The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Love Is In The Air April 14, 2022

Oh, you’re sweet. No, not for me. Yet. But apparently for everyone else. Yey? My best friend in town has found herself a man. One that apparently makes her very very happy. She likes to tell me all the wonderful things that he does for her, buys her and how kind he is to her. Everything she deserves. I am genuinely happy that she is so happy.

Funny thing is, I’ve been on the receiving end of information about him, from her, since their 1st date. She wasn’t too into him. She used to tell me that she liked him because she wouldn’t be upset if he ended things and that he was boring in bed. What? I mean, I understand completely in that he obviously liked her more than she liked him, but boring in bed? Apparently that’s changed. Or has it? I’m not sure. They go on lots of fun trips together. He buys her very nice gifts. He apparently has zero worries about finances and ‘is loaded’ (her words, not mine). I always joke about wanting to find a sugar daddy but know in my heart that I would never be with a man just because he had money (although it would be damn nice). Is that what I think she’s doing? No, no I don’t. I don’t think the fact that he spends lavishly on her hurts though. Meh, not my business. She deserves to be happy and I am happy for her.

I met another friend for happy hour on Monday. She was married for 25 years, her husband cheated on her, and she has been divorced 3 years I believe. She online dates as well (because, really, how else do you meet people?). She has TWO dates set up for this week! Remember when I used to be able to ‘stack’ dates? When I was apparently a hotter property than I am now? When men actually used to ask me out instead of just wanting to exchange messages for a lifetime? I’m not sure how she transitions, prompts, whatevers and makes the message-to-actual-in-person-date happen? Have I lost my touch? Is she better at flirting than I am (granted, most of the universe is)? Does she just ask them out? Does she have a little countdown clock that she makes them aware of and when time expires, if a date isn’t set, she just deletes them? I really have no clue. She’s a catch, mind you, but so am I. She definitely has an agenda and very set and structured expectations from men and relationships which I kind of don’t. I don’t think. In the time I was away at the beach (4 months), she had 2 different relationships. She was the one to end them both. I, in that same time frame, had 2 x 1.5 hour long dates that went nowhere. Huh.

I think know my man is out there. I know that if I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. I do feel that I have been patient long enough. I am embracing being single (sort of). I am fully aware that being single has some definite perks to it. I also know that I miss someone to help me lift heavy things and help with my ever growing honey-do list. *sigh* I will need to apparently get some pointers and take better notes on my friends’ online dating styles. In the end though, I can only be me, so what did I do after drinks with my dating frenzy friend? I came home and deleted all my go nowhere messages and matches that were just festering ageing in my inbox. That’s good, right?

 

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come…. September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:47 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

The apology you deserve. The explanation you hoped for. The clarification you needed.  And you know what? That’s okay.

In a year that has been less than stellar for OH SO MANY reasons (I have a plethora of unpublished drafts from this year; and last for that matter), one long awaited positive has come about. I am done with Mr. OoT. Yes, finally. Yes, for real. No really. It’s been 6 weeks since our unnecessarily dramatic breakup. 6 weeks since he told me to (and I quote) “get the fuck out of his life and never speak to his family again”. While I absolutely did the 1st, he can fuck off if he thinks I’ll follow the 2nd.

It was so weird (and by weird, I mean super shitty) how things ended up playing out. We had taken a road trip to see his daughter’s family. Mr. OoT and I had gotten in an argument a few days prior where he threw something exceedingly personal that I trusted him with back in my face. I hadn’t yet forgiven him and wasn’t actually/finally sure that I could or would.

Mr. OoT was SUPER cold to me the entire trip and visit. He was his usual self involved narcissistic self. It was weird/sad/embarrassing/horrifying seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes. His entire family knows exactly who he is and what he’s capable of, so it was no surprise to them when or how it came about. Anyway, seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes was, frankly, embarrassing. Sure, Mr. OoT could be kind and charming and generous and chivalrous and complimentary and amazing when he wanted. He just didn’t want to. With me. Anymore.

I was basically a non entity in our relationship. Everything was always about him and I was (finally) tired of it. I had gone for a drive alone the day before we were set to leave. When I got back to the house I asked Mr. OoT if he wanted to stay an extra day as his daughter and her husband were disappointed that we were leaving the next day. His response to me was that he didn’t want to spend one more second with me than he had to and that he had been miserable every day for the last 6 months. Uhm, what the fuck?!

