Damn He’s A Lucky Man February 25, 2012

So whoever just assumed that I would end up going boating tomorrow with TD and his kids will be shocked and amazed to know that I’m not.  As much as I would absolutely LOVE to spend the day with them on the water (are you kidding me?  5 of my favorite things in the world all at once?), I know it wouldn’t be good for me and would start the whole roller coaster again.  Plus, everyone is right, as much as you all think I deserve better, how is he going to realize he misses me if I’m always there?  Anyway, I sent off a text saying ‘Thank you for the invitation to go boating.  There is nothing I would love more than to spend the day on the water with you and the kids but I can’t’.  To which he promptly replied ‘I understand.  I wasn’t sure if I should have invited you or not’.  Which I’m glad that he did, but then again ………. and of course, I immediately started crying.  Yey me.

To distract myself I went on match to send out some more winks.  Lame, I know, but whatever.  Guess who was online?  TD!  Still.  Unless it was the hugest coincidence ever that he just happened to sign on when I did both times today, I figured he probably just left himself logged on in the background of his computer today.  Until I ran one last search before I logged off to see that his ‘online now’ status had changed to ‘IM me now’.    Which means that he was not only actually on-line, but ‘chatting’ with someone.  Double boo.

Anywhoo, my date for tonight confirmed and gave up the digits.  It was a pretty funny reply that he sent so at the very least, I hope to have fun tonight.  And hope to hell that I don’t start crying as I seem to be doing a lot of lately.

2.5 Days Left February 25, 2012

Yup, that’s right, my pity membership to match ends on Monday.  Now, not knowing if that means Monday morning or Monday evening creates a bit of a dilemma for me.  In that I’ve actually messaged a couple of guys.  One is 6’3″ and lives pretty far from me but sent me a very funny initial message regarding competing for inane Brady Bunch knowledge.  As we all know, I heart all things Brady.  Don’t judge me, I just do.  There is a 2nd guy who messaged me this morning saying that I was very attractive and had a great smile.  Okay, so not the most information filled message, but I’ll take all the compliments I can get right now.  Especially since when I ran a search, TD came up and guess who was ‘online now!’?   Anywhoo, the dilemma is when/if to send out another way for them to contact me after Monday.  Does that seem desperately lame?  As we all know that I am kinda desperately lame, I guess it doesn’t really matter ………. Oh, and the compliments guy, who is 5’11″ (or so he says) is a lawyer which is usually a recipe for disaster with me as that means he’s argumentative and heaven forbid I pass up the opportunity for a good debate .  Anyway, he messaged me about 30 minutes ago and while I would usually play the ‘make ‘em wait for a reply’ game, I felt I didn’t have much time, so replied right away.  Oh goody!  I AM desperately lame!  Yey me!

Oh!  And my comedy club date tonight with tall 51 year old?  He hasn’t confirmed.  Or sent me his number even though I sent him mine.  As I’m not a ginormous fan of being stood up, I sent him a message via match asking if we’re still on for tonight but really?  Shouldn’t that be his job? *sigh* I kinda hate men right now……

What The F*Ck Am I Doing? February 24, 2012

So those of you left that haven’t cursed my name and continue to torture yourselves reading my ‘woe is me’ ramblings will find it not all that surprising that I’ve been a bit of a nutcase this week regarding TD.  I’ve run the gamut from sad to mad to pathetic to pissed and it all gets rolled into one weepy annoying mess.  Nice.  Yesterday I was actually kinda mad at TD.  Mad at him for playing with me (literally and figuratively).  Mad at him for knowing how I felt about him and still continuing to lead me on.  Mad at him for claiming that he was following my lead when all along, I thought that I was following his.  What is it about me that makes me be so delusional about what’s going on?  How could I not pay attention to what he was verbally telling me?  Oh, that’s right, because while he was telling me we were just friends and that he was going to date some more, he was acting otherwise.  A very wise friend of mine hit the nail on the head that we are each others security blankets.  And that while pathetic on my part, it’s okay for him to be my security blanket, but not so okay for him to keep me around as his while having every intention of replacing me with a newer style.  I could be perfectly happy with my irregular, beat up blankie.  He wants a new one.

