The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Last One December 16, 2016

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:04 pm
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Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!


FB Strikes Again December 4, 2016

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:38 am
Tags: , , , ,

Well, not that I actually saw anything on FB, but someone who didn’t want me to be blindsided sent it to me.  There’s no way I could have seen it as I have just about everyone connected to him blocked.  Including him.  Once it’s made ‘Facebook Official’, it’s real, right?

TD and the Lunch Lady are engaged.  I honestly am not sure how I feel about this.  Aside from running into him at his daughter’s event a couple months ago for the most awkward 15 minutes of my life and his sending me some random text out of the blue about 6 months ago offering to do a vacation home swap (no clue if I even wrote about that but it was the weirdest thing ever) I haven’t spoken to him in probably 2 years.

As I’m still close to his kids, and his son’s girlfriend totally ‘get’s it’ and sees through all the misinformation that TD spreads, I seem to know a lot of what still happens in that family.  Yey me.  I guess I’m just trying to process this.  He used to tell me that the Lunch Lady was like a sad puppy dog that wouldn’t go away.  That he didn’t particularly care for her kids. That he felt sorry for her.  That he didn’t find her particularly attractive.  Then again, according to the message I got from one of his exes, he used to say that about me too.  I guess the difference is in knowing where you stand with someone and I never did.

He and the Lunch Lady dated for 2 years.  And then broke up for a year.  They have been back together only for a few months.  I guess she passed all the tests.  She never had to deal with the things that I did and always knew where she stood with him.  She is pure drama and he likes feeling like the hero.

I can’t help but wonder, and this is where everyone throws up their hands and screams at their phones/monitors, if I would have stuck it out, if it would have been me that he chose?  I wonder if she knows what he used to say about her?  I wonder if I hadn’t known what he used to say about me, if it would have been better?

Nah, being with him was destroying me.  Everything was a test.  Everything was a struggle.  Everything was a lie.  I always felt like I was the ‘backup plan’.  I probably was.  As was she.  He just ran out of options.  The Lunch Lady and I are polar opposites.  So this ends (for real) the TD saga.  I can’t honestly say if I still had ideas of him coming back to me after all this time or not.  I don’t think I did, but hearing this news did make my stomach sink a bit, so who knows.  Damn, emotions are strange.

I do wish them well.  No really.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  He just beat me to the punch……

Oh, and just to prove that FB is, in fact, the root of all evil, the ‘memory’ and associated photo that came up today was 5 years ago and of TD and I.  One of the best photos ever, might I add. 😉


Facebook Reveals August 25, 2016

I always joke that I thought Facebook is the root of all evil.  Now I’m pretty certain that it IS!  Did you know that if someone who is NOT your friend sends you a message on there that it gets put in some top-secret hidden file and you never get a notification?  Neither did I.  Until last night when I happened upon it by accident.  I mean a serious accident, as today I can’t even remember how to get back to it.

Awaiting me inside this top-secret file were messages from people dating back 5 years!  WTF Facebook?! One of which, dated in 2012, was from an ex of TD.  You remember TD, right?  The man who I convinced myself was ‘my one’.  The one that convinced me that I was his ‘one’ for all of a week.  The one that lead me on for more than a year?  The one that inspired several years of self-doubt, angst, sadness, tears and more than any reader’s share of whiney, woe-is-me posts?  Yeah, that one.

So I find this message and know exactly who it’s from.  I read it.  It was lengthy and well thought out.  I believe it was written in the spirit of warning me and hoping that I wouldn’t put myself through what he put her through (when actually I put myself through years when she was smart enough to leave after 2 months).  It was detailed and full of fun facts.  Of course, by fun facts I mean really insulting and humiliating things that TD had told her (and presumably many others) about me.  How there was never anything romantic between us.  How he only kept me as a ‘friend’ because I was ‘needy’ and he felt bad telling me to go away.  How the summer he invited me to vacation for a week with his kids and he, that he really didn’t invite me, but I just sort of showed up last-minute (funny, that’s what he told me about her).  It illustrated his deceit and misogyny.  And sort of broke my heart all over again that he really did speak so disrepectfully and dishonestly about me.  Everything she told me ‘fit’.  I believe it all to be true.

I defended this man for years and made more excuses for him than anyone deserves.  It took me YEARS to get to where I am now regarding him (which still wasn’t 100% but was a shit-ton better than it was).  To read confirmation of some of my biggest fears regarding him was surreal.  To read it 4 years late was heartbreaking.  For me, my friends, you and basically anyone who had to deal with my incessant whining and descent into annoyance over the years.

Can you imagine where I’d be today if I had actually known about and read this message 4 years ago when it was written?!?!  How many years of self doubt, questioning, angst, sadness, neurosis and all around craptasticness could have been avoided?  Yeah, me either.

Fuck you Facebook.  Fuck you.

Oh, and fuck you too TD.  I hope karma kicks your ass!



5th Time Is The Charm? November 14, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:44 am
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He started jogging again.  He HATES jogging.  He only ever did it because his crazy neighbor ex girlfriend liked it and it was an excuse to spend time together…….

When something doesn’t work out in a relationship and you ‘break up’ 4 times within a 4 year time period and then proceed to bitch, bad-mouth and obsess of said ex for the next 2 years, what would make someone think that maybe giving it just one more try would work?  No silly people, stop yelling at your screens and preparing to throw your computer out the window.  I’m not talking about me and TD.  I am, however, talking about TD and his crazy key-wielding ex who lives next door to him. 

