling me that he LOVES having me in his life.  Yey me!  Maybe me and his new whorish blankie (once he finds one that is pretty enough) can be bestest buddies!

Look, when Finger Foods, who has met TD and thinks he’s an awesome guy, tells me to drop his ass as he’s just using me (he didn’t actually use the term security blanket though), it’s time for me to wake up.  Thing is, I KNOW what is going on.  I KNOW it won’t go anywhere.  I KNOW what I need to do.  NO contact.  NONE.  It’s a matter of actually sticking to it that seems to be presenting a challenge.

Any bets on if I go boating or not? 😦

 

The Votes Are In! February 23, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:26 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

So those of you nice enough to weigh in on my 6 day plight with my match membership will be none to surprised to find out that it’s now 5 days.  And that I still don’t know what I’m going to do about things.  Things being vodka consumption, refrigerator consumption, fishing for tools, online hair pulling (that just sounded dirty), never talking to TD again, never dating again, turning into a lesbian or anything else at this point.  As I’m back on that stupid HCG diet, no worries about the vodka and fridge consumption as those aren’t allowed.  Boo.  As for tool fishing online, well, who knows.  I haven’t actually been on an official internet date since September.  With the lovely tall gentleman that looked everywhere but at me while talking.

Just to add some fun to my TD plight, he text messaged me a picture last night.  Of Michael Bubble’!  TD is in CA for work and ended up in the same bar as him!  I forgot for a minute that I’m supposed to not be talking to him/trying to be mad at him/cursing his name and instead turned into a giddy schoolgirl.  Awesome.  To muddy things even more, his son text messaged me with some girl problems yesterday and we went back and forth for the good part of an hour.  Pretty cool that his son would think to ask me.  I guess being as he likes a girl who doesn’t necessarily like him back as much, he figured I’d be the expert on such scenarios. 😉 As we were texting, I inquired as to how my very custom created Simms character was doing.  After all, he was nice enough to create me and have me marry his dad.  *sigh*  Unfortunately I was informed that I passed away during childbirth and when I inquired if they at least sprung for a nice funeral for me instead of burying me in the backyard next to the guinea pig, I was told that ‘he just left me at the hospital for them to deal with the body’.  Uhm, ouch.

Anyway, back to the reason for the stilted and headache inducing post.  I have a date on Saturday night.  With the 6’4″ 51 year old.  Yey?  He seems nice enough and actually planned a real date.  To a comedy club.  Bonus points there.  He also wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner before or after the show and I’m trying to politely decline that option.  We all know how I feel about dinner dates.  I guess I should actually look at his pics again and read his profile.  I’m a giver like that.  It is nice of him though to have TD’s same 1st name.  At least I won’t get busted for calling him **** by mistake.  😉 However, I am dreading putting his number in my phone as each time I see a text or a call from ****, I’m going to hope/wish it was from the other one. 😦

Damn this sucks.  I’d usually whine to my best friend about such things………..oh, wait …….

 

F U Match.com + Operation Distraction ……. February 20, 2012

Filed under: dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:49 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Really?  As if yesterday wasn’t bad enough, Match.com has opted to rear unleash it’s sense of humor on me.  Amongst the 10 other winks and messages that induced less than a positive response from me, I got one from a 54 year old Asian man, 5’7″, holding up a dead fish in his main profile picture.  What. The. Fuck?!?!?!  I got a message from a 27 year old as well.  And 4 other winks from men over 50.  And a message from an ‘okay’ guy.  I decided to actually respond to that one.  With probably what was the most boring and non GGD style message ever.  Yey him.  Problem being, I don’t much care at this point.  With only 12 days left to ‘fish’ in the cesspool (and not for you little Asian fisherman), I need to get some sort of motivation to at least run a search.  Or 15.

In other related news, after my 3rd trip to bed yesterday (way to waste a gorgeous holiday monday), I got a text from my friend inviting me to a basketball game.  Thank god!  Something to do!  Better yet, something to do that involved free food and alcohol! 

