Death, Anger Management and Family BBQs July 9, 2019

So is it weird that I asked Mr OoT if I could meet his sister from out of town that i hadn’t yet met and go to a family BBQ that his parents were having? No? Well maybe I need to fill in some blanks and then you can decide.

I haven’t written much (or at all) about Mr. OoT and I since just about the beginning of the year. Why you ask? Well that was because I was sparing you all (and myself) the annoyance of rolling your eyes and yelling at the computer.

Mr. OoT and I have issues. Big ones. He has some anger management issues. I have some ‘fixer’ issues. He has some deflection and projection issues. I have some defensive issues. We weren’t the best match to begin with (understatement of the century). Throw in that we are long distance and that makes everything a million times harder.

We’ve been in so many arguments that I’ve lost track. He tells me I fight weird. This is because I don’t engage. I allow him to go off on me and spew some of the most hateful and hurtful things at me and all I do is warn him to make sure he really means the things he’s saying as he can’t take them back once said. This usually just infuriates him more. I’m not quite sure when I became someone that would allow ANYONE to speak to me that way, but here I am. Or was.

This last time was especially cruel. He usually has a somewhat set litany of things that he venomously spews at me, but the past couple of times he’s thrown in new things to the effect of ‘the long line of women waiting to date him’. Uhm, wait, what? I know that Mr. OoT’s version of telling the truth is most rational people’s version of a lie. I know his “tells”. I know he wouldn’t have said this unless he was actually talking to other women. And he has been. How do I know? I went through his phone. And that, my friends is when I realized I was becoming a crazy person. I DO NOT go thru people’s phones. There is never anything good that can come of that. It’s a huge violation of trust and a horrible thing to do. I had to know though. And guess what? He has been overtly flirting with a couple of women. I see that as cheating and crossing the line, he does not. He feels he should get a gold star for not actually sleeping with them when he could have. Uhm no, gold stars are not given for doing the right thing and being a decent human being. Do I think he’d be flirting with other women if we were in a good place? No I don’t. As we aren’t/weren’t does that make it any less shitty? Nope.

One other thing he spewed at me was ‘no wonder you’re alone’. Sort of an odd thing for a supposed boyfriend to say, right? I realized though that he was right. I am alone. I have been for the past year. He’s not here when I need him to be. Physically or emotionally. We fight way too much. He has slowly and systematically crushed my spirit and sense of self worth. When did I become the woman that would allow that?!

I saw him over the weekend. He went off on me again. This time it was different. I fought back. Not in the insane way that he fights, but simply asked, when he finally took a breath, “are you happy now? do you feel better now that you’ve said these horrible things to me? you are truly an asshole and I deserve better” and walked out. I’ve said things to this affect before to no avail. I always counter balance his evil side in my head with his generous spirit and kind, yet hugely damaged, heart and end up giving him a pass. He never truly apologizes. This time was different.

He came to find me and when he did, he was crying. Like hysterically crying. He apologized a million ways, said that I don’t deserve any of this, that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he realizes his anger is getting progressively worse, that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met (I am), that I DO deserve better (I do), that he is going to seek some help and work on himself. He then asked if I think that some people are broken beyond repair. To which I replied ‘yes’.

Do I think he’s broken beyond repair? No, not really. I believe that truly broken people will never actually admit to being broken. Do I hope he gets some help? Yes, I certainly do. For his sake. Will I wait around for him like he asked me to? No, I absolutely will not.

Did I ask to go to his family BBQ on Sunday? Yes, yes I did. I wanted a chance to see his family one last time and get a bit of closure. None of them knew we had broken up (oh, aside from the fact that he brought a different girl with him on the 4th of July! Fucker, but that’s a story for another time). It gave me a chance to see everyone one last time. His dad loves me. His dad implored me to come visit any time, with or without Mr. OoT. That speaks volumes. His sisters were great and must have sensed what was going on.  They both said it was great seeing me and to not let Mr. OoT get away with too much.  They do know him best…..

He wants to remain friends. I said no. He wants me to wait for him. I said no. He wants me to know he will always be here for me. Whatever. Did I tell him to go to hell and never contact me again? No. Not sure why. I will stand my ground this time though.

