The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come…. September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:47 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

The apology you deserve. The explanation you hoped for. The clarification you needed.  And you know what? That’s okay.

In a year that has been less than stellar for OH SO MANY reasons (I have a plethora of unpublished drafts from this year; and last for that matter), one long awaited positive has come about. I am done with Mr. OoT. Yes, finally. Yes, for real. No really. It’s been 6 weeks since our unnecessarily dramatic breakup. 6 weeks since he told me to (and I quote) “get the fuck out of his life and never speak to his family again”. While I absolutely did the 1st, he can fuck off if he thinks I’ll follow the 2nd.

It was so weird (and by weird, I mean super shitty) how things ended up playing out. We had taken a road trip to see his daughter’s family. Mr. OoT and I had gotten in an argument a few days prior where he threw something exceedingly personal that I trusted him with back in my face. I hadn’t yet forgiven him and wasn’t actually/finally sure that I could or would.

Mr. OoT was SUPER cold to me the entire trip and visit. He was his usual self involved narcissistic self. It was weird/sad/embarrassing/horrifying seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes. His entire family knows exactly who he is and what he’s capable of, so it was no surprise to them when or how it came about. Anyway, seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes was, frankly, embarrassing. Sure, Mr. OoT could be kind and charming and generous and chivalrous and complimentary and amazing when he wanted. He just didn’t want to. With me. Anymore.

I was basically a non entity in our relationship. Everything was always about him and I was (finally) tired of it. I had gone for a drive alone the day before we were set to leave. When I got back to the house I asked Mr. OoT if he wanted to stay an extra day as his daughter and her husband were disappointed that we were leaving the next day. His response to me was that he didn’t want to spend one more second with me than he had to and that he had been miserable every day for the last 6 months. Uhm, what the fuck?!

I have no clue what, exactly, had set him off on that particular day but I told him he either needed to apologize or he could find his own way home (500+ miles away). He opted to “double down” and throw in a few more scathing comments instead. So I did it. I left him there.

It took two and a half overly stressful and self confidence crushing years for me to come to this one conclusion. I DO matter. I SHOULD count. I DESERVE someone who makes me a priority at least part of the time.

I’m not going to lie, I cried most of those 500 solitary miles home. We have blocked each other on social media and have had zero contact (well, aside from that amazingly ill timed funeral thing that following week). Have I missed him? Yes. Have I missed having someone? Yes. Have I wanted to reach out? Also yes. Have I? No. And I’m not going to. I deserve better. I deserve respect and kindness and understanding and romance and butterflies. I deserve someone who will be kind to me even when I’m being a bitch. Someone who won’t hold our relationship for ransom. Someone who will still care when I am exhausted and have nothing to give. I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make everything about him and on his terms; According to what he feels I deserve or have earned at that particular moment.

In these past 2 1/2 years we have fought countless times. Have broken up often. Have gotten back together way too much. He has called me horrible names and ignored my feelings. He has tuned me out more times than I can count. He has violated trusts. I’m self aware enough to realize I’m no picnic to be with, but even at my worst, I deserve unconditional love and kindness.

In the end though it was none of those things (or maybe it was all of those things) that finally had me walk away. I just knew I’d never be able to count on him when it mattered most. I was with a man who actually made me feel lonely and as if I didn’t matter. I don’t want to be lonely WITH someone. No one should be.

And thus, my friends who have waited for 2 1/2 infuriating years for me to finally listen to everyone and move on; I have. For my own feeling of self worth. For my own happiness. And, of course, for my horrifying stories of online dating. You’re welcome. ūüėČ


Dinner …… and Not In Arkansas March 7, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:34 pm
Tags: , , ,

So Arkansas is still bugging me.¬† I say ‘bugging’ instead of wooing or pursuing me as it’s just downright annoying at this point.¬† I think it’s been two weeks of his incessant text messages and yet, thanks to his craptastic night schedule and my uber busy day schedule, we have not yet met.¬† I find it entirely endearing when a man I’ve met and like texts me non stop.¬† I find it hugely annoying when a man I haven’t yet met and am not all that excited about meeting does.¬† We finally coordinated plans to meet for lunch tomorrow.¬† This is after my having to cancel last week and his having to cancel today.¬† He’s now decided that he’s going to let his son skip school tomorrow so they can ‘hang out together all day’.¬† Uhm, is that an Arkansas thing?¬† That parents just randomly take their grade school aged kids out of class to ‘hang out’ instead?¬† No bueno in my book.¬† It’s not even his birthday.¬† Or a holiday.¬† Just a random Friday.¬† Needless to say, he cancelled for tomorrow and wanted to see (this morning) if we could still meet today.¬† Uh, NO.¬† I opted out of responding.¬† His last message to me was asking if I could do lunch on Sunday.¬† My one day off.¬† Guess what my response was?¬† Well, I’ll let you know should I opt to respond.¬† Let this be a warning all you male online daters ……. texting forever without actually meeting gets boring!¬† I think it’s one of the quickest ways for someone to lose interest.¬† Either make plans and stick to them (and that does not mean invite said woman out for drinks ‘after work’ (1am) for a 1st meeting ……. unless you’re 24……. and she’s a moron).¬† Just sayin’.