I have no clue what, exactly, had set him off on that particular day but I told him he either needed to apologize or he could find his own way home (500+ miles away). He opted to “double down” and throw in a few more scathing comments instead. So I did it. I left him there.

It took two and a half overly stressful and self confidence crushing years for me to come to this one conclusion. I DO matter. I SHOULD count. I DESERVE someone who makes me a priority at least part of the time.

I’m not going to lie, I cried most of those 500 solitary miles home. We have blocked each other on social media and have had zero contact (well, aside from that amazingly ill timed funeral thing that following week). Have I missed him? Yes. Have I missed having someone? Yes. Have I wanted to reach out? Also yes. Have I? No. And I’m not going to. I deserve better. I deserve respect and kindness and understanding and romance and butterflies. I deserve someone who will be kind to me even when I’m being a bitch. Someone who won’t hold our relationship for ransom. Someone who will still care when I am exhausted and have nothing to give. I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make everything about him and on his terms; According to what he feels I deserve or have earned at that particular moment.

In these past 2 1/2 years we have fought countless times. Have broken up often. Have gotten back together way too much. He has called me horrible names and ignored my feelings. He has tuned me out more times than I can count. He has violated trusts. I’m self aware enough to realize I’m no picnic to be with, but even at my worst, I deserve unconditional love and kindness.

In the end though it was none of those things (or maybe it was all of those things) that finally had me walk away. I just knew I’d never be able to count on him when it mattered most. I was with a man who actually made me feel lonely and as if I didn’t matter. I don’t want to be lonely WITH someone. No one should be.

And thus, my friends who have waited for 2 1/2 infuriating years for me to finally listen to everyone and move on; I have. For my own feeling of self worth. For my own happiness. And, of course, for my horrifying stories of online dating. You’re welcome. 😉

 

Much Overdue April 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

** this post is from April and kind of a missing link **

Understatement of the year. I wanted to update all two of you everyone on Grey Goose’s state of affairs. First and foremost, thank you to all that kept good thoughts for my doggie. After being in the ICU for over a week and almost losing him 2 more times, he was discharged to me. I thought it was hard having him in ICU! I had no idea how hard having to force feed, give meds to around the clock and generally keep him alive would be. I did it. He did it. After several more weeks in a shitty hotel and innumerable blood tests and follow up visits, I was given the okay to embark on the 18 hour drive back home. He is still in treatment and there is every possibility that he could relapse, but for now, finally, he is doing well.

Okay, crisis #1 averted. I still had crisis #2 to deal with. Remember that trip I said I had planned with Mr. OoT? The one that he said he would only NOT go on if I paid him for his ticket? The one that we had planned for almost a year? The one that was pretty tops on my bucket list? Yes, that one. What to do, what to do? My dog was still very sick, I hadn’t spoken to Mr. OoT since the ‘I never wanted to be with you’ phone call. Did I want to travel and leave my dog behind? Did I want to see Mr. OoT? The answer to both of these questions was a resounding NO. It wasn’t until the night before we were supposed to leave and an emergency dinner with friends (they ate, I cried) that I decided to go. My dog was in VERY good hands with my most trusted friend (actually an old boyfriend who we always joked loved my dogs more than he did me – truth), I didn’t have trip insurance and just having spent well over 8 grand saving my doggie (thank you CARE card), I knew if I didn’t go on this trip now, I never would.

So I went. And Mr. OoT was amazing. Helpful and kind and patient and wonderful. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the version of himself that I only got to see 10% of the time, at most. We had separate rooms and there was no ” funny business”, but the trip and he were great.

I promised myself we wouldn’t get back together……..

 

Same Shitshow, Different Day, But Wait…. March 17, 2019

….there’s more!  Mr. OoT and I have been the same mismatched and ill fitted couple we’ve always been.  About a month ago I decided I would just start ‘mirroring’ his communication style and frequency as things were obiously changing since his terrific visit.  If he didn’t text me, I didn’t text him.  If he didn’t call, I didn’t call.  If he didn’t use any terms of endearment, I didn’t either.  Just like we were any run of the mill immature teenage couple.  Good times.  Neither of us enjoyed how that went.  Things haven’t been great lately but just because I don’t want you all to get bored with reading the same ridiculous stories of our angsty relationship, I thought I’d add a twist.

