I’ll Buy My Own Pancakes May 9, 2022

So The Pilot came to town last week. Kinda odd as we hadn’t been ‘talking’ much. And by talking, I mean texting. And by ‘much’, I mean at all. He doesn’t live in town. Our one phone conversation was more than slightly annoying. What I initially thought was sweet and kind, is just weirdly sappy. He talks like a human Hallmark card. Ewwww. Before we stopped talking, I mentioned how crazy busy the next couple of weeks would be for me. I was more than a little annoyed surprised when he announced on last Sunday night that he would be here the next day. That he would arrive late Monday evening and wanted to meet on Tuesday.

Uhm, I had about ZERO spare time on Tuesday to meet, but being the giver I am 😉 I said I could spare a couple of hours (including drive-time – I know, I’m so romantic). As he has only been to my town once before, I asked where he was staying and I would choose a breakfast place to meet. He said that he didn’t know but would google places on Tuesday morning and let me know. Uhm wait, I just told you that I have ZERO spare time on Tuesday and you’re not going to let me know where to meet until that morning? No sir, that doesn’t work for me.

For some odd reason, he didn’t know where he’d be staying, so I asked him to let me know Monday night when he arrived and found out and I would choose a place because, well, I live here and I work better with a plan. Monday afternoon he sends me a link to a breakfast place. Uhm, okay. Apparently he was able to find out where he was staying ahead of time after all. The link he sent takes me to a location about 30 minutes from me. Boo, but whatever.

I get up early to work on Tuesday and be able to meet him at 9am. I get there and he sends a text that he’s there and sitting at a booth behind the hostess stand. As I was standing right next to the hostess stand and there are no booths in the vicinity, I sent back that I was there, but didn’t see him. He then asks what location I’m at. I tell him I’m at the one that he sent the link for. Ooopsie. He was a different location. A location that was right next to the hotel he was staying at, yet 45 minutes from my house and another 20 minutes from the location that I just drove a half an hour to get to.

You can see where this is going, right? Or, more accurately, not going. In order to get to the other location I would have just enough time to arrive, say hello, then drive the 45 minutes home to my next job. So I didn’t. And while he apologized for the mix up, he also said that he had no way of getting to my location. Uhm, Uber? I found the entire thing annoying as hell. I had just wasted an hour out of my jam packed morning and I wasn’t even getting breakfast out of it.

Here’s the thing: I’m not positive that I would drive 45 minutes across town, during rush hour, to meet anyone for breakfast. Most important meal of the day or not. I found it rude that he chose a place within walking distance of where he was staying, yet 45 minutes away from me. I found it ridiculous that he truly seemed to not understand the concept of paying for a ride to get somewhere.

Want to know something else? He chose Arugula as one of his 3 desert island foods. You know, if you could only have 3 foods for the rest of your life, what would they be? Arugula?! Who the hell picks lettuce as a desert island food?! I don’t think we could have a future anyway …….

Wasted Efforts April 26, 2022

Otherwise known as protecting my energy. So The Pilot texts. A lot. And wants to know “what makes Grey Goose tick”. He sends sweetly encouraging and affirming messages. A lot. And it IS a lot. For me.

I’ve not met this man. He doesn’t live in my town. He has no idea when he’ll be able to get back to my town. He says he has ‘bid’ on flights to come back, but no set date or plan.

We all know my affinity for getting bored with men that I haven’t yet met. We are also well aware of my cynicism at times. Yes, we have a lot in common. We are also in very different places, bother literally and figuratively.

One of the main things I value is honesty. For good or bad, don’t make up stories that aren’t true. Especially if they are easily verified. The Pilot told me that he NEVER logs into Bumble when he is travelling. That is apparently a complete untruth. As Bumble is location based, you can see where people are logging in from. In the last 3 days he has logged in from 3 different states in the midwest. What a silly fib. Why? It’s not even a big deal until you lie about it. AND, just to clarify, he has my number and we now communicate via text and NOT via the app, so there goes that theory

Anyway, I don’t feel the desire to let The Pilot know what makes me tick before we meet and I know that I actually want The Pilot to know what makes me tick. Am I wrong? I am very protective over my personal thoughts, feelings, dreams and insecurities (except on here).

I feel that if I were more excited about actually meeting him, these things wouldn’t bother me. But they do. And I didn’t bother responding to his last text message to me.

Let’s Play A Game April 22, 2022

It’s 6:45pm on Friday night. Guess what I’m doing? Or going to do? Or have done? Or wearing? If you guessed already in pajamas, ready to tuck into a movie with my dogs and no other human company while doing laundry, you win! Yippee!! Who’d have guessed? Oh, that’s right, everyone.

Last Friday night my old neighbors, who I LOVE, unexpectedly brought their young kids by at 7:45 pm to say hi! Yey! Guess what I was wearing that time? Yes! A different pair of pajamas. At 7:45pm. On a Friday night. With witnesses. Yikes.