So anyway, yesterday i was mad.  Which meant at least I wasn’t blubbering all over the place and was almost functional.  Yey me.  Wasn’t a blubbering idiot that is, until he texted me last night in order to tell me that he missed me.  Is he allowed to do that?  Can he be equally as delusional in that he thinks I’d be okay with hanging around while he looks for a replacement?  Well, as that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past 4 months, I guess so.  I’m not sure why it sent me into such a funk though.  A shitty one that continues on today.  Awesome.

Wanna know what makes all this even better?  And by better, I mean a big ole’ slap in the face?  I had lunch with Finger Foods today.  You remember, my none too common sense gifted friend that stayed with me for a while?  The one who would leave my front door hanging wide open for my dogs to run out?  The one who would invite me to dinner/lunch/breakfast/the movies/whatever at least 5 times a week?  The one that I originally met on Match and we became friends?  The one that I figured would be on there long after I had coupled up?  Yeah, he’s got a girlfriend.  Not that I would ever be interested in him but really?  Can everyone find someone on there except me?

Okay, so back to my neurotic spastic self.  We texted last night and that totally screwed me and my resolve up.  Totally.  I texted him this morning asking him to tell me something nice as I was having a crappy morning (thanks to him).  Yes people, I am THAT lame.  He texted back that I am the nicest most generous person he has ever met.  Uhm, is that anything like telling the husky unattractive girl that she has a good personality?  He apologized for texting last night and acknowledged that he shouldn’t have.  Anyway, as I had the brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not so brilliant) idea to try to talk him into liking me for the bazillionth time, I asked him to stop by tonight.  YES!  I suck more than I could have ever imagined.  I’m apparently going for some needy moron award of some sort.  Then I changed my mind.  I told him not to come over and proceeded to write a crappy e-mail to him which I never sent.  Then I let my guilty conscience get to me and ……..wait for it ………. called him to apologize!  Fuck me!  Which resulted in a very awkward and stilted phone conversation about absolutely nothing.  Nothing but an invitation to go boating with he and the kids on Sunday.  Oh, and telling me that he LOVES having me in his life.  Yey me!  Maybe me and his new whorish blankie (once he finds one that is pretty enough) can be bestest buddies!

Look, when Finger Foods, who has met TD and thinks he’s an awesome guy, tells me to drop his ass as he’s just using me (he didn’t actually use the term security blanket though), it’s time for me to wake up.  Thing is, I KNOW what is going on.  I KNOW it won’t go anywhere.  I KNOW what I need to do.  NO contact.  NONE.  It’s a matter of actually sticking to it that seems to be presenting a challenge.

Any bets on if I go boating or not?

The Votes Are In! February 23, 2012

So those of you nice enough to weigh in on my 6 day plight with my match membership will be none to surprised to find out that it’s now 5 days.  And that I still don’t know what I’m going to do about things.  Things being vodka consumption, refrigerator consumption, fishing for tools, online hair pulling (that just sounded dirty), never talking to TD again, never dating again, turning into a lesbian or anything else at this point.  As I’m back on that stupid HCG diet, no worries about the vodka and fridge consumption as those aren’t allowed.  Boo.  As for tool fishing online, well, who knows.  I haven’t actually been on an official internet date since September.  With the lovely tall gentleman that looked everywhere but at me while talking.

Just to add some fun to my TD plight, he text messaged me a picture last night.  Of Michael Bubble’!  TD is in CA for work and ended up in the same bar as him!  I forgot for a minute that I’m supposed to not be talking to him/trying to be mad at him/cursing his name and instead turned into a giddy schoolgirl.  Awesome.  To muddy things even more, his son text messaged me with some girl problems yesterday and we went back and forth for the good part of an hour.  Pretty cool that his son would think to ask me.  I guess being as he likes a girl who doesn’t necessarily like him back as much, he figured I’d be the expert on such scenarios. As we were texting, I inquired as to how my very custom created Simms character was doing.  After all, he was nice enough to create me and have me marry his dad.  *sigh*  Unfortunately I was informed that I passed away during childbirth and when I inquired if they at least sprung for a nice funeral for me instead of burying me in the backyard next to the guinea pig, I was told that ‘he just left me at the hospital for them to deal with the body’.  Uhm, ouch.