 

What sort of a twist you ask?  Well that would be travel, of course!  Yes, you read that right!  Mr. OoT and I are traveling tomorrow!  Not just any old travel either.  We’re traveling internationally! WooHoo!  It’s a bucket list trip for me and a birthday trip for him.  It was planned (and paid for) almost 6 months ago.  By me.  He’s never traveled internationally before.  I have many times.  I wanted to be with him when he got his 1st much desired stamp in his passport (he was so disappointed that he didn’t get one when we drove across the border into Mexico. Wa Wa)

 

Mr. OoT being Mr. OoT (pronounced Know-It-All), he has been debating with me about the importance and structure of going through international customs.  I’ve done it at least 3 dozen times.  He’s done it …. oh wait, NEVER.  Yet he still enjoys correcting me.  I so love being corrected when I’m not the one who is wrong.  I almost half hope he gets detained so that I can say ‘I told you so’ over my shoulder as I waltz out of the over-seas airport alone and leave his ass in custody.

 

I won’t, of course, because that’s not who I am.  For whatever reason I allow the men in my life (TD anyone?) to treat me like shit and forever forgive them.  Mr. OoT doesn’t actually treat me like shit (much) but does aim his intermittent rage filled hissy fits in my direction about every other month.  He actually needs to be medicated I think (and not by his beloved psychedelics either) and certainly needs to talk to someone other than me, but he never will.   Because he thinks he knows everything. Not ideal.

 

Ooops, did I forget to mention that he raged at me just the other day? It went on forever and it was especially shitty.  When he finally took a breath, I took that opportunity to tell him to fuck off.  And he was amazingly righteously indignant that I actually had the nerve to say that.  Then he dumped me.  Again.  And I agreed.  And we’re still headed out on a 16 hour travel day tomorrow to enjoy a bucket list trip for me.

 

Awkward much?!  You may want to keep your eyes on the news over the next week to see if one or both of us kill the other ……..

 

*please note, I am SUPER pissed right now, so have written this knowing that he is NOT a competely bad person.  He’s just a bad person for me.  And I’m the dumbass for still allowing him to come on this trip with me.

 

Canine Conundrums October 29, 2018

So, remember how I was so pissed at Mr. OoT for allowing me all of ONE day to come see me?  How he said he was planning on coming up on Saturday and heading back home on Sunday? How he said he ‘wished’ he could spend more time? How he said he couldn’t because of his son and school?  Turns out all these things are true.  Want to know what else is true?  That as soon as I heard him say these things I got pissed.  I sort of shut down and got all self righteous.

 

My days of introspection are few and far between lately yet still alive and well.  My days of knowing that there are probably better ways of dealing with things other than shutting down and acting like a child are always in the background.  That I need to approach things from a place of positivity rather than one of negativity.  Yet I don’t employ other means often.  I kind of hate that my default is to get all butt hurt and pissy.

 

I had the brilliant idea of broaching the topic of Mr. OoT’s visit again a few days ago.  This time, when he said he was planning on coming up on Saturday and leaving on Sunday, instead of getting offended and shutting down I said that I’d like him to consider staying longer.  That although I love his son, that since I was about to leave for 3 months and that this would be the last time we’d get to see each other for a while, that he might consider leaving him at home and staying a bit longer.  That he’d have a whole other entire week to spend with him before he went back to work and then 3 months of son-time while I was away.  I got the oddest response.  He agreed.  He even sounded excited.  He said that since he wasn’t going to bring his son, that it didn’t even need to be a weekend that he came to see me.  That he would now come Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday.  Three whole days!

 

Who knew?  I should.  I should know and remember that not everyone’s mind works the same way as mine.  That things that seem so blatantly obvious to me don’t necessarily occur to others.  That for all the times that I bash Mr. OoT for having a strange way of interpreting things and assuming that everyone’s minds work the same way as his, that I do the exact same thing.  Super strange realization for me.  I should know better.

 

So now, instead of only 1 night here with his son in tow, there will be 3 child free nights.  We’ve already discussed plans.  Day 1 will be for his ‘honey do’ list on things I need help with around the house and I will make us dinner (he loves when I cook).  Day 2 will be lazy and then date night with dinner and a movie that night.  (I told him he could choose the movie ….. god help me).  Day 3 will be who knows what?  I’m looking forward to it though.

