43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

What I’ve Learned In 100 Years Of Dating July 21, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:43 am

We haven’t had an Introspective Monday in a while …… yes, that was your warning to stop reading right now and run …. run fast and run far………. ;-)

This blog is about online dating but really online is no different from ‘traditional’ dating.  It’s just a different way to meet your dates.

I’ve wondered what the issue is with my dating.  Or, more specifically, my dates.  There’s nothing wrong with them.  It’s me.  I’m the one that is the issue.  I’ve always wondered why I had such bad luck or why I always met the wrong guys.  I haven’t.  I’ve just not conducted myself in a way that anyone feels the need to stick around.

I’m not a game player.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  If I like a guy, I let them know.  I spend a lot of time building others up.  I go out of my way not to make others feel bad.  And like I can handle everything for fear of appearing weak.  I don’t complain or put my foot down for fear of appearing like a bitch.

I just heard a movie line.  ‘Treat them like shit & it makes them want you more.’  And I think it’s true.  Too bad I do the opposite.   I did it with TD, I did it with The Unicorn & I’ve probably done it with every guy I’ve been interested in for the last 10 years.

I spend so much time building others up and stroking their egos that they’re the ones that get complacent.  They know they ‘have me’ therefore they don’t have to work at it.  They know I’m not going anywhere.

Just like when a guy lets me know how much he likes me.  Whether I like him ‘enough’ or not, I know I don’t have to go out of my way in order to try and make sure he keeps liking me.  That’s my mistake.  And I hate that it’s taken me this long to figure it out.  I hate even more that I’m going to have to change who I am.

I spent 6 months putting TD back together after his break up with the crazy neighbor ex.  I spent the next year letting him know how awesome I thought he was.  Letting him know I wasn’t going anywhere.  Not letting him know what I wanted.  And needed.  Not having him ‘work’ to keep me around.  He could basically do anything and I was still there.

The Unicorn was much the same story. He spent a lot of time telling me how awesome I was. How much he liked me. How he only dates 1 person at a time. He told me about all the places we would go together and things we would do. He told me how he wasn’t treated nicely by his last 2 girlfriends. How he wasn’t used to being taken care of. I didn’t tell him about my last ‘relationship’ and how hurtful it was. I didn’t tell him, when he offered to take care of me and my knee, how much I wanted and needed someone to do that for me. Instead, I spent my time letting him know how much I liked him. How I would be the one to take care of him. If I truly dissected the time we had together, he was most attentive and communicative when I was stand offish at first. When I let him know how much I liked him is when he disappeared. I thought I was following his lead. I thought that since he’d told me how much he liked me, that I could do the same. How was I to know that I’d scare him off?

Thing is, I do know. I should have known a long time ago. I’ve got 2 choices; either don’t ever like a guy again or just don’t ever let a guy know that I like him. And I hate that. I hate that I can’t be ‘me’. That I have to play some game of being aloof. Some game that allows the guy to feel like he’s having to ‘chase’ me. I don’t know why it can’t just be that when a guy tells me how much he likes me that I can actually BELIEVE him. That it is then okay for me to tell him how much I like him.

I look back on my 100 or so years of dating and I was happiest, and most popular back in my college days and through my 20s. No, not just because I was pretty damn hot and had thighs that could crack a walnut. But because I didn’t really care much about guys or how I treated them. I never had a hard time getting a date. I never had a hard time keeping a guy interested because, sadly, I just wasn’t interested in them. And the ones that I was, yes, I probably scared away.