In an attempt to occupy my time and actually be productive with all the free time I will now have instead of always being with and at TD’s, I have made a grooming appointment for one of my doggies that is long past due and have made an appointment for a tattoo that I have wanted to get forever, but have been putting that off as well.  My last tattoo was of a key.  A key in order to remind me what it is that’s important in life.  A key to what I’m looking for.  A key that signifies so many different thing on any given day.  As TD has sort of fucked up my grand plan for a happy life with him (dumbass) ;-), I am finally going to finish off my tattoo.  With 3 little words circling my key.  3 words that really say it all.  “Live, Love, Laugh”.  Now I just have decide on a font and placement. 🙂

I’ve also been putting off Red Onesie who wants to meet me again, so need to set something up with that douchebag (oy, great attitude, I know) and Finger Foods as he’s been trying to do lunch with me for weeks.  I figure I’ll give myself the rest of this week to be a sorry loser, and then pull my head out sometime over the weekend.  Sounds good on paper, right?  I’m giving 3:1 odds …………

 

What a Difference A Day Makes January 1, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:45 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Or would that be ‘what a difference a year makes’ since it happened after midnight on New Year’s Eve?   Eh, potato, potahto.  I was planning on sharing about my evening with TD on Thursday when he slept over in this post.  Nope, no bike ride.  Really not even anything all that inappropriate as he had shorts on (that stayed on, thank you very much) and I was properly covered as well (no, not the dreaded lime green panties either).  To be clear though, nothing that transpired was inappropriate unless it’s between 2 people when one of them truly believes the other is ‘just a friend’.  And the other doesn’t.  Kinda moot, as I won’t be making that post today anyway.  I’m going to skip ahead and share my NYE with everyone.  Yey you.

When I got to TD’s house I could immediately tell something was ‘off’.  It’s a weird ability of mine to be able to read people when they think I can’t.  Anyway, I had texted Click those very concerns as soon as I got there.  Couldn’t figure out what it was though, so put the thought to the back of my mind.  We went out and had a great time.  It’s when we got back to his house that the real fun (translation: not much fun) started.

We watched the ball drop in Times Square.  I almost missed the countdown as my watch was slow, but made it back into the family room in time.  We watched everyone scream happy new year while in my head I screamed ‘you better kiss me as I want to test out that theory that if you get a kiss on NYE your love life won’t suck wind all year’.  Luckily he gave me a kiss.  Not the kiss I was hoping for, but whatever.  It just remains to be seen if that theory holds water.

We started to watch a movie and then went to bed.  I had on sexy plaid pjs.  By sexy, I mean, not so sexy.  He laid on the far side of the bed and I rolled over to face the other way.  As I can never leave well enough alone, I asked him one simple question.  ‘What’s wrong’?  There had been no hand holding, no arm rubbing, no playing with my hair.  Pretty much no signs of affection from him whatsoever the entire night.  No bueno.  He said he was uncomfortable with how far things had gone on Thursday night.  I didn’t really see it that way as although what did happen wouldn’t be all that appropriate between ‘friends’, as that’s not really what we are, there was absolutely nothing that transpired that was out of the ordinary.  If by ordinary I mean totally fucked up friendship with definite boundary issues.

Anyway, that whole conversation somehow grew into one about everything.  About how he can’t commit to me.  I never asked him to.  About how he’s not ready.  I know that.  About how he doesn’t think it’s fair to ‘string me along’.  Uhm, huh?  As we had just had a conversation similar to this one a few weeks prior, I was well aware that although he wasn’t ready to date (me or anyone), that when the time was right, that I would finally get my chance.   Apparently he doesn’t recall that.  And no longer feels that way.

Although he isn’t ready for any sort of physical relationship (I finally got him to admit that we actually do have a relationship, just not a physical one), that when he is, he needs to date around more.  He needs to make sure that he’s not ‘rushing into’ anything or choosing me because it’s ‘easy’.  Okay, I may be the most forgiving/naïve/retarded person ever, but if the man that I’m kinda sorta in love with tells me that he still needs to comparison shop after knowing me for almost 6 months before even thinking about giving us a chance,  it’s time for me to go.  Figuratively and literally.