Oh, and I told him I hated the candle he sent me. In some small way, being the petty bitch he’s always accused me of being made me feel better…..

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Dating Down January 29, 2018

Now, before anyone jumps my shit, take a deep breath and just read. Dating down has many connotations. Most of them negative. It implies that you’re better than someone else. That they aren’t as worthy. That they aren’t up to your standards. That is NOT what I am referring to. I don’t look down on others. Well, I do, but not my brave online dates, and if it happens, they usually deserve it for being a shitty human being.

I’m not a shitty person. As a matter of fact, I’m a damn good person. A damn good person who’s a pretty good catch. A damn good person who doesn’t need anyone else’s money. A damn good person who doesn’t care what a person has, but instead cares about who they are as person. A damn good person with some pretty significant insecurities. A damn good person who often hides these insecurities under a thick layer of self deprecation, humor and sarcasm. I’m nothing if not self aware. I know I can be an idiot a lot sometimes. I know at times that I have the emotional maturity of a petulant 7 year old. I own it though. I own it all. All my shit that is tied up in nice little compartments with decorative bows.

Dating down has nothing to do with looks or character or wealth or height or weight or anything that you can put your finger on. It has to do with me owning my shit. It has been proven time and time again that I cannot handle dating someone that I’m totally into. I turn into this crazy insecure idiot that I do not like. It brings out ALL of my insecurities and makes me question (and ultimately ruin) everything. You don’t believe me? Remember everyone’s favorite douchebag TD? The one who ruined my life (and blog) for more than 2 years more like 4years? The one that made me question absolutely everything about myself and what I brought to the table? The one who stole my happy from me and morphed from the most amazing man ever, to one of the worst? I know I had something to do with that. I always do. No one is ever blameless.

I just can’t handle really liking someone. NYE date is a prime example. I went out with the guy twice. I really liked him. If I didn’t get a text from him each morning or if he took too long to respond to a text of mine (according to my fucked up time frame), my mind would take over and I’d start spinning. It’s insane. It makes ME feel insane. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to do it anymore.

In the spirit of self preservation, I have decided that I can only date men that I am fairly ‘meh’ about. Guys that I like, but that I’m not 100% into. This doesn’t mean they’re not good people or unattractive, it’s just men that for whatever reason, I don’t connect with. I’m a great date with guys that I’m not all that into. I don’t second guess everything I say. I don’t worry about what they’ll think. I don’t worry if they think I’m pretty. Or if my ass looks big in these jeans. I’m just my authentic self, say what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

I have had a couple ‘meh’ dates since I moved here. I was funny and witty and charming and the guys liked me. They wanted to go out again. I agreed. Nothing has been set up yet, though. Here’s the difference: whereas I would start spinning from not hearing from a guy I like within 2 days (okay, who am I kidding, within 2 hours), I’m actually okay not hearing from them. I don’t obsess over it. My mind doesn’t create stories. My insecurities don’t come racing to the forefront. I’m okay either way hearing from them or not.

While this may sound shitty, I don’t think it is. It could be one of those things where ‘love grows’ or whatever such bullshit you read in a greeting card. I just know that for me, it’s ‘safer’ for me to not care so much. To not be so invested. To not have my mind spinning out of control. I’ve heard time and again people say that you should be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I always thought that sounded pretty sad and was a bunch of bullshit. I think that’s what I need to do though. I can’t handle it otherwise ……

Deleted …. And, What Did You Just Ask Me? May 22, 2017

I deleted my last online profile.  Again.  I also waved goodbye to Bumble.  Yes, Again.  I have neither the time nor inclination to do the online dating ‘dance’ right now.  To give you an idea, here are the last 3 interactions I’ve had with online guys:

Bachelor #1: Hi, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Going to an outdoor concert with a group of friends, You?

Bachelor #1: I’m in Costa Rica.  Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, well you win!  I hope you’re having an amazing time.  I’m going with a group of friends that I go with every year.

Bachelor #1: Do I know any of them?

Me: What the fuck?! We’ve never met, how would I know?  Uhm, I have no clue if we have any friends in common

Bachelor #1: I know, LOL

end scene……….