 

It’s damn hard to teach old dogs new tricks…..pleasant, patient and gently persuasive is MUCH more effective than butt hurt and pouty.  I need to try to remember that ……

 

Just Admit It October 25, 2018

So silly. And annoying. When I say something and forget. Or when I say something and change my mind. Or when I say something that I regret. All have the same response and reaction from me. I apologize for forgetting, for changing my mind or regret saying. It seems so simple. SO. FUCKING. SIMPLE.

I don’t think I’m in in the minority when it comes to owning my shit. Maybe I am. When it is in regards to stupid shit though it’s just annoying as fuck to not have the other person just admit they forgot or changed their mind or never meant to say it in the first place. How hard is it to say those 4 simple words ‘I’m sorry, I forgot’.

For fuck sake. I talked to Mr. OoT yesterday about his coming to visit next weekend. He doesn’t like to be away from his son when he’s home, so it’s usually a given that he will come with on the rare occasion that Mr. OoT comes to my town. No biggie. I love that he loves his kids. Imagine my surprise and delight when Mr. OoT said (and I quote) “I may just leave him at home for the weekend, would that be okay?” Uhm, YES! I love his son, but this is the last weekend we’ll be able to spend time together before I leave for an extended period of time. When we were talking tonight, however, he mentioned his son being here. I told him that he had said he wasn’t bringing him and he then proceeded to tell me that I misunderstood. That I was wrong. That he never said that. That he was talking about Halloween night, not the weekend. That he never said he wasn’t going to bring his son. That he LOVES his son and doesn’t want to be away from him. Bullshit on the not being able to be away from his 15 year old son, btw (NOT that he loves him – ’cause he does. A lot) Why can he not just say he changed his mind instead of trying to convince me that I am wrong. That I’M the one that misunderstood. I AM wrong a lot of the time. I’m NOT this time.

As a bonus, he said he was probably going to drive up on Saturday and then head home on Sunday. For those of you bad at math, that’s 1 night. ONE. When I said that I was disappointed that he wouldn’t be staying longer, he said that he was too but that he couldn’t. You know, his son has school and all. I’m fucking pissed. I’m leaving for THREE MONTHS. He says he ‘wished’ he could stay longer. Uhm, he could. He doesn’t work when he’s back home. He has 2 solid weeks off. He just doesn’t want to. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that since it’s more than a week away, it wasn’t even on his radar yet (he is incapable of planning ahead). Super great end to our conversation last night.

 

And Off He Goes February 22, 2018

So he who still doesn’t have a blog name leaves for vacation today. He’ll be back in 10 days. I won’t. I don’t leave until next week and won’t be back until the 2nd week in March.

Seems like weird timing to meet someone. While I have never believed in ‘bad timing’ and always thought of it as an excuse (unless, of course, you’re about to be imprisoned or deported), maybe that’s what this is.

Our texting has been pretty surface lately. As my new dating coach, Matthew Hussey (seriously, check him out; he knows his shit and is HOT) suggested, I have not been the one to initiate texts. I have not been the needy one. I have not ‘tested’ the situation.

Tonight Mr Vacation (oh, look who just got assigned a completely unimaginative blog name) sent a text apologizing for being incommunicado and kinda bleh the past couple of days. As it was completely unprompted, it was nice. Hey, maybe this shit works! Normally I would completely validate him and not want him to feel bad so would normally excuse everything. As I’m trying to embrace a new normal, all I said was that I appreciated his apology. And then I did something I normally wouldn’t do for fear of sounding needy or *gasp* letting him know I was interested. I told him that I wished that we could have gotten together before he left. Nope, wasn’t even guilt trippy or passive aggressive. It was just a statement and I left it at that.

He responded right back with another apology and saying he wished we could have gotten together as well, but that he just sort of ran out of time. While the old Grey would get all gushy and forgiving and let him off the hook because ‘look! he likes me!’, the new Grey isn’t so sure. He did have time to see me. He had time to see friends. He just didn’t prioritize seeing me and has, in fact, now run out of time.

Maybe we’ll chat while he’s gone, maybe we won’t. I’m not going to initiate anything and I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of my own damn vacation! Of course I won’t completely write him off as I do think he’s a good guy, but I will pay attention to what he does when I return.