I am less than thrilled with the current offerings on Bumble and apparently the feeling is mutual. I deleted (almost) all of my stagnant message exchanges. For whatever reason, I have left the one that I messaged with a lot a couple of weeks ago who just stopped messaging. I know he either met someone else or died. What other reason could there be? You know who else I left in the stagnant strand? The Professor, who cancelled on me the day of, due to illness but suggested we ‘reschedule very soon!’. He must have died as well. What other reason could there be?

I’m not sure why I have left those 2 strands there, mockingly. Do I think they are going to magically reappear and ask me out? Maybe. Do I honestly think I wouldn’t pull out my best snarky questions about the large time gap in messages? Most definitely I would. So why then? I don’t know. *shrug*

I did match with someone at the beginning of the week as a total fluke. He was apparently just visiting and logged in while waiting for his flight home. I randomly logged in, after several days of not swiping left or right. We matched, we chatted, we have lots in common as far as mindsets, outlooks and ideals. He sort of a did a 180 with his life like I did a few years ago. He registers high on the empath scale (which, after Mr. OoT who definitely did not) is refreshing. He’s funny and witty and kind and doesn’t live in my state. Oh. And still has a child at home. Double Oh. And was SUPER weird on the phone. In that either there were actually many many squirrels or shiny objects in his vicinity while we were talking or he is ADD off the charts. We’ll see where this goes, if anywhere. We all know I tend to get bored/annoyed with getting to know someone before I know if there is any chemistry and I truly want to get know them. Meh, my online Tarot reader says I should embrace new ideals and changes in how I do things. I’ll give it a shot. Anywhoo, I shall call him The Pilot. He’s not a pilot, mind you, but I feel that sounds better and is easier to type than The Airline Steward and much more polite than Mr. ADD.

Happy Friday!

Love Is In The Air April 14, 2022

Oh, you’re sweet. No, not for me. Yet. But apparently for everyone else. Yey? My best friend in town has found herself a man. One that apparently makes her very very happy. She likes to tell me all the wonderful things that he does for her, buys her and how kind he is to her. Everything she deserves. I am genuinely happy that she is so happy.

Funny thing is, I’ve been on the receiving end of information about him, from her, since their 1st date. She wasn’t too into him. She used to tell me that she liked him because she wouldn’t be upset if he ended things and that he was boring in bed. What? I mean, I understand completely in that he obviously liked her more than she liked him, but boring in bed? Apparently that’s changed. Or has it? I’m not sure. They go on lots of fun trips together. He buys her very nice gifts. He apparently has zero worries about finances and ‘is loaded’ (her words, not mine). I always joke about wanting to find a sugar daddy but know in my heart that I would never be with a man just because he had money (although it would be damn nice). Is that what I think she’s doing? No, no I don’t. I don’t think the fact that he spends lavishly on her hurts though. Meh, not my business. She deserves to be happy and I am happy for her.

I met another friend for happy hour on Monday. She was married for 25 years, her husband cheated on her, and she has been divorced 3 years I believe. She online dates as well (because, really, how else do you meet people?). She has TWO dates set up for this week! Remember when I used to be able to ‘stack’ dates? When I was apparently a hotter property than I am now? When men actually used to ask me out instead of just wanting to exchange messages for a lifetime? I’m not sure how she transitions, prompts, whatevers and makes the message-to-actual-in-person-date happen? Have I lost my touch? Is she better at flirting than I am (granted, most of the universe is)? Does she just ask them out? Does she have a little countdown clock that she makes them aware of and when time expires, if a date isn’t set, she just deletes them? I really have no clue. She’s a catch, mind you, but so am I. She definitely has an agenda and very set and structured expectations from men and relationships which I kind of don’t. I don’t think. In the time I was away at the beach (4 months), she had 2 different relationships. She was the one to end them both. I, in that same time frame, had 2 x 1.5 hour long dates that went nowhere. Huh.

I think know my man is out there. I know that if I’m meant to be with someone it will happen. I do feel that I have been patient long enough. I am embracing being single (sort of). I am fully aware that being single has some definite perks to it. I also know that I miss someone to help me lift heavy things and help with my ever growing honey-do list. *sigh* I will need to apparently get some pointers and take better notes on my friends’ online dating styles. In the end though, I can only be me, so what did I do after drinks with my dating frenzy friend? I came home and deleted all my go nowhere messages and matches that were just festering ageing in my inbox. That’s good, right?

My Hand Is Cramping….. April 11, 2022

Remember a few years ago when I waxed poetic about WAY too many men online dating seemingly just looking for pen pals? Yeah, some things never change. I realize that the message to date ratio is relatively low, but c’mon people! I must have 20 different chats going. And by going, I mean sitting stagnant in my inbox *snicker* as I refuse to keep messaging ad nausea without any attempt or suggestion at meeting.