Bachelor #2 is the one that I met last Monday.  He texts me Friday morning to see if I was in town this weekend, as I’ve been away the past 3 weekends.  I let him know that I actually AM in town this weekend!  And then nothing …….. nice.  The most annoying part is that, just for a millisecond, I allowed myself to get a little excited that he wanted to see me again.

Bachelor #3 texts me with ‘hello beautiful’ about every 3 days while making no effort or mention of ever actually meeting.  2 days ago he sent me a flower emoji.  Today he sent me a ‘thinking of you, Grey Goose’.  I will NEVER understand the ‘penpal’ mentality of so many people online.  If I want to text one liners with someone twice a week, I can do that with friends.  Why go on a dating site if you never want to meet?

So, for now, I will stick with getting my butt in gear for that big change that I mentioned a post or two ago and not worry about men.  Or boys, as the case may be….

Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking. Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’. I’ve almost perfected it. Almost. Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things. On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing. Just some. No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man? The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met? The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet? The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck? The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet? The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again? Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened. Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine. Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there. He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What? He’s right there, on my home page! Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me. That I was his Plan B. I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh. Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened. And he told me. And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit. He apologized for being a flake. He apologized for not contacting me. He apologized for not following through. He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on. I LOVE roller coasters! Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex. The ex that I counseled him on. The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous. The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with. You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this? Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times? How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……

I Think I’m Dating A 13 Year Old Girl May 16, 2017

No, not really, but I knew that would get your attention. 😉 As is my new MO when writing a post, I justify my absence as ‘nothing interesting going on’.  This time, however, I have not written in a while because I have A LOT going on.  Big changes are in the works.  BIG.  Not ready to divulge the details as of yet, so for now, I will update you on the average 49 year old’s adventures on Bumble.  I have 3, count ’em, 3 whopping bachelors to fill you in on.

As the universe, and several select big mouthed friends have suggested (and by suggested, I mean they full on insult me and think nothing of it), I need to expand my horizons when considering men.  As I’ve explained umpteen times before, I am open to all sorts of men.  Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, cute ones, not so cute ones, quirky ones and just about every other option out there.  Oh, aside from incarcerated.  Or drug addicted.  Oh yeah, or smokers.  Sorry, not kissing an ashtray.  I really do care more about personality, kindness and intelligence more than looks.

Anywho, bachelor #1 is sweet as can be.  We have a lot of personality traits in common.  He’s smart and considerate and kind.  He also sends me at least one selfie a day.  Uhm, what?  I don’t understand that.  I don’t take, nor do I send, selfies.  As we’ve already met in person, I know what he looks like.  I can’t quite figure out the thought process behind this constant influx of selfies.  After the first couple, I responded with ‘cute’ or ‘love that shirt’.  After the 10th, I just don’t respond anymore.  It’s just weird.  I don’t know what to say.  They’re all PG, mind you, but still.  We met last Monday for cocktails and he was as cute and interesting in person as I expected him to be.  He was also every inch shorter than me that I feared.  As in six.  Six inches.  (*insert that’s what she said joke here) SIX INCHES shorter than I am.  Can’t do it.  He is almost literally half my size in every regard.  I hope he understood my ‘friend vibe’, but I fear he didn’t.  He even toasted to ‘new friends’ when we met.  That tells me he gets it.  The deluge of selfies and ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts however, does not.

Bachelor #2 I think I am going to opt out of meeting.  He too likes to send selfies.  He too is shorter than me (but only by 3 inches).  He also seems exceptionally self involved and keeps telling me how awesome a friend and person he is.  Okaaaaaay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do actually think the best of people until they prove me wrong.  I do feel that people that announce certain traits of theirs are a bit disingenuous.  Why would you announce that you’re not a player?  Why would you announce that you’re an amazing friend?  Why would you announce that you’re very protective of all your 437 female friends?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think those that feel the need to announce how amazing they are, usually aren’t.  We also have a mutual acquaintance in common.  He thinks she’s awesome.  I think she’s a complete shit-show.  I’m just not getting a good ‘feel’ for this one.