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to ‘learn’ my lesson and put these new ‘rules’ into action.  Pretty sure that after my ‘meet and greet’ tonight (who will inevitably like me because I’m not sure that I’m all that interested), that I’m going to have to take another break.  Not because there aren’t good guys out there, but because I apparently don’t know what to do with them……

 

 

Someone Is Colorblind July 19, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:40 am
Tags: , , ,

And it isn’t me. Craptastic E-Harmony has this color coding system for all of my ‘perfect’ matches. Someone who appears with a green background is ‘great’ for me, just a ‘bit’ outside my requested parameters. These parameters could be anything from location (no, I did not request to matched with someone who lives 200 miles away), to height (thanks for the 5’6″ guys, but since I’m 5’10″, that’s just never going to happen), to not even having a photo posted (sorry, no pictures, no contact). Now, if a match arrives in my in-box with a blue border, then they’re supposedly PERFECT for me. Based on the 2,456,785 inane personality questions asked when you sign up.

Let me give you a rundown of today’s ‘perfect’ matches for me:

1) A 5’6″ Asian IT guy who lives 200+ miles from me, is uber religious (I’m not), is 5’6″ inches tall, does not like dogs and who likes to play video games on the weekends.

2) Someone whose one and only picture is of his dog. No, not he and his dog, just his dog and who hasn’t filled out any of the ‘essay’ portions of his profile.

3) A dump truck driver who again lives 200+ miles from me, hasn’t filled out any of his profile and who loves to fish.

I ask you, what the hell do any of these guys (or dog) have to do with anything remotely similar to me, my interests or my preferences?

I promise you, I cast a wide net online. I’m not superficial enough to require a certain height (I only ask that I can look them in the eye without throwing my back out), hair color, income or profession (although I don’t think I could actually get into ‘job talk’ with a dump truck driver). I usually read someone’s profile before I even look at the photos. When the only information I have to go on is that they can’t live without their bible, their worlds of warfare or a Mickey’s big mouth, that leaves me only with their photo. Which inevitably is of them holding up a dead fish, doing lewd things to a statue or standing a great distance from the camera, yet next to a mid life crisis mobile…..

In what world are these men ‘perfect’ for me?

 

Who Likes To Swing? July 17, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:36 am

And no, I don’t mean in a ‘let’s go to the park and have some fun’ kinda way. I mean in a ‘let’s go to the country club after hours and swap partners’ kinda way. Great. That was the 1st message I got when I went back on OkCupid (do you now know why I refer to it as OkStupid?). A cute guy who wrote a terrific profile sent me this. Uhm, what is it about my profile and professed desire to find ‘my one’ or the explicit category of ‘strictly monogamous’ that would leave room for ‘grey area’?

The powers that be on that site (and by that, I mean the trained monkeys that have no clue what they’re doing) have deemed it appropriate to send me bisexuals and men looking for ‘a casual hookup’ (yes, that’s actually an option that you can choose) in my daily quick-matches. Super. If anything, it certainly cuts down the time it takes me to actually go through my matches each day….

I did have one guy message me (exactly 12 minutes after I joined) and it turns out that I’ve met him before. I even have his phone number in my phone. He apparently has no clue though as his amazingly soul searching question for me was ‘what makes a great martini’ with no reference to his name, my name or anything else. I thought about ‘reminding’ him that we’ve met – and chatted at length – but decided against it. If he can’t remember who I am less than 2 months later, then I couldn’t have made that great of an impression.

Not sure if I’m even in the mood to date right now. Not sure I’ve been in the mood for the past couple of years, truth be told. Still kinda pissed/hurt that the 1st that I did get excited about in the last couple of years turned and ran (or whatever the ‘real’ truth is). I’m a good date. I know that. I follow the guys’ lead. I’m funny and talkative and ask lots of questions about him. I’m not ‘interview-y’ or awkward. I was told, by a few people, that I need to be more ‘vulnerable’. Truth be told, I don’t even know what that means. Should I declare that I need help (no, not mental, thank you very much)?

Oh well, the way things are going, I won’t need to brush up/reevaluate my dating skills anytime soon as my options are looking none too promising. Unless I learn to like swinging……….

 

An Old Friend Revisited July 13, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:48 am

So I’ve waffled back and forth regarding getting in touch with a specific old friend. Our past relationship has been filled with many ups and downs. He’s made me laugh, he’s made me cry, he’s brightened my day and he’s also made me want to throw myself off the roof at times. He’s put me in some very awkward and uncomfortable situations. He’s hurt my feelings more times than I can count.