I’ve been keeping my distance.  I haven’t seen him.  I only think about him once a day instead of 52.  I don’t communicate first.  I do, however, respond most times when he reaches out.  Yes, I know, I’m a dumbass.  I picked up his call yesterday and he proceeded to tell me that he has a ‘lunch meeting’ set up with her.  And then added ‘don’t hate me’.  I don’t even know what that means.  Although I have many reasons to hate him, and I guess the fact that I spent over a year trying to put him back together after she destroyed him should probably piss me off, but it just doesn’t. 

I’ve told him since day 1 that he wasn’t over her.  I’ve told him since day 1 that in the back of his mind he thinks they’re going to end up together.  I’ve told him since day 527 that just because he is currently in a ‘relationship’ with the world’s most ‘safe’ and boring person (yes, the closet dwelling lunch lady), that doesn’t mean that there’s not a happy medium between the crazy key wielding ex and the woman who sits in her closet and cries. 

He’s spent 2 years saying how evil and mean and black hearted she is.  He’s told his kids, his neighbors, the local bartender, the mailman, the people at the gym and pretty much everyone else he knows how much he hates her.  How on earth can he even consider giving it another chance?  She’s always wanted him back.  She’s tried to contact him many times in the past.  She’s very smart and very manipulative and I see it all starting again.  They haven’t spoken in 2 years yet the second there is a text conversation about meeting up and ‘getting closure’ (HA), she mysteriously sets all of her FB pictures to private.  What?! Of course I stalk; duh.  He does too.  If he hasn’t picked up this latest covert op of hers, then he’s dumber than I think.  She’s paraded men in and out of her house for the past 2 years.  She has young kids.  She hasn’t been alone more than 3 days over the past 2 years and usually moves the guy of the moment right on in.

She’s pretty and sexy and has a good body.  She also has a black heart, could win an academy award for acting otherwise and absolutely destroyed TD and his confidence the 1st time around.  She claims to have changed.  To be a much better person and mother.  He’s told me for 2 years that he’d never ever get back together with her.  He’s told me I was nuts for thinking that.  Yet here they are, meeting to ‘talk’ and ‘get some questions answered’.  Uhm, who cares what the answers are if you’re not interested?  He claims to just want closure.  To be able to be civil with her.  To find out ‘why’.  I know him too well, I see the writing on the wall.

He told me that one of the things he would have to think about was alienating people.  Like who?  His current girlfriend?  He says his kids 1st and foremost.  As it should be.  They know all that’s happened.  They’ve heard all the horrible things that he has said about her.  They’ve heard him declare ‘never again’.  And now he’s going to do it.  His kids are going to be uber confused.  I know what he’ll do because it’s what they did at the beginning of the 1st go around.  They’re going to sneak around.  Isn’t everything more fun when you can do it CIA style?  I asked him who else he was worried about ‘alienating’ with this catastrophically bad decision.  He said his #2 concern in all of this was me.  (insert big fat snort here)

How could he even consider this? Why do I care?  Why do I worry that she’s going to destroy him again?  Why do I care that he’s going to sacrifice his self respect in order to go back to the familiar? You’re all smart cookies …….. you know why.  The same reason I’ve sacrificed my self respect in an attempt to be his ‘friend’. 😦



Just For Fun …….. Or Maybe For Sending…. May 23, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:08 pm
Tags: ,

As I always like to do, I have constructed several well thought out replies to TD’s shitty ex.  I doubt that I’ll send any of them, but it makes me feel better to write them all out.  And then edit them.  And then write different versions.  And then make them nicer.  And then make them shittier.  And then ramble on and address every single point she made.  And then decide that cryptic is better.  Below is my ‘favorite’ draft of the response I will most likely never send.  I’ve tried to use small words so that she can understand it.  It’s nasty and unsympathetic.  Just like her message to me was.  Enjoy.

Hi Bitchy Ex-Wife,

I had an entire other response to your message drafted, but I have decided that it’s really a waste of my time to try to explain things to you as we’ve been through this before and you continue to believe what you want to believe.

You know nothing about me or my intentions.  Shame on you for thinking I would use your kids in order to get close to TD.  You obviously have no idea what the situation is these days, so don’t ever presume to know me or my intentions.  We are nothing alike.  I’m sorry that you find it hard to believe that I enjoy their company for just that……..their company.

I love your children for their bright and wonderful personalities.  As their mother, you should realize how amazing they are.  You have insinuated that my gifts are some sort of bribe.  They’re not.  I put great thought into what to get them and always choose things that interest them.  I don’t care that you think my gifts are extravagant.  They’re not.  I assure you that they don’t cost anything near what you think and I don’t much care what you think of them.  You are not my concern.  They are.

As it was made clear to me that I was not welcome at the ceremony or party on Friday, I chose to take the high road and arranged to see S privately.  I had no idea you would be at the house.  I was there to see her.  Not TD and certainly not you.

I love your kids.  They love me.  I know they’re not my family.  You need to get over whatever ridiculous jealousies you have and accept the fact that I will ALWAYS be there for C & S when and if they need me to be, regardless of my situation with TD.

As you threw in a couple of intentionally hurtful statements to your e-mail, I will do the same.  I’m well aware that YOU would like TD back and he is as well.  I’ve seen all the past text messages and heard all about the invitations.  I’m sorry if you think I’m in your way; I assure you that I’m not.

I wish your intentions in sending that e-mail were to look out for the best interest of C & S.  It wasn’t.  It was to look out for yours.  I will always have your kids’ best interests at heart and nothing else.  You should try it sometime.  I would appreciate you not contacting me again J.  There is nothing less I like than a hypocrite and you are a huge one.