An awesome (translation: horrible/humbling/spirit crushing) conversation followed for the next 3 hours.  All about his concerns.  All about his concerns about me.  All about his insecurities.  All about how he doesn’t want to make a mistake.  All about how he doesn’t want to hurt me.  All about how I deserve better.  All about how he still needs to work on his independence.  Uh, what?  How can the man think he’s working on that when we’re always together.  I know.  It’s because he’s using me as his crutch.  And it took me this long to finally admit it to myself.

I knew this day would come sooner or later.  I had just really hoped it would be later.  Much later.  As in the ‘never’ variety.  I may be a lot of things, but I am not someone’s crutch to be used until they get back on their feet and then decide to test the waters with others.  I can’t believe he still feels this way.  I can’t believe that he truly thinks that since things between us are so great and easy, that it can’t be right.  That it’s too easy.  That things need to be harder than they really need to be.  That he thinks there is someone out there better for he and his kids than I am.  I can’t do it again.  And I won’t.  And although I once told him that I would wait for him as I truly feel that he’s worth it, I can’t take that chance.  And I told him that.  And then I came home.  Crushed and heartbroken.  And minus one very amazing (regardless of what some you all, and he, thinks)’friend’.

I will now proceed to celebrate new year’s day not with the man that is capable of making me so very happy and laughing and watching football and snuggling in front of the fire and waiting for his kids to come over and laughing some more and having fun and knowing how grateful I am to have them all in my life.  Nope, instead I will be eating the entire contents of my refrigerator.  And freezer.  And well stocked pantry.  Happy 2012. 😦

 

What Do You Mean I Was Supposed To Share? December 31, 2011

So Thursday night was my big fucked up dinner party (give you a clue as to how it went?).  How someone who throws parties for a living and is so socially at ease with most people one on one can turn into such a freak of nature when faced with a small group is beyond me.  But it is me.

TD showed up around 4:30 and kept me company in the kitchen while I cooked.  And I fed him cocktails as I knew he’d be uneasy about having dinner with 2 new people.  Me and ‘my boys’ 😉 sounds easy right?  No, nothing in my world is easy, but whatever.  Everyone else showed up around 5:30 and we all stood around and talked in the kitchen for a while before sitting down.  I meant for dinner to be totally casual, but as I do things like this for a living and like things pretty, I set the dining room table.  No big deal, right?  Apparently I was wrong.  We had salads, then I cleared and plated dinner for everyone:  Beef Stroganoff over Wheat Pasta with Green Beans and a side of Garlic Parmesan Spaghetti Squash.  Yummy.  My neighbor was nice enough to bring dessert and Finger Foods bought wine.  TD asked what he could bring, and I said nothing, so that’s what he brought.  My ex, of course, showed up empty handed as expected and then complained that I didn’t have appetizers.  😦 As I had almost finished my entire bottle of awesome wine (Conundrum – try it!), I promptly gave the PC hostess response of ‘fuck off’ ’cause I’m awesome like that.

Dinner went fine.  All the boys got along and had a good time.  I just kinda watched and served.  Which is what I do when I’m uncomfortable with a situation.  So FF talked with neighbor, Ex talked with FF, TD talked to everyone.  Including a friend of his all throughout dinner that he had plans with later that night. 😦 No bueno.  As my wine was long by then I over-reacted and stomped upstairs.  Again, since I’m awesome like that.  As I had texted TD before my lovely immature exit with a ‘that’s annoying’ beforehand, he came up after me.  And that, my friends, is when we had our 2nd faux fight.

About why I made the dinner so ‘formal’.  It wasn’t.  About how sorry he was that he keeps disappointing me.  He kind of is.  About how he had no idea why I would invite everyone over.  My bad.  About how I invited them over not only to be nice, but also to show him that he’s not as socially awkward ‘around new people as he seems to think he is.  Oh, what’s that, TD?  You had no idea that I put that dinner together with you absolutely in mind?  Yeah, you’re welcome.  Anyway, it was stupid ‘debate’ and it ended with him apologizing and me getting a pity invitation to go out with he and his friend.  Which I turned down.  And then decided ‘fuck it’, I could use some additional cocktails on top of my entire bottle of wine. 🙂 So I went.  And had a good time.  Until I closed out the tab as a nice thing to do (closed out = paid for), to which TD was upset because he doesn’t like when I pay for anything and his shitty little friend was pissed because I closed the tab and he apparently wanted another drink.  What the fuck?!?  Such an asshole he is.  Of course he friend requested me on FB the next morning.  Yup, lucky me.