Bachelor #3 I met last night and he is every bit as handsome as I had hoped.  He’s also every bit of his 6’2″ height.  I’ll tell you more about this one as I figure it out! 🙂

Oh Universe, You Make Me Laugh….. January 30, 2017

Wasn’t sure which title to use:  When it rains it pours?  It’s raining men?  All or nothing?  Regardless of what the title is, the subject matter remains the same.  While the universe seems to be smiling on me for a change, it still likes to give me a little poke and test me.  I should be used to it by now.  And this time, darn it, I will prevail….

So I met that very nice man the other night when I was out with friends.  He took my number and being the oh so positive rendition of myself that I am this year, I hope know he will call.

I have a date set up with the one with no name for Thursday.  Although I’m not overly excited about it, I did look back on our Bumble conversations and although his usual ‘hi’ text messages of late leave much to be desired, he was witty and conversational towards the beginning.  Maybe he’s just waiting to meet to bring that side back out again.

I got a text last night from Repo Man.  He asked me out.  Finally.  Although I have been looking forward to this for months (3, to be exact), I find that I am now nervous.  Lovely.  I’ll pull it together of course before next weekend.  I made sure that he had no 3rd dates with anyone scheduled before our date as I’d actually like for us to meet this time.  I think he’s a terrific guy and I am excited to meet him.  I do need to put my overthinking self away for a bit though as I am already assuming he is lining up multiple dates for next week and I am just one in the crowd.  Like last time.  I will do my best to realize that it doesn’t matter how many women he meets; that if I’m the right one, none of the others will matter.  I do think he was texting with someone else at the same time that we were however.  Not a big fan, but then again, not my business.  Yet.

To round out my week, yesterday was one of TD’s son’s birthdays.  I saw a picture posted on the root of all evil FB of the big, festive dinner that TD, his kids, his son’s friends and the closet dwelling lunch lady were included in.  I have he and his nutbag fiance blocked on FB, but as they weren’t tagged in the photos and I am friends with his kids, it showed up on my timeline.  Thank you FB.  It looked like a fun time and for a split second I though ‘I should be there’.  Then I got over it.  Instead I took note of the fact that the closet dwelling lunch lady still has the most hideous hair ever, that TD looked liked like he has gained weight and that my stomach did not drop when I saw the photo as it has done in years gone by.  I’ll call that a win, thank you very much!

So although the universe has the dating gods finally throwing me a bone, did they have to throw 3 in the same week?

Last One December 16, 2016

Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!

Date #2; Of Blue Men & Disappointment December 2, 2016

So 007 locked down date #2 while still on date #1.  Go him!  He had paid for our original activity so I offered to pick up the check when we went to dinner.  He refused but said ‘you can get dinner next time’.  Good boy. 😉

He only gets one day off a week from his fascinating profession and it happened to coincide with a show I wanted to see, so I asked if he would be interested in going with me.  He said yes and that he would get tickets.  As the tickets were anything but cheap and it was my idea, I refused and said that I would get the tickets.  After a bit of back and forth, he finally agreed on the condition that he would pay for everything else that night.  I readily agreed.  Did I mention how expensive the tickets were?

He had already warned me that he is perpetually late.  I, in turn, warned him that one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are late.  Er……… So he picked a yummy sounding restaurant to meet and had made a reservation.  I get there 5 minutes early and tell the hostess that we have a reservation.  Normal right?  Until she asks me what name it’s under.  I say ‘007’.  She asks, ‘what’s the last name’.  Uhm……. no clue.  Not awkward at all.

I am standing there, red faced, when he walks up to save the day!  And he was early!!  Too cute that he actually had arrived 20 minutes early as he was nervous about being late.  Again, good boy!

Dinner was good.  Conversation was a bit stilted but good.  We wandered around a bit before venturing off to find our seats at the venue.  As an aside, I did a LOUSY job at picking seats!  I can never decipher those little ‘maps’ that they show on ticketmaster.  Oh well.

We still had some time before the show started and somehow we started talking about birthdays and astrological signs.  Of course, I had to google his and read what his description said.  All good and fun, but a few seemed to be pretty accurate; both good and bad.  We did the same for mine.  We both had a good laugh and it distracted me from the little boy sitting on my left who was elbowing me non stop.

