Different Strokes for Different Folks May 26, 2021

Yup. I’m unique. In a beat a dead horse until it’s more dead sorta way. In a replay everything in your head and overthink everything ad nauseam before deciding which route to take sorta way. In a choose the exact wrong option every single time sorta way.

I tried the no contact. I tried the blocking. I tried the cut him off completely. I seemed to get worse as time progressed. My mind is one fucked up wasteland of bad decisions and self negativity. I needed to figure this shit out. I’m tired of being sad and whiny and mopey.

You all may not want to read what comes next, but I’m writing it down for me. Feel free to yell obscenities at your phones. I deserve it.

I saw Mr. OoT. Are you still there? Did your phone survive the throw across the room? Did you scare the neighbors yelling at me? Honestly though, you can’t be THAT surprised that I did this, can you?

I wrote down 82 versions of what I wanted to say. Not what he wanted to hear, but what I wanted him to hear (as much as he is capable of listening – which is minimal). I drove to his town and he excitedly agreed to meet. We sat in a park and damn, it was weird. I haven’t seen him in person since October. He looked good, but chemistry was never the issue.

Without going into exactly what I said (as no one needs to hear that nonsense), I pretty much poured my heart out. Left no stone or speck of self respect unturned. I cried. I questioned. I defended. I explained. He sat there stoically as if I were a stranger. Asshole. Why I thought it might be appropriate to seek reassurance from the man who caused the damage is kinda beyond reason, but welcome to my world.

He apologized for being seemingly unaffected by anything I said, but said he didn’t think getting emotional would help the situation. He further explained that he had ‘friend zoned’ me long ago (fuck you and I call bullshit) and that, wait for it…..I was never ‘the one’. Thanks for that unnecessary tidbit you stupid fuck. He then proceeded to tell me that I am one of his all time favorite people and that he will always love me. As a friend. That I am his best friend Whatever.

As ridiculously hurtful as it all was to hear, it actually helped me. I got my questions answered, my feelings hurt and my pride all but decimated. Apparently those things are good for me? I ended up getting to see his son and his dad and (super weird) we all went to dinner. I guess I wanted 1 last day with everyone? Who knows. More tears were shed, but oddly enough, I didn’t cry during the 2 hour drive home.

Mr. OoT was bad for me. A narcissist to the core. Everything was a test that I repeatedly failed in his eyes. He wanted me to put in all the work while he did nothing.

One of the things that was hardest for me to wrap my head around was the fact that he is willingly handing out a multitude of ‘passes’ for The Frump. Things that he would NEVER accept from me, she gets away with. Things he would NEVER do for me he does for her. It’s mind boggling. He is 100% deluded if he thinks he will be able to sustain this charade. He is a narcissist to the core and while he may think that having someone whose only value add seems to be her adoration of Mr. OoT (pretty much the only thing they have in common). It is no longer my circus or monkeys.

Ready for the best part?! He actually asked me if 1) I would be willing to teach him how I planned such amazing travels for us so he can do the same for The Frump and 2) If he could hire me as his secretary so I could still help keep his life on track. My reply was 1) fuck you 2) why don’t you ask The Frump to do it 3) fuck you 4) fuck you 5) all those things are part of my ‘perk package’ that you are no longer entitled to and lastly 5) fuck you. What an asshole.

I get it. Seeing him 1 last time might seem insane to some. It actually helped though. He is not what I want. If he truly believes The Frump is his dream woman (I just gagged) I was never what he wanted. I let it all go on too long. I accepted way less than I deserve. I put up with far more than I ever should have. I’m still working on me and trying to figure out why the news of his impending nuptials (2 weeks and counting) sent me into such a tailspin. I feel better for having done this. I am a work in progress.

Good luck to The Frump. While everyone believes she is 100% manipulating Mr. OoT by playing on his insecurities (of which there are MANY) and is pulling all the strings, she has no idea what she is in for. While maybe she is The One to tame his demons and make him truly happy, I fear they are both in for a rude awakening. And honestly, as bitchy as it sounds and as much as it goes against everything I stand for, I couldn’t be happier about it.

I Miss You January 26, 2020

So read Mr. OoT’s last text to me.  Well of course you do, you big dumbass.  You had a year and half (actually, almost 2 years) to step up and at least TRY to get some help with your issues, but no, it was all too ‘inconvenient’ for you.  I just wasn’t worth it for you to put in the effort.  Idiot.

He had sent me a text with a link to a dishwasher the other day.  I ignored it.  I know what he was doing.  He counted on me to help him replace all his piece of shit appliances in his new piece of shit house.  To let him know what would look best.  To find the best deal.  To make sure all would work.  You see, Mr. OoT isn’t big on details.  I think he probably reads every 3rd word (at best) when reading descriptions (or my texts, for that matter).  The last time he ordered an appliance online, ‘it got delivered in the wrong color’.  No, my friend.  No it didn’t.  You failed to notice that the microwave you were purchasing was Almond in color, not white.