Enough of that.¬† Remember TD’s son that invited me to go out to dinner with he and his girlfriend ’cause he missed me?¬† Remember how TD put the kibosh on that?¬† As I really wanted to see the kids and the only way I was going to be able to do that without either TD or TD’s ex wife’s respective heads exploding would be to have TD be there as well.¬† Yey.¬† Not really.¬† It was decided that I would come to their house and make dinner.¬† I actually miss cooking for them.¬† TD is a horrible cook as is their mother, so I’m happy to provide them with a yummy meal.¬† So it was TD, TD’s son, TD’s son’s girlfriend, TD’s daughter and her friend.¬† Oh, and me.¬† And it was a pretty good night.¬† I got there around 3 and TD was still working in his home office so I hung out with the kids.¬† His daughter was making bread in the bread machine I got her for Christmas which made me really happy because a) that means she likes it b) i’ve never seen how one works c) I’m pretty sure she opted to make bread so that I would know that she liked the gift I gave her.¬† And I love her for that.¬† I was also glad that TD’s son’s girlfriend was there.¬† She and TD don’t get along.¬† Yes, you read that correctly, TD does not get along with a 16 year old girl.¬† He doesn’t think she’s ‘right’ for his son and tends to hold a grudge.¬† I’ve always been the go between in everything.¬† While I agree that she’s not right for his son, she has some good qualities and until C decides for himself that she’s not ‘the one’, then it’s best that everyone just try to get along.¬† So here we all were, the 6 of us, one big happy family.¬† Ha.¬† We talked and laughed and caught up.¬† We all had dinner, laughed some more and then cleaned the kitchen together.¬† At one time or another during dinner every single child there (yes, including the girlfriend and the friend) said that they had missed me and that it had been too long since they’d seen me.¬† Wow.¬† While hugely sweet of them to say and while I couldn’t agree more, what the hell was I supposed to say?¬† I told them all that I missed them.¬† And that it was TD’s fault that I had been banned from the house and their lives for the past 3 months.

After dinner we all played a game of LIFE (I’ve never played that game before ……. I totally lost …….. huh, how fitting) and then watched a movie.¬† I truly thought I would just make dinner, get to talk to everyone and then leave.¬† I was surprised that I got invited to stay for a movie as well.¬† All in all I was there @ 7 hours.¬† Which seemed like 1.¬† TD and I were fine together.¬† No real awkwardness as he annoyed regaled me with stories of all his dates and all about how he knows that he and CDLL aren’t over yet *gag*.¬† The kids and I were great together.¬† I miss being with all of them but will never again allow TD to have any sort of a hold on my heart.¬† I am trying my best to figure out if I could even ever want to be friends with him, but I honestly don’t know.¬† We have such a history, but the past 3 months never should have happened.¬† Words were said on both our sides that can never be taken back.¬† A once great friendship was ruined.¬† Possibly beyond repair.¬† I doubt I’ll ever forgive him…..

Anyway, it was a pleasant evening.¬† TD and his son walked me out to my car after the movie and after a cordial ‘goodbye and thanks for dinner’, TD went back in.¬† His son did not.¬† I could tell he wanted to talk to me about something.¬† And I was right.¬† He asked how ‘things went’ tonight.¬† Why I haven’t been around.¬† How he hoped that I and his dad were ‘okay’ with each other because he was concerned about all the tension between us in the few times that we’ve seen each other in the past few months.¬† It broke my heart.¬† He asked if I was going to be at his basketball game on Monday.¬† And if I was coming over again over the weekend.¬† And all I could say was that I didn’t know.¬† That his dad and I were trying to figure out if we could be friends again, but that it was nothing for him to worry about.¬† I told him that I loved he and his sister and would never choose to be away from them, but that things were complicated and that there were apparently pressures from many different angles and people for TD not to be friends with me.¬† That it’s not ‘right’.¬† I certainly didn’t tell him that his mom is one of those people, but it truly made me sad not to be able to just say ‘sure’! when he invited me somewhere.¬† I know he misses me and wants me back in his life.¬† I’m damn good for those kids.¬† I’m stunned that a 16 year old boy could be so compassionate and thoughtful.¬† I know he wants me around more.¬† He dropped so many hints before, during and after dinner regarding things that I had said in the past that we could all do together.¬† None went without notice by me.¬† All went without notice by TD.