Let’s face it. I don’t really know this guy. We’ve only met once. We’ve since exchanged about 400 text messages. Who knows what will happen. Here’s the difference between old & (hopefully) new Grey; I know what I want and what I deserve. I don’t need to make everything so easy by making myself so available. No, that doesn’t mean I need or want to make things difficult either. It just means I’ll pay attention and while I can ‘mirror’ his effort, I will not do all the work.

Now, while I never lie to others, we all know that I’m pretty damn good at lying to myself, so I guess we’ll see…..

 

Dating Down January 29, 2018

Now, before anyone jumps my shit, take a deep breath and just read. Dating down has many connotations. Most of them negative. It implies that you’re better than someone else. That they aren’t as worthy. That they aren’t up to your standards. That is NOT what I am referring to. I don’t look down on others. Well, I do, but not my brave online dates, and if it happens, they usually deserve it for being a shitty human being.

I’m not a shitty person. As a matter of fact, I’m a damn good person. A damn good person who’s a pretty good catch. A damn good person who doesn’t need anyone else’s money. A damn good person who doesn’t care what a person has, but instead cares about who they are as person. A damn good person with some pretty significant insecurities. A damn good person who often hides these insecurities under a thick layer of self deprecation, humor and sarcasm. I’m nothing if not self aware. I know I can be an idiot a lot sometimes. I know at times that I have the emotional maturity of a petulant 7 year old. I own it though. I own it all. All my shit that is tied up in nice little compartments with decorative bows.

Dating down has nothing to do with looks or character or wealth or height or weight or anything that you can put your finger on. It has to do with me owning my shit. It has been proven time and time again that I cannot handle dating someone that I’m totally into. I turn into this crazy insecure idiot that I do not like. It brings out ALL of my insecurities and makes me question (and ultimately ruin) everything. You don’t believe me? Remember everyone’s favorite douchebag TD? The one who ruined my life (and blog) for more than 2 years more like 4years? The one that made me question absolutely everything about myself and what I brought to the table? The one who stole my happy from me and morphed from the most amazing man ever, to one of the worst? I know I had something to do with that. I always do. No one is ever blameless.

I just can’t handle really liking someone. NYE date is a prime example. I went out with the guy twice. I really liked him. If I didn’t get a text from him each morning or if he took too long to respond to a text of mine (according to my fucked up time frame), my mind would take over and I’d start spinning. It’s insane. It makes ME feel insane. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to do it anymore.

In the spirit of self preservation, I have decided that I can only date men that I am fairly ‘meh’ about. Guys that I like, but that I’m not 100% into. This doesn’t mean they’re not good people or unattractive, it’s just men that for whatever reason, I don’t connect with. I’m a great date with guys that I’m not all that into. I don’t second guess everything I say. I don’t worry about what they’ll think. I don’t worry if they think I’m pretty. Or if my ass looks big in these jeans. I’m just my authentic self, say what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

I have had a couple ‘meh’ dates since I moved here. I was funny and witty and charming and the guys liked me. They wanted to go out again. I agreed. Nothing has been set up yet, though. Here’s the difference: whereas I would start spinning from not hearing from a guy I like within 2 days (okay, who am I kidding, within 2 hours), I’m actually okay not hearing from them. I don’t obsess over it. My mind doesn’t create stories. My insecurities don’t come racing to the forefront. I’m okay either way hearing from them or not.

While this may sound shitty, I don’t think it is. It could be one of those things where ‘love grows’ or whatever such bullshit you read in a greeting card. I just know that for me, it’s ‘safer’ for me to not care so much. To not be so invested. To not have my mind spinning out of control. I’ve heard time and again people say that you should be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I always thought that sounded pretty sad and was a bunch of bullshit. I think that’s what I need to do though. I can’t handle it otherwise ……

 

Deleted …. And, What Did You Just Ask Me? May 22, 2017

I deleted my last online profile.  Again.  I also waved goodbye to Bumble.  Yes, Again.  I have neither the time nor inclination to do the online dating ‘dance’ right now.  To give you an idea, here are the last 3 interactions I’ve had with online guys:

Bachelor #1: Hi, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Going to an outdoor concert with a group of friends, You?

Bachelor #1: I’m in Costa Rica.  Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, well you win!  I hope you’re having an amazing time.  I’m going with a group of friends that I go with every year.

Bachelor #1: Do I know any of them?

Me: What the fuck?! We’ve never met, how would I know?  Uhm, I have no clue if we have any friends in common

Bachelor #1: I know, LOL

end scene……….

