43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Deleted …. And, What Did You Just Ask Me? May 22, 2017

I deleted my last online profile.  Again.  I also waved goodbye to Bumble.  Yes, Again.  I have neither the time nor inclination to do the online dating ‘dance’ right now.  To give you an idea, here are the last 3 interactions I’ve had with online guys:

Bachelor #1: Hi, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Going to an outdoor concert with a group of friends, You?

Bachelor #1: I’m in Costa Rica.  Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, well you win!  I hope you’re having an amazing time.  I’m going with a group of friends that I go with every year.

Bachelor #1: Do I know any of them?

Me: What the fuck?! We’ve never met, how would I know?  Uhm, I have no clue if we have any friends in common

Bachelor #1: I know, LOL

end scene……….

Bachelor #2 is the one that I met last Monday.  He texts me Friday morning to see if I was in town this weekend, as I’ve been away the past 3 weekends.  I let him know that I actually AM in town this weekend!  And then nothing …….. nice.  The most annoying part is that, just for a millisecond, I allowed myself to get a little excited that he wanted to see me again.

Bachelor #3 texts me with ‘hello beautiful’ about every 3 days while making no effort or mention of ever actually meeting.  2 days ago he sent me a flower emoji.  Today he sent me a ‘thinking of you, Grey Goose’.  I will NEVER understand the ‘penpal’ mentality of so many people online.  If I want to text one liners with someone twice a week, I can do that with friends.  Why go on a dating site if you never want to meet?

So, for now, I will stick with getting my butt in gear for that big change that I mentioned a post or two ago and not worry about men.  Or boys, as the case may be….

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Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking.  Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’.  I’ve almost perfected it.  Almost.  Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things.  On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing.  Just some.  No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man?  The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met?  The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet?  The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck?  The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet?  The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again?  Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened.  Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine.  Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there.  He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What?  He’s right there, on my home page!  Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask.  Couldn’t hurt, right?  Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”.  I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me.  That I was his Plan B.  I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh.  Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened.  And he told me.  And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit.  He apologized for being a flake.  He apologized for not contacting me.  He apologized for not following through.  He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on.  I LOVE roller coasters!  Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex.  The ex that I counseled him on.  The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous.  The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with.  You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this?  Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times?  How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……

 

 

I Think I’m Dating A 13 Year Old Girl May 16, 2017

No, not really, but I knew that would get your attention. 😉 As is my new MO when writing a post, I justify my absence as ‘nothing interesting going on’.  This time, however, I have not written in a while because I have A LOT going on.  Big changes are in the works.  BIG.  Not ready to divulge the details as of yet, so for now, I will update you on the average 49 year old’s adventures on Bumble.  I have 3, count ’em, 3 whopping bachelors to fill you in on.

As the universe, and several select big mouthed friends have suggested (and by suggested, I mean they full on insult me and think nothing of it), I need to expand my horizons when considering men.  As I’ve explained umpteen times before, I am open to all sorts of men.  Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, cute ones, not so cute ones, quirky ones and just about every other option out there.  Oh, aside from incarcerated.  Or drug addicted.  Oh yeah, or smokers.  Sorry, not kissing an ashtray.  I really do care more about personality, kindness and intelligence more than looks.

Anywho, bachelor #1 is sweet as can be.  We have a lot of personality traits in common.  He’s smart and considerate and kind.  He also sends me at least one selfie a day.  Uhm, what?  I don’t understand that.  I don’t take, nor do I send, selfies.  As we’ve already met in person, I know what he looks like.  I can’t quite figure out the thought process behind this constant influx of selfies.  After the first couple, I responded with ‘cute’ or ‘love that shirt’.  After the 10th, I just don’t respond anymore.  It’s just weird.  I don’t know what to say.  They’re all PG, mind you, but still.  We met last Monday for cocktails and he was as cute and interesting in person as I expected him to be.  He was also every inch shorter than me that I feared.  As in six.  Six inches.  (*insert that’s what she said joke here) SIX INCHES shorter than I am.  Can’t do it.  He is almost literally half my size in every regard.  I hope he understood my ‘friend vibe’, but I fear he didn’t.  He even toasted to ‘new friends’ when we met.  That tells me he gets it.  The deluge of selfies and ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts however, does not.

Bachelor #2 I think I am going to opt out of meeting.  He too likes to send selfies.  He too is shorter than me (but only by 3 inches).  He also seems exceptionally self involved and keeps telling me how awesome a friend and person he is.  Okaaaaaay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do actually think the best of people until they prove me wrong.  I do feel that people that announce certain traits of theirs are a bit disingenuous.  Why would you announce that you’re not a player?  Why would you announce that you’re an amazing friend?  Why would you announce that you’re very protective of all your 437 female friends?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think those that feel the need to announce how amazing they are, usually aren’t.  We also have a mutual acquaintance in common.  He thinks she’s awesome.  I think she’s a complete shit-show.  I’m just not getting a good ‘feel’ for this one.

