Yup. I’m unique. In a beat a dead horse until it’s more dead sorta way. In a replay everything in your head and overthink everything ad nauseam before deciding which route to take sorta way. In a choose the exact wrong option every single time sorta way.
I tried the no contact. I tried the blocking. I tried the cut him off completely. I seemed to get worse as time progressed. My mind is one fucked up wasteland of bad decisions and self negativity. I needed to figure this shit out. I’m tired of being sad and whiny and mopey.
You all may not want to read what comes next, but I’m writing it down for me. Feel free to yell obscenities at your phones. I deserve it.
I saw Mr. OoT. Are you still there? Did your phone survive the throw across the room? Did you scare the neighbors yelling at me? Honestly though, you can’t be THAT surprised that I did this, can you?
I wrote down 82 versions of what I wanted to say. Not what he wanted to hear, but what I wanted him to hear (as much as he is capable of listening – which is minimal). I drove to his town and he excitedly agreed to meet. We sat in a park and damn, it was weird. I haven’t seen him in person since October. He looked good, but chemistry was never the issue.
Without going into exactly what I said (as no one needs to hear that nonsense), I pretty much poured my heart out. Left no stone or speck of self respect unturned. I cried. I questioned. I defended. I explained. He sat there stoically as if I were a stranger. Asshole. Why I thought it might be appropriate to seek reassurance from the man who caused the damage is kinda beyond reason, but welcome to my world.
He apologized for being seemingly unaffected by anything I said, but said he didn’t think getting emotional would help the situation. He further explained that he had ‘friend zoned’ me long ago (fuck you and I call bullshit) and that, wait for it…..I was never ‘the one’. Thanks for that unnecessary tidbit you stupid fuck. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of his all time favorite people and that he will always love me. As a friend. That I am his best friend Whatever.
As ridiculously hurtful as it all was to hear, it actually helped me. I got my questions answered, my feelings hurt and my pride all but decimated. Apparently those things are good for me? I ended up getting to see his son and his dad and (super weird) we all went to dinner. I guess I wanted 1 last day with everyone? Who knows. More tears were shed, but oddly enough, I didn’t cry during the 2 hour drive home.
Mr. OoT was bad for me. A narcissist to the core. Everything was a test that I repeatedly failed in his eyes. He wanted me to put in all the work while he did nothing.
One of the things that was hardest for me to wrap my head around was the fact that he is willingly handing out a multitude of ‘passes’ for The Frump. Things that he would NEVER accept from me, she gets away with. Things he would NEVER do for me he does for her. It’s mind boggling. He is 100% deluded if he thinks he will be able to sustain this charade. He is a narcissist to the core and while he may think that having someone whose only value add seems to be her adoration of Mr. OoT (pretty much the only thing they have in common). It is no longer my circus or monkeys.
Ready for the best part?! He actually asked me if 1) I would be willing to teach him how I planned such amazing travels for us so he can do the same for The Frump and 2) If he could hire me as his secretary so I could still help keep his life on track. My reply was 1) fuck you 2) why don’t you ask The Frump to do it 3) fuck you 4) fuck you 5) all those things are part of my ‘perk package’ that you are no longer entitled to and lastly 5) fuck you. What an asshole.
I get it. Seeing him 1 last time might seem insane to some. It actually helped though. He is not what I want. If he truly believes The Frump is his dream woman (I just gagged) I was never what he wanted. I let it all go on too long. I accepted way less than I deserve. I put up with far more than I ever should have. I’m still working on me and trying to figure out why the news of his impending nuptials (2 weeks and counting) sent me into such a tailspin. I feel better for having done this. I am a work in progress.
Good luck to The Frump. While everyone believes she is 100% manipulating Mr. OoT by playing on his insecurities (of which there are MANY) and is pulling all the strings, she has no idea what she is in for. While maybe she is The One to tame his demons and make him truly happy, I fear they are both in for a rude awakening. And honestly, as bitchy as it sounds and as much as it goes against everything I stand for, I couldn’t be happier about it.