43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Different Strokes for Different Folks May 26, 2021

Filed under: break up,dating,internet dating,Mr. OoT,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:08 am
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Yup. I’m unique. In a beat a dead horse until it’s more dead sorta way. In a replay everything in your head and overthink everything ad nauseam before deciding which route to take sorta way. In a choose the exact wrong option every single time sorta way.

I tried the no contact. I tried the blocking. I tried the cut him off completely. I seemed to get worse as time progressed. My mind is one fucked up wasteland of bad decisions and self negativity. I needed to figure this shit out. I’m tired of being sad and whiny and mopey.

You all may not want to read what comes next, but I’m writing it down for me. Feel free to yell obscenities at your phones. I deserve it.

I saw Mr. OoT. Are you still there? Did your phone survive the throw across the room? Did you scare the neighbors yelling at me? Honestly though, you can’t be THAT surprised that I did this, can you?

I wrote down 82 versions of what I wanted to say. Not what he wanted to hear, but what I wanted him to hear (as much as he is capable of listening – which is minimal). I drove to his town and he excitedly agreed to meet. We sat in a park and damn, it was weird. I haven’t seen him in person since October. He looked good, but chemistry was never the issue.

Without going into exactly what I said (as no one needs to hear that nonsense), I pretty much poured my heart out. Left no stone or speck of self respect unturned. I cried. I questioned. I defended. I explained. He sat there stoically as if I were a stranger. Asshole. Why I thought it might be appropriate to seek reassurance from the man who caused the damage is kinda beyond reason, but welcome to my world.

He apologized for being seemingly unaffected by anything I said, but said he didn’t think getting emotional would help the situation. He further explained that he had ‘friend zoned’ me long ago (fuck you and I call bullshit) and that, wait for it…..I was never ‘the one’. Thanks for that unnecessary tidbit you stupid fuck. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of his all time favorite people and that he will always love me. As a friend. That I am his best friend Whatever.

As ridiculously hurtful as it all was to hear, it actually helped me. I got my questions answered, my feelings hurt and my pride all but decimated. Apparently those things are good for me? I ended up getting to see his son and his dad and (super weird) we all went to dinner. I guess I wanted 1 last day with everyone? Who knows. More tears were shed, but oddly enough, I didn’t cry during the 2 hour drive home.

Mr. OoT was bad for me. A narcissist to the core. Everything was a test that I repeatedly failed in his eyes. He wanted me to put in all the work while he did nothing.

One of the things that was hardest for me to wrap my head around was the fact that he is willingly handing out a multitude of ‘passes’ for The Frump. Things that he would NEVER accept from me, she gets away with. Things he would NEVER do for me he does for her. It’s mind boggling. He is 100% deluded if he thinks he will be able to sustain this charade. He is a narcissist to the core and while he may think that having someone whose only value add seems to be her adoration of Mr. OoT (pretty much the only thing they have in common). It is no longer my circus or monkeys.

Ready for the best part?! He actually asked me if 1) I would be willing to teach him how I planned such amazing travels for us so he can do the same for The Frump and 2) If he could hire me as his secretary so I could still help keep his life on track. My reply was 1) fuck you 2) why don’t you ask The Frump to do it 3) fuck you 4) fuck you 5) all those things are part of my ‘perk package’ that you are no longer entitled to and lastly 5) fuck you. What an asshole.

I get it. Seeing him 1 last time might seem insane to some. It actually helped though. He is not what I want. If he truly believes The Frump is his dream woman (I just gagged) I was never what he wanted. I let it all go on too long. I accepted way less than I deserve. I put up with far more than I ever should have. I’m still working on me and trying to figure out why the news of his impending nuptials (2 weeks and counting) sent me into such a tailspin. I feel better for having done this. I am a work in progress.

Good luck to The Frump. While everyone believes she is 100% manipulating Mr. OoT by playing on his insecurities (of which there are MANY) and is pulling all the strings, she has no idea what she is in for. While maybe she is The One to tame his demons and make him truly happy, I fear they are both in for a rude awakening. And honestly, as bitchy as it sounds and as much as it goes against everything I stand for, I couldn’t be happier about it.

 

Changing Mindsets May 11, 2021

Apparently easier said than done. I am still having some issues with my ego/pride/whatever with the whole Mr. OoT thing. I am trying my best to change all the ‘what ifs’, ‘why not mes’ and replaying our past over and over while overthinking the entire shitshow to more positive and Grey-Centric thoughts. More positivity, more empowering, more trust in the universe. I’m loaded up on crystals and stones, Stuart Smalley affirmations and screenshots of every meme I come across that has anything remotely to do with narcissism, codependency, trauma bonds, empaths.

Who knew I’d kinda suck at this? Oh yeah, most of us. Darn it. I remember a movie with Gwynneth Paltrow (no clue how she spells her name) and Ben Affleck (again, no clue how he spells his name) titled something like Closing Doors or Switching Doors or honestly, I have no clue. I didn’t see the movie but think it was all about how different your life would be if you made just one decision differently. Headed in an opposite direction. Took a right instead of a left. Took a leap of faith. Ran instead of walked. Not sure if this is even what the movie was about but that’s what this post is about.

I am the decider of my future. My decisions effect my future. No one else’s. While I realize that this isn’t 100% true in the literal sense, I need to worry less about what others are thinking and doing and realize that I am in charge of my own happiness. I KNOW that Mr. OoT was bad for me. I just can’t figure out why I can’t get my thoughts/heart in alignment with this. Unless I figure this out, I am destined to repeat this pattern and damn, that’s just no good for anyone! Those of you that were with me thru the years of TD angst will agree whole heartedly. 😉

As desperate times call for desperate measures, I have done what I have always made fun of others for doing. I ordered some self help books. Yes, feel free to unfollow/unfriend me. I have always felt that everyone should be able to figure their own shit out. At least I’ve always felt that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I am having some challenges this time around and have realized that I have a pretty destructive pattern. That’s entirely my doing and no one else’s. I can almost pinpoint it back to when it started but as I am the creator of my reality and I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I need to figure this shit out. I am trying to figure out why I hold on for long and so tightly. Why I feel I need to ‘fix’ others. Why I (almost always) put others’ best interests before my own. Why I give people so many chances.