I have been messaging back and forth with a seemingly great guy who is funny, well traveled, has children of appropriate age and who uses proper punctuation. The only red flag is that he writes things like *blush*, *lol* and other such weirdness. By ‘red flag’, I of course mean, mildly weird and annoying, not an actual red flag. Anywhoo, we have messaged for well over a week with NO mention of meeting up. I have decided that this go around (20th? 22nd?), I will not be the one to suggest meeting. That if a man wants to meet, he needs to suggest it. I’m worth at least that much effort, right? This mindset isn’t going too well for me, btw. Anyway, one of his last messages to me was ‘thank you for that suggestion (we were talking about what to make for dinner), I owe you a drink’ which I jumped for joy at! Yey, he’s finally going to ask to meet! I responded ‘you’re very welcome and I will absolutely accept that offer of a drink’. And ……….. nothing.

While I understand the nerve wracking-ness of asking a potential date out in person, I feel the whole online thing sort of diminishes this. Sure, no one likes being turned down, but you know what else no one likes? Exchanging message forever!

So far my 2022 scorecard, for those playing at home, is 2 dates when I was in my happy place at the beach. 1 for lunch, 1 for drinks and 2 dates since I’ve been back home. 1 for dinner and 1 for coffee. How many 2nd dates? Well, that would be none. Granted, I am the one to have turned down the offer of a 2nd date with dinner guy, but he had many more legitimate red flags than writing *blush* in a message. Which, oddly, he also did ……… huh.

Quick Fire April 1, 2022

So I had another date today. Or, more like an interview. I had been messaging with The Interviewer for a couple of days. He would shoot off questions to me faster than I could respond. He is retired, well traveled and used good grammar. Yipeee! He suggested we meet for a ‘beverage’. I replied, ‘yes, I would love to meet for a drink’ and added a martini emoji. I left it to him to pick the time and place. Well, sadly, he chose a Starbucks in the middle of the day. I playfully responded ‘you obviously mistook my martini glass emoji for that of a coffee cup’ and I’m pretty sure it went right over his head. He responded that if I wasn’t a fan of foo foo coffees, we could go to the McDonald’s right next door. Uhm, WHAT?!

I’m not a fan of coffee dates. I’m even less of a fan of Starbucks. Know what’s even worse than that? Yeah, having a date/interview/meetup at McDonald’s. I may have agreed to a daytime coffee date, but I certainly won’t be doing that at a McDonald’s. Starbucks it is. Yey. Not. Oh well, you can’t win if you don’t play, right? I texted to confirm our coffee meet today and half hoped he would cancel. As luck would have it, he didn’t.

I changed out of the sweats I have been wearing for 2 days (don’t judge me, it’s cold here), took a shower, washed my hair, tried to remember how to apply makeup and put on jeans, a sweater and cute little booties. Then changed my sweater as it didn’t show any cleavage. What?! Daylight interview style coffee date or not, I need to play to my assets, right?

He was nice and interesting and retired and loved to travel. He also happened to mention that he had 2 young children (which, later in the conversation changed to 3). How small you ask? WAY too small for a 50 year old man to have! I draw the line at graduated from high school. His youngest should be doing that sometime right around the year 2040. No thank you.

We had a nice conversation, spoke about our travels, drank our coffees and then parted ways. Not too painful, not too exciting and not too long lasting. On to the next……

Oh, and I still haven’t heard back from The Professor. Guess he’s either REALLY sick or just REALLY uninterested in rescheduling our date. Either way, it’s okay. Sigh……..

The Date…. March 31, 2022

And not the one I was planning on either. My date with The Professor that was supposed to happen on Monday did not. Big surprise. He texted to say that he came home from work early as he wasn’t feeling well but wanted to reschedule very soon. I replied with ‘I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope you feel better and yes, let’s reschedule soon!’. It’s now Thursday and I have yet to hear back. Which, of course, must mean he is in the hospital where they confiscated his phone and have him so drugged up that his pleas to get in touch with me are going unheeded. Right? There could be no other explanation for his silence…..

I have been chatting with many men. Par for the course on online dating, the majority don’t go past the 1st few exchanges. Or, to be perfectly honest, the 1st exchange. And that’s okay. As I want someone who puts forth the effort to get to know me/move things forward, I am unwilling to make all the effort. If someone wants to get to know me, they will engage me in conversation and show interest. I no longer want to be the one ‘driving the bus’.

Anywhoo, one of the gents I was chatting with asked me to dinner after just a few messages. Hey, I like dinner! And I like someone who jumps in and isn’t afraid to meet in person without exchanging messages for weeks on end. We met last night. I will call him Mr. Earnest. He is in a place in his life where he is trying to recreate himself. He’s new to town, trying a new profession, not so distantly out of a long term relationship and genuinely trying to better himself. He’s had quite the past and hasn’t always been dealt the best of cards. He’s doing his best though to play those cards well. The old me would jump on board and take on this new project to help him be the best version of who he can be and encourage him every step of the way. The present me just doesn’t want to. I don’t want the drama or work that goes along with someone trying to find himself. While the food and conversation were great, it was absolutely a friend vibe and I took heed of all the red flags. As we were chatting (he WAY overshared about every single aspect of his past and it was a bit overwhelming), I kept steering conversation into a ‘friendship zone’. He then asked me how I like my eggs cooked in the morning. I blushed like a complete schoolgirl. It threw me off and I was a bit flustered after that. We hugged goodbye and he suggested we get together again. While the old me would have agreed because, again, I like food and love a good project, the current me just isn’t up for it. I sent him a message this morning explaining that I feel that we are in different places in our lives and didn’t think we were a good match. I wished him well and told him he deserves someone wonderful (because, after all, don’t we all? or at least most of us?). He just responded. I haven’t looked yet to see what it says…..