I tend to forgive more than I should. I know everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is able to improve or better themselves. I have never felt that any ‘wrong’ done to me was intentional. I hold out high hopes that he is ‘better’ now and will be nicer to me.

I know I’m playing with fire. I know I may be setting myself up for a world of hurt. I can’t go through life expecting the worst of people though. Although it tends to lean towards the ‘dribble’ variety, I try to keep my glass half full.

I’m sure many of you are currently yelling at your computer screens (hopefully you’re not in church) and shaking your heads. You’re right, I may NEVER learn. I think it’s just something I need to do. To at least try. Again. And hope for better results.

Although I’m sure you’re all frustrated with me at the moment, I hope you find it in your hearts to keep good thoughts because, after much deliberation back and forth; After much soul searching and trying to figure out if I’m ‘strong’ enough to go through this again; if I’m up for the disappointment and aggravation; I’ve made my decisions. I’m going to put up a profile back up on OkCupid.

What did you think I was talking about?

 

E Harm Is Out To Get Me July 12, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:28 am

Is it really possible that I’ve dated every single, age appropriate man in town already? Does E Harm really feel the need to start sending me ‘matches’ that live out of town, that smoke or whose one horrid profile picture is a grainy mug shot looking one from the late 90s?

So the only person that I have communicated with since the Unicorn is a gentleman who claims to be 43 years old. If he’s actually a day under 53 years old though, I’d be surprised. He wrote a decent profile and his pictures weren’t horrible, so I started communicating with him. Yes, even I realize how amazingly pathetic that lack of excitement sounds. Kind of like picking the best of the worst. Ick.

Anywhoo, he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I said sure. Duh. I told him I was available this weekend and to let me know what worked for him. And he hasn’t. And that was 3 days ago and really? How DARE someone that I agreed to meet just not respond. ;-)

Meh, bullet most likely dodged. I guess he’s just collecting ‘yeses’ on his scorecard. Lucky me…..

 

2 Sides To Every Coin July 11, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:28 pm

‘My’ Reality:

1) Met a great guy online
2) He told me wonderful things about me
3) He liked me
4) We had a great time together
5) We talked easily and for hours
6) Circumstances beyond his control overwhelmed him
7) He cancelled his online dating membership (thus the greyed out picture)
8) I will hear from him again
9) I will find out if we’re a good fit or not

‘The’ Reality
1) I met a great guy online
2) He told me wonderful things about me
3) He might have liked me, just not enough
4) We had fun together
5) We talked easily and for hours
6) His dad got sick
7) He blocked me online so he could continue ‘shopping’ without my seeing
8) I will never hear from him again
9) He just wasn’t that into me :-(

While I do believe about his dad, I don’t think he’d have cut me off completely if he were still remotely interested. Doesn’t everyone need someone to lean on at times like this? The fact that there were no ‘fluffy’ sentiments in his last message to me kind of supports the fact that he’s just lost interest. Not sure why he told me he’d contact me when things calmed down though. Just like I’m not sure why he said he’d call when he didn’t. Also not sure why I keep believing everything that guys tell me… :-(

 

Turns Out Tuesdays Are Just As Bad July 10, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:20 am
Tags: , , ,

As my one loyal follower ;-) just asked, I know I’ve owed you all an update. But to put it in the blog makes it (mostly) true. When last you heard, I hadn’t heard from my unicorn, so against most advice, I wrote to him again. Oh, and one more time after that for good measure. Bad decisions are mostly my thing. I’m not sure this was a bad one though. It just didn’t garner me the response I was hoping for.

I was driving myself crazy with all of my neurotic ‘what if’s’ and ‘what I could have done betters’. Without knowing what was going on with his dad, with him or with me, I was left to either believe what he had told me or decide that he had lied about everything – his feelings and thoughts about me included. I just didn’t want to do that.