So as I went with TD to the bar from my house, he had to bring me home as well.  And stayed over.  And that, my dear friends, is all you get for today.  I hope you enjoyed my long overdue and exceptionally scattered and stilted post.  Possibly I’ll pull my head out of my ass in 2012. (but don’t count on it)

Have a safe an happy new year!!!!!!!!

 

Who Voted “Cut Off All Ties”? December 3, 2011

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:03 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I wanted to thank everyone who weighed in on my craptastic turn of events with TD.  Those that told me to take my time in doing what I needed to do and those who told me to drop his sorry ass and run for the hills.  To the later portion of my blogging friends, it will come as absolutely no surprise that I completely ignored your advice. 😉 I had thrown out the reasoning that I ‘just couldn’t do it to him’ this time of year with his birthday and the holidays, but truth of the matter is that I just couldn’t do it to me this time of year.  Although I’m not completely sure what I’m doing, things are good.  He’s a good man who’s kind and caring and has the absolute best penchant for sticking his foot in his mouth.  Repeatedly.  We’ve still been spending a lot of time together.  And talking on the phone.  And texting.  And playing online Scrabble.  What?  It surprises you that I’m a geek?

I sort of consider him my ‘faux’ bf at this point.  Everything involved in a relationship, just no touching.  And before you all give yourselves whiplash shaking your heads, I am seeing things for what they are.  He’s just a hugely conflicted individual who has no idea what he wants.  From me or from life.  The thing is, since all this went down, I feel pretty good about everything.  I ‘get’ what’s going on in his head regarding me even though he doesn’t.  I now sort of have the upper hand in this situation.  I can read him.  I think I’m probably dealing with our once again changed status better than he is.  Although I’m not a game player or a tease by any stretch of the imagination, I do know how to play the game and I do know how to tease.  And I am.  And for some sick reason, it’s amusing the hell out of me.  He still sends me a million mixed messages and sticks his foot in his mouth at just about every turn lately.  He’s also let a couple things ‘slip’ that I am, sadly (?), taking full of advantage of.  I know he misses holding me and playing with my hair (among other things) and I am making sure to remind him how much he misses these things by letting him get just so close before wandering off (figuratively and literally).  I guarantee that lines will be crossed, but not by me.

All it takes apparently is the man who I think I’m in love with (yeah, whatever, you all knew it) to dick me around and say some fairly questionable things to me in order to enable me to pull my head out and realize that I’m sort of in charge of how all of this goes.  If he just wants to be friends, good, I can do that; but he can’t have it both ways.  He chose friendship and although I will show him what he’s missing at every opportunity, I will not be the one to pine away or cross the line.

So, in other related news, you all know that I’ve been doing what I call a ‘cleanse’ …… no alcohol, strict diet, yadda yadda.  Well that’s a bit of a fib.  I”m doing HCG again and damn if it isn’t going really well.  I’m already down 15 of the 20 lbs I wanted to lose (notice how that number keeps creeping up?) and I’m not having the weird mood swings this time around.  I guess I should thank TD for this one as well.  He actually told me that he was ‘concerned about my fitness’ (fucking idiot), which I immediately translated to ‘you’re fat’ (although I wasn’t) and consequently decided that I would make him eat those words.  We actually went to the gym yesterday and guess who’s in better shape?  Yup, that’s me.  I’m able to wear jeans that I haven’t fit into in years and feel pretty damn good about it.  Funny the different things that can motivate you.  Sure, the not drinking part SUCKS, but it’s worth it……..I think. 😉

Anyway, I’m still on the verge of losing job #2, my primary business is really slow, I’m still trying to figure a lot of things out regarding all aspects of my life, but for now, I think I’m doing okay.  And I do have to thank TD for part of that.  For all of his bazillion shortcomings, he is a good friend (dammit) and although I will most likely not end up with what I want out of this whole thing, it’s okay, because he made me realize what it is that I’m really looking for.  And what I will continue to look for when I go back on Match.  Next week…………… god help me 😉

 

Eggplant November 25, 2011

Frist of all, my deepest apologies to anyone that has landed here looking for delicious recipes for this odd little vegetable.  That isn’t what this is about.  I suggest you run away quickly because although I can cook the crap out of eggplant and love the stuff, it takes on whole new meaning in my world.