The fact that Mr. OoT’s favorite time to online shop is at night when high, it came as no surprise.  I actually had to keep myself from laughing the day the microwave got delivered and he removed it from the box.  He was SO pissed!  Anywhoo, back to this dishwasher.  It was an 18″ one.  Most people know that a standard dishwasher is either 23 or 24 inches across. For those that don’t, reading the product description as ‘compact version will fit in smaller spaces’ might be a bit of a tip-off.  This ALL escaped his notice.

He sent me a follow up message the next day asking “yes or no?”  I had more than half a mind to give him the thumbs up so he would order it and be super pissed/surprised when this mini version arrived.  As I’m not (always) a complete bitch, I wrote back that it would be better for him to order a standard sized dishwasher. He had NO CLUE that dishwashers come in different sizes. *sigh*

He then thanked me for pointing that out, said he would try not to bother me so much and then, as a separate text, sent an “I miss you” and a crying emoji.  I think by the time I am completely over all of this will be 3 seconds before we board our international flight together next month.  And then I can start the whole process over again. *sigh*

If You Can’t Beat Them …… January 24, 2020

So we all know how I feel that Facebook is the root of all evil. Oh, you didn’t? Well, I do. People share WAY too much information. I neither care nor am interested in knowing what you had for lunch yesterday. Or the day before. I don’t want to read about your every thought that crosses through your head.

I especially don’t want to see all the Namaste posts made by people that I know for a fact to be pretty much the opposite of Namaste and peace and love. Yes, Mr. OoT and oldest sister, I’m looking at you.

Facebook is good for keeping in touch with old friends. Facebook is for people you never really liked in your past to track you down in your present and friend request you. Facebook is to see what concerts are coming to your area. You know, important shit like that. Oh, and dog pictures. ALL the dog pictures.

It has always bothered me that people post their relationship status on Facebook. Announcing new relationships. Announcing the end of said relationships. It’s a well known fact that it’s not really real until it’s posted on Faceboo, right?

Anywho, it’s always bothered me that Mr. OoT likes to announce when he’s single (after waiting the less than appropriate 12 hours). When we 1st started dating he claimed to not know how to remove it from his main profile page. When he ‘figured it out’ on how to remove from his main profile, I discovered he had just moved it to his ‘about’ page. Again, he claimed ignorance. Btw, do we all know that Mr. OoT used to be an IT guy? Right.

So this morning, for whatever reason, I looked at Mr. OoT’s page. I looked at all his new ‘friends’. It will not surprise you to know that they are all female. Whatever. And all of them have ‘single’ as their status announced on their front page. I feel like warning them, but whatever, not my circus.

As I am, in fact, single, I opted to actually put that on my profile page. Mind you, I have never posted a relationship status on my profile. Ever. Single, dating, it’s complicated, in a relationship, nothing. I figure if I’m going to get the universe to do it’s job though, it couldn’t hurt to get a little help from Facebook, right? And maybe, just maybe, I did it as a middle finger to Mr. OoT. Namaste motherfucker…

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….

Repo Man Resurfaces January 17, 2020

Senitlity sucks. The fact that I can’t even remember my blog names for people is kinda sad.  The fact that I can’t link back original posts from the past sucks even more. For you.

Repo Man and I ‘met’ online almost 4 years ago? Maybe 3. Regardless, we never actually met in person at that time. He had asked me, way back then, if I wanted to meet on a Friday or a Sunday.  I chose Sunday.  Apparently he got lucky fell in love with someone else on that Friday. when he cancelled on me, I was fine.  We hadn’t actually met, so who cared.  I was happy for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and he would call me every now and again.  Usually for dating advice.  He is a super nice guy and his M.O. seemed to always be to give his girlfriends 3 do-overs.  Who am I to judge?  I gave Mr. OoT about 37 do-overs. Anyway, our timing never worked.  We were never single at the same time. We never actually met until last year when Mr. OoT and I were broken up (for the 28th time) and Repo Man picked me up at the airport in my old town, took me to lunch, dropped me back off at the airport to catch my connection and laid a huge kiss on me before driving off.  Caught me totally off guard, but I’m always up for a good kiss.

We texted a bit, I did see him last winter, but he was dating someone else by then.  Go figure.  As an aside, I’ve noticed that men my age (ancient) seem to not like to be alone.  They hop from one woman to the next.  I sure wish they would take some time alone to work on their own issues instead of constantly searching for someone new to ‘fit’ where they want them to.

Back to me. I hadn’t heard from Repo Man for almost a year when he called me out of the blue.  We chatted for a long time.  He said he was dating someone new.  He asked why we never dated.  He tracked me down on Facebook and friend requested me. About a month after that I see the grand announcement that he’s engage.  Uhm, what? Whatever, we ALL know he jumped the gun on this.  Not my circus.  I was a decent friend and congratulated him on Facebook.  Yey for love!