If you all knew me in college, you would ask who the hell I am these days. I often joke that my ‘luck’ in romance is karma kicking my ass for all the fun I had when I was younger. I WAS in charge of it all. My feelings, my lack of attachment, my ability to detach when needed, my ability to attract just about everyone; friends, boyfriends, allies, enemies. Ha, I never had enemies. Well, unless you count that one crazy girl who threw a drink in my face at a bar once. I probably kissed a guy she liked. Who knows.

Anywhoo, the buck stops here. I AM a good person. I DO deserve love. I DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I DO deserve to be happy. I promise to be back with less angst and more dating stories. As of right now, the only dating stories I have are that of my BFF. She’s quite the hot ticket in town. 😉 Good for her. Beware though, I’m coming for you …… ❤

 

Two for Two April 30, 2021

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:22 am
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I suppose I owe an update for my slamming 2 date weekend a couple of weeks ago. I know absolutely noone everyone has been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting. Or not, whatever. I actually had 2 back to back Bumble dates! What?!? 1 I was a bit more excited about than the other. 1 got a meticulously chosen outfit, freshly washed hair and makeup that took more than a few minutes to apply. As an aside, I am the only one that forgot how to apply makeup (or wear a bra, for that matter) during last year’s pandemic shut ins? Anywhoo, date #1 got all of this. Date #2 just got a rerun of it all. Seriously, I wore the exact same outfit.

So I met date #1 at a nice bar/restaurant not far from my house. We seemed to have much in common and he just seemed super nice. I don’t know if he took a page out of the Grey’s book of how to be a big turn off, but in person our conversations were stilted, he seemed kinda negative and he asked very few questions about me. I get it, ya know? If the chemistry isn’t there it isn’t there. It definitely wasn’t there. We lasted about an hour. He left it with ‘I want to date around and decide what I want’. I left it with ‘thanks for the drink; it was nice meeting you’. He had unmatched me on Bumble by the time I got home all of 5 minutes later. As we had swapped phone numbers, I sent a quick, ‘I see you unmatched me; it was nice meeting you and I hope you meet someone amazing’ or some other such bullshit. I just really wanted to call him out on doing the lame option instead of manning up and sending the uncomfortable text.

Date #2 seemed nice online. We had some things in common. He was new to town and just seemed like a good guy. And he was. He arrived early for our date/meeting/interview/whatever, chose a nice bar/restaurant, scoped out the perfect corner seats at the bar and was there waiting when I got there. He wasn’t exactly as his photos portrayed, but he had a great smile. We chatted easily about a variety of things. We shared some appetizers and cocktails and had a really good time. He prefaced our ordering with ‘order whatever you’d like, it’s on me’. I thought that was nice. As I would never take advantage of anyone’s kindness or generosity, I didn’t go hog wild. Yey me! He walked me to my car and gave me a big hug. I said ‘thank you for a great time and for the yummy food and cocktails, I’d love to do this again sometime if you’re up for it”. He said it was nice meeting me and he had fun. Uh oh. No agreement to meeting again. Whoopsie. By the time I got home I had already received a text reiterating that he had a really good time. Oh, maybe I was wrong. I replied me too. And there, my friends, our blossoming romance ended. Haven’t heard from him since.

I’ve been chatting with a few other men on the app but no one that I’m super excited about. Especially the one who used the world’s dumbest ‘alias’ and wouldn’t tell me his real name as ‘it’s very unique and he’s pretty well known’. Uhm, what the fuck dude? Men …… boo ……

 

Overlap April 16, 2021

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:25 am
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The world of online dating is a bit inbred. Many people fishing in the same pond. Sometimes it’s fun to compare notes with friends to see who WE have met. Who WE are chatting with. Who WE like. My bff in town is infringing on my cespool of options at the moment. She’s gorgeous. Tall, blonde, smart and successful. She’s much more high maintenance than I in the self-care department and is a much snazzier dresser, but she’s a catch. As am I. I think. We’ve often been asked if we are sisters. I take it as a huge compliment. I assume I’m the Cinderella of the two, just minus the fireplace and soot, but I’ll take it!

We usually aren’t fishing at the same time, so it’s never been much of an issue. Until now. I have a ‘meet and greet’ on today. My 1st in a loooong time. She met the same ‘fish’ on yesterday. Seems kinda weird. After she told me that she was meeting him, I opted not to tell her that I was as well. I mean what are the chances that we both actually like the same guy? Slim at best. I didn’t talk to her after her date so do not know how it went. I did not tell ‘him’ that she and I are friends.

We have very different views on relationships and what we are looking for. Well, to be completely accurate, I’m pretty sure we have the same wants/needs but she works SUPER hard on acting like she doesn’t care. She does. I know she does. She most likely knows she does too, but tries her hardest to act like she doesn’t. While I am quite positive that she is witty and funny and inquisitive and nice on her ‘meet and greets’, I am also quite positive she consciously gives off the impression that she is completely carefree, independent and can ‘take it or leave it’ when she meets someone. I know she gets her hopes up like everyone else does. I know she gets invested like everyone else does. I hope she finds her person, just not out of my pond. 😉

Anywhooooo, I left it up to said ‘fish’ (no one gets a blog name until we actually meet) to select where to meet and he did good! We’re meeting at 4pm today for drinks. No clue what I’m going to wear. As I have all but forgotten how to properly dress myself and apply makeup since the pandemic, fingers crossed everyone!

That’s it for now. Wish me luck!!! 🙂

 

On The Road Again April 14, 2021

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:44 am
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Well, not as if I’m actually taking a road trip or anything. Although I will have to drive to the suggested spot for my 1st ‘meet and greet’ or whatever you call a 1st meeting online in several years. Not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous. Mr. OoT did some damage. I allowed it. I allowed him to make me doubt myself and to believe, as he told me often enough, how hard I am to love. Dumb fucker. Him AND me. Anyway, I’ve been back on Bumble for a couple of months but given it the old half assed effort that I felt like investing. Plus my options in eligible bachelors was less than impressive. As an aside, when did ‘consensual non-monogamist’ become a thing? Doesn’t that just mean that you both cheat? Being as I have a hard time sharing a steak, I doubt I would do well sharing a man.