Bachelor #2 is the one that I met last Monday.  He texts me Friday morning to see if I was in town this weekend, as I’ve been away the past 3 weekends.  I let him know that I actually AM in town this weekend!  And then nothing …….. nice.  The most annoying part is that, just for a millisecond, I allowed myself to get a little excited that he wanted to see me again.

Bachelor #3 texts me with ‘hello beautiful’ about every 3 days while making no effort or mention of ever actually meeting.  2 days ago he sent me a flower emoji.  Today he sent me a ‘thinking of you, Grey Goose’.  I will NEVER understand the ‘penpal’ mentality of so many people online.  If I want to text one liners with someone twice a week, I can do that with friends.  Why go on a dating site if you never want to meet?

So, for now, I will stick with getting my butt in gear for that big change that I mentioned a post or two ago and not worry about men.  Or boys, as the case may be….

 

Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking. Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’. I’ve almost perfected it. Almost. Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things. On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing. Just some. No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man? The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met? The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet? The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck? The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet? The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again? Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened. Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine. Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there. He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What? He’s right there, on my home page! Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me. That I was his Plan B. I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh. Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened. And he told me. And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit. He apologized for being a flake. He apologized for not contacting me. He apologized for not following through. He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on. I LOVE roller coasters! Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex. The ex that I counseled him on. The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous. The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with. You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this? Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times? How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……

 

I Think I’m Dating A 13 Year Old Girl May 16, 2017

No, not really, but I knew that would get your attention. 😉 As is my new MO when writing a post, I justify my absence as ‘nothing interesting going on’.  This time, however, I have not written in a while because I have A LOT going on.  Big changes are in the works.  BIG.  Not ready to divulge the details as of yet, so for now, I will update you on the average 49 year old’s adventures on Bumble.  I have 3, count ’em, 3 whopping bachelors to fill you in on.

As the universe, and several select big mouthed friends have suggested (and by suggested, I mean they full on insult me and think nothing of it), I need to expand my horizons when considering men.  As I’ve explained umpteen times before, I am open to all sorts of men.  Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, cute ones, not so cute ones, quirky ones and just about every other option out there.  Oh, aside from incarcerated.  Or drug addicted.  Oh yeah, or smokers.  Sorry, not kissing an ashtray.  I really do care more about personality, kindness and intelligence more than looks.

Anywho, bachelor #1 is sweet as can be.  We have a lot of personality traits in common.  He’s smart and considerate and kind.  He also sends me at least one selfie a day.  Uhm, what?  I don’t understand that.  I don’t take, nor do I send, selfies.  As we’ve already met in person, I know what he looks like.  I can’t quite figure out the thought process behind this constant influx of selfies.  After the first couple, I responded with ‘cute’ or ‘love that shirt’.  After the 10th, I just don’t respond anymore.  It’s just weird.  I don’t know what to say.  They’re all PG, mind you, but still.  We met last Monday for cocktails and he was as cute and interesting in person as I expected him to be.  He was also every inch shorter than me that I feared.  As in six.  Six inches.  (*insert that’s what she said joke here) SIX INCHES shorter than I am.  Can’t do it.  He is almost literally half my size in every regard.  I hope he understood my ‘friend vibe’, but I fear he didn’t.  He even toasted to ‘new friends’ when we met.  That tells me he gets it.  The deluge of selfies and ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts however, does not.

Bachelor #2 I think I am going to opt out of meeting.  He too likes to send selfies.  He too is shorter than me (but only by 3 inches).  He also seems exceptionally self involved and keeps telling me how awesome a friend and person he is.  Okaaaaaay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do actually think the best of people until they prove me wrong.  I do feel that people that announce certain traits of theirs are a bit disingenuous.  Why would you announce that you’re not a player?  Why would you announce that you’re an amazing friend?  Why would you announce that you’re very protective of all your 437 female friends?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think those that feel the need to announce how amazing they are, usually aren’t.  We also have a mutual acquaintance in common.  He thinks she’s awesome.  I think she’s a complete shit-show.  I’m just not getting a good ‘feel’ for this one.

Bachelor #3 I met last night and he is every bit as handsome as I had hoped.  He’s also every bit of his 6’2″ height.  I’ll tell you more about this one as I figure it out! 🙂

 

Oh Universe, You Make Me Laugh….. January 30, 2017

Wasn’t sure which title to use:  When it rains it pours?  It’s raining men?  All or nothing?  Regardless of what the title is, the subject matter remains the same.  While the universe seems to be smiling on me for a change, it still likes to give me a little poke and test me.  I should be used to it by now.  And this time, darn it, I will prevail….