Fuck you ………… Grey Goose

Okay, I would never include the ‘fuck you’ part.  Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely think it, I just wouldn’t include it in the message.  I assume it would be more of an implied sign off. 😉


And Yes, I’m Keeping A Tracker …. April 27, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:10 am

It’s been 14 days since I’ve seen TD.  12 days since I sent my last e-mail saying we shouldn’t be friends.  6 days since he sent his awesome ‘i miss talking to you, but it’s probably a good idea we stay apart for now’.  Sadly it’s also been about 20 days since I’ve seen his kids.  That’s a pretty big deal considering I used to be over there at least 5 nights a week last year.  Hell, I used to go over to hang out with his kids when TD wasn’t even home!  I know I’ve missed some big milestones.  His daughter got her license.  She’s finally job hunting (no clue if she got anything).  She graduates in @ 2 weeks.  As it’s summer and in the 90s, I know they’re all going out on the boat on the weekends.  Now stop rolling your eyes.  I know I don’t belong.  I know he doesn’t deserve me.  I haven’t contacted any of them.  Until last night.  When his son FB messaged me.  He was with his girlfriend and they wanted to check in and see how I was doing.  As he usually contacts me when he needs a promo code from job #2, I asked.  He said ‘no, we just wanted you to know that we love you and miss talking to you’.  And he’s 16.  And just about the sweetest kid ever.  We messaged back and forth for a while about nothing in particular and ended by me thanking him for checking in and letting him know that it made my day (because it totally did).  I messaged his girlfriend this morning to thank her as well and she responded in kind adding ‘hopefully we’ll get to see you soon’.  I have no idea if they know the reasons behind my disappearance this time around, but if there’s anything I know about TD, his version will put me at fault.  Pretty sure his son knows better.  Regardless, I know I won’t be seeing any of them soon.  Or ever.  And that, my friends, truly breaks my heart.

Oddly enough, a friend of TD’s (one of about 2) who only gets together with him when he has wife issues or wants to watch a cute new bartender or cocktail waitress and needs an excuse to go out, messaged me last night as well.  He has this thing about flirting with TD’s girl friends.  I know he did it with the crazy key wielding ex and I know he does it with me.  I highly doubt that he does with horse-face-closet-dweller because, well, she has a face that looks like a horse’s.  I didn’t ask him anything about TD (yey me!), but he asked me the oddest thing.  He wanted to know about my tattoos.  Uhm, I don’t broadcast that I have them or run around in halter tops, so I was confused as to how he knew.  And he said that TD told him.  Uhm, why on earth would they be talking about my tattoos.  Anyway, I know that TD hates them.  I didn’t respond much and I certainly didn’t send him that picture of the one on my left hip bone!  Much to his dismay.  I’m not sure why he keeps contacting me.  He actually invited me out to meet he and TD last week.  Wanted to know if we were talking again.  Weird.  In the past, I would drop whatever I was doing in order to go meet them (any excuse to see TD, right?), but I declined and explained that it wasn’t a matter of us not talking and moreso one of us not being good for one another anymore.  Period.

Yes, I know this was a boring post, but I write these things to encourage myself to keep up with the no contact thing.  And yes, I realize that no contact with TD means no contact with his kids, but if they contact me first ……….. 😉


It Took A Year, But ………. April 17, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:41 pm
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It’s finally done.  No really.  This time it is.  The man brings absolutely nothing positive to my life anymore.  Oh wait, did you all just scream at the computer and call me very colorful names?  That’s okay, I deserve it.  This is what?  The 5th time I’ve said I’m done?  The 5th time I’ve said ‘no, really, this time I mean it’?  Well I really do.  I haven’t written about him lately as I figured I would save you all the effort of having to throw your computers, smart phones, tablets & whatevers out the window.  When last you heard, he was being a major dickhead to me because of The Closet Dweller (who, via text, is not so lovingly referred to as Horse Face).  He was mean to me on his birthday.  He was mean to me on Christmas.  He finally kicked me out of his life a few days after that.  And I went willingly.  I’ll be honest though; I hated how we ended.  It was ugly.  Anyway, sometime around mid February we attempted to tentatively try this ‘friendship’ thing again.  And it’s been a fiasco.  He had broken up with The Closet dweller after 5 fucked up months and I guess needed his ‘friend’ back.  As I’m the world’s biggest moron, I went.  And for a few weeks we were fine.  He took his kids to New York, he texted, we kept in touch.  He told me that he just wasn’t excited about a relationship with Horse Face (sound familiar?  Well it should as those are the exact same words he said about me long ago).  That he just wasn’t thrilled by her.  That he didn’t feel that ‘I can’t live without you’ feeling that he said he always wanted (and again told me he didn’t feel with me).  He said that she was just ‘okay’.  Uhm……… okay.  Then he decided he missed her and that ‘they’ deserved a 2nd chance.  And that’s when things got ugly with us again.  I was jealous beyond belief.  How on earth could this uneducated, fugly, train wreck of a person deserve all the chances and 2nd chances that I never got?  I will absolutely take 1/2 the blame this time.  I turned into this overly emotional, needy, whiny, bitchy mess of a human being and I was pretty hard on him.  As an added bonus, I would insult The Closet Dweller every chance I got *hanging head in shame*.  No, I never actually met her, but I would say bad things to him.  Yes, very mature, I know.  TD has a very long list of double standards that he abides by (he will not respond to a text or phone call when he is with ‘her’, but will not hesitate to text and talk on the phone to her in front of me’.  I hated that.  And was a big baby about it.  TD got very angry with me.  Many times.  And we fought.  A lot.