Anywhoo, it seems that April 1st rolled around (ironic, right?) and everyone hopped back online. What used to be a few very ill matched men that would appear, magically turned into many ill matched men! Yippeee! Let the pen palling begin. *insert eye roll here* I’ve been chatting with several different men. The ones that I was super excited about learning more about after reading their profiles (and, let’s be honest, seeing their pictures) stupidly chose not to respond. The big dummies.

I have been chatting with an appropriately aged man who seems to share a lot of common interests with me and loves to travel almost as much as I do. His photos are all over the place, geographically and visually, so not actually sure what he looks like these days, but he asked to meet. And I happily said yes! This will be my 1st date in almost 3 years. Bonus points as he threw out the option of meeting for coffee (hell no) or a cocktail (hell yes) and then proceeded to choose a very cool place that I love not far from my house. Heaven forbid I have to drive too far for a 1st interview. 😉

I think I remember how to do this. I think I remember being kinda good at this. Smile, ask lots of questions, tone down the sarcasm a tiny bit, make eye contact, imagine if I want to kiss him, plan out our entire future together, blah, blah, blah. Okay, okay, we all know I have hard time toning down the sarcasm and that, when I do, it ends badly. My love language is sarcasm. And laughter. And every time I’ve tried to tone that down, it’s always been misinterpreted when it inevitably reaches the surface again.

No clue what I’ll wear. Or what I’ll say. Or how it will go. I will go with good intentions, and optimistic spirit and ALL my stones and crystals!

 

I May Need Longer Arms April 13, 2021

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:14 am
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We all (yes, all 2 of us) know my affinity for bad decisions all things woo woo. My senile memory will never remember what everything stands for or the metaphysical properties of them, but I love me some stones and crystals. I wear balancing stones. Stones that help with alignment and self awareness and calmness and trusting and whatever else I feel I need help with. I lean towards the ridiculously self aware, self critical and overthinking. I wear Rose Quartz and Tiger’s Eye, Dalmation Jasper, Amethyst, Howlite, Clear Quartz and other healing stones. One that I have recently added and is apparently MUCH needed in response to my ridiculous reaction to the news of Mr. OoT and his impending nuptials (June 12th for those that would like to mark their calendars for this auspicious occasion) is Citrine. I am not a fan of yellow. I am blonde and have always found yellow anything to make me look jaundiced. Apparently Citrine and the color yellow are good for self love and self confidence. Apparently I am lacking in both regards. *insert collective ‘no shit’*

There is no other explanation for spending more than 12.5 seconds pondering ‘why not me’ when it comes to Mr. OoT. I read back on all my old blog posts, I read through all my saved text messages where he picked a million fights with me for no reason, always put himself 1st and said the most awful and hurtful things to me when he was angry with me (which was often). I am 53 fucking years old. How on earth can all my common sense fly out the window when it comes to and came to him? Gah I’m annoying to myself (and all those around me).

Anywhoo, although I know you’re not supposed to pair more than a few stones at a time, I have literally loaded up! I wear 7 different stones on a chain around my neck. I now wear 6 different beaded bracelets. I’ve always loved me some accessories and I am very well weighted down at the moment. I like them and they make me happy, so who cares.

So, back to The Wedding, which Mr. OoT has actually told his favorite sister (who HATES the bride to be and I couldn’t love her more for it) ‘you’re invited, don’t come’. What the ever living fuck? Who invites and dis-invites someone in the same breath? So weird. So the wedding which every single member of his super large family is against takes place June 12th. Know what happens that same week? The OoT family reunion which I was and still am invited to. I kinda hate Mr. OoT, but I truly adore his family (3 sisters, 3 brothers, 1 amazing dad, dozens of nieces and nephews) and they love me. I’m still invited. I still plan on going. I think. I have 2 months to get my head on straight and be able to enjoy everyone while ignoring/not caring about Mr. OoT and his new frumpy as hell bride. The family has rented a huge house on a lake near a national park about 7 hours from me with plenty of room for everyone. The reunion is in celebration of their dad’s 74th (I think) birthday. I’ve written about Mr. OoT’s dad before. He is one of the kindest, most amazing men ever. He sees Mr. OoT for who he is and has told me many times that he hopes that I stay a part of his family. That he couldn’t love me more than one of his own kids or daughter’s in law. Super sweet. We stay in touch and I drove to his town to take him to lunch a few weeks ago when I returned from my winter escape.

Most of his sisters have checked in on me. One of his ex wives has left a sweet comment on a post of mine. His daughter and I enjoy joking about the shit-show in the making. This could be a very healing trip for me or a very self destructive one. My love of his family is something separate than whatever it is or ever was that I felt for Mr. OoT. He rarely shows up to family events anyway and honestly, most of the family has flat out told me that they would happily dis-invite him to any family event if it made me feel uncomfortable. While I would never ask them to do that, the thought does make me smile.

I guess I’ll see how I feel about all of this in about 8 weeks. Oh, and as a reward for the 2 of you that are left still reading this and busily shaking your heads and rolling your eyes at me, here’s a little gift. I’m doing okay. I’ve been making myself go out more and not wallow. Oh, and I’m back on Bumble. And have a date on Friday. You’re welcome 😉

 

Happy New Year? March 26, 2021

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:01 am
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I just published a post that had been sitting in my drafts folder for 6+ months. Does it contain angst about Mr. OoT? Well, of course it does! Duh. You all should know me by now. But wait! Before you throw your computers and smart phones out the window and go hoarse from virtually yelling at me, let me preface by saying this: we DID break up in August of 2020. And it was ugly (did you have any doubt?). Really ugly. And embarrassing. And humiliating. And kinda sad.