Welcome Back! March 28, 2022

To me, that is. Yes, after a hot second, I am back. And *wait for it* dating again! I took most of the past year off to ‘work on me’. I honestly used to make fun of people who venture into the self help realm. Not because it wasn’t what they needed or wanted, but because it was never my bag. Well guess what? It apparently is. You can never have too many bags, right? I’ve taken the past year to order all the self help books (thank you Amazon) and figure out what part I am playing in my dating nightmares. What is it about me that allows things to go on far too long and forgive far too much?

It’s been good for me. I didn’t date. I read the books. I took time for myself. I traveled to amazing countries on my own. I spent the winter in my happy place at the beach. I am now back home and ready to put all that I learned into action.

I’m back on Bumble. I have a new hair color. I have a new outlook. I have new standards and boundaries (can they be new if they never really existed before?). I am chatting with many many men. I am not pushing. I am not the one to suggest getting together. I am trying to embrace my inner ‘go with the flow’ and ‘what is meant for me will be’. I *hopefully* am done ‘trying to make things works’ and forgiving far too much. I am also learning that what I give will not always be reciprocated in the way I would like or hope, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that the effort is there. I am no longer willing to accept crumbs. While I may not get the entire cake, I do deserve an entire slice. And of a flavor that I love.

I have a date tonight. He seems very nice and intelligent and funny. I am excited to meet him. I’ve had exactly 2 dates so far this year. Both in my happy place and both for a meal *gasp*. While the food and conversation was good, neither went anywhere and that’s okay.

I haven’t spoken to, seen, stalked or asked about Mr. Oot in almost a year. I still think of him more than I like, but that’s definitely a closed chapter for me. He will be my ‘ruler’ in what not to accept in the future. I had that relationship for a reason and do feel that if he hadn’t decimated me as he did, I never would have gotten the point of searching within myself and figuring ME out. We were a bad couple from the start. I could have done better. He definitely could have done better. We were not meant to be, and that’s more than okay.

It’s a new year, I have a new outlook. Again. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Different Strokes for Different Folks May 26, 2021

Yup. I’m unique. In a beat a dead horse until it’s more dead sorta way. In a replay everything in your head and overthink everything ad nauseam before deciding which route to take sorta way. In a choose the exact wrong option every single time sorta way.

I tried the no contact. I tried the blocking. I tried the cut him off completely. I seemed to get worse as time progressed. My mind is one fucked up wasteland of bad decisions and self negativity. I needed to figure this shit out. I’m tired of being sad and whiny and mopey.

You all may not want to read what comes next, but I’m writing it down for me. Feel free to yell obscenities at your phones. I deserve it.

I saw Mr. OoT. Are you still there? Did your phone survive the throw across the room? Did you scare the neighbors yelling at me? Honestly though, you can’t be THAT surprised that I did this, can you?

I wrote down 82 versions of what I wanted to say. Not what he wanted to hear, but what I wanted him to hear (as much as he is capable of listening – which is minimal). I drove to his town and he excitedly agreed to meet. We sat in a park and damn, it was weird. I haven’t seen him in person since October. He looked good, but chemistry was never the issue.

Without going into exactly what I said (as no one needs to hear that nonsense), I pretty much poured my heart out. Left no stone or speck of self respect unturned. I cried. I questioned. I defended. I explained. He sat there stoically as if I were a stranger. Asshole. Why I thought it might be appropriate to seek reassurance from the man who caused the damage is kinda beyond reason, but welcome to my world.

He apologized for being seemingly unaffected by anything I said, but said he didn’t think getting emotional would help the situation. He further explained that he had ‘friend zoned’ me long ago (fuck you and I call bullshit) and that, wait for it…..I was never ‘the one’. Thanks for that unnecessary tidbit you stupid fuck. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of his all time favorite people and that he will always love me. As a friend. That I am his best friend Whatever.

As ridiculously hurtful as it all was to hear, it actually helped me. I got my questions answered, my feelings hurt and my pride all but decimated. Apparently those things are good for me? I ended up getting to see his son and his dad and (super weird) we all went to dinner. I guess I wanted 1 last day with everyone? Who knows. More tears were shed, but oddly enough, I didn’t cry during the 2 hour drive home.

Mr. OoT was bad for me. A narcissist to the core. Everything was a test that I repeatedly failed in his eyes. He wanted me to put in all the work while he did nothing.

One of the things that was hardest for me to wrap my head around was the fact that he is willingly handing out a multitude of ‘passes’ for The Frump. Things that he would NEVER accept from me, she gets away with. Things he would NEVER do for me he does for her. It’s mind boggling. He is 100% deluded if he thinks he will be able to sustain this charade. He is a narcissist to the core and while he may think that having someone whose only value add seems to be her adoration of Mr. OoT (pretty much the only thing they have in common). It is no longer my circus or monkeys.