I figured it couldn’t hurt (famous last words, right?). If he wasn’t interested, this would just give him one more reason not to be. So I sent him a message. One saying I hoped that he was well. That I hoped that his dad was doing well. That although I knew I had no right to ask and felt hugely lame and selfish for doing so, that I just didn’t know where his head was at regarding me and that I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to be hearing from me or have me checking in.

One of my biggest faults is taking people at their word. And yes, I know how completely fucked up it is to consider that a fault. I believe what people tell me and I don’t ask many questions. I certainly don’t ask questions when I don’t really want to hear the answers. I couldn’t figure out how someone as seemingly sincere, honest, open and forthcoming who had been all about multiple forms of contact each day could do a complete 180. While not being a total Polyanna about things, I know people lie. I know men lie. I just don’t like to acknowledge that when it comes to me. As to do so would prove my dirty little secret fear that at least for me, guys aren’t really interested in ‘me’, they’re just interested in sleeping with me. No, I’m not some great prize and am far from the sexiest woman alive, but my past (fucked up) relationships have sort of supported that thought.

Anyway, I’m getting off target here. So I sent my message to him on Monday night. And he responded 1st thing Tuesday morning. I actually looked at his message sitting in my in box for a good 2 minutes before opening it. And when I did, here’s what it said:

Hi Grey Goose,

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I have been so busy with work and mostly travel. I have been back for a few days. Going back to see dad later this week. dad is not doing too well, so I will most likely be going back and forth for awhile. Not much time for anything else right now. Its not fair for you to be waiting around for me to get things taken care of. I have basically put the rest of my life on hold for right now….its the only way i can deal with these things. I appreciate you checking in to see how things are. The only thing I can say is I can try and get with you when things settle down. i can not say when that will be at this point, but I most certainly don’t want you waiting around for me….or anyone else for that matter.

I will let you know when things calm down. If you chose not to talk to me at that point, I will understand.

Hope all is well. talk to you later.

Unicorn

And there you have it.  Nothing flowery or even remotely personal.  No ‘I’ll miss yous’.  No ‘I wish it could be different’.  No ‘I really liked yous’.  He’s just not interested enough to let me help.  Or for him to keep in contact with.  And it sucks.  While I DO absolutely believe what he’s saying about his dad, I guess I can’t wrap my head around why I just got shut out.  I understand the whole feeling of being overwhelmed and I guess the fact that he didn’t get to know me quite well enough before this happened put me in a disposable category (which may have happened even if we had met sooner).  I would like to believe that I will hear from him again in the future.  If I do, I will ask how/why he disappeared without a word and will be much more cautious with my feelings (ha – famous last words).  I also know that if I do, I will give him a pass.  I’m just not sure that I will ever hear from him again… and that makes me exceptionally sad.

As I know you’re all just assuming (and rightly so) that I had to respond one last time, of course I did.  And here’s what I sent:

Hi Unicorn,

I’m so very sorry for all that you and your dad are going through.  I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you traveling back and forth while worrying about work, your house, your dad and all else.  I do wish we knew each other better so you would know that there’s not much I wouldn’t do to help a friend.  I feel bad for your going through this on your own.

Thank you for your reply.  Although not what I was hoping for, I completely understand.  The last thing in the world you need to worry about is me.  I do hope you know what a good man (and son) you are.

Please know that if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever, that I’m here.  You can call or e-mail anytime.

Take care of yourself & your dad.  I’ll keep you both in my thoughts…..

And thus ends the most interesting thing to have happened in my pathetic dating life in over a year.  There is no one even remotely interesting on the horizon for me.  I have spent the last few days feeling exceptionally sorry for myself.  I try to keep busy and go out and do things with friends, but that horrible thought of ‘if only I were better….’ still lingers in the back of my mind and what might have happened (or not), had the situation/timing been different.

Bleck….. Now would be an awesome time for you all to embrace your own inner Pollyannas and assure me that he is being sincere and that I WILL hear from him again …. oh, and of course, how awesome I am. ;-)

 

 
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