When I was back in his city last week, he asked if we could meet for lunch.  Sure, why not, I like food and he’s a nice guy.  My bff said he was interested.  I told her she was crazy.  He was engaged and probably just needed some advice.

We met for lunch, chatted for hours, exchanged relationship stories (his good, mine horrible). He asked what had happened to me.  Where my self confidence had gone.  Ouch.  He told me I was gorgeous and smart and kind and that there was something about me that just made him feel comfortable opening up to me.  This last one I take as one of the best compliments ever.  I’ve been told this many times by many different people.  I love that people feel comfortable talking to me.  I am great at advice and guidance.  For others, of course, not for myself.

He asked, again, why we never dated.  Uhm, not very appropriate when he’s engaged.  I asked if his fiance’ knew we were having lunch together.  Nope.  I asked if he had ever mentioned me to her.  Nope.  I asked how he would explain who I was to her.  I don’t even know how to explain who we are to each other.  We ‘met’ online but never actually dated yet have stayed in touch for 3 years? Probably wouldn’t go over well.  Oh well; not my circus.

Anyway, I gave him some relationship advice (again, do as I say, not as I do), he gave me a huge hug (which I definitely needed) and we went on our separate ways.  Me back to my beach haven and he to his matronly fiance’.  Ooops, did I say that?  I decided that his relationship was his deal.  He needs to decide if us having lunch is right or wrong.  My fixer days are over for others.  People need to find and follow their own moral compass.  Me?  I just need to do me for a while.

Oh, and he already asked if we could meet for lunch again when I’m back in town next month……..

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

“A” For Effort July 20, 2019

Or maybe, too little too late.  As I still haven’t told Mr. OoT to completely fuck off (am I waiting for a miracle?), he texts me most days.  Most days I don’t respond.  When I do, they are short, not so sweet and completely disconnected.  He phones me almost every day.  Almost every day I send him to voicemail.  I warned him once that if I get to the ‘shut down’ phase, it’s pretty impossible to get me to care again.  I’m kinda there.  Although I do still care, kind of, there’s no need for him to know that.

 

He sends me apologies, please forgive me’s, I’ll change(s) and a multitude of other niceties.  He talks of my upcoming birthday and future trips we’ll take together.  He talks of the future and how he’ll do everything possible to make me happy.  I never respond to these message.  They make me sad.  And a bit annoyed.  I gave him over a year to step up.  He didn’t.

 

He’s competitive.  Not sure if all these niceties are because he truly means them or he just wants to ‘win’.  I refuse to get back on the roller coaster.  Today’s apology was a good one.  He’s a huge music lover.  We’ve always exchanged UTube links to different songs that we like.  Songs that mean something to us.  Songs that make us happy.  Songs that tell the story of the day.

 

Today he sent me the link to The Petshop Boys “Always on my mind”, complete with lyrics.  It was sweet and sad and made me tear up just a little.  Too little, too late indeed ….

Just Like Ordering A Pizza July 16, 2019

I’ve used this analogy to describe the Male (and yes, female too) mindset of online dating. It also describes the mindset of daters in general.  Thinking you can pick and choose the traits (toppings) you want for your mate (such a lame term). Mr. OoT is no exception.  Sure, everyone has some idea of what they want, but to have a specific list is, IMHO, insane.

As we all realize that Mr. OoT may be a bit insane himself, he is super specific in what he likes. Oddly so.  Not in important qualities like education, ability to hold a conversation, good heartedness or anything else that I would put at the TOP of my list.  These qualities would go at the bottom of his.  While he knows that a ‘dumb’ girl wouldn’t be able to hold his attention due to his love of a good debate, I’m pretty sure this other list trumps that.  His list is of a different kind. Like down to footwear. He likes blondes. Blondes with bobbed hair cuts to be weirdly specific (and outdated). Blondes with bobbed hair cuts that wear sundresses. And Birkenstocks. And smoke weed (not the kind you find in my yard). For the record, and just to state the obvious, I am NONE of the above aside from being blonde.

The Spinner is all of the above. I know this from my super sleuthing. Down to the sundress. Specifically a really ugly one that she sent a photo of to Mr. OoT when he said he loved them. It was hanging on a clothesline in her backyard. Of course it was. *insert eye roll here*

I’m more edgy than hippie in my dress.  I prefer footwear that doesn’t look like I’ve been wearing them since the mid ’70s.  I hate sundresses.  You can’t wear a bra with them and they have super weird squared off necklines.  And they remind me of something a little girl would wear (sorry to all you sundress lovers out there, they’re just not for me).  My life’s ambition (besides catching a tapeworm) is to grow my hair long.  And dye it super dark brown.  Just like Mr. OoT hates.  Which I will be doing next weekend.