We all know my penchant for calling things something other than they actually are.  Why on earth would I call it sex when calling it a bike ride is sooooo much more entertaining for me?  Why call the guys on line single when I can call them douchebags or tools?  Why call the entire internet dating realm internet dating when I can refer to it as a cesspool?  I am fully aware that the average Joe who speaks to me or reads my drivel and is unaware of my little nicknames for everything will and does have a hard time trying to figure out what the hell I’m talking about, but as it’s my life and I think it’s funny, you had better start keeping a little cheat sheet ’cause I’m not stopping.

So, back to this quirky little vegetable and why the hell anyone would care about it.  Last week, at the funeral, my best friend and I decided that we needed a codeword to say, just randomly, that wouldn’t alert the presses to when we were in an uncomfortable situation and needed either help or an escape route.  We thought about ‘coat check’, ‘uncle’ and several other words that didn’t seem to fit.  That’s how we landed on ‘eggplant’.  Who would notice that in the middle of a discussion about world peace that one of us yelling, rather frantically, ‘eggplant’ was a sign of distress?  I know, we’re smart cookies the two of us together. 😉  So the code word eggplant was born.  And in addition to being used many times over those two days, has been declared many more times since then via text, phone call and screaming it at the top of our lungs …….. in our heads of course.  She called it when her ex boyfriend from 10 years ago declared his undying love to her and asked her to leave her husband and family and run away with him.  Uhm yeah, that didn’t happen.  She declared it when her father yelled out something totally inappropriate in a fancy schmancy restaurant.  I however have only declared it once since.  Okay, to be more accurate, I declared it many times over the course of the day, but only on one occasion since it’s inception.

That day would be Thanksgiving.  The day that family traditions are called into play.  The day that friends, relatives and neighbors get together to celebrate all that is good in their lives.  And to eat.  A lot.  As I don’t really get along with my family and aside from my one neighbor who checks up on me to make sure that I’m not lying dead at the bottom of my stairs every now again, I live in a very anti-social neighborhood.  I mean really?  Do I need to be friends with the pedophile next door or the guy that I am certain runs a meth lab in his home due to the black garbage bags that he has covering the insides of ALL of his windows?  No, I didn’t think so.

I had three options yesterday.  My twin, who has apparently called a truce on bitchfest 2011 invited me over.  I could have stayed home with my awesome doggies (yes, well aware of what a fucking loser that just made me sound like).  Then the most interesting option of all; I was invited to TD’s to spend the day with he and his kids.  Yup, as I know you’re already rolling your eyes and screaming at the computer right now, you know I chose option #3.  Why on earth select a mellow, low key, no stress, solitary option when I could just launch myself into a really uncomfortable situation?  I’m good like that.

So I went.  At 9am.  And after considering leaving several times throughout the day, finally departed at 12:15am.  Sent on my way with a platonic hug from the man who is perfect for me and who obviously can deal with the whole friend to dating back to friend thing a little better than I.  Actually, aside from a couple of awkward moments when I wanted to scream EGGPLANT from the rooftops, it wasn’t so bad.  And I did fairly well.  I didn’t mope.  I didn’t pine away.  I didn’t wonder ‘what if’.  The whole situation just sort of made me sad.  Of course, as we were sitting around the dinner table declaring what we were thankful for this year, TD has to say (totally sincerely….no, really) ‘I am thankful for meeting this amazing woman sitting next to me as I don’t know what I would have done without her’.  Of course, being the awesome individual that I am, instead of just being flattered and saying ‘thank you’, I have to pop off with ‘damn, it must have been a crappy year if I’m the best you’ve got’.  Yup, I’m a peach.

Actually, more like an eggplant………