Ready for the best part?! He actually asked me if 1) I would be willing to teach him how I planned such amazing travels for us so he can do the same for The Frump and 2) If he could hire me as his secretary so I could still help keep his life on track. My reply was 1) fuck you 2) why don’t you ask The Frump to do it 3) fuck you 4) fuck you 5) all those things are part of my ‘perk package’ that you are no longer entitled to and lastly 5) fuck you. What an asshole.

I get it. Seeing him 1 last time might seem insane to some. It actually helped though. He is not what I want. If he truly believes The Frump is his dream woman (I just gagged) I was never what he wanted. I let it all go on too long. I accepted way less than I deserve. I put up with far more than I ever should have. I’m still working on me and trying to figure out why the news of his impending nuptials (2 weeks and counting) sent me into such a tailspin. I feel better for having done this. I am a work in progress.

Good luck to The Frump. While everyone believes she is 100% manipulating Mr. OoT by playing on his insecurities (of which there are MANY) and is pulling all the strings, she has no idea what she is in for. While maybe she is The One to tame his demons and make him truly happy, I fear they are both in for a rude awakening. And honestly, as bitchy as it sounds and as much as it goes against everything I stand for, I couldn’t be happier about it.

Changing Mindsets May 11, 2021

Apparently easier said than done. I am still having some issues with my ego/pride/whatever with the whole Mr. OoT thing. I am trying my best to change all the ‘what ifs’, ‘why not mes’ and replaying our past over and over while overthinking the entire shitshow to more positive and Grey-Centric thoughts. More positivity, more empowering, more trust in the universe. I’m loaded up on crystals and stones, Stuart Smalley affirmations and screenshots of every meme I come across that has anything remotely to do with narcissism, codependency, trauma bonds, empaths.

Who knew I’d kinda suck at this? Oh yeah, most of us. Darn it. I remember a movie with Gwynneth Paltrow (no clue how she spells her name) and Ben Affleck (again, no clue how he spells his name) titled something like Closing Doors or Switching Doors or honestly, I have no clue. I didn’t see the movie but think it was all about how different your life would be if you made just one decision differently. Headed in an opposite direction. Took a right instead of a left. Took a leap of faith. Ran instead of walked. Not sure if this is even what the movie was about but that’s what this post is about.

I am the decider of my future. My decisions effect my future. No one else’s. While I realize that this isn’t 100% true in the literal sense, I need to worry less about what others are thinking and doing and realize that I am in charge of my own happiness. I KNOW that Mr. OoT was bad for me. I just can’t figure out why I can’t get my thoughts/heart in alignment with this. Unless I figure this out, I am destined to repeat this pattern and damn, that’s just no good for anyone! Those of you that were with me thru the years of TD angst will agree whole heartedly. 😉

As desperate times call for desperate measures, I have done what I have always made fun of others for doing. I ordered some self help books. Yes, feel free to unfollow/unfriend me. I have always felt that everyone should be able to figure their own shit out. At least I’ve always felt that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I am having some challenges this time around and have realized that I have a pretty destructive pattern. That’s entirely my doing and no one else’s. I can almost pinpoint it back to when it started but as I am the creator of my reality and I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I need to figure this shit out. I am trying to figure out why I hold on for long and so tightly. Why I feel I need to ‘fix’ others. Why I (almost always) put others’ best interests before my own. Why I give people so many chances.

If you all knew me in college, you would ask who the hell I am these days. I often joke that my ‘luck’ in romance is karma kicking my ass for all the fun I had when I was younger. I WAS in charge of it all. My feelings, my lack of attachment, my ability to detach when needed, my ability to attract just about everyone; friends, boyfriends, allies, enemies. Ha, I never had enemies. Well, unless you count that one crazy girl who threw a drink in my face at a bar once. I probably kissed a guy she liked. Who knows.

Anywhoo, the buck stops here. I AM a good person. I DO deserve love. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I DO deserve to be happy. I promise to be back with less angst and more dating stories. As of right now, the only dating stories I have are that of my BFF. She’s quite the hot ticket in town. 😉 Good for her. Beware though, I’m coming for you …… ❤

Two for Two April 30, 2021

I suppose I owe an update for my slamming 2 date weekend a couple of weeks ago. I know absolutely noone everyone has been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting. Or not, whatever. I actually had 2 back to back Bumble dates! What?!? 1 I was a bit more excited about than the other. 1 got a meticulously chosen outfit, freshly washed hair and makeup that took more than a few minutes to apply. As an aside, I am the only one that forgot how to apply makeup (or wear a bra, for that matter) during last year’s pandemic shut ins? Anywhoo, date #1 got all of this. Date #2 just got a rerun of it all. Seriously, I wore the exact same outfit.