I think Mr. OoT was on chance number 1,428 with me. Surprisingly (not), it didn’t go so well. His kids were involved in this time. And there was a solo 9 hour drive home after it happened.

Let’s suffice it to say that 2020 in it’s entirety was complete shit-show. I was a complete shit-show. I was far from my best self. For a multitude of valid reasons. Mr. OoT and I didn’t talk for months. I know that it was for the best.

A little backstory on Mr. OoT: when we met and thru the entirety of our relationship he had a shit job. A mind numbing and horrible for the psyche job. I always felt that the lion’s share of his being happy was placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes not. He lived in a horrible little apartment, smoked weed more days than not and was generally not a very happy person. In all our time together I helped him thru the process of buying a home, of chasing a dream by enrolling in (and subsequently excelling in) courses that would lead him to his dream job. He did it. He graduated top of his class and got recruited directly out of school.

I was his biggest cheerleader. From a distance. I was interested in seeing if having his dream job and not being in his mind numbing and defeatist job would help his overall outlook on life and love and everything in between. I was excited to see.

NO, we did not get back together. I did see him once in October (3 months post breakup) and we had an amazing day and night. Oh, don’t be so surprised, of course I slept with him. And it was fantastic and different from all the other times before. It was like we totally connected. As my normal M.O. would then be to try and see if ‘we’ could work just one last time (HA), I instead decided that taking myself away, FAR away, for months would be a better option.

I distanced myself physically and mentally. I was gone for 4+ months. We chatted and texted a bit during my absence but not much. I was NOT going to be the one to say that I missed him. I was NOT going to be the one to ask if we should try one last time. As one of my main issues with ‘us’ was that I always felt I put in the lion’s share of the effort with us I wanted him to be the one to make the grand gesture.

And he did! Just not with me. I returned from my months away about 3 weeks ago. He was stationed out of state and would be back this week. We spoke a couple of weeks ago and he asked if he could see me. I, of course, said yes! Here would be my chance to see if, since starting his dream job, his psyche was better and more positive. I am not going to lie and say I wasn’t hopeful, but we know how lame I can be when it comes to men. We hadn’t really spoken since then. I called him on Monday as I was wondering what was up and if he was indeed in town and he asked me to hold so he could ‘have some privacy’. Well damn, that’s never a good sign.

He ‘met’ someone. Someone he went to high school with. Someone that he has been chatting with forever. As friends. She is the epitome of everything he had always given me a hard time for: a non drug user, a square, a nerd, blah, blah, blah. She flew out to see him last weekend. And he’s in love. As her religion does not allow for sex outside of marriage, he is ready to marry her. She’s the one, he says. Just hearing her voice lowers his blood pressure.

I have gone thru all the emotions: sad, angry, humiliated. I see an absolutely identical situation as with TD. I think I really felt, in the end, that he would choose me! Here’s the shitty part (because, let’s be honest, I can be super shitty and petulant), I feel that I am the one that should benefit from this new life and outlook of his that I put the time and effort in to help create. That I should be the one that he professes his love and devotion to. I read back on all my posts and am reminded of how amazing he was at the beginning. Kind and affectionate and supportive and wanting to move things forward. I was the one that kept pulling back. I was the one that kept giving him doubts. Maybe I am the cause of his never feeling secure and, in turn, never being able to make me feel secure? Gah, we had such a roller coaster relationship. I will not lie and say that I hadn’t hoped that finally having a career he loves and doing something that keeps his mind engaged, would keep his inner demons at bay. I will now never know.

He wants to remain friends. After our last and final breakup he immediately changed his FB status to single and blocked me (as all 13 year old boys do). He wants to be FB friends again. Uhm, no on all counts. I cannot get out of my head though. I have read back on ALL my blog posts about us and am fully aware of what a shit show we were. I also was reminded that I played a large part in that. That both of our insecurities and pride got in the way. That we ‘tried’ way too many times.

He is a different person now. Not such a stoner. A list maker. Organized. All things that used to drive me insane. This new love of his is recent. It’s very much in the honeymoon stage. I look back at the beginning of our relationship and see the same exact pattern. He wants to be in love and have someone to take care of him. Her religion puts a HIGH value on being married. I see it happening. I just don’t know why I feel like such a failure.

So I need for every single one of you who reads this post, regardless of if you’ve followed the entire shit-show or not, to tell me to snap out of it. There is no other choice. I could chase him and then be stuck in the loop of ‘did I force this’ or I can just let him live his life and wish him every happiness.

Adulting is hard. Online dating is even harder …… Pulling my head out of my ass, however, seems to be the hardest of all.

*edited to add:

1) no clue if I think this way because he is now out of reach & I am super competitive (which I never realized I was)

2) if I really want him back

3) if I believe he has really changed

4) that I feel slighted by the flirting and mixed messages he has been sending me up until 2 weeks ago which caused me to even consider working on “us”

5) WHY can’t I be a normal human being and just let things play out as they should and trust that what is meant to be will be?

 

The Kiss Of Death September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:26 pm
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It seemed that travel plans would always mark a breakup for Mr. OoT and I. I love to travel and let’s face it, it’s just more fun (and affordable) with 2.

I planned a trip overseas for his 48th birthday. The day after his birthday he thanked me for ruining his birthday and congratulated me on making it the worst birthday ever for him. Uhm, okay. We broke up that day.

We planned the next overseas trip for the following February. We broke up (again) in January.

I planned (and paid for) an overseas trip for his 50th birthday in December. We broke up in August.

More than half of our breakups happened while at my south of the border happy place. One of these days I may put the effort into deciding if that was strategic on his part.

Come to think of it, we actually don’t travel well together. He would inevitably throw a hissy fit about heaven knows what and it was always a main priority to do and see whatever he wanted 1st.

The February trip (where we had separate rooms) and he was trying to win me back was the only great trip we’ve had. He had promised me, at the end of the trip, that if I could find a specific trip within his budget for Italy, he would pay for me to go. What? A free trip to Italy?!? Of course I was going to take him up on that! I also made a promise to myself that we would NOT get back together and that I was just in it for the future promised free travel.

Damn….