Bachelor #3 I met last night and he is every bit as handsome as I had hoped.  He’s also every bit of his 6’2″ height.  I’ll tell you more about this one as I figure it out! 🙂

 

Oh Universe, You Make Me Laugh….. January 30, 2017

Wasn’t sure which title to use:  When it rains it pours?  It’s raining men?  All or nothing?  Regardless of what the title is, the subject matter remains the same.  While the universe seems to be smiling on me for a change, it still likes to give me a little poke and test me.  I should be used to it by now.  And this time, darn it, I will prevail….

So I met that very nice man the other night when I was out with friends.  He took my number and being the oh so positive rendition of myself that I am this year, I hope know he will call.

I have a date set up with the one with no name for Thursday.  Although I’m not overly excited about it, I did look back on our Bumble conversations and although his usual ‘hi’ text messages of late leave much to be desired, he was witty and conversational towards the beginning.  Maybe he’s just waiting to meet to bring that side back out again.

I got a text last night from Repo Man.  He asked me out.  Finally.  Although I have been looking forward to this for months (3, to be exact), I find that I am now nervous.  Lovely.  I’ll pull it together of course before next weekend.  I made sure that he had no 3rd dates with anyone scheduled before our date as I’d actually like for us to meet this time.  I think he’s a terrific guy and I am excited to meet him.  I do need to put my overthinking self away for a bit though as I am already assuming he is lining up multiple dates for next week and I am just one in the crowd.  Like last time.  I will do my best to realize that it doesn’t matter how many women he meets; that if I’m the right one, none of the others will matter.  I do think he was texting with someone else at the same time that we were however.  Not a big fan, but then again, not my business.  Yet.

To round out my week, yesterday was one of TD’s son’s birthdays.  I saw a picture posted on the root of all evil FB of the big, festive dinner that TD, his kids, his son’s friends and the closet dwelling lunch lady were included in.  I have he and his nutbag fiance blocked on FB, but as they weren’t tagged in the photos and I am friends with his kids, it showed up on my timeline.  Thank you FB.  It looked like a fun time and for a split second I though ‘I should be there’.  Then I got over it.  Instead I took note of the fact that the closet dwelling lunch lady still has the most hideous hair ever, that TD looked liked like he has gained weight and that my stomach did not drop when I saw the photo as it has done in years gone by.  I’ll call that a win, thank you very much!

So although the universe has the dating gods finally throwing me a bone, did they have to throw 3 in the same week?

 

Exciting News! January 4, 2017

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:20 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

No, not really, just wanted to see if you were paying attention.  I just got home from a much needed and very extended vacation in my ‘happy place’.  Did that sound dirty?  It wasn’t.  Although I wish it would have been.  Alas, no bike riding options.  Not that I even remember how to ride a bike, but I digress.

As today is my 1st official ‘reality’ day of 2017 back home (boo) it has been a fun filled day of doing laundry, going through a stack of mail that was the height of a small child and yes, fielding text messages from nothings gone by.

I texted with Repo Man a bit while I was away.  And by a bit, I mean for about an hour, once.  I also heard from presumed married guy before I left with an uber convincing ‘I’m going to visit my sister, so won’t be in touch, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’.  Now, unless his sister lives in Antarctica, that shouldn’t prevent him from being in touch.  Being with his wife and kids and texting from his online volp internet number to look like a cel number from his laptop would however.

As I was driving home I got a text from PMG (get it? presumed married guy) wishing me a happy new year and saying he hopes he gets to meet me in a couple of weeks.  I think not.

Tonight I also got a text from Repo Man just checking in and wanting to know how I am.  As I last proclaimed that it didn’t bother me that I was ‘Plan B’ as I want to be his last date, not his 1st, I have had a change of heart.  I don’t want to be anyone’s Plan B!  I debated whether or not to respond at all and then being the strong and independent woman of 2017 and knowing full well that I shouldn’t be texting with someone who is dating someone else, I responded.  What?  You couldn’t possibly be surprised by that.

As I did wait 2 hours to respond, he was just walking into a meeting (no, not AA … I don’t think).  He sent a reply of ‘I have a lot of exciting news to share with you, so we’ll need to catch up soon; maybe by phone?’.  Uhm, nice teaser text.  What?  He’s engaged?  He’s in love?  He’s moving far, far away?  He’s decided he likes men?  He’s moving in with Plan A?  He’s dumped Plan A and has decided, sight unseen, that I’m the gal for him? He stubbed his toe?  He got a nose ring?  Yeah, guessing none of the above.   Guess I’ll have to wait for that ever elusive phone call …….as will the 2 of you.

 

Last One December 16, 2016

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:04 pm
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Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!