The show started.  We watched.  Sadly, the show SUCKED!  What a shame.  I was so looking forward to it but it was nothing like any of their previous shows.  Boo.  Anywhoo, we suffered through it.  When it was over he walked me to my car and we hugged.  He had tried to nervously hold my hand a few times during the show, but as I didn’t really react, he never followed through.  Kinda telling on my part, but we’ll see ….. I was leaving the next day for 10 days out of town, so we said we’d ‘chat’…….

As a very odd aside, the following week, while I was still out of town, my friends and I went to giant yard sale for charity.  On one of the junk tables sat 2 wood paintings.  On each was a single astrological sign.  They were sitting side by side and the only 2 that were there.  It was 007’s sign and my sign.  So I bought them. They were hideous and not my style at all, but it was for charity, right??

 

Reality Check November 30, 2016

Before you all two think that my entire dating life has turned around and is going swimmingly, I feel the need to remind you that this is, of course, ONLINE dating, so there will always be those clueless people that make you scratch your head and wonder how they have survived so long.  Here’s just a couple while I work on my next actual date post! *oooh, the suspense*

Tilted Kilt: chatted a bit on Bumble.  Didn’t have much in common but what the hell, right?  He suggested we meet.  I agreed.  He suggested that we meet at Tilted Kilt.  I disagreed.  For those of you not having had the pleasure of experiencing a Tilted Kilt, it’s sort of an upscale Hooters.  Except that the uniforms are smaller.  Much smaller.  And the waitresses’ boobs are lifted to just about 2″ below their chin.  He didn’t understand why I wanted to go somewhere else, so I explained, simply, that I am not a guy.  Duh.  We never actually ended up meeting.  No great loss.

Clueless: to recap, on bumble the girl swipes left or right to signify interest.  If you swipe right on someone who has also swiped right, you are able to communicate.  So I swiped right.  He apparently swiped right.  I sent a quick (and boring) ‘Hi, you came up as a match today so I wanted to say hello’ blah, blah.  He writes back and the conversation goes something like this:

him: huh, I don’t remember ever seeing you before or swiping right

me: that’s very flattering

him: oh, sorry, I didn’t mean that

him again: but I don’t remember seeing you at all

me: nice of you to apologize, but then you said it again….

mutual: unmatch …

There have been a few other ‘interesting’ matches, but I will save those for another day.  Stay tuned for date #2 recap with 007!

007 November 29, 2016

So now I have the ‘what if’ in the back of my mind regarding Repo Man.  That sucks.  What ifs always measure up (in my head) better than reality.  Super.

While I was texting with Repo Man, another interesting fellow started chatting me up on Bumble.  He was funny and tall and kind and had yet another fascinating job!  2 in a row with occupations that fascinate me?  That’s crazy talk!

Anywhoo, 007 locks down a 1st date pretty quickly and as my motto is usually oh crap, another 1st date ‘why not?’ I agreed.  He was very cute about it in not wanting to tell me anything about it.  Er, you all (the 2 remaining) know that my usual MO is to meet for a drink.  No fuss, no muss & a quick escape if need be.  007, however, had a whole ‘plan’ for the evening.  Okay, I’m game.

The one hint he tells me is to ‘wear comfortable shoes and bring rubber bands’.  Uhm, what?  I can’t decide if this is cute or just creepy and heaven knows I hate not being able to figure something out.  Is he going to drop me in the desert and make me follow a tracked course out?  Is he going to rubber band my mouth shut so I can’t entertain him with my snarky humor?  Is he going to spend the evening doing that annoyingly painful rubber band flicking thing?  I was so ridiculously confused by this that I actually googled ‘comfortable shoes and rubber bands’ to try and figure it out.  That was absolutely no help as it just took me to running shoe websites.  Damn.

The day of arrives and he finally tells me where we’re going but NOT why on earth I need to bring rubber bands.  Colored ones, you know.  I show up to where we are meeting complete with colored rubber bands and a suspicious attitude. He shows up (5 minutes late) and has a great big smile on his face!  He’s just a HAPPY good guy!  We had a great time talking and walking and learning about one another.  He’s very easy to talk to.  I’m just not sure that the chemistry is there.  We went to dinner after (look at me breaking all my rules!) and he locked down date #2.  I loved that.  No “will he or won’t he” internal monologue.

He picked up the check for both activities and we hugged goodbye.  There was a date #2 …. but I’ll tell you about that later.