 

Much Overdue April 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
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** this post is from April and kind of a missing link **

Understatement of the year. I wanted to update all two of you everyone on Grey Goose’s state of affairs. First and foremost, thank you to all that kept good thoughts for my doggie. After being in the ICU for over a week and almost losing him 2 more times, he was discharged to me. I thought it was hard having him in ICU! I had no idea how hard having to force feed, give meds to around the clock and generally keep him alive would be. I did it. He did it. After several more weeks in a shitty hotel and innumerable blood tests and follow up visits, I was given the okay to embark on the 18 hour drive back home. He is still in treatment and there is every possibility that he could relapse, but for now, finally, he is doing well.

Okay, crisis #1 averted. I still had crisis #2 to deal with. Remember that trip I said I had planned with Mr. OoT? The one that he said he would only NOT go on if I paid him for his ticket? The one that we had planned for almost a year? The one that was pretty tops on my bucket list? Yes, that one. What to do, what to do? My dog was still very sick, I hadn’t spoken to Mr. OoT since the ‘I never wanted to be with you’ phone call. Did I want to travel and leave my dog behind? Did I want to see Mr. OoT? The answer to both of these questions was a resounding NO. It wasn’t until the night before we were supposed to leave and an emergency dinner with friends (they ate, I cried) that I decided to go. My dog was in VERY good hands with my most trusted friend (actually an old boyfriend who we always joked loved my dogs more than he did me – truth), I didn’t have trip insurance and just having spent well over 8 grand saving my doggie (thank you CARE card), I knew if I didn’t go on this trip now, I never would.

So I went. And Mr. OoT was amazing. Helpful and kind and patient and wonderful. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the version of himself that I only got to see 10% of the time, at most. We had separate rooms and there was no ” funny business”, but the trip and he were great.

I promised myself we wouldn’t get back together……..

 

A Trip of a Lifetime January 20, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:22 am
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With a recently ex boyfriend. Lovely. It’s been 3 weeks since the shit hit the fan and we finally called it quits. It’s been 2 weeks since our ridiculously excruciating week together at my beach haven ended and I dropped him at the airport. I haven’t spoken to him once. He’s messaged me a few times and I have not responded. He ‘likes’ all my FB and Instagram posts (like any good 13 year old would).

I’m trying to prepare myself for our upcoming trip. Both physically, mentally and logistically. It’s going to be weird. I SO wish he would do the right thing and not go, but we all know there is about .00001% chance of that happening. I called the tour company and asked for separate rooms. As the final payment has already been made, no changes are allowed without a hefty penalty. Like a BIG one! One I cannot afford.

What I can afford is to look up the hotels directly online and book an additional room and hope that it doesn’t get cancelled as a duplicate reservation. What I can do is to research tours and sights that I want to do and see and book them for myself. I am hopeful/certain that he will be ‘Charming Mr. OoT” and not “Antichrist Mr. OoT” on this trip *fingers crossed everyone*.

 

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

 

Just Like Ordering A Pizza July 16, 2019

I’ve used this analogy to describe the Male (and yes, female too) mindset of online dating. It also describes the mindset of daters in general.  Thinking you can pick and choose the traits (toppings) you want for your mate (such a lame term). Mr. OoT is no exception.  Sure, everyone has some idea of what they want, but to have a specific list is, IMHO, insane.

As we all realize that Mr. OoT may be a bit insane himself, he is super specific in what he likes. Oddly so.  Not in important qualities like education, ability to hold a conversation, good heartedness or anything else that I would put at the TOP of my list.  These qualities would go at the bottom of his.  While he knows that a ‘dumb’ girl wouldn’t be able to hold his attention due to his love of a good debate, I’m pretty sure this other list trumps that.  His list is of a different kind. Like down to footwear. He likes blondes. Blondes with bobbed hair cuts to be weirdly specific (and outdated). Blondes with bobbed hair cuts that wear sundresses. And Birkenstocks. And smoke weed (not the kind you find in my yard). For the record, and just to state the obvious, I am NONE of the above aside from being blonde.

The Spinner is all of the above. I know this from my super sleuthing. Down to the sundress. Specifically a really ugly one that she sent a photo of to Mr. OoT when he said he loved them. It was hanging on a clothesline in her backyard. Of course it was. *insert eye roll here*

I’m more edgy than hippie in my dress.  I prefer footwear that doesn’t look like I’ve been wearing them since the mid ’70s.  I hate sundresses.  You can’t wear a bra with them and they have super weird squared off necklines.  And they remind me of something a little girl would wear (sorry to all you sundress lovers out there, they’re just not for me).  My life’s ambition (besides catching a tapeworm) is to grow my hair long.  And dye it super dark brown.  Just like Mr. OoT hates.  Which I will be doing next weekend.

 

Grandma vs The Spinner July 13, 2019

Soooooo, the two of you that have been reading my angsty bullshit for a while will know that I often use this blog to work through my feelings and try to figure things out. It’s cheaper than therapy and, more often than not, more effective.

I think I’ll call the money grubbing dipshit 4th of July date Krystal.  Why, you ask?  Well, because that’s her name.  While I am fully aware that none of what has happened is directly her fault and solely Mr. OoT’s, she’s a player in my drama nonetheless.

Krystal is a 35 year old mother of a young child who lives in a shitty town.  Even shittier than the town that Mr. OoT lives in.  From what I’ve read in her messages with Mr. OoT and via her Instagram page (seriously? you’re going to act surprised that I looked her up?), she’s not the brightest bulb on the strand.  She sounds like a bit of an idiot and has a job that anyone with 6 months to kill for training could have.  She doesn’t have 2 nickels to rub together and likes to end most her sentences with ‘lol’.

From what I gathered, although Mr. OoT isn’t wealthy by any means, to her, he would be.  And she would take him for every last cent he has. Over the course of the messages I snooped on she must have mentioned money (or lack thereof) at least 10 times.  Being as Mr. OoT thinks he needs buy people’s affections, he has sent her several gifts.  Including a pizza one night (when he was in another state) when she said she was hungry and didn’t have money for dinner. He’s too stupid (and male) to see the huge red flags. I’m torn between thinking that is the nicest thing ever or the weirdest.

