The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Friendship After Romance, it won’t be easy but is possible ~ Guest Blog Post By Matthew December 1, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:54 am
Tags: , , , ,
Apparently Matthew has his head on straighter than mine regarding this concept.  Either that, or he’s not been paying attention ;-).  Anyway, please enjoy another great guest blog post by Matthew!
First a re-cap. Beginning in September I began dating a girl, DS. We met on OkCupid. A couple of months before we met, she began dating another boy she met on the site. Thus, when we started dating she was still dating this guy too. That’s what dating is right? Sure. In the beginning, yes, it’s reasonable to dating two, three, four people at a time. But when things begin to get serious decisions need to be made. That’s what happened here. Things began to get serious and she eventually needed to make a choice, him or me. Ultimately, she chose him. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still have feelings/a crush on me. She does (as she admitted to me last night…but we’ll get to that).
What about me? How did I take it when she told me she “felt in her gut that she had to see where things would go with [him]”? It stung. It hurt. It surprised me. I honestly had not seen it going that way because things were going extremely well between us. She knew this. She knew there would be a strong chance of us being happy together. Perhaps she was afraid of this, perhaps not. I’ll never really know for sure.
What a lot of it comes down to is timing. Yes. I hate saying it, but timing apparently does matter. In this case, the timing was off. She was/is not ready to be with a man like me. Her choice has nothing to do with me, the type of man I am, or any choices I made while we were dating.
However, to move on I had to shut the door on there being a possibility of there ever being anything other than friendship between us. More than that, I needed to make sure she understood that. That would be the only way we would be able to maintain a friendship. That would be the only way I would be able to respect myself.
Before I get into everything else, I know there are some of you out there who are calling me ‘not-so-colorful’ words because I’m still talking to this girl and keeping her in my life. Some of you may say I’m trying to hold on to the hope of there being something between us in the future. Some of you think I’m getting played. I hear you. I respect your opinions. I’ve been told these things by many friends.
Here’s my point of view. I have moved on from her. Do some things sting occasionally, yes. Would part of me be open to giving things another chance if timing ends up working in our favor? Perhaps, but she would most certainly need to earn it first. I’d feel like I came up ‘second fiddle’ and she would need to prove to me otherwise. This does not mean I’m pining away inside, secretly wanting her relationship to crash and burn.
I want her to be happy. That is it.
Being her friend. Being in her life, her being in my life makes me happy. Just because one aspect of our relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean that I just toss aside the numerous other aspects of the relationship we began building back in September. Our relationship was more than romantic. We built a friendship. We built a bond that is very rare.
I don’t have many friends here in Kansas City. My closest friends are spread around the country. The friends I do have here are at different stages in their lives that myself (both are married and just recently had their first child). I’ve lived here for almost 6 years. In those 6 years I have met someone, and developed this particular type of bond, with two people (that’s including DS). I am not kidding when I say what we have is rare.
So, last night we went out. This was the first time we had seen each other in precisely 4 weeks. This was the first time we’ve seen each other since she made her choice. This was the first time we would be going out just as friends.
And it was great.
Our dynamic had not changed at all when it came to conversation, laughing, picking on the other, and genuinely enjoying the others company. We did acknowledge the ‘elephant’ in the room from time to time. She feels guilty for hurting me. She feels guilty for the situation she had put me in while we were dating. Rightfully so I would poke at that guilt, here and there, with some comments. Nothing too mean, but just enough to make a point. She doesn’t hold it against me. I’m allowed to make my little jabs about how her taste in men is abysmal. How she made the wrong choice. And so on, and so forth.
I also made a point last night that I did not want to be the reason she and [him] break up, should that ever happen. Needless to say, he isn’t too thrilled she and I are remaining friends. He has some jealousy. I would too if a girl I was dating was remaining friends with a guy she was just dating, and whom she had slept with. There is probably a good chance he knows she still has a little bit of a crush on me, considering that she told me she talks about me (from time to time) in front of him.
What do I gather from that? Her relationship with [him] is probably destined to fail. Have I considered not being her friend as an act of respect for their relationship? Yes. Am I going to abandon our friendship? No. We don’t talk as much. We don’t text as much. We don’t see each other as often as we did.
A friend of mine asked me what I get out of being friends with her. I get a lot. As I said earlier, I don’t throw everything away simply because one little thing didn’t work out; not when I’ve grown to care about someone.
Is she ‘getting her cake and eating it too’? Yes. She and I both discussed exactly that last night. We both agree that she’s getting a pretty good deal right now. I said to her, “You’ve kind of got the best of both worlds right now. You are dating him and you still have me around in your life. You haven’t lost anything in this deal.” Her response to this, “No. I have lost something.”
This implies, again, any potential future for she and I to be more than just friends. The fact that she feels this way, that she believes this, speaks loudly that her currently relationship is merely a transition period to get her from Point A to Point B in her life. And she knows that she’s sealed her own fate in not getting to be with a man who would not only treat her well, but make her happy.
On a lighter note, I’m currently speaking with a girl on OkCupid whom I’m going to take the next step and ask if she would like to meet.