Oh, and those rubber bands?  We made bracelets out of them!  How cute is that?!

Repo Man November 28, 2016

So one of the 1st men that I communicate with on Bumble (my new favorite hobby) is this darling guy that seems, at 1st, kinda nervous but also seems uber sweet in our communications.  I actually gave him my phone number so that we could text off of the app, which I don’t do all that much anymore.  I was pretty sure that he would not take advantage of my trust and send me a dick pic (which, at the ripe old age of 49, and years of online dating, I still haven’t been the recipient of) and he didn’t let me down.

We texted for several days and made plans to meet up.  As the universe likes to play tricks on me, it happened to be an uber busy work week for me, so I couldn’t meet until the following weekend.  He was fine with that and we kept chatting.

He sent me the sweetest message a few days before our scheduled meet date that he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner as I deserved to be waited on and wanted to know if Friday or Sunday would work best for me.  I chose Sunday.  Although it’s against my better judgement to meet for a meal at 1st (no quick get away), I really kind of liked this guy.  He had a darling personality, was very polite and it didn’t hurt that he’s cute as hell (at least in the pictures that I saw and that he sent).

I apologized for delaying our meeting so long (probably 2 weeks since we decided to actually meet up) and he said he totally understood as he’s self employed as well and knows how it goes.  Btw, I find his job kinda fascinating and was looking forward to talking to him about it.  Actually, I was looking forward to everything about meeting him.  You well know that doesn’t happen often either!

The day before we were to meet, on Saturday, he send a text that says ‘hi’.  Uh oh.  That’s not good.  He always sent long, interesting and entertaining text messages.  He proceeds to send that he really was looking forward to meeting me, but in the 2 weeks that I made him wait to meet me, he met someone else and since their 3rd date the night before ‘went really well’ (we all know what that means), he didn’t feel right about meeting me.  Damn, I missed getting myself in there under the 3rd date deadline with the mystery woman.  Guess I should have chosen Friday night instead of Sunday….

I wrote back that I was happy that he met someone that he liked, that I would never begrudge anyone for finding happiness, and that he knew where to find me if things didn’t work out with her.  I wrote that while I was happy for him, I was sad for me as I was looking forward to meeting him, but that I admired his honesty and I hoped that someone would do the same for me. He seemed a bit shocked and amazed that I was so cool and understanding about it.  Uh, are most online dating women not?

We chatted a while longer and he kinda debated meeting me anyway, but I don’t want to be ‘THAT’ girl, so I wished him well.  He wrote me the next day saying that, for what it’s worth, he thought about me a lot that day.  Uhm, don’t do that….

He checked in the week following to see if ‘someone had snatched me up yet’ (amazingly no!) and we chatted for a bit.  Solidifying that I really could have liked this guy (especially since the appeal of an unavailable man seems to attract me).  Alas, that was over 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since.  I thought about wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving, but opted not to.  I guess things are working out well for he and date #3 gal.

Darn. 😉 Is it bad for me to hope that the current gal doesn’t work out?  While I wait, I guess it’s onto the next …………….

 

Gardens, Bees & Graduations November 17, 2016

I know it’s been a while when I can’t remember my password.  Or the name of my blog.  Or the fact that I’ve been at this for eons.  Early onset senility sucks.  I don’t recommend it.  Here’s a little catch up on what’s been going on in my world the past couple of months.  Try to contain your excitement…….

1) Ran into TD.  Yey me.  I went to his daughter’s presentation for a course she was taking.  It was mid day & mid week.  I hoped I’d get lucky in my timing as I was just going to pop by for a couple of minutes at the very beginning and then run for the hills.   As I stood speaking with his daughter I suddenly felt the atmospheric pressure plummet and see, out of the corner of my eye, that although there was an entire room to stand in, he parks himself right beside me.  Super.  Being the mature & evolved individual that I am, I act like I don’t see him and keep talking.  Taking the hint, he wanders off.  Oh wait, that’s not what happened at all.  He continued to stand there for a good 5 minutes never saying a word.  I finally turn to him and he says ‘oh, I had no idea it was you’.  *sigh*  Really?  Because there are so many 5’10” blondes that would  be speaking to your daughter at her graduation?  I suck it up and say hello.  And he proceeds to stand there not saying a word.  Yeah, we’re done here…..Thank goodness that wasn’t awkward at all *insert sarcasm here*