I really don’t have any idea how involved I can/want to be in their lives again.¬† I do not forgive TD.¬† Sure, I will always know all the wonderful qualities that he possesses and think that someone one of these days is going to be very lucky to have him (should the closet dweller not lock him away in her attic), but he broke just about every code of friendship.¬† Truth be told, I probably did too, but it is what it is and the past can’t be changed.¬† It was just nice to know that we could all get together, maybe the first of many, probably the one and only …. and have a good time.¬† His kids are amazing.¬† They love me and I love them.¬† And that’s that.


Why Dinner Dates Are Bad August 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:03 am
Tags: , , , ,

So we’re all familiar with my 5 second rule in judging (yes, I do judge people, don’t act surprised) whether or not I am attracted to someone.¬† Or will ever be.¬† Well 5 seconds was more than enough time to decide that Mr. Wink wasn’t ‘the one’ (or even the 1,000th). You have no idea of the pain that I subjected myself too in order to NOT rack up too many karmic demerits last night.¬†

I arrive at the restaurant to look for the 6’1″ ‘about average’ in build, nice smile having, computer guy.¬† What I am met by is a 6’1″, possibly 98 lb (soaking wet), nearly transparent guy with some sort of a¬†nervous tick going on.¬† No clue if any of you are fans of 80s music, but if so, remember the band Midnight Oil?¬† Remember the lead singer of Midnight Oil?¬† The kinda creepy yet kinda sexy guy.¬† Yeah subtract about 100 lbs and any trace of sex appeal¬†from him and you’ve got my own personal stick figure of a date. Damn.

We sit down and he proceeds to talk.¬† And talk.¬† And talk.¬† A half hour goes by, the waitress has come over 3 times already to take our order and he still hasn’t cracked the menu.¬† Being as I’m all for efficiency (and getting the hell out of there as quickly as possible), I interrupt his gripping story about how he doesn’t go to Mexico anymore because it is ‘dirty’ to ask him what he likes at the¬† particularly¬†crappy Mexican restaurant that he chose.¬† He doesn’t pick up my none too subtle hint and keeps rambling on.¬† After another 10 minutes or so, I interrupt¬†his story about how ‘dirty’ he thinks Jamaica is to tell him that he should really decide as a larger party was being seated and we wanted to get our order in before them.¬† Duh, finally.¬† So he’s not picking up on the fact that I am looking straight over his head while he talks and only responding with ‘uh-huhs’ or ‘that’s funny’ (when it wasn’t).¬† He proceeds to tell me how dirty he thinks New York is as well as Los Angeles.¬† Okay, so while skinny guy is making it more than clear that he’s either some sort of a¬†germaphobe¬†or just a judgy asshole, I am contemplating faking my own death.¬† As the knives weren’t very sharp, I was left to just bide my time and hope that I miraculously spontaneously combusted. Every question he asked me I answered with one word.¬† Every stance he took on anything, I took the opposing view.¬† Every time he said he liked something, I said I hated it.¬† And yet, I never saw that lightbulb of recognition go off over his head.

I practically inhaled my dinner once it arrived and he took his own sweet time with his.¬† I began playing with the food remnants on my plate.¬† I began breaking chips in the basket.¬† I tried everything that your run of the mill toddler might do in order to try to annoy and bring a swift end to the date.¬† NOPE.¬† Apparently one of us was having a good time and it certainly wasn’t me.¬† After dinner he excused himself to the restroom (I can only assume to throw up his dinner), but I have never wished so hard that I was being ditched and left with the bill.¬† I swear, I really hoped for that.¬† Darn it all, he came back.¬† And he¬†continued asking me questions.¬† Really?¬† By this time I had put in my hour and a half and was tired of looking at his bald head and dumbo-esque¬†ears, so I asked him if I could split the bill with him.¬† And he said yes.¬† WTF?¬† Anyway, it was a price I was more than willing to pay in order to escape.¬† He then backtracked and said I could just pay the tip.¬† Yey.¬† As he’s signing his cc receipt, he says ‘well, I had a really great time and ……….’ and I cut in with ‘yes, it was nice meeting you as well’.¬† I swear, it was like I heard angels singing as the realization that I was not interested in him (in the least) finally set in.¬†

We left, he walked behind me out to the parking lot, I walked straight to my car and hopped in.¬† I have never hoped in my life for someone to be less attracted to me or my craptastic¬†display of bad manners and shitty personality.¬† Eh, I guess when you’re a garbage man, things like that don’t matter.¬† Oh wait, did I forget to tell you?¬† He’s not in ‘computers’ as his profile states, he drives a garbage truck.¬† And has for 18 years.¬† Now while I really don’t care what someone does for a living, I do care when they lie about it.¬† And if they do have a crappy job, then they better be damn hot!¬† He wasn’t ……….. end of story.

Yup, take about 100 lbs away and this was my date....... jealous?