To the future.


14 Responses to “Friendship After Romance, it won’t be easy but is possible ~ Guest Blog Post By Matthew”

  1. Please be careful Matthew. I realize that you’re probably much better than I at this, but I was ‘okay’ with the concept too when I knew that I was his favorite. That he would probably never choose anyone to put above me. Until he did …….

    • Matthew Says:

      Thing is, I’m not looking to be her favorite anything, or have her place me above anyone else. How she currently feels about me is irrelevant. Crush or no, that doesn’t mean a thing to me.

      And thanks for that little jab in the intro. 😉

      • I didn’t mean it to be a jab, Matthew. I’m sorry if you took it that way. I’m jealous that you’re obviously better able to do something like this than I am…….

        • Matthew Says:

          GG, I know. Trust me. Didn’t my winky-face give that away? I didn’t take it personally.

          And hey, you’ll get there…but not too quickly because then you’ll no longer have any need for me. 😉 (there’s that wink again).

    • Matthew Says:

      …but I do appreciate the concern. I’ll let you know if I end up biting my own hand that feeds me. 😉

  2. Matthew, you’re talking in circles. You can’t say you’ve moved on if a part of you would still give her a second chance. You have to be honest with yourself. What you guys built couldn’t be so rare and special if she chose the next dude. This isn’t rare. A lot of women are using guys for attention. She knows she can hangout with you for validation and then go back to her dude. Plus she’s scandalous and disrespectful for having a dude and hanging out with you. This could be dangerous because you don’t know what she’s telling him. Avoid bullshit love triangles. You want to respect yourself? Charge this girl to the game and upgrade your game. Start dealing with women who are giving you 100% cooperation. You don’t have to play the “friend” role for scandalous women. Want more for yourself.

    • Matthew Says:

      Thanks for the feedback…

      But am I talking in circles? I never said concretely that I’d give her a second chance. I said ‘perhaps’ merely because you never know what you could think/feel a month from now, a year from now, so on and so forth. Don’t tell me you’ve never given a single person in your life a second chance at something. People make mistakes, etc. Does that mean we should immediately think they are cruel, a liar, malicious despite anything and everything else they’ve done since you’ve known them?

      What is so scandalous and disrespectful for her having a guy and hanging out with a male friend? Am I scandalous and disrespectful when I’m dating a woman and hanging out with a female friend one-on-one (regardless of whether we dated before, or not)? I’m not if I don’t hide it from her. I know she wasn’t hiding the fact she was out with me from him. How do I know? I saw a short IM conversation they had while I was letting her use my computer that night.

      I’m sorry you don’t feel that even friendship can be rare and special. I’m not “playing” friend, because I don’t play games. I tell people what I think, what I feel and give them honesty. She has been done the exact same in return since I’ve known her. I could choose to believe she’s playing a devious game and using me, but I don’t like being cynical and expecting the worst out of people. I went through a period of my life guarded like that…and I was miserable the entire time.

      We dated for less than two months. We weren’t in a committed relationship together. It wasn’t that she met some other guy and left me for him. If any game were being “played” it was the strictly the game called Dating. Which to my understanding is finding someone with whom you have both chemistry and timing (obvious other things too) with.

      We had the chemistry, it was our timing that was off. She wasn’t ready to be with a guy like me. A good guy. A guy who knows he deserves a good woman in return who is going to just as crazy for him, as he is for her. Eventually, I know I’ll met that woman.

      Do those sound like the words of a guy who should want more for himself?

      • Personally, I haven’t let women back in my life that decided to date someone else. I don’t believe in moving backwards with women. I think it’s scandalous and disrespectful because you guys aren’t friends. You’re only friends because she chose the next dude. If she was your girl, you would not want her hanging out with a guy she was banging two months ago. I actually blame her new dude for allowing this to happen.

        As far as timing, that’s not what the dating game is about. You should expect 100% cooperation from the women you deal with. Meaning when you starting dating her and she told you she was dating other guys, you should have told her she only needs to date you. You don’t deal with women who are dating other men. You are only going to get what you allow. Women will only do what you allow them to do. If you think you guys are friends, keep doing what you’re doing. Nothing I can say will change that.

        • Matthew Says:

          This is the problem Reema. Too many people view dating as a game. They treat it like a game, which means that in the end that’s all it’s going to have been…a game. That isn’t real. Typically, games are synonymous with trying to win (or win something). When I’m dating I’m not trying to win anything. I date in the hopes to find a woman who both compliments and challenges me; a woman who accepts me for who I am yet charges me never to remain complacent and strive to constantly grow as a person. If my way of dating is to be considered a game, the woman I choose to be with is not the prize, but my teammate.