So I met date #1 at a nice bar/restaurant not far from my house. We seemed to have much in common and he just seemed super nice. I don’t know if he took a page out of the Grey’s book of how to be a big turn off, but in person our conversations were stilted, he seemed kinda negative and he asked very few questions about me. I get it, ya know? If the chemistry isn’t there it isn’t there. It definitely wasn’t there. We lasted about an hour. He left it with ‘I want to date around and decide what I want’. I left it with ‘thanks for the drink; it was nice meeting you’. He had unmatched me on Bumble by the time I got home all of 5 minutes later. As we had swapped phone numbers, I sent a quick, ‘I see you unmatched me; it was nice meeting you and I hope you meet someone amazing’ or some other such bullshit. I just really wanted to call him out on doing the lame option instead of manning up and sending the uncomfortable text.

Date #2 seemed nice online. We had some things in common. He was new to town and just seemed like a good guy. And he was. He arrived early for our date/meeting/interview/whatever, chose a nice bar/restaurant, scoped out the perfect corner seats at the bar and was there waiting when I got there. He wasn’t exactly as his photos portrayed, but he had a great smile. We chatted easily about a variety of things. We shared some appetizers and cocktails and had a really good time. He prefaced our ordering with ‘order whatever you’d like, it’s on me’. I thought that was nice. As I would never take advantage of anyone’s kindness or generosity, I didn’t go hog wild. Yey me! He walked me to my car and gave me a big hug. I said ‘thank you for a great time and for the yummy food and cocktails, I’d love to do this again sometime if you’re up for it”. He said it was nice meeting me and he had fun. Uh oh. No agreement to meeting again. Whoopsie. By the time I got home I had already received a text reiterating that he had a really good time. Oh, maybe I was wrong. I replied me too. And there, my friends, our blossoming romance ended. Haven’t heard from him since.

I’ve been chatting with a few other men on the app but no one that I’m super excited about. Especially the one who used the world’s dumbest ‘alias’ and wouldn’t tell me his real name as ‘it’s very unique and he’s pretty well known’. Uhm, what the fuck dude? Men …… boo ……

Overlap April 16, 2021

The world of online dating is a bit inbred. Many people fishing in the same pond. Sometimes it’s fun to compare notes with friends to see who WE have met. Who WE are chatting with. Who WE like. My bff in town is infringing on my cespool of options at the moment. She’s gorgeous. Tall, blonde, smart and successful. She’s much more high maintenance than I in the self-care department and is a much snazzier dresser, but she’s a catch. As am I. I think. We’ve often been asked if we are sisters. I take it as a huge compliment. I assume I’m the Cinderella of the two, just minus the fireplace and soot, but I’ll take it!

We usually aren’t fishing at the same time, so it’s never been much of an issue. Until now. I have a ‘meet and greet’ on today. My 1st in a loooong time. She met the same ‘fish’ on yesterday. Seems kinda weird. After she told me that she was meeting him, I opted not to tell her that I was as well. I mean what are the chances that we both actually like the same guy? Slim at best. I didn’t talk to her after her date so do not know how it went. I did not tell ‘him’ that she and I are friends.

We have very different views on relationships and what we are looking for. Well, to be completely accurate, I’m pretty sure we have the same wants/needs but she works SUPER hard on acting like she doesn’t care. She does. I know she does. She most likely knows she does too, but tries her hardest to act like she doesn’t. While I am quite positive that she is witty and funny and inquisitive and nice on her ‘meet and greets’, I am also quite positive she consciously gives off the impression that she is completely carefree, independent and can ‘take it or leave it’ when she meets someone. I know she gets her hopes up like everyone else does. I know she gets invested like everyone else does. I hope she finds her person, just not out of my pond. 😉

Anywhooooo, I left it up to said ‘fish’ (no one gets a blog name until we actually meet) to select where to meet and he did good! We’re meeting at 4pm today for drinks. No clue what I’m going to wear. As I have all but forgotten how to properly dress myself and apply makeup since the pandemic, fingers crossed everyone!

That’s it for now. Wish me luck!!! 🙂

On The Road Again April 14, 2021

Well, not as if I’m actually taking a road trip or anything. Although I will have to drive to the suggested spot for my 1st ‘meet and greet’ or whatever you call a 1st meeting online in several years. Not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous. Mr. OoT did some damage. I allowed it. I allowed him to make me doubt myself and to believe, as he told me often enough, how hard I am to love. Dumb fucker. Him AND me. Anyway, I’ve been back on Bumble for a couple of months but given it the old half assed effort that I felt like investing. Plus my options in eligible bachelors was less than impressive. As an aside, when did ‘consensual non-monogamist’ become a thing? Doesn’t that just mean that you both cheat? Being as I have a hard time sharing a steak, I doubt I would do well sharing a man.

Anywhoo, it seems that April 1st rolled around (ironic, right?) and everyone hopped back online. What used to be a few very ill matched men that would appear, magically turned into many ill matched men! Yippeee! Let the pen palling begin. *insert eye roll here* I’ve been chatting with several different men. The ones that I was super excited about learning more about after reading their profiles (and, let’s be honest, seeing their pictures) stupidly chose not to respond. The big dummies.