Anyway, back to the reason for the stilted and headache inducing post.  I have a date on Saturday night.  With the 6’4″ 51 year old.  Yey?  He seems nice enough and actually planned a real date.  To a comedy club.  Bonus points there.  He also wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner before or after the show and I’m trying to politely decline that option.  We all know how I feel about dinner dates.  I guess I should actually look at his pics again and read his profile.  I’m a giver like that.  It is nice of him though to have TD’s same 1st name.  At least I won’t get busted for calling him **** by mistake.  However, I am dreading putting his number in my phone as each time I see a text or a call from ****, I’m going to hope/wish it was from the other one.

Damn this sucks.  I’d usually whine to my best friend about such things………..oh, wait …….

What Would You Do If You Only Had 6 Days Left? February 22, 2012

No, not to live you big sillies!  6 days left of your craptastic pity membership to match.  6 days left to have every inappropriate (read: short, unattractive, out of state) tool bachelor contact you.  6 days left to revel in the amazingly sad statistic that my profile has been viewed 7,691 times over the past 12 months and I have not much to show for it.  6 days left to cringe scratch my head every time I look at the list of guys that have ‘favorited’ me.  6 days left to decide if I want to extend or not.  6 days left to decide that if I do decide to take my profile down, that I will not come in TD’s searches and he will not be reminded that I AM a good match for him.  6 days left to decide if that’s totally lame.  6 days left to decide if I really want to even date right now.  6 days left to send out as many winks as my little fingers can manage without spraining anything.  6 days left to bemoan the fact that this will be the 2nd year (YEAR people) that I have been online dating and have only a few sad highlights to show for it.  I’m thinking the top 4 are Lemon Zinger, Paul (aka: dear john), Webster & TD.  I don’t even know how to categorize these blips on the radar, but just for shits and giggles, here goes:

Lemon Zinger:  SOOOOOO not my type, but made me laugh and wrote amazing e-mails.  Had an awesome time in person when we met.  He ‘really’ liked me and I really liked him.  Then he turned into a flake.  I turned into a neurotic idiot and that was that.  All of about 3 weeks, 3 dates and 1 dear Grey Goose letter later.

Paul: Such a nice guy.  So unsure of what he was doing as he was just coming off of a 12 year marriage.  Had fun.  Actually took him to a family function and he survived meeting the family.  He was very slow with the physical contact but ended our 3rd and (unbeknownst to me) final date with a really awesome kiss.  To be followed by yet another Dear Grey Goose Letter in the morning.  Anyone else seeing a trend here?  I converted him to a friend (this one actually was a friend), but haven’t spoken to him since before the holidays.  Oh well.

Webster:  Ahhhh, my favorite project boy.  7 months separated, 7 months sober, 7 months without kissing anyone.  Had a penchant for using really long and pretentious words in the wrong context.  Best kisser …….. EVER.  Actually made me dinner.  We had a pretty amazing chemistry thing going.  So amazing that I didn’t take note of what a dick he was being.  I think he made it to date #5 or 6 (don’t laugh, that was a record for me up until that point).  Ended up getting a Dear Grey Goose letter from him too.  A full month after he seemingly fell off the face of the earth.  Awesome.

TD:  yeah, whatever, read back over the past 7 months and he’s all over the place.  Still don’t know how to categorize him.  The one that referred to us as ‘friends’ but then tells me the other day that he considered us ‘dating’.  What?  I don’t ‘date’ guys without kissing them.  Duh.  Everyone knows that.  Woulda been nice to know he thought we were dating so I could have actually acted like a date instead of trying to play by his ever changing friendship rules.  I got to send the Dear TD letter on this one.  About 3 different times.  Shoulda named him ‘Mixed Signals’ for blogging purposes.