It all came to a head on Saturday when we went to a poker tournament together.  He had come over earlier in the day to help with a few things around the house and then we went to dinner and the tournament.  Of course, he was texting with her the whole time *gag*.  On one of the poker breaks I went to the bathroom (for all of about 2 minutes) and when I got back he said ‘I know you’re going to be mad, but I have to go meet Horse Face’.  I asked the ever inflammatory ‘why’ (as I kinda thought he was being rude) and he had one of his patented hissy fits and stormed off.  What followed was a lovely strand of text messages between us.  The gist of mine being ‘you had all day to tell me that you were meeting her later and didn’t. thanks for leaving me in a room full of people I don’t know and sticking me with the check’.  He sent back some choice statements of his own.  I ended by typing those words that I never ever said before.  Or if I did, it was a watered down version and I didn’t really mean them. “I Don’t Think We Should Be Friends Anymore”.

After 2 days of silence he sent an e mail letting me know this was mainly my fault and blah blah blah.  I responded by admitting that I have been a whiny, needy, snarky mess lately, but it was caused by him.  And then I told him how much he had hurt me last year and how impossible it was for me to sit by and watch him date and then be in a relationship when all along, I was hoping he’d change his mind.  I also told him his temper was out of control regarding me and that I’d never seen this side of him before.  I told him that he was making me miserable and I needed to ‘go find my happy’ again and I couldn’t do that with him in my life.  He responded with a fairly nice e-mail suggesting that we ‘not be friends right now’.  Uhm, whatever …. I said it first and I meant ever.

So here I sit.  A little bit weepy.  A little bit proud of myself.  A little sad that he never changed his mind about me.  A little ‘what if’ regarding if he would have come found me if I had really walked away back in February (I think he would have).  A bit regretful that it got so ugly and we ended this way.   I know I did the right thing.  He brings nothing positive to my life anymore and I’m sick of being miserable.  TD is all about TD these days so I finally need to be all about me.

The end.  I’m going to die alone ………..



Power Outage March 13, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:14 pm
Tags: , , ,

*warning* short, but introspective and sad(ish) post to follow*

And yes, it involves TD.  Get over it.  Nope, not gonna rehash everything.  Not going to wonder ‘why’.  Or better yet, ‘why not’.  People that used to see us together thought we were the perfect couple ~ even when we weren’t ever technically ‘a couple’.  Everyone told us that.  His friends, my friends, random people in bars.  We were.  We laughed, we glowed, we made each other want to be a better person.  I was at my best with him (for however short a time it was).

I am well aware that I have changed, and not for the better, over the past year thanks to him.  I’ve become sad and unsure of myself.  I’ve questioned myself, him and everything more times than I care to remember.  I know I’m not nearly the person I used to be and that instead of making me a better person like he used to, TD makes me a worse one.

My realtor guru said it best tonight.  We’ve known each other for years.  I consider her a friend.  She called me after meeting TD and I.  Don’t ask why we were together, it’s a business deal that we’re trying to get out of.  She’d never seen us together before.  She has listened to all my bitching and moaning about him and all that he’s done/not done to/for me over the past year and a half.  She thinks I’m a great person.  Fun and lively; witty, smart and thoughtful.  She called me after she left tonight to let me know that although she couldn’t get a good handle on TD from the short amount of time that she was with us, she hated how I ‘changed’ from the time that we were together talking to when he walked in.  She hated who I automatically turned into.  She said it made her sad.  She said that I totally changed and that I reminded her of one of those horrible after school specials where you can always pick out the battered woman.  The one who is being controlled or always afraid of doing something wrong.  She said that was me.  What she also said, that I don’t think I’ll ever forget and makes me exceptionally sad to have let anyone do this to me is simply this:

He walked in and your light went out.  😦 

I may actually cry………


I’ll Need My Decoder Ring Back……. January 14, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:12 am
Tags: , , , ,

So we all know about the amazing implosion of my friendship with TD.  We all know that it was long past due.  And that I ended it first.  And then he declared a break.  And sent me a shitty non-apology e-mail.  And that I pretty much haven’t spoken to him since (aside from when I took his daughter to dinner).  And I’m doing my best to not even think about him.  And know that I’m better off and made the right choice in finally walking away.  And then, just to prove that I will never understand that man, I get this last night:

You have been quiet and a really don’t know where we stand right now. I hope you are well and happy. I’m very sorry for being such a shitty friend lately, I feel I have let you down. I also feel that maybe it would be good for you to distance yourself from us a little. At least that’s what I have been told by others, and I was selfishly keeping you in my life and my kids lives probably too much. Im really not sure.
I know you are very frustrated with relationships and I truly hope that will turn around someday soon. This seemed to be the week for breakups as The Key Wielding Next Door Neighbor Ex’s BF is clearly not there anymore and My ex wifes just broke up with her BF today. She said she will take some time away from relationships for a while. Hope she does but it will not be easy for her.
My daughter made her first bread yesterday…she sent you a picture, not sure if you saw it. My son did the food serving thing and liked it a lot more. I hope you are keeping warm and didn’t get sick. Crazy cold weather.
Why would he send this?  Why, when I AM distancing myself, would he go out of his way to contact me to suggest that I distance myself?