I have been chatting with an appropriately aged man who seems to share a lot of common interests with me and loves to travel almost as much as I do. His photos are all over the place, geographically and visually, so not actually sure what he looks like these days, but he asked to meet. And I happily said yes! This will be my 1st date in almost 3 years. Bonus points as he threw out the option of meeting for coffee (hell no) or a cocktail (hell yes) and then proceeded to choose a very cool place that I love not far from my house. Heaven forbid I have to drive too far for a 1st interview. 😉

I think I remember how to do this. I think I remember being kinda good at this. Smile, ask lots of questions, tone down the sarcasm a tiny bit, make eye contact, imagine if I want to kiss him, plan out our entire future together, blah, blah, blah. Okay, okay, we all know I have hard time toning down the sarcasm and that, when I do, it ends badly. My love language is sarcasm. And laughter. And every time I’ve tried to tone that down, it’s always been misinterpreted when it inevitably reaches the surface again.

No clue what I’ll wear. Or what I’ll say. Or how it will go. I will go with good intentions, and optimistic spirit and ALL my stones and crystals!

I May Need Longer Arms April 13, 2021

We all (yes, all 2 of us) know my affinity for bad decisions all things woo woo. My senile memory will never remember what everything stands for or the metaphysical properties of them, but I love me some stones and crystals. I wear balancing stones. Stones that help with alignment and self awareness and calmness and trusting and whatever else I feel I need help with. I lean towards the ridiculously self aware, self critical and overthinking. I wear Rose Quartz and Tiger’s Eye, Dalmation Jasper, Amethyst, Howlite, Clear Quartz and other healing stones. One that I have recently added and is apparently MUCH needed in response to my ridiculous reaction to the news of Mr. OoT and his impending nuptials (June 12th for those that would like to mark their calendars for this auspicious occasion) is Citrine. I am not a fan of yellow. I am blonde and have always found yellow anything to make me look jaundiced. Apparently Citrine and the color yellow are good for self love and self confidence. Apparently I am lacking in both regards. *insert collective ‘no shit’*

There is no other explanation for spending more than 12.5 seconds pondering ‘why not me’ when it comes to Mr. OoT. I read back on all my old blog posts, I read through all my saved text messages where he picked a million fights with me for no reason, always put himself 1st and said the most awful and hurtful things to me when he was angry with me (which was often). I am 53 fucking years old. How on earth can all my common sense fly out the window when it comes to and came to him? Gah I’m annoying to myself (and all those around me).

Anywhoo, although I know you’re not supposed to pair more than a few stones at a time, I have literally loaded up! I wear 7 different stones on a chain around my neck. I now wear 6 different beaded bracelets. I’ve always loved me some accessories and I am very well weighted down at the moment. I like them and they make me happy, so who cares.

So, back to The Wedding, which Mr. OoT has actually told his favorite sister (who HATES the bride to be and I couldn’t love her more for it) ‘you’re invited, don’t come’. What the ever living fuck? Who invites and dis-invites someone in the same breath? So weird. So the wedding which every single member of his super large family is against takes place June 12th. Know what happens that same week? The OoT family reunion which I was and still am invited to. I kinda hate Mr. OoT, but I truly adore his family (3 sisters, 3 brothers, 1 amazing dad, dozens of nieces and nephews) and they love me. I’m still invited. I still plan on going. I think. I have 2 months to get my head on straight and be able to enjoy everyone while ignoring/not caring about Mr. OoT and his new frumpy as hell bride. The family has rented a huge house on a lake near a national park about 7 hours from me with plenty of room for everyone. The reunion is in celebration of their dad’s 74th (I think) birthday. I’ve written about Mr. OoT’s dad before. He is one of the kindest, most amazing men ever. He sees Mr. OoT for who he is and has told me many times that he hopes that I stay a part of his family. That he couldn’t love me more than one of his own kids or daughter’s in law. Super sweet. We stay in touch and I drove to his town to take him to lunch a few weeks ago when I returned from my winter escape.

Most of his sisters have checked in on me. One of his ex wives has left a sweet comment on a post of mine. His daughter and I enjoy joking about the shit-show in the making. This could be a very healing trip for me or a very self destructive one. My love of his family is something separate than whatever it is or ever was that I felt for Mr. OoT. He rarely shows up to family events anyway and honestly, most of the family has flat out told me that they would happily dis-invite him to any family event if it made me feel uncomfortable. While I would never ask them to do that, the thought does make me smile.

I guess I’ll see how I feel about all of this in about 8 weeks. Oh, and as a reward for the 2 of you that are left still reading this and busily shaking your heads and rolling your eyes at me, here’s a little gift. I’m doing okay. I’ve been making myself go out more and not wallow. Oh, and I’m back on Bumble. And have a date on Friday. You’re welcome 😉

Happy New Year? March 26, 2021

I just published a post that had been sitting in my drafts folder for 6+ months. Does it contain angst about Mr. OoT? Well, of course it does! Duh. You all should know me by now. But wait! Before you throw your computers and smart phones out the window and go hoarse from virtually yelling at me, let me preface by saying this: we DID break up in August of 2020. And it was ugly (did you have any doubt?). Really ugly. And embarrassing. And humiliating. And kinda sad.

