Changing Mindsets May 11, 2021

Apparently easier said than done. I am still having some issues with my ego/pride/whatever with the whole Mr. OoT thing. I am trying my best to change all the ‘what ifs’, ‘why not mes’ and replaying our past over and over while overthinking the entire shitshow to more positive and Grey-Centric thoughts. More positivity, more empowering, more trust in the universe. I’m loaded up on crystals and stones, Stuart Smalley affirmations and screenshots of every meme I come across that has anything remotely to do with narcissism, codependency, trauma bonds, empaths.

Who knew I’d kinda suck at this? Oh yeah, most of us. Darn it. I remember a movie with Gwynneth Paltrow (no clue how she spells her name) and Ben Affleck (again, no clue how he spells his name) titled something like Closing Doors or Switching Doors or honestly, I have no clue. I didn’t see the movie but think it was all about how different your life would be if you made just one decision differently. Headed in an opposite direction. Took a right instead of a left. Took a leap of faith. Ran instead of walked. Not sure if this is even what the movie was about but that’s what this post is about.

I am the decider of my future. My decisions effect my future. No one else’s. While I realize that this isn’t 100% true in the literal sense, I need to worry less about what others are thinking and doing and realize that I am in charge of my own happiness. I KNOW that Mr. OoT was bad for me. I just can’t figure out why I can’t get my thoughts/heart in alignment with this. Unless I figure this out, I am destined to repeat this pattern and damn, that’s just no good for anyone! Those of you that were with me thru the years of TD angst will agree whole heartedly. 😉

As desperate times call for desperate measures, I have done what I have always made fun of others for doing. I ordered some self help books. Yes, feel free to unfollow/unfriend me. I have always felt that everyone should be able to figure their own shit out. At least I’ve always felt that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I am having some challenges this time around and have realized that I have a pretty destructive pattern. That’s entirely my doing and no one else’s. I can almost pinpoint it back to when it started but as I am the creator of my reality and I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I need to figure this shit out. I am trying to figure out why I hold on for long and so tightly. Why I feel I need to ‘fix’ others. Why I (almost always) put others’ best interests before my own. Why I give people so many chances.

If you all knew me in college, you would ask who the hell I am these days. I often joke that my ‘luck’ in romance is karma kicking my ass for all the fun I had when I was younger. I WAS in charge of it all. My feelings, my lack of attachment, my ability to detach when needed, my ability to attract just about everyone; friends, boyfriends, allies, enemies. Ha, I never had enemies. Well, unless you count that one crazy girl who threw a drink in my face at a bar once. I probably kissed a guy she liked. Who knows.

Anywhoo, the buck stops here. I AM a good person. I DO deserve love. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I DO deserve to be happy. I promise to be back with less angst and more dating stories. As of right now, the only dating stories I have are that of my BFF. She’s quite the hot ticket in town. 😉 Good for her. Beware though, I’m coming for you …… ❤

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I May Need Longer Arms April 13, 2021

We all (yes, all 2 of us) know my affinity for bad decisions all things woo woo. My senile memory will never remember what everything stands for or the metaphysical properties of them, but I love me some stones and crystals. I wear balancing stones. Stones that help with alignment and self awareness and calmness and trusting and whatever else I feel I need help with. I lean towards the ridiculously self aware, self critical and overthinking. I wear Rose Quartz and Tiger’s Eye, Dalmation Jasper, Amethyst, Howlite, Clear Quartz and other healing stones. One that I have recently added and is apparently MUCH needed in response to my ridiculous reaction to the news of Mr. OoT and his impending nuptials (June 12th for those that would like to mark their calendars for this auspicious occasion) is Citrine. I am not a fan of yellow. I am blonde and have always found yellow anything to make me look jaundiced. Apparently Citrine and the color yellow are good for self love and self confidence. Apparently I am lacking in both regards. *insert collective ‘no shit’*

There is no other explanation for spending more than 12.5 seconds pondering ‘why not me’ when it comes to Mr. OoT. I read back on all my old blog posts, I read through all my saved text messages where he picked a million fights with me for no reason, always put himself 1st and said the most awful and hurtful things to me when he was angry with me (which was often). I am 53 fucking years old. How on earth can all my common sense fly out the window when it comes to and came to him? Gah I’m annoying to myself (and all those around me).

Anywhoo, although I know you’re not supposed to pair more than a few stones at a time, I have literally loaded up! I wear 7 different stones on a chain around my neck. I now wear 6 different beaded bracelets. I’ve always loved me some accessories and I am very well weighted down at the moment. I like them and they make me happy, so who cares.

So, back to The Wedding, which Mr. OoT has actually told his favorite sister (who HATES the bride to be and I couldn’t love her more for it) ‘you’re invited, don’t come’. What the ever living fuck? Who invites and dis-invites someone in the same breath? So weird. So the wedding which every single member of his super large family is against takes place June 12th. Know what happens that same week? The OoT family reunion which I was and still am invited to. I kinda hate Mr. OoT, but I truly adore his family (3 sisters, 3 brothers, 1 amazing dad, dozens of nieces and nephews) and they love me. I’m still invited. I still plan on going. I think. I have 2 months to get my head on straight and be able to enjoy everyone while ignoring/not caring about Mr. OoT and his new frumpy as hell bride. The family has rented a huge house on a lake near a national park about 7 hours from me with plenty of room for everyone. The reunion is in celebration of their dad’s 74th (I think) birthday. I’ve written about Mr. OoT’s dad before. He is one of the kindest, most amazing men ever. He sees Mr. OoT for who he is and has told me many times that he hopes that I stay a part of his family. That he couldn’t love me more than one of his own kids or daughter’s in law. Super sweet. We stay in touch and I drove to his town to take him to lunch a few weeks ago when I returned from my winter escape.

Most of his sisters have checked in on me. One of his ex wives has left a sweet comment on a post of mine. His daughter and I enjoy joking about the shit-show in the making. This could be a very healing trip for me or a very self destructive one. My love of his family is something separate than whatever it is or ever was that I felt for Mr. OoT. He rarely shows up to family events anyway and honestly, most of the family has flat out told me that they would happily dis-invite him to any family event if it made me feel uncomfortable. While I would never ask them to do that, the thought does make me smile.

I guess I’ll see how I feel about all of this in about 8 weeks. Oh, and as a reward for the 2 of you that are left still reading this and busily shaking your heads and rolling your eyes at me, here’s a little gift. I’m doing okay. I’ve been making myself go out more and not wallow. Oh, and I’m back on Bumble. And have a date on Friday. You’re welcome 😉