Just Another Monday Night January 1, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:49 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I guess I could have titled this post ‘My Night With Ted’, but  didn’t.  So for any of you who actually live under a rock (and my apologies if you do), last night was New Year’s Eve.  What’s a non hideous, tall, blonde, single, over the hill woman to do on such a night?  Well, I could have gone out.  I could have gone to a party.  I could have done laundry.  I could have trolled internet dating sites.  I could have spent it with Ted.  And no, smart-asses, NONE of my dogs are named Ted.  As I wouldn’t go out on NYE if you paid me, I wasn’t actually invited to any parties, having to tell people I did laundry on NYE might have caused me throw myself off my rooftop and I haven’t actually logged into any of my dating sites (there’s only 2 currently, calm down) in over a month, none of these options appealed to me.  As it would make me sound like a loser to say I picked up Chinese food and a 6 pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I won’t say that either.  Although I did.  Shhhhhh.

So I sat at home.  With Ted.  Eating Chinese food and drinking beverages favored by the 18 and younger crowd.  I talked on the phone to a friend for a while.  I sent some text message.  I thought about sending a Happy New Year message to TD.  But didn’t.  Round of applause people!  Although you all know that I stopped talking to TD on Friday, there was a bit of a text war on Saturday morning.  And for once, I didn’t do one damn thing to deserve it.  And I didn’t recognize the mean and hurtful man who was texting me.  And I was in shock.  We’ve certainly had our share of ups and downs and I’m certainly willing to take the blame for my part in them, but I did NOTHING to deserve what he aimed in my direction that morning.  Although I know his anger and frustration was due to the highly paranoid and untrusting closet dweller, TD actually had no idea what he was sending in my direction.  And I’d had enough.  And just stopped responding.  We all know that it’s absolutely in my nature to try to ‘explain’ my point of view or feel guilty and apologize (sometimes for things I didn’t even do), but this time was different.  The anger and accusations that he hurled at me on Saturday were truly unbelievable.  So I just stopped.  His last 2 texts to me on Saturday night were hugely apologetic, admitting that he had acted irrationally, that he couldn’t believe he’d said everything he had to me, that he didn’t even recognize himself and that he’d never forgive himself.  And I still didn’t respond.  And still haven’t.  Although you all know good and well that I have not one, but two versions of an e-mail sitting in my draft folder just for him.  And there they’ll stay.  Each time I feel ‘on the brink’ of wanting to contact him, I just read back through the text strand from Saturday morning and get pissed off all over again…..

Whoopsie, got a bit off track.  Anyway, I got a Happy New Year message from TD’s son at midnight and I sent one back.  I sent one to his sister as well.  And no one else. 🙂

So not only was my NYE boring, but it was filled with good decisions (yey me!), MSG, my awesome doggies, and Ted.  An adorable stuffed bear that has a penchant for hookers.  Damn funny movie people and just what I needed!

Happy New Year all!!


Flat On My Back ……. Or, As If I Needed Another Reason To Hate FB December 28, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:02 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

What have I been up to?  Nothing good; that’s for sure.  Nothing that doesn’t involve me being flat on my back.  Minds out of the gutter people.  I could be so lucky.  I threw my back out.  And no, not doing anything fun, dammit.  I did it working.  Job #2.  Which I already kinda hated but knew I needed it for a reason.  Now I’m physically unable to do it and need to pull my shit together and either suck it up and deal with it, or start renewing my love of ramen noodles.  🙂 Okay, so it’s not that bad.  Yet.  But we all know how overly dramatic I like to be.

As I’ve been absent for a few weeks, one would assume it’s because I’ve finally told TD to fuck off and I’ve been in a funk because of it.  Too bad that’s only half accurate.  Guess which half?

Here’s a hint.  He actually wants me to meet the closet dweller.  Really?  He thinks it would make things easier on him if she met me.  Of course it will.  She doesn’t trust him.  She doesn’t trust me.  She’s jealous of me.  She drives by his house and gets pissed every time she sees my car there.  He’s banned me from the house since Christmas.  When she accused him of cheating on her with me.  Again.  Who knew I was being timed and that she was pissed when she did an ‘accidental’ drive by (he lives in a cul-de-sac, by the way) at 10am and she saw my car there.  Imagine how pissed she was when she did another accidental drive by (probably just one of many more that day) and saw my car still there at 10pm?  Along with 10 other cars that belonged to his family members.  She obviously isn’t the smartest apple on the tree as she accused him of cheating on her.  With me.  While not only his entire extended family was in the house, but all of his kids as well.  Uhm ….. if there was something to hide, could she not even give us enough credit to put my car in his garage?  Or around the block?  Apparently she’s an accomplished facebook stalker too (shush, I’m just better at it).  She’s seen his posts, my posts, his pictures, my pictures and all alse for the past year+.  She’s always known about me.  Why would she even start something with him if she thought I was anything more than a friend?  Why would she not trust him after this long?  At least a little bit?  Why would she whine and moan about all my pictures of all of us together as well as all of my postings that have anything to do with his family?  Best yet, why the hell would she get mad when she saw that I blocked her (within 2 hours, thank you very much)?  That I was tired of having to ‘watch’ what I said or the pictures I posted because she would get mad at him (and mind you, we’re talking completely innocent things here).  It’s now been requested that I unblock her.  So she can go back to checking my page multiple times a day.