So anyway, what does everyone think I should do about my membership?  Extend for a month?  Extend for 3 months?  Extend for 6 months and start saving for my funeral as I will absolutely kill myself if I am the recipient of the 6 month loser clause membership for the 3rd year in a row.

Oh, and I do believe I have a date with the 6’4″ guy this weekend.  Can you see me jumping for joy?  Yeah, that’s ’cause I’m not.

They’re So Lucky? February 21, 2012

Although dehydrated from all the crying I’ve been doing over the past two days only made worse by an amazingly sweet message received via FB from TD’s 15 year old son saying that they’d miss me and thanking me for being a part of their lives and hoping I would be again in the future (kleenex anyone?), I’ve been trudging thru the cesspool of Match.  Not in that I’ve actually run a search, mind you, but in order to respond to a couple not so horrible guys that have contacted me.  Too bad for them, I have absolutely no interest in either of them because they are not TD.  But that’s just not productive now, is it?  I know.

Before I get to them, I have to admit that I broke down and called TD tonight.  I fully intended not to, but he text messaged me about a mutual business thing that we were going to do and offering to back out of it as he assumed I couldn’t work with him.  I know I shouldn’t have and I hope I don’t again, but I needed to hear that he was okay and that he missed me.  No, I’m not lame enough to actually ask him, but he openly told me that he did.  Which is lame in its own right as he’s the one who caused this.  Just to prove that I’m a glutton for punishment, every time I’m on match I covertly check to see if he’s online.  Which he is…….a lot.  At least my stomach has stopped dropping when I see this though, so that’s progress, right?  I asked him if he had contacted anyone yet and he admitted to sending out a couple of winks but that he’s terrified of actually meeting people.  He said he had run 1 search, but that when 324 women came up, he got overwhelmed and went to watch a movie with his daughter instead.  Uhm, narrow your search maybe?  He admitted that when we originally met, he had to take an anxiety pill beforehand as well as a pre-happy hour cocktail in order to even be able to show up.  The man is that unsure of himself.  So sad as he’s pretty terrific (yes, even after all this, I think so).  We ended up talking for almost 2 hours and I know he misses me.  I know he wants to call and text and whatever but won’t.  He will only follow my lead on this.  Too bad I have no clue what I’m doing.  Sucks that we’re each other’s best friends as it’s kind of a double whammy.  Anyway, he choked up a couple of times and I did a couple of dozen times, but in the end I said goodbye.  And  as I’m apparently ridiculously selfless (or is it selfish?), I encouraged him to actually contact some women and set up dates.  After all, isn’t that the point?  For him to comparison shop?  For him to see if he can find anyone better for him than I am?  He can’t, btw.  Really though, if he doesn’t actually date, then how is he ever going to figure out that I am the right one for him and isn’t this whole thing all for naught otherwise?  Yeah, I actually said that to him.  I’m a peach….. A delusional one, but still…..

So back to my match.com guys.  One actually lives all of about 3 blocks from me so I refuse to tell him where I live as that sort of freaks me out.  He seems somewhat boring and lame and has a gap in his 2 front teeth that should we ever actually meet, will cause me to look at either some spot on his forehead or the wall behind where he sits in order to avoid staring at it.  I have asked him absolutely nothing of a personal nature as that’s how little I care and he doesn’t seem to notice.  Funny how tall and blonde can make up for boring and disinterested.  I’m sure I’ll end up meeting him at some point because a) I need distractions b) he’s 6’2″ and c) I’m a bitch like that.

Bachelor #2 is a bit of a quandary as well and has me a little freaked out.  He’s 51, which is not thrilling news to me, but has the same 1st name as TD and is in the same profession.  Funny that when he initially contacted me, it came from a different screen name that was not only TD’s 1st name, but also the 1st initial of his last name.  Yup, when I saw just the ‘from’ information I had hoped it was from TD.  Anywhoo, this guy seems funny and nice and is very complimentary.  And again has opted to look past my boring and disinterested messages to him.  As he’s 6’4″ though, I may meet him for the sole opportunity to wear my new 5″ wedges.  Duh, we all know I suck already, so stop acting surprised.