None of this is the point of this post.  The point is this: why the hell would I be jealous of a 35 year old, penniless dipshit whose every profile photo on FB (what? that surprises you too?) is taken with a Snapchat filter? While I am by far heavier, older and certainly not a ‘spinner’ like she is I am also by far and away smarter, more successful, more self sufficient. more age appropriate with no kids and no need to use anyone for their money.  I’m well traveled, well educated and have my shit (mostly) together. Well, aside from dating that is……

I’ve always envied those women that could date someone that they were super into and NOT turn into a jealous wreck knowing they weren’t the only one in the mix.  The women that were confident that they would win out in the end.  Confident that they were the better choice.  Confident that however things turned out would be the right way for them to turn out. The women that could go out with girlfriends and have a blast knowing that the guy they were interested in was on a date with another woman.

While I was absolutely more confident in my younger days, I was never confident enough to believe that the men in my life would choose me in the end.  Is it that I wasn’t confident in myself or confident in them? Not sure. And, to clarify, I am not hoping to ‘win’ Mr. OoT in the end.  We’re done.  I would like to figure out why I can’t be more of a ‘If he’s the right one for me, I’ll know it”, if he’s the right one for me, regardless of how many other women he’s dating (I’m talking about in the initial stages, btw) I’ll just go with the flow and see how things turn out.

 

 

Death, Anger Management and Family BBQs July 9, 2019

So is it weird that I asked Mr OoT if I could meet his sister from out of town that i hadn’t yet met and go to a family BBQ that his parents were having? No? Well maybe I need to fill in some blanks and then you can decide.

I haven’t written much (or at all) about Mr. OoT and I since just about the beginning of the year. Why you ask? Well that was because I was sparing you all (and myself) the annoyance of rolling your eyes and yelling at the computer.

Mr. OoT and I have issues. Big ones. He has some anger management issues. I have some ‘fixer’ issues. He has some deflection and projection issues. I have some defensive issues. We weren’t the best match to begin with (understatement of the century). Throw in that we are long distance and that makes everything a million times harder.

We’ve been in so many arguments that I’ve lost track. He tells me I fight weird. This is because I don’t engage. I allow him to go off on me and spew some of the most hateful and hurtful things at me and all I do is warn him to make sure he really means the things he’s saying as he can’t take them back once said. This usually just infuriates him more. I’m not quite sure when I became someone that would allow ANYONE to speak to me that way, but here I am. Or was.

This last time was especially cruel. He usually has a somewhat set litany of things that he venomously spews at me, but the past couple of times he’s thrown in new things to the effect of ‘the long line of women waiting to date him’. Uhm, wait, what? I know that Mr. OoT’s version of telling the truth is most rational people’s version of a lie. I know his “tells”. I know he wouldn’t have said this unless he was actually talking to other women. And he has been. How do I know? I went through his phone. And that, my friends is when I realized I was becoming a crazy person. I DO NOT go thru people’s phones. There is never anything good that can come of that. It’s a huge violation of trust and a horrible thing to do. I had to know though. And guess what? He has been overtly flirting with a couple of women. I see that as cheating and crossing the line, he does not. He feels he should get a gold star for not actually sleeping with them when he could have. Uhm no, gold stars are not given for doing the right thing and being a decent human being. Do I think he’d be flirting with other women if we were in a good place? No I don’t. As we aren’t/weren’t does that make it any less shitty? Nope.

One other thing he spewed at me was ‘no wonder you’re alone’. Sort of an odd thing for a supposed boyfriend to say, right? I realized though that he was right. I am alone. I have been for the past year. He’s not here when I need him to be. Physically or emotionally. We fight way too much. He has slowly and systematically crushed my spirit and sense of self worth. When did I become the woman that would allow that?!

I saw him over the weekend. He went off on me again. This time it was different. I fought back. Not in the insane way that he fights, but simply asked, when he finally took a breath, “are you happy now? do you feel better now that you’ve said these horrible things to me? you are truly an asshole and I deserve better” and walked out. I’ve said things to this affect before to no avail. I always counter balance his evil side in my head with his generous spirit and kind, yet hugely damaged, heart and end up giving him a pass. He never truly apologizes. This time was different.

He came to find me and when he did, he was crying. Like hysterically crying. He apologized a million ways, said that I don’t deserve any of this, that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he realizes his anger is getting progressively worse, that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met (I am), that I DO deserve better (I do), that he is going to seek some help and work on himself. He then asked if I think that some people are broken beyond repair. To which I replied ‘yes’.

Do I think he’s broken beyond repair? No, not really. I believe that truly broken people will never actually admit to being broken. Do I hope he gets some help? Yes, I certainly do. For his sake. Will I wait around for him like he asked me to? No, I absolutely will not.

Did I ask to go to his family BBQ on Sunday? Yes, yes I did. I wanted a chance to see his family one last time and get a bit of closure. None of them knew we had broken up (oh, aside from the fact that he brought a different girl with him on the 4th of July! Fucker, but that’s a story for another time). It gave me a chance to see everyone one last time. His dad loves me. His dad implored me to come visit any time, with or without Mr. OoT. That speaks volumes. His sisters were great and must have sensed what was going on.  They both said it was great seeing me and to not let Mr. OoT get away with too much.  They do know him best…..

He wants to remain friends. I said no. He wants me to wait for him. I said no. He wants me to know he will always be here for me. Whatever. Did I tell him to go to hell and never contact me again? No. Not sure why. I will stand my ground this time though.

Oh, and I told him I hated the candle he sent me. In some small way, being the petty bitch he’s always accused me of being made me feel better…..

 

Same Shitshow, Different Day, But Wait…. March 17, 2019

….there’s more!  Mr. OoT and I have been the same mismatched and ill fitted couple we’ve always been.  About a month ago I decided I would just start ‘mirroring’ his communication style and frequency as things were obiously changing since his terrific visit.  If he didn’t text me, I didn’t text him.  If he didn’t call, I didn’t call.  If he didn’t use any terms of endearment, I didn’t either.  Just like we were any run of the mill immature teenage couple.  Good times.  Neither of us enjoyed how that went.  Things haven’t been great lately but just because I don’t want you all to get bored with reading the same ridiculous stories of our angsty relationship, I thought I’d add a twist.