So I met that very nice man the other night when I was out with friends.  He took my number and being the oh so positive rendition of myself that I am this year, I hope know he will call.

I have a date set up with the one with no name for Thursday.  Although I’m not overly excited about it, I did look back on our Bumble conversations and although his usual ‘hi’ text messages of late leave much to be desired, he was witty and conversational towards the beginning.  Maybe he’s just waiting to meet to bring that side back out again.

I got a text last night from Repo Man.  He asked me out.  Finally.  Although I have been looking forward to this for months (3, to be exact), I find that I am now nervous.  Lovely.  I’ll pull it together of course before next weekend.  I made sure that he had no 3rd dates with anyone scheduled before our date as I’d actually like for us to meet this time.  I think he’s a terrific guy and I am excited to meet him.  I do need to put my overthinking self away for a bit though as I am already assuming he is lining up multiple dates for next week and I am just one in the crowd.  Like last time.  I will do my best to realize that it doesn’t matter how many women he meets; that if I’m the right one, none of the others will matter.  I do think he was texting with someone else at the same time that we were however.  Not a big fan, but then again, not my business.  Yet.

To round out my week, yesterday was one of TD’s son’s birthdays.  I saw a picture posted on the root of all evil FB of the big, festive dinner that TD, his kids, his son’s friends and the closet dwelling lunch lady were included in.  I have he and his nutbag fiance blocked on FB, but as they weren’t tagged in the photos and I am friends with his kids, it showed up on my timeline.  Thank you FB.  It looked like a fun time and for a split second I though ‘I should be there’.  Then I got over it.  Instead I took note of the fact that the closet dwelling lunch lady still has the most hideous hair ever, that TD looked liked like he has gained weight and that my stomach did not drop when I saw the photo as it has done in years gone by.  I’ll call that a win, thank you very much!

So although the universe has the dating gods finally throwing me a bone, did they have to throw 3 in the same week?

 

Exciting News! January 4, 2017

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:20 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

No, not really, just wanted to see if you were paying attention.  I just got home from a much needed and very extended vacation in my ‘happy place’.  Did that sound dirty?  It wasn’t.  Although I wish it would have been.  Alas, no bike riding options.  Not that I even remember how to ride a bike, but I digress.

As today is my 1st official ‘reality’ day of 2017 back home (boo) it has been a fun filled day of doing laundry, going through a stack of mail that was the height of a small child and yes, fielding text messages from nothings gone by.

I texted with Repo Man a bit while I was away.  And by a bit, I mean for about an hour, once.  I also heard from presumed married guy before I left with an uber convincing ‘I’m going to visit my sister, so won’t be in touch, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’.  Now, unless his sister lives in Antarctica, that shouldn’t prevent him from being in touch.  Being with his wife and kids and texting from his online volp internet number to look like a cel number from his laptop would however.

As I was driving home I got a text from PMG (get it? presumed married guy) wishing me a happy new year and saying he hopes he gets to meet me in a couple of weeks.  I think not.

Tonight I also got a text from Repo Man just checking in and wanting to know how I am.  As I last proclaimed that it didn’t bother me that I was ‘Plan B’ as I want to be his last date, not his 1st, I have had a change of heart.  I don’t want to be anyone’s Plan B!  I debated whether or not to respond at all and then being the strong and independent woman of 2017 and knowing full well that I shouldn’t be texting with someone who is dating someone else, I responded.  What?  You couldn’t possibly be surprised by that.

As I did wait 2 hours to respond, he was just walking into a meeting (no, not AA … I don’t think).  He sent a reply of ‘I have a lot of exciting news to share with you, so we’ll need to catch up soon; maybe by phone?’.  Uhm, nice teaser text.  What?  He’s engaged?  He’s in love?  He’s moving far, far away?  He’s decided he likes men?  He’s moving in with Plan A?  He’s dumped Plan A and has decided, sight unseen, that I’m the gal for him? He stubbed his toe?  He got a nose ring?  Yeah, guessing none of the above.   Guess I’ll have to wait for that ever elusive phone call …….as will the 2 of you.

 

Last One December 16, 2016

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:04 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!