I think Mr. OoT was on chance number 1,428 with me. Surprisingly (not), it didn’t go so well. His kids were involved in this time. And there was a solo 9 hour drive home after it happened.

Let’s suffice it to say that 2020 in it’s entirety was complete shit-show. I was a complete shit-show. I was far from my best self. For a multitude of valid reasons. Mr. OoT and I didn’t talk for months. I know that it was for the best.

A little backstory on Mr. OoT: when we met and thru the entirety of our relationship he had a shit job. A mind numbing and horrible for the psyche job. I always felt that the lion’s share of his being happy was placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes not. He lived in a horrible little apartment, smoked weed more days than not and was generally not a very happy person. In all our time together I helped him thru the process of buying a home, of chasing a dream by enrolling in (and subsequently excelling in) courses that would lead him to his dream job. He did it. He graduated top of his class and got recruited directly out of school.

I was his biggest cheerleader. From a distance. I was interested in seeing if having his dream job and not being in his mind numbing and defeatist job would help his overall outlook on life and love and everything in between. I was excited to see.

NO, we did not get back together. I did see him once in October (3 months post breakup) and we had an amazing day and night. Oh, don’t be so surprised, of course I slept with him. And it was fantastic and different from all the other times before. It was like we totally connected. As my normal M.O. would then be to try and see if ‘we’ could work just one last time (HA), I instead decided that taking myself away, FAR away, for months would be a better option.

I distanced myself physically and mentally. I was gone for 4+ months. We chatted and texted a bit during my absence but not much. I was NOT going to be the one to say that I missed him. I was NOT going to be the one to ask if we should try one last time. As one of my main issues with ‘us’ was that I always felt I put in the lion’s share of the effort with us I wanted him to be the one to make the grand gesture.

And he did! Just not with me. I returned from my months away about 3 weeks ago. He was stationed out of state and would be back this week. We spoke a couple of weeks ago and he asked if he could see me. I, of course, said yes! Here would be my chance to see if, since starting his dream job, his psyche was better and more positive. I am not going to lie and say I wasn’t hopeful, but we know how lame I can be when it comes to men. We hadn’t really spoken since then. I called him on Monday as I was wondering what was up and if he was indeed in town and he asked me to hold so he could ‘have some privacy’. Well damn, that’s never a good sign.

He ‘met’ someone. Someone he went to high school with. Someone that he has been chatting with forever. As friends. She is the epitome of everything he had always given me a hard time for: a non drug user, a square, a nerd, blah, blah, blah. She flew out to see him last weekend. And he’s in love. As her religion does not allow for sex outside of marriage, he is ready to marry her. She’s the one, he says. Just hearing her voice lowers his blood pressure.

I have gone thru all the emotions: sad, angry, humiliated. I see an absolutely identical situation as with TD. I think I really felt, in the end, that he would choose me! Here’s the shitty part (because, let’s be honest, I can be super shitty and petulant), I feel that I am the one that should benefit from this new life and outlook of his that I put the time and effort in to help create. That I should be the one that he professes his love and devotion to. I read back on all my posts and am reminded of how amazing he was at the beginning. Kind and affectionate and supportive and wanting to move things forward. I was the one that kept pulling back. I was the one that kept giving him doubts. Maybe I am the cause of his never feeling secure and, in turn, never being able to make me feel secure? Gah, we had such a roller coaster relationship. I will not lie and say that I hadn’t hoped that finally having a career he loves and doing something that keeps his mind engaged, would keep his inner demons at bay. I will now never know.

He wants to remain friends. After our last and final breakup he immediately changed his FB status to single and blocked me (as all 13 year old boys do). He wants to be FB friends again. Uhm, no on all counts. I cannot get out of my head though. I have read back on ALL my blog posts about us and am fully aware of what a shit show we were. I also was reminded that I played a large part in that. That both of our insecurities and pride got in the way. That we ‘tried’ way too many times.

He is a different person now. Not such a stoner. A list maker. Organized. All things that used to drive me insane. This new love of his is recent. It’s very much in the honeymoon stage. I look back at the beginning of our relationship and see the same exact pattern. He wants to be in love and have someone to take care of him. Her religion puts a HIGH value on being married. I see it happening. I just don’t know why I feel like such a failure.

So I need for every single one of you who reads this post, regardless of if you’ve followed the entire shit-show or not, to tell me to snap out of it. There is no other choice. I could chase him and then be stuck in the loop of ‘did I force this’ or I can just let him live his life and wish him every happiness.

Adulting is hard. Online dating is even harder …… Pulling my head out of my ass, however, seems to be the hardest of all.

*edited to add:

1) no clue if I think this way because he is now out of reach & I am super competitive (which I never realized I was)

2) if I really want him back

3) if I believe he has really changed

4) that I feel slighted by the flirting and mixed messages he has been sending me up until 2 weeks ago which caused me to even consider working on “us”

5) WHY can’t I be a normal human being and just let things play out as they should and trust that what is meant to be will be?