 

What sort of a twist you ask?  Well that would be travel, of course!  Yes, you read that right!  Mr. OoT and I are traveling tomorrow!  Not just any old travel either.  We’re traveling internationally! WooHoo!  It’s a bucket list trip for me and a birthday trip for him.  It was planned (and paid for) almost 6 months ago.  By me.  He’s never traveled internationally before.  I have many times.  I wanted to be with him when he got his 1st much desired stamp in his passport (he was so disappointed that he didn’t get one when we drove across the border into Mexico. Wa Wa)

 

Mr. OoT being Mr. OoT (pronounced Know-It-All), he has been debating with me about the importance and structure of going through international customs.  I’ve done it at least 3 dozen times.  He’s done it …. oh wait, NEVER.  Yet he still enjoys correcting me.  I so love being corrected when I’m not the one who is wrong.  I almost half hope he gets detained so that I can say ‘I told you so’ over my shoulder as I waltz out of the over-seas airport alone and leave his ass in custody.

 

I won’t, of course, because that’s not who I am.  For whatever reason I allow the men in my life (TD anyone?) to treat me like shit and forever forgive them.  Mr. OoT doesn’t actually treat me like shit (much) but does aim his intermittent rage filled hissy fits in my direction about every other month.  He actually needs to be medicated I think (and not by his beloved psychedelics either) and certainly needs to talk to someone other than me, but he never will.   Because he thinks he knows everything. Not ideal.

 

Ooops, did I forget to mention that he raged at me just the other day? It went on forever and it was especially shitty.  When he finally took a breath, I took that opportunity to tell him to fuck off.  And he was amazingly righteously indignant that I actually had the nerve to say that.  Then he dumped me.  Again.  And I agreed.  And we’re still headed out on a 16 hour travel day tomorrow to enjoy a bucket list trip for me.

 

Awkward much?!  You may want to keep your eyes on the news over the next week to see if one or both of us kill the other ……..

 

*please note, I am SUPER pissed right now, so have written this knowing that he is NOT a competely bad person.  He’s just a bad person for me.  And I’m the dumbass for still allowing him to come on this trip with me.

 

Canine Conundrums October 29, 2018

So, remember how I was so pissed at Mr. OoT for allowing me all of ONE day to come see me?  How he said he was planning on coming up on Saturday and heading back home on Sunday? How he said he ‘wished’ he could spend more time? How he said he couldn’t because of his son and school?  Turns out all these things are true.  Want to know what else is true?  That as soon as I heard him say these things I got pissed.  I sort of shut down and got all self righteous.

 

My days of introspection are few and far between lately yet still alive and well.  My days of knowing that there are probably better ways of dealing with things other than shutting down and acting like a child are always in the background.  That I need to approach things from a place of positivity rather than one of negativity.  Yet I don’t employ other means often.  I kind of hate that my default is to get all butt hurt and pissy.

 

I had the brilliant idea of broaching the topic of Mr. OoT’s visit again a few days ago.  This time, when he said he was planning on coming up on Saturday and leaving on Sunday, instead of getting offended and shutting down I said that I’d like him to consider staying longer.  That although I love his son, that since I was about to leave for 3 months and that this would be the last time we’d get to see each other for a while, that he might consider leaving him at home and staying a bit longer.  That he’d have a whole other entire week to spend with him before he went back to work and then 3 months of son-time while I was away.  I got the oddest response.  He agreed.  He even sounded excited.  He said that since he wasn’t going to bring his son, that it didn’t even need to be a weekend that he came to see me.  That he would now come Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday.  Three whole days!

 

Who knew?  I should.  I should know and remember that not everyone’s mind works the same way as mine.  That things that seem so blatantly obvious to me don’t necessarily occur to others.  That for all the times that I bash Mr. OoT for having a strange way of interpreting things and assuming that everyone’s minds work the same way as his, that I do the exact same thing.  Super strange realization for me.  I should know better.

 

So now, instead of only 1 night here with his son in tow, there will be 3 child free nights.  We’ve already discussed plans.  Day 1 will be for his ‘honey do’ list on things I need help with around the house and I will make us dinner (he loves when I cook).  Day 2 will be lazy and then date night with dinner and a movie that night.  (I told him he could choose the movie ….. god help me).  Day 3 will be who knows what?  I’m looking forward to it though.

 

It’s damn hard to teach old dogs new tricks…..pleasant, patient and gently persuasive is MUCH more effective than butt hurt and pouty.  I need to try to remember that ……

 

Just Admit It October 25, 2018

So silly. And annoying. When I say something and forget. Or when I say something and change my mind. Or when I say something that I regret. All have the same response and reaction from me. I apologize for forgetting, for changing my mind or regret saying. It seems so simple. SO. FUCKING. SIMPLE.

I don’t think I’m in in the minority when it comes to owning my shit. Maybe I am. When it is in regards to stupid shit though it’s just annoying as fuck to not have the other person just admit they forgot or changed their mind or never meant to say it in the first place. How hard is it to say those 4 simple words ‘I’m sorry, I forgot’.

For fuck sake. I talked to Mr. OoT yesterday about his coming to visit next weekend. He doesn’t like to be away from his son when he’s home, so it’s usually a given that he will come with on the rare occasion that Mr. OoT comes to my town. No biggie. I love that he loves his kids. Imagine my surprise and delight when Mr. OoT said (and I quote) “I may just leave him at home for the weekend, would that be okay?” Uhm, YES! I love his son, but this is the last weekend we’ll be able to spend time together before I leave for an extended period of time. When we were talking tonight, however, he mentioned his son being here. I told him that he had said he wasn’t bringing him and he then proceeded to tell me that I misunderstood. That I was wrong. That he never said that. That he was talking about Halloween night, not the weekend. That he never said he wasn’t going to bring his son. That he LOVES his son and doesn’t want to be away from him. Bullshit on the not being able to be away from his 15 year old son, btw (NOT that he loves him – ’cause he does. A lot) Why can he not just say he changed his mind instead of trying to convince me that I am wrong. That I’M the one that misunderstood. I AM wrong a lot of the time. I’m NOT this time.