He enables her to be so paranoid.  He excuses her inexcusable behaviour again and again.  He justified her ‘drive bys’.  He justified her paranoia.  He justified the fact that by meeting me, she will trust him more.  Apparently based on my sparkling personality more than his own merits?  So annoying.  So yes, I am banned from his house.  He knows that if she sees my car in his driveway, she’ll dump him.  Naturally I questioned him about this imposed ban.  And sort of told him to fuck off and that I was tired of taking the blame for her insecurities.  Oh wait, did I forget to mention that he literally screamed at me on X-Mas?  And dis-invited me the next day?  And blamed me for everything?  And blames her for nothing?  And has now played the ‘I’d do anything for you because I’m your friend’ card on me in order to get me to meet her?  And when I told him where he could shove his brilliant idea and how dare he put me in that situation, that he then reached for the ‘you must still have feelings for me card?’  And when I told him that none of this was fair to me to be blamed for everything and be made to take the brunt of all his frustrations regarding everything (work, life, her, me, kids, crazy key wielding ex girlfriend next door neighbor) and that I was sick of it that he actually acknowledged how unfair all of this is to me?  That he feels horrible and knows he’s putting me in an unfair spot that pretty much has no ‘good’ outcome where I am concerned?  And that since I’m such a pathetic pushover and in the end just want everyone to be happy (aside from myself apparently) that I agreed?

Yes ladies and gentleman; I’m just that pathetic.  And wish them the best of luck in their fucked up mistrustful, paranoid, ridiculous relationship……. I can’t really think of anything that I’d like to do less than to meet her.  Even if I never had feelings for him, I still thinks she kinda sucks for testing him all the time and making him work so hard.  Then again, I think he kinda sucks for allowing her to do it.  And for putting me in the middle of it all.  😦

The only caveat I put on this amazing meeting (don’t you wish I could u-tube the whole fucked up thing?) was that it had to be somewhere that had a bar.  And that he was paying.  Monetarily of course, as we all know who’ll get footed with the emotional bill that comes out of all of this while they ride happily into the sunset together ….. he may have actually pushed me too far this time ………… maybe


Words From A Very Wise Friend November 29, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
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This blog has has had some very unexpected results.  I have made some wonderful friends.  Wonderful friends who care about me and my well being.  Wonderful friends that live far and wide.  Wonderful friends who personally e-mail me their concerns and virtual smacks in the head (which I usually readily ignore).  They will never know how much their words mean to me.  I take them all to heart.  I wish I were strong enough right now to fully listen and do what I know I need to do, but I’m not there yet.  YET.  Although I received several messages in regards to my ‘non surprise party’ post, this particular letter encapsulated it all.  I am posting it for all to see (I hope you don’t mind, dear friend) and so I can refer back to it daily hourly whenever I need to be reminded……..
First off…UGH! What a nightmare party. I know exactly how you must have felt…pissed that he was a jerk, sad b/c you wanted him to treat you  (at very least) like his sweet friend who put so much time and effort into making him happy, guilty for thinking of your own wants and needs, confused at his behavior, used as if you were working the party instead of a guest and friend, insignificant b/c he not only ignored you for the first part of the evening, but also b/c he couldn’t put his phone down for a few hours….
Girl I KNOW how you feel…b/c I have been there…the “friend” of a man who constantly needs me, until he doesn’t.
What I’m about to say, you will probably be defensive of…but…he is NOT your best friend. He is not even your friend. I think he once was, but he’s turned his back on that and is now only concerned with himself.
You keep trying to salvage all this b/c you don’t want to lose your friendship…but the ONLY person being a friend right now (and for a long while)…is YOU. You are his best friend. You are his security blanket. You are his social life. You are his kid’s friend (and blessedly, they are yours). But he is not your friend…not anymore.
Let me remind you what friends are like:
Friends don’t make you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with them. Friends are delighted to be with you.
  • Friends don’t play on your insecurities. Friends build you up.
  • Friends don’t criticize your quirks. Friends love you in spite of…or more likely BECAUSE of, your quirks.
  • Friends don’t openly ignore you. Friends are proud to show the world that you are in their life.
  • Friends don’t worry about you being close to their kids. Friends encourage it b/c they would be proud if their kids learned something from you.
  • Friends don’t use and take. Friends GIVE and take.
  • .
I could go on. But my basic point is this: He NEEDS you for whatever reason. He’s scared to be without you. However, I believe he will disappear the moment he has a replacement for you. And THAT is why he doesn’t want people to think you are dating…and he doesn’t want his kids to be attached to you. Because if you become ingrained with the people in his life, it will be harder to shut you completely out. He will be constantly asked about you…people will wonder where you went…he’ll see how much his kids miss you…and his guilt will be amplified.
The things he says and does to mitigate the damage he’s done once he’s hurt you (again)…is all to ease his own concious. He hates to feel guilty, like the bad guy. He wants to be able to blame you for things going wrong so he can move on guilt free. Take the party for instance, you worked your ass off to make that happen…you gave him a great party b/c you care about him. By the end of the night, instead of calling the group together to thank you publicly…instead of hugging you and telling you that you made his 50th awesome and unforgettable…he TURNED THE TABLES and instigated a fight with you. Not only did he instigate a fight…but he made it seem as if you had done something wrong.
So guess what…he got to go to bed that night and not feel guilty about treating you like “the help” at the party…because he’d decided you were a baaaaad friend to make him lie to people and his kids about knowing about the party….and you were a baaaad friend for being accusatory over his texting.
What a DICK!!!!
I’m so, so, so sorry that you are hurting…and that you’ve been hurting for so long. I don’t want to add to it…but I want you to realize that you are losing more by staying, than by letting go. And the messier things get…the more difficult it will be to salvage anything remotely resembling a friendship with him.
Once upon a time he was a good man and a good friend…but right now he’s not.
It’s all so much easier said than done…and you can’t do anything before you’re ready…but I hope you are ready soon. I’m sad that you are losing time by being in this toxic relationship…and I’m scared he’s going to REALLY hurt you someday soon.
It’s true ……. every single word of it.  And it breaks my heart that he’s no longer the man that he once was.  I need to stop remembering how he was and recognize who he is today ………… 😦

Why I’m A Moron, Part 4,327 November 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:44 am
Tags: , , , , ,

So all two of you that must bang your heads into the nearest wall whenever you read those awesome initials TD are going to love this.  I haven’t written about him much as really, there’s not much to write that’s any different from before.  Aside from the fact that in spite of thinking he’s a delusional moron, I still consider him my best friend.  As he does me.  Anyway, we still hang out, just less than before.  He actually told me that he was pre-emptively cutting back our time together in preparation for when he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me.  What?  Yes, that’s how his emotionally retarded, engineering mind works.  He’s going to be an ass now, so it won’t come as such a shock when he does it later.  Okay…….