2) There’s a new dating app!  Well, it’s new to me at least.  It’s called Bumble and has a pretty cool premise.  You swipe left and right on profiles ala Tinder (without the implied sluttiness).  A right swipe means you likee.  A left swipe, well, not so much.  If the man has swiped right on you as well, then you get notified.  Now here’s the great part: it’s up to the woman to make the 1st move.  Guys cannot contact you 1st!  That’s right people, none of the lovely options from yester-year (the old men, young kids, santa look alikes an other unsavories) cannot contact me!  Better yet, the majority of the guys seem normal.  Ish.

In a highly unscientific mathematical algorithm ,  I would say I match with 50% of those I swipe right on.  Of that 50%, a good 85% of the ones that I choose to contact write back!  Of course there are still plenty of socially awkward and highly inappropriate men on there (that’s half the *ahem* fun of online dating, right?), but for the most part there are some normal ones too!  Oh, how my standards have plummeted.

Here’s a quick rundown of some gents that I owe you all (the 2 of you that have stuck with me through the years) an update on:

1. Repo Man
2. 007
3. Tilted Kilt
4. Mr. Polo (as in horse and mallet, not shirt)
5. Car Salesman
6. Assorted Men I’ve Seen On Every Other Site Who Are Still Using The Same Pic From 5 Years Ago

Well, that’s all I have time for right now!  I promise (well, as much as I hold to any promise regarding this blog) to try and do better.  I owe it to the 2 of you that actually still care. 😉 And I know you want to know if I’ve actually been on any dates with these gents.  Here’s a hint: I have!  Stay tuned……… xoxoxo

Facebook Reveals August 25, 2016

I always joke that I thought Facebook is the root of all evil.  Now I’m pretty certain that it IS!  Did you know that if someone who is NOT your friend sends you a message on there that it gets put in some top-secret hidden file and you never get a notification?  Neither did I.  Until last night when I happened upon it by accident.  I mean a serious accident, as today I can’t even remember how to get back to it.

Awaiting me inside this top-secret file were messages from people dating back 5 years!  WTF Facebook?! One of which, dated in 2012, was from an ex of TD.  You remember TD, right?  The man who I convinced myself was ‘my one’.  The one that convinced me that I was his ‘one’ for all of a week.  The one that lead me on for more than a year?  The one that inspired several years of self-doubt, angst, sadness, tears and more than any reader’s share of whiney, woe-is-me posts?  Yeah, that one.

So I find this message and know exactly who it’s from.  I read it.  It was lengthy and well thought out.  I believe it was written in the spirit of warning me and hoping that I wouldn’t put myself through what he put her through (when actually I put myself through years when she was smart enough to leave after 2 months).  It was detailed and full of fun facts.  Of course, by fun facts I mean really insulting and humiliating things that TD had told her (and presumably many others) about me.  How there was never anything romantic between us.  How he only kept me as a ‘friend’ because I was ‘needy’ and he felt bad telling me to go away.  How the summer he invited me to vacation for a week with his kids and he, that he really didn’t invite me, but I just sort of showed up last-minute (funny, that’s what he told me about her).  It illustrated his deceit and misogyny.  And sort of broke my heart all over again that he really did speak so disrepectfully and dishonestly about me.  Everything she told me ‘fit’.  I believe it all to be true.

I defended this man for years and made more excuses for him than anyone deserves.  It took me YEARS to get to where I am now regarding him (which still wasn’t 100% but was a shit-ton better than it was).  To read confirmation of some of my biggest fears regarding him was surreal.  To read it 4 years late was heartbreaking.  For me, my friends, you and basically anyone who had to deal with my incessant whining and descent into annoyance over the years.

Can you imagine where I’d be today if I had actually known about and read this message 4 years ago when it was written?!?!  How many years of self doubt, questioning, angst, sadness, neurosis and all around craptasticness could have been avoided?  Yeah, me either.

Fuck you Facebook.  Fuck you.

Oh, and fuck you too TD.  I hope karma kicks your ass!