As a bonus, he said he was probably going to drive up on Saturday and then head home on Sunday. For those of you bad at math, that’s 1 night. ONE. When I said that I was disappointed that he wouldn’t be staying longer, he said that he was too but that he couldn’t. You know, his son has school and all. I’m fucking pissed. I’m leaving for THREE MONTHS. He says he ‘wished’ he could stay longer. Uhm, he could. He doesn’t work when he’s back home. He has 2 solid weeks off. He just doesn’t want to. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that since it’s more than a week away, it wasn’t even on his radar yet (he is incapable of planning ahead). Super great end to our conversation last night.

 

Protected: Como se Tinder? February 26, 2018

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And Off He Goes February 22, 2018

So he who still doesn’t have a blog name leaves for vacation today. He’ll be back in 10 days. I won’t. I don’t leave until next week and won’t be back until the 2nd week in March.

Seems like weird timing to meet someone. While I have never believed in ‘bad timing’ and always thought of it as an excuse (unless, of course, you’re about to be imprisoned or deported), maybe that’s what this is.

Our texting has been pretty surface lately. As my new dating coach, Matthew Hussey (seriously, check him out; he knows his shit and is HOT) suggested, I have not been the one to initiate texts. I have not been the needy one. I have not ‘tested’ the situation.

Tonight Mr Vacation (oh, look who just got assigned a completely unimaginative blog name) sent a text apologizing for being incommunicado and kinda bleh the past couple of days. As it was completely unprompted, it was nice. Hey, maybe this shit works! Normally I would completely validate him and not want him to feel bad so would normally excuse everything. As I’m trying to embrace a new normal, all I said was that I appreciated his apology. And then I did something I normally wouldn’t do for fear of sounding needy or *gasp* letting him know I was interested. I told him that I wished that we could have gotten together before he left. Nope, wasn’t even guilt trippy or passive aggressive. It was just a statement and I left it at that.

He responded right back with another apology and saying he wished we could have gotten together as well, but that he just sort of ran out of time. While the old Grey would get all gushy and forgiving and let him off the hook because ‘look! he likes me!’, the new Grey isn’t so sure. He did have time to see me. He had time to see friends. He just didn’t prioritize seeing me and has, in fact, now run out of time.

Maybe we’ll chat while he’s gone, maybe we won’t. I’m not going to initiate anything and I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of my own damn vacation! Of course I won’t completely write him off as I do think he’s a good guy, but I will pay attention to what he does when I return.

Let’s face it. I don’t really know this guy. We’ve only met once. We’ve since exchanged about 400 text messages. Who knows what will happen. Here’s the difference between old & (hopefully) new Grey; I know what I want and what I deserve. I don’t need to make everything so easy by making myself so available. No, that doesn’t mean I need or want to make things difficult either. It just means I’ll pay attention and while I can ‘mirror’ his effort, I will not do all the work.

Now, while I never lie to others, we all know that I’m pretty damn good at lying to myself, so I guess we’ll see…..

 

Fast Track February 8, 2018

Not sure what this phrase even means.  I guess it’s up for interpretation.  To me it means getting to point B from point A as fast as possible.  To me it implies taking shortcuts and not really valuing the quality of the ‘route’ but just trying to accomplish something as fast as possible.  Mistakes and shoddy quality be damned.

You can imagine the look I gave my friend as we sat at happy hour on Monday with a mutual friend who is married.  We were regaling her with our stories of online dating.  My friend, who is my Bumble compatriot, says ‘yeah, Grey is on the fast track’.  Wasn’t quite sure how to take that.  Of course my 1st inclination was to be offended.  And I sort of was.

Is that what I’m doing by being on several dating sites at once and going on more than the average number of dates?  I never thought of it as ‘fast tracking’ (proven my 7 years, give or take, of online dating – thus, the blog).  I think of it more as a game of numbers.  And by game, I of course mean a lengthy and soul crushing journey to find the bright shinny penny in the piles of garbage.  Yes, there’s someone for everyone.  My someone just seems to be hiding.  Either that or I’ve already met him and scared him off.  Yikes. That thought scares the hell out of me.  I’ll choose to go with the hiding theory.

I am currently on Bumble, Plenty of Fish & Tinder.  I have several pen pals on Tinder.  I’ve yet to meet anyone off of there.  I’m still on the fence as to whether it’s a hookup site or not.  Plenty of Fish provided NYE date and several unsuitable dates.  Bumble is just kind of ‘meh’.  I did remember another phone based dating app called ‘Coffee Meets Bagel’ that I downloaded last weekend and which has provided me with 2 matches so far.  1 I met last night and 1 is currently annoying the hell out of me with text messages.  I never activated my ‘Our Time’ profile, so that doesn’t count.  So let’s see, I’m on 4 apps right now.

Is that too many?  I honestly don’t think it is or that I’m fast tracking anything.  Do I want to meet someone?  Hell yes!  Am I willing to settle?  Uhm, no.  Do I get attached MUCH too quickly to men that I don’t yet really know?  Sadly, yes, but it happens very rarely as I usually swing towards the other end of the spectrum and don’t feel a connection with most.  Am I okay being alone?  Well, my friends, that is the true question.  And I don’t really have an answer for that these days.

So here are the facts: She’s on one site and has had met 1 man this year.  I’m on four sites and have met 8.  We’re both still single.  Who’s way is right? As we all know my favorite thing in the universe to do is to overthink things (2018 resolutions be damned), she now has me wondering …….

 

****edited to add: before all the haters out there bash me for being ‘too picky’, I assure you, I’m not.  While I don’t have one of those dreaded ‘lists’ that I expect men to meet, I DO expect to feel the slightest desire to kiss or be kissed by one of them****go about your days now ❤