The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Dating Down January 29, 2018

Now, before anyone jumps my shit, take a deep breath and just read. Dating down has many connotations. Most of them negative. It implies that you’re better than someone else. That they aren’t as worthy. That they aren’t up to your standards. That is NOT what I am referring to. I don’t look down on others. Well, I do, but not my brave online dates, and if it happens, they usually deserve it for being a shitty human being.

I’m not a shitty person. As a matter of fact, I’m a damn good person. A damn good person who’s a pretty good catch. A damn good person who doesn’t need anyone else’s money. A damn good person who doesn’t care what a person has, but instead cares about who they are as person. A damn good person with some pretty significant insecurities. A damn good person who often hides these insecurities under a thick layer of self deprecation, humor and sarcasm. I’m nothing if not self aware. I know I can be an idiot a lot sometimes. I know at times that I have the emotional maturity of a petulant 7 year old. I own it though. I own it all. All my shit that is tied up in nice little compartments with decorative bows.

Dating down has nothing to do with looks or character or wealth or height or weight or anything that you can put your finger on. It has to do with me owning my shit. It has been proven time and time again that I cannot handle dating someone that I’m totally into. I turn into this crazy insecure idiot that I do not like. It brings out ALL of my insecurities and makes me question (and ultimately ruin) everything. You don’t believe me? Remember everyone’s favorite douchebag TD? The one who ruined my life (and blog) for more than 2 years more like 4years? The one that made me question absolutely everything about myself and what I brought to the table? The one who stole my happy from me and morphed from the most amazing man ever, to one of the worst? I know I had something to do with that. I always do. No one is ever blameless.

I just can’t handle really liking someone. NYE date is a prime example. I went out with the guy twice. I really liked him. If I didn’t get a text from him each morning or if he took too long to respond to a text of mine (according to my fucked up time frame), my mind would take over and I’d start spinning. It’s insane. It makes ME feel insane. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to do it anymore.

In the spirit of self preservation, I have decided that I can only date men that I am fairly ‘meh’ about. Guys that I like, but that I’m not 100% into. This doesn’t mean they’re not good people or unattractive, it’s just men that for whatever reason, I don’t connect with. I’m a great date with guys that I’m not all that into. I don’t second guess everything I say. I don’t worry about what they’ll think. I don’t worry if they think I’m pretty. Or if my ass looks big in these jeans. I’m just my authentic self, say what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

I have had a couple ‘meh’ dates since I moved here. I was funny and witty and charming and the guys liked me. They wanted to go out again. I agreed. Nothing has been set up yet, though. Here’s the difference: whereas I would start spinning from not hearing from a guy I like within 2 days (okay, who am I kidding, within 2 hours), I’m actually okay not hearing from them. I don’t obsess over it. My mind doesn’t create stories. My insecurities don’t come racing to the forefront. I’m okay either way hearing from them or not.

While this may sound shitty, I don’t think it is. It could be one of those things where ‘love grows’ or whatever such bullshit you read in a greeting card. I just know that for me, it’s ‘safer’ for me to not care so much. To not be so invested. To not have my mind spinning out of control. I’ve heard time and again people say that you should be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I always thought that sounded pretty sad and was a bunch of bullshit. I think that’s what I need to do though. I can’t handle it otherwise ……

 

And, Behind Door #3 ……. December 18, 2016

Yey!  An online dating game show.  Nah, more like online dating shitshow ….. So, I was at the vet’s office the other day and chatting with my friend/vet (well, he’s not MY vet, he’s my dogs’ … duh) and he loves when I regale him with my dating fiascos stories.  He said to me, when I mentioned that I was planning a vacation away, and I quote, how ‘lucky I am to be single’.  He, obviously, is not.  So funny how different perceptions are.  Anyway, I told him to piss off and left. 😉

So I’m at home tonight (big surprise) and my text message alert goes off.  Obviously I assume it’s my new bi-coastal, presumed married guy who keeps texting me.  Just once per day, when he accesses his fake phone number via his laptop, with details on his next upcoming trip.  I’m so lucky.  Not.

When I check my phone however, I am pleasantly surprised to see that it’s Repo Man .  I haven’t heard from him in what?  A month?  I have thought about texting him several times, but didn’t think that would be ‘fair’ to the gal he is seeing.  Then I figured, well, dating hasn’t been ‘fair’ to me, so who gives a shit?  Oh, that’s right.  I do.  Just because the universe keeps sending douchebags my way doesn’t mean that I have to be one.  Anyway, it was a cute message complimenting me on a new pic I put up on Bumble a couple of weeks ago.  A new pic that I put up with the absolute hope that he would see it.  Weird, right?  He was checking in to see how the lovely world of dating was going for me.  And, truth be told, I think to see if I was still single.  Ah, silly man, I always seem to be single.  Boo.

I regaled him with a couple of my stories and asked how he and his new(ish) gal were doing and if he was in love yet.  Sadly (?) he said not so great.  He explained that although he thinks she is pretty amazing in every way, there are 2 pretty important pieces missing.  I get it.  Believe me, I get it.  He did say that those 2 missing pieces are ones that I seem to possess.  Eh, who knows.

He did let me know that he thinks I’m very pretty and have a great sense of humor.  He’s right.  I do. 😉 It took me forever (49 years to be exact) to be able to take a compliment without self-deprecatingly brushing it off, so there’s that.  I just thanked him for his sweet words and left it at that.

Am I upset that he contacted me while still dating someone else?  Nah.  I want to be someone’s last choice.  Wait, that reads completely different than what I mean.  I mean I want someone to date as many women as they want and THEN date me and decide that I’m the one.  I don’t want to be the 1st date and then lose out because they feel they’re missing out.  That was an ENORMOUS mistake that I made with he who shall remain nameless.  I was #1 and was then expected to wait around while he then dated around.  And, as we all well know, I did.  What a dumbass I was.

Anywhoo, we chatted a bit more and before he signed off, I asked him to keep in touch.  I told him that for good or bad, whether we ever meet or not, he seems like a pretty terrific guy and all else aside, I’m a great listener if he ever needs help working through anything.  That last part was a whoops on my part, I am NOT going back into the business of ‘fixing’ people.  Thing is, he’s not broken.  He just seems like a really good guy with a good heart.  Not a lot of them out there ….. online, at least 😉 We’ll see.  As I well know, the universe works in mysterious ways, so maybe ……..

Now, as the 16th has come and gone and that was the date that OO7 set up 3 weeks in advance with me only to fall off the face of the earth right after that, would anyone like to guess if it actually happened???? Anyone?