Apparently Matthew has his head on straighter than mine regarding this concept. Either that, or he’s not been paying attention ;-). Anyway, please enjoy another great guest blog post by Matthew!
First a re-cap. Beginning in September I began dating a girl, DS. We met on OkCupid. A couple of months before we met, she began dating another boy she met on the site. Thus, when we started dating she was still dating this guy too. That’s what dating is right? Sure. In the beginning, yes, it’s reasonable to dating two, three, four people at a time. But when things begin to get serious decisions need to be made. That’s what happened here. Things began to get serious and she eventually needed to make a choice, him or me. Ultimately, she chose him. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still have feelings/a crush on me. She does (as she admitted to me last night…but we’ll get to that)..What about me? How did I take it when she told me she “felt in her gut that she had to see where things would go with [him]”? It stung. It hurt. It surprised me. I honestly had not seen it going that way because things were going extremely well between us. She knew this. She knew there would be a strong chance of us being happy together. Perhaps she was afraid of this, perhaps not. I’ll never really know for sure..What a lot of it comes down to is timing. Yes. I hate saying it, but timing apparently does matter. In this case, the timing was off. She was/is not ready to be with a man like me. Her choice has nothing to do with me, the type of man I am, or any choices I made while we were dating..However, to move on I had to shut the door on there being a possibility of there ever being anything other than friendship between us. More than that, I needed to make sure she understood that. That would be the only way we would be able to maintain a friendship. That would be the only way I would be able to respect myself..Before I get into everything else, I know there are some of you out there who are calling me ‘not-so-colorful’ words because I’m still talking to this girl and keeping her in my life. Some of you may say I’m trying to hold on to the hope of there being something between us in the future. Some of you think I’m getting played. I hear you. I respect your opinions. I’ve been told these things by many friends..Here’s my point of view. I have moved on from her. Do some things sting occasionally, yes. Would part of me be open to giving things another chance if timing ends up working in our favor? Perhaps, but she would most certainly need to earn it first. I’d feel like I came up ‘second fiddle’ and she would need to prove to me otherwise. This does not mean I’m pining away inside, secretly wanting her relationship to crash and burn..I want her to be happy. That is it..Being her friend. Being in her life, her being in my life makes me happy. Just because one aspect of our relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean that I just toss aside the numerous other aspects of the relationship we began building back in September. Our relationship was more than romantic. We built a friendship. We built a bond that is very rare..I don’t have many friends here in Kansas City. My closest friends are spread around the country. The friends I do have here are at different stages in their lives that myself (both are married and just recently had their first child). I’ve lived here for almost 6 years. In those 6 years I have met someone, and developed this particular type of bond, with two people (that’s including DS). I am not kidding when I say what we have is rare..So, last night we went out. This was the first time we had seen each other in precisely 4 weeks. This was the first time we’ve seen each other since she made her choice. This was the first time we would be going out just as friends..And it was great..Our dynamic had not changed at all when it came to conversation, laughing, picking on the other, and genuinely enjoying the others company. We did acknowledge the ‘elephant’ in the room from time to time. She feels guilty for hurting me. She feels guilty for the situation she had put me in while we were dating. Rightfully so I would poke at that guilt, here and there, with some comments. Nothing too mean, but just enough to make a point. She doesn’t hold it against me. I’m allowed to make my little jabs about how her taste in men is abysmal. How she made the wrong choice. And so on, and so forth..I also made a point last night that I did not want to be the reason she and [him] break up, should that ever happen. Needless to say, he isn’t too thrilled she and I are remaining friends. He has some jealousy. I would too if a girl I was dating was remaining friends with a guy she was just dating, and whom she had slept with. There is probably a good chance he knows she still has a little bit of a crush on me, considering that she told me she talks about me (from time to time) in front of him..What do I gather from that? Her relationship with [him] is probably destined to fail. Have I considered not being her friend as an act of respect for their relationship? Yes. Am I going to abandon our friendship? No. We don’t talk as much. We don’t text as much. We don’t see each other as often as we did..A friend of mine asked me what I get out of being friends with her. I get a lot. As I said earlier, I don’t throw everything away simply because one little thing didn’t work out; not when I’ve grown to care about someone..Is she ‘getting her cake and eating it too’? Yes. She and I both discussed exactly that last night. We both agree that she’s getting a pretty good deal right now. I said to her, “You’ve kind of got the best of both worlds right now. You are dating him and you still have me around in your life. You haven’t lost anything in this deal.” Her response to this, “No. I have lost something.”.This implies, again, any potential future for she and I to be more than just friends. The fact that she feels this way, that she believes this, speaks loudly that her currently relationship is merely a transition period to get her from Point A to Point B in her life. And she knows that she’s sealed her own fate in not getting to be with a man who would not only treat her well, but make her happy..On a lighter note, I’m currently speaking with a girl on OkCupid whom I’m going to take the next step and ask if she would like to meet..
To the future.