I just enjoy any time I can with he and his kids as I know it’s all coming to an end.  If he’s really interested in some woman who cancels on him left and right, is still in love with her cheating soon to be ex husband, and who sits in a closet in order to feel emotionally ‘safe’, then more power to him.  Them both really.  They may be perfect for each other.

The story I am about to tell won’t have a follow-up until next week because we all know that it’s absolutely going to require one.  Why, you ask?  Or not, too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway.  TD’s 50th birthday is on Monday.  He’s always said he never wants to be in town for his birthday so even though I knew there was a good possibility that he’d be in a relationship, I planned a trip.  For us.  Fully intending to hand it over to he and whoever should he be in a ‘relationship’ when the date hit.  As he and the closet dwelling lunch lady can’t possibly be in a ‘relationship’ as she only gives him about 2 hours face time a week, I figured I’d take him.  Stop yelling at me …… it’s his 50th and that deserves something special to be done for him.  Absolutely it’s something a wife or girlfriend should do for him, but as that’s not happening, I can’t let the date pass without doing something.  As the fates would have it though, his ex wife has thrown a wrench in the plans and booked her own trip leaving on his birthday.  Uhm, wtf?  So this means TD has the kids.  And my 3 day weekend away has turned into 1 night, having us return ON his actual birthday.  Shit.  Now what?!

I’ll have you know that although I do this for a living, I have never ever planned a party of my own.  Much less a surprise one.  Much less a surprise party for my non boyfriend.  Who doesn’t have a lot of friends.  And whose friends I have no clue how to get ahold of.  Good times.  So now I’m scrambling to throw together a party for him that I will have all of 2 hours to set up and try to surprise him with upon our return.  Any bets that I fuck it up?  Regardless of his flakey friends most likely not showing.  Regardless of being able to coordinate this all from out of town.  Regardless of trying to make this an actual surprise, I have to invite ‘her’.  Crap.  As it’s not my party though and he apparently likes this unattractive train wreck of a woman, then she needs to be invited.  I have no clue if she’ll show or not.  I also have no clue how I’m going to deal with this.  I won’t have any of my own friends there to support me and honestly, TD’s friends aren’t the ‘warm fuzzy’ type so I’m pretty much screwed.  I just hope I don’t start crying should he hang all over her or god forbid, kiss her in front of me………

I had a blog friend ask me what I hoped/expected from the evening.  I HOPE that TD is surprised.  That he realized that he has some good friends and has a good time.  What I EXPECT, I told her, is the same.  I hope it doesn’t tank.  I hope I don’t freak out.  And honestly, I hope I intimidate the hell out of the closet dwelling lunch lady …….. if she manages to leave her closet long enough to show up.

Well, I must run.  I have dinner plans.  With TD, of course.  You’re welcome for me making you all seem totally sane and rational and ‘together’ when it comes to guys! 😉  I may actually be the definition of a co-dependent idiot …….


Monday Man Count November 5, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:45 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I thought that title was a bit more chipper than ‘damn, today sucks’ don’t you think?  It has been a typical Monday though.  Boo.  I had a good weekend though.  A decent date on Friday.  A decent comedy show on Saturday.  A decent day on the lake on Sunday.  Now, I could end my post right here and we’d be all caught up, but that’s not really why you all are silly enough to read my stuff.  You want to hear about my dating.  Or lack thereof.  Or my ongoing retardedness with TD.  (which I wish there was a lack thereof).

Let’s start with the most annoying first.  And I’m not even talking about all the scary looking men and their grandfathers that have ‘favorited’ me on Match.  It’s just bad.  No, really.  Anyway, I told you all about TD and his awesome declaration of ‘never’ to me.  What I don’t think I made clear was his insistence that things didn’t happen the way they actually happened.  He doesn’t remember stating that I was ‘the one’.  He doesn’t remember that he’s the one that pulled me back in in January and again in February when I tried to walk away.  He doesn’t remember his numerous text messages and phone calls regarding how amazing I was and that he missed me.  He ‘remembers’ (and by remember, I mean is absolutely certain that his deluded version is the actual version) that I’m the one that always came back.  That’s he was ready for me to walk away and never see him again every time.  That I’m the one that always initiated ‘boundary issues’.  That I’m the one pretty much at fault.  Sure, he’s sorry and feels horribly guilty, but for all the wrong reasons.  Instead of feeling bad for initiating any boundary issues, he feels bad for going along with what he thinks I initiated.  You get the idea.  Me, bad guy.  Him, victim.  Yey.  The worst part of all of this is that contrary to popular belief that all bitches are good arguers, is that I suck at it.  I get nervous and rarely never want to intentionally make anyone feel  bad.  I will either laugh nervously or totally clam up.  I did both of these things with him.  I remember it all.  Every single word, action and event that happened.  I didn’t ‘remind’ him of any of it though.  I guess I didn’t feel the need to ‘win’ this disagreement.  I now feel like a total fool however as he still thinks that it was all me.  And probably still wonders why I have had such a hard time letting go since all he remembers is agreeing to ‘date’ and not that he had me convinced of ‘our’ future together.  Eh, whatever.  A blog friend asked me if he was slightly autistic.  Although I do think he may suffer from Asberger Syndrome (or just being an ass), I fear that I am the moron in this scenario.