 

Guilty Conscience November 16, 2010

Alright, alright, I’ve been keeping a secret.  As we’re all friends here (all 3 of us), I wanted to come clean.  Now, before you all get your collective panties in a wad, this is no great secret and I wasn’t going to say anything as I doubt it will come to anything and then I thought, uh, hello dumbass (me) isn’t this why you have this blog in the 1st place?  To entertain everyone with my craptastically bad luck (and less than stellar dating style)! 

So I have been exchanging highly lame and overly boring e mails with someone from *gasp* Match.  He seems nice enough and claims not to be much of an e-mailer, so he sent me his number last night to call him.  Guess what I did?  Go ahead – guess!  Yeah, nothing  ……. you see, I am sort of in love with another right now ……… i just got a new phone, a smart-phone!  A phone MUCH smarter than I could ever hope to be, so I pretty much don’t even know how to answer it at this point, but I digress …

Anyway, as I was playing with my new beloved and attempting to watch U-Tube videos of my new most favorite comedian 😉 I remembered that I told ‘him’ that I’d call tonight so did.  Uh, yeah, he answers VERY suspiciously, like he thought I was going to be a telemarketer or something!  Okay, so here’s how the convo goes:

him: *nervously* hello?

me: hi, it’s me, from match (makes me sound like an even bigger loser than i already am)

him: oh, uh, uh, can I call you back?

me: sure no problem

click ………

Went well, doncha think? Then he sends me a text, very romantic, that says ‘Hey girl, sorry about that, my manager is chewing everyone out’ …. uhm???? Okay, it’s 8:40pm, so I’m wondering which retail establishment or Fry’s Superstore he’s working at for one, and then I wonder what sort of individual refers to someone they haven’t even met as ‘hey girl’ …… of course, i pulled out my internet douche-bag to english dictionary to find out that he probably doesn’t even remember my name from the phone call held 2.7 minutes before ……. ahhhh, i’m feelin’ special now! 

Huh, wonder if I can think of a reason to go back to the car dealership tomorrow?

Oh goody ~ here’s your update on the latest text : “I want to talk to you.  We have a meeting at 5:45 tomorrow and of course……guys are screwing up, and we get chewed” …………. yeah, i’m losing interest quickly.  Is it bad that the best I can think of at this point is that at least none of the words in his text messages were misspelled?

And Then There Were 3 ….. November 7, 2010

Okay folks, last update before I go sailing away (hopefully surrounded by randy crew members – oh, sorry, cute randy crew members).

Hearts & Flowers guy who blocked me ~ uh, didn’t actually block me & is still sending me very sweet and girly sentimental e-mails.  He’s sent me his personal e mail as well as his phone number – big deal.  Still think he’s a bit too esoteric for me, but he lives in CO anyway, so who really cares.  Oh, and his last e mail to me asked me about my spiritual beliefs (which are few and far between) and if I believed in past lives … yikes!  ……

Attorney Guy who can’t type ~ sent him an e mail this morning letting him know that I had no clue what to make of him as he seemed not to answer any of my questions and his e-mails make very little sense.  Then add the whole, lost my phone AND had my e mail hacked thing ….. He sent back that he totally understands my trepidation but to PLEASE give him a chance ……. uh ……… yup, i have his personal e mail and phone number as well ……. yet I still can’t figure out why he looks so familiar …….

New guy ~ writer from Australia ~ amazing sense of humor!  so ironic & funny!  not sure he’s my type, but hell, at the very least, he’ll be fun to hang out with.  And yes, I have his personal e mail and phone number as well.

As I leave tonight for the week, I really don’t have to bother with any of these potential future tools 😉 right now.  When I get back, however, it seems I have a shitpot of phone numbers waiting for me.  LMAO!  And we all know what can happen in 7 days! 😉

–

* update on Hearts & Flowers ~ uh, he’s been e mailing me all day and has started calling me ‘dearest’ and ‘sweetheart’ … I, in turn, have started calling him ‘creepy creeperson’ ……. but only behind his back, of course 😉 Oh,and he does numerology and shit (big surprise) and wants not only my full name, but my birthday as well …. sure thing random internet dude, how about if I just throw in my social security number & home address while I’m at it!