          As for women doing only what I (we, men) allow them to do; if those are the only type of woman out there then I don’t want to know them. A woman who only does what her man allows her to do doesn’t respect herself and isn’t a person, but a puppet. Yes, if the tables were turned I would not be absolutely comfortable with her remaining friends with another guy she had been dating, but it isn’t my place to tell her who she can, and can not, have in her life.

          I certainly know I wouldn’t stand for anything like that demanded of me and I’m sure you wouldn’t either. I honestly doubt you would ever allow a woman to tell you who you can be friends with (male or female), so how can you expect a different response making the same demands towards her?

          • When I say having game, I don’t mean to be deceptive or trying to manipulate women. That’s not what having game is. The game is a lifestyle, a movement. It’s about knowing the rules of life and how to stay a couple steps ahead. Life is a game and it’s being played on people every single day. You can’t avoid the game. You need to know the different angles so you know to maneuver through certain situations. When it comes to dating, you should have standards, integrity and respect. You should also only expect the same thing in return.

            As a man, it’s your job to lead your woman.You have to let women know early on what you will and will not tolerate. When you are taking charge, you are doing so in the best interest of the relationship. Women follow their men subconsciously and consciously. A woman is always going to be a reflection of her man. She is going to take on his ideologies. If her man has good game, she will have good game. If her man is corny, she will be corny. The sooner you realize that, the better it will be for you. You actually do what a good woman, I just think you are going about it the wrong way. I think you are giving women who don’t deserve your game, your game. You have to start treating your game (knowledge) as sacred and only worthy for a select few. Good luck man. I really hope everything works out for you. You seem like a cool dude.

            • Jacs Says:

              Funny – I thought women in this day and age had a mind of their own, and freedom of choice….hahaha I must be living in a fantasy world ….or perhaps your views of women are just so outdated they are considered hilarious. Yes, must be that.

            • Matthew Says:

              Now it seems we’ve shifted into two things; having game and playing the game, whether it be in life or in relationships. Life may very well be a game and therefore I agree that it is basically unavoidable. However, there isn’t one solitary rule book to play by. It’s up to the ‘player’ to decide how their game is to be played. We pick the rules we want to subscribe to. During the entire run of our life we then meet and interact with hundreds of thousands of people. Those we make a connection with, keep in our life (for whatever reason) are probably playing by similar rules that we have chosen. Those that come and go have chosen a different path.

              For me, though I may be a player in the game of life, the goal of my rule book isn’t to win (or stay a couple of steps ahead of anything) it is to live, experience, feel, and interact.

              Standards. Integrity. Respect. Those are all things I subscribe to in life (in general) and in dating. I look for the very same level of standards, integrity, and respect in a women I date. For that to be the truth I don’t want to be with a woman who follows me subconsciously or consciously. I don’t want her to be my reflection. I don’t want her to take on my ideologies. I want her to have her own identity. I want her to respect my ideologies but also challenge them.

              The way you’re painting this picture this hypothetical woman is turning out to sound like a shadow…and I already have one of those.

              It’s quite obvious that you and I have a different perspective when it comes to dating and how we handle our relationships with women. Does this mean one of us is wrong and the other is right? Not at all. You are doing what works for you. I am doing what works for me.

              If we can live our daily lives without regretting the choices we have made, and go to sleep each night feel good about ourselves, then I’d say we’re making the right choices.

      • Jacs Says:

        Nice Guy – I agree with you. This is all a big `game`called dating and it`s terrible. I think that out of most of the men I have `met`you seem to be the most honest with these women than most. Dating people at the same time, first dates etc is not a bad thing, and only when you decide to get serious with one, should you then be honest with the other.

        As far as giving people second chances, well I do give them to people, and perhaps its at a fault, but only I am the one who is going to decide what my heart and mind want to do in that situation. Over the years, I have matured and changed on a variety of different levels. Personalities remain somewhat the same over time, but I would hope that if I was seeing someone when I was young, and the reason it didn`t work was because I wasn`t ready to take be serious, and we met a couple years later and I was ready – that isn`t a bad thing. Why would I not want to date a mature, independent version of someone who I loved, but just wasn`t ready for what I was ready for initially.

        The Universe throws us hard balls and curves and all we can do is bend and adjust as best we can. If I meet you, its not right in that second, but 5 years later we meet again, and its right then….why deny it

        Reema – I feel like you have been hurt in the past, and I hate that…I have also been hurt, but don`t be so judgmental on women, because I am sure you would not want one to paint you with the same brush as all their past conquests.

        As far as the “Women will only do what you allow them to do“ comment….well…perhaps best left for another conversation.

  3. Everyone has been hurt in the past. That’s part of dating. When it comes to dating, I have to be judgmental because I only expect the best from the women I deal with. That mindset found me my current girlfriend for over a year and I met her online. I have a wonderful girl who is not only attractive, but she is young, smart and wants me to upgrade her game. I couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend.

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