Enough about him though.  Let’s talk more about my date from Friday!  You remember, the good one?  The one where he said he had a great time and would love to see me again?  Yeah, that one!  Haven’t heard a word from him.  Apparently I’m not all that worried about it as I haven’t tried contacting him either.  Boo.

As it’s the holiday season which is apparently some unwritten code for onine dating frenzy, I have several men asking me out.  It’s gotta be the season as I haven’t gotten this much attention all year.  Here’s the rundown:

E-Harm Guy #1 ~ was supposed to meet tomorrow but he needs to reschedule as he was actually stupid silly enough to schedule on his friggin’ birthday and his friends are taking him out.  I’ll give him a pass for that.  Not sure that I’ll be attracted to him, but he seems really nice.  We are supposed to get together sometime next week.

E-Harm Guy #2 ~ could quite possibly be 55+ but claims to ‘only’ be 49.  No clue if I’ll follow through on meeting him as he also said he’s 5’10” which pretty much means 5’8″

Match Guy #1 ~ pics are pretty darn cute.  He seems a bit ‘artsy’ though.  I’m anything but.  He wants to meet up sometime next week (what is wrong with this week, people?)

Match Guy #2 ~ might actually be the older brother of E-Harm #2 guy.  Wants to meet for ‘a beverage’ at an outdoor mall and then find a ‘suitable place to talk’.  Uhm, does this mean we’re not going to a bar?  Supposed to meet him on Thursday.

Match Guy #3 ~ could very well be a big perv.  Not sure.  He seems funny, but his profile is a bit iffy.

Now I realize that some of you are of the mindset that I should not go out with anyone that I am less than excited about as it’s just a waste of mine and his time.  And normally, I would agree.  However, these are special circumstances.  The holidays are coming up and I need to capitalize on my faux popularity while I can.  I am currently in my ‘old’ mindset of not wanting to judge too harshly regarding pics and profiles and subsequently miss out on someone good (and by good, I mean not absolutely horrendous).  Mostly though, I need to keep myself busy (not that my 2 jobs leave much time to ever be bored) and away from TD.  Yeah, you all knew he was going to come up yet again in this post, right?


OH! And the gal that I met last week at the Match Mixer that totally invited me to the mixer that’s tonight (that I didn’t get asked to) never contacted me!  Guess who she did go out of her way to stalk track down on Match (which had to have been hard to do as she knew next to nothing about him) and message?  Yup, that would be TD.  They talked for all of 2.7 seconds and didn’t even exchange names.  Geesh…….


November 1st November 1, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:37 pm
Tags: , , , ,

For those of you that have been stupid bored insane  reading me for a while, you might recall that this day last year was one of the happiest days for me.  Ever.  It was the day that I thought I was finally going to get what I had hoped for and deserved for so many years.  That ever elusive feeling of absolute shock and joy that the man who you want, actually wants you too!  As we also know, that euphoria lasted all of about 10 days.  Until he dumped my ass due to ‘not being ready’.  What ensued was 365 days of uncertainty, hope, sorrow, laughter, tears and every other single emotion.  I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.  Mainly because of TD.  I held out hope that he would change his mind (yes, again) and choose me.  I opted to believe all that he said, all that he did, all that he promised me.  I, in turn, promised to patient and wait while he figured things out.  It’s been a crazy year.  I’ve been led on by him, I’ve opted to ignore what was really going on in exchange for believing what I wanted to believe.  I deluded myself time and again that he would ‘come around’.  Guess what?  He’s not.

I was over at his house last night handing out Halloween candy to the kiddos.  We were having a great time.  In the back of my mind I knew that Halloween of last year is when I spilled my guts to him about my interest (the first of MANY overshares) and then the following day, November 1st, is when he flat out told me that I was ‘the one’.   That I was ‘the one he saw a future with’.  He spoke in absolute terms of us and we and together and forever.  And I believed it.  Because I wanted to.  I tried to walk away 4 times.   Twice he called me back and the last two, well, I was the one to cave.  Anyway, I tried to push that all aside last night.  Too bad I couldn’t.  The evening ended with me telling him that today (November 1st) would be a very tough day for me due to what happened last year on this day.  That this day last year, I thought I was finally getting everything I wanted.  He looked quizzically at me and corrected me that it couldn’t possibly be ‘everything I wanted’ because he had only agreed to try dating.  Uhm …….. what?  In his head and memory, he has everything exactly backwards.  Instead of it being me that wanted to try just dating and him being the one to try to turn everything into now and forever via an instant relationship,  he truly remembers it as the opposite happening.  Too bad I have this blog to refer back to ……. it wasn’t me.  It was him.  Anyway, once I reminded him of what really transpired he dropped the bomb of ‘I honestly don’t remember it happening that way, but it never would have worked between us anyway’.  Ouch.

I won’t bore you with the details, but there was another long and drawn out conversation about ‘stuff’ today and forever more November 1st will not be in my memory as the day that TD told me that I was his ONE.  It will be the day that TD told me that I will NEVER be his ONE.  😦  Not sure how I feel about that.  No tears have been shed and although sure, I am sad to actually hear it, I think I needed to.  Pretty sure I’ve always and always would hold out hope that he would change his mind.  In the past he would never tell me that it would never be me.  Even when I’ve flat out asked him.  Last night and today though, he finally said ‘never’.