.

(damn, this whole thing has turned me into a shitty writer to boot ……….sorry ’bout that)

F U Match.com + Operation Distraction ……. February 20, 2012

Really?  As if yesterday wasn’t bad enough, Match.com has opted to rear unleash it’s sense of humor on me.  Amongst the 10 other winks and messages that induced less than a positive response from me, I got one from a 54 year old Asian man, 5’7″, holding up a dead fish in his main profile picture.  What. The. Fuck?!?!?!  I got a message from a 27 year old as well.  And 4 other winks from men over 50.  And a message from an ‘okay’ guy.  I decided to actually respond to that one.  With probably what was the most boring and non GGD style message ever.  Yey him.  Problem being, I don’t much care at this point.  With only 12 days left to ‘fish’ in the cesspool (and not for you little Asian fisherman), I need to get some sort of motivation to at least run a search.  Or 15.

In other related news, after my 3rd trip to bed yesterday (way to waste a gorgeous holiday monday), I got a text from my friend inviting me to a basketball game.  Thank god!  Something to do!  Better yet, something to do that involved free food and alcohol! 

In an attempt to occupy my time and actually be productive with all the free time I will now have instead of always being with and at TD’s, I have made a grooming appointment for one of my doggies that is long past due and have made an appointment for a tattoo that I have wanted to get forever, but have been putting that off as well.  My last tattoo was of a key.  A key in order to remind me what it is that’s important in life.  A key to what I’m looking for.  A key that signifies so many different thing on any given day.  As TD has sort of fucked up my grand plan for a happy life with him (dumbass) , I am finally going to finish off my tattoo.  With 3 little words circling my key.  3 words that really say it all.  “Live, Love, Laugh”.  Now I just have decide on a font and placement.

I’ve also been putting off Red Onesie who wants to meet me again, so need to set something up with that douchebag (oy, great attitude, I know) and Finger Foods as he’s been trying to do lunch with me for weeks.  I figure I’ll give myself the rest of this week to be a sorry loser, and then pull my head out sometime over the weekend.  Sounds good on paper, right?  I’m giving 3:1 odds …………

Broken Records February 20, 2012

So I went to Vegas on Sunday.  And stayed for 3 days.  With TD.  Yup, I know;  allow me to bang my head against the wall with all of you.  Thing is, we had an amazing time.  Well, that is after we found my lost suitcase (which they made me check due to an overcrowded flight), survived the 2 hours long taxi line and finally got to our room.  It was as it always should have been.  Laughing and talking and hand holding and yes, I got a couple of bike rides in to boot.  Nope, he didn’t press the issue, I did.  I invoked the whole ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ mindset and I really really liked it.  Too bad we had to come back to reality.  I had my whole ‘see ya” speech all ready to go upon my return but there was a bit of a glitch in that my crazy ex from 13 years ago figured out where I live and I was scared that he would come to my house when he was in town.  So TD invited me to stay at his house with him.  And his kids.  And we had an awesome week.  I loved it.  It was just easy and fun and damn him for not seeing how we just ‘fit’.

I almost had myself convinced, yes again, that I could do this.  I could stick it out and play the friend role while he searched elsewhere.  I knew I would always take 1st priority for him, so what could be so hard about that?  Well, as we all know, my life doesn’t work like a rom-com.  We were in bed two nights ago at his place and we’re both very touchy feely people.  All of a sudden he pulls away and I jokingly (not really) called him a tease.  He responded that he knew he was, he didn’t mean to be, and that he was sorry but………… and then the whole ‘can’t commit’ discussion came up again and I do believe I finally get it.  It’s not that he can’t commit, it’s that he can’t commit to me.  He doesn’t think his feelings for me are strong enough.  He doesn’t know if it’s the circumstances, his fear of committing in general, or if it is, in fact, just me. 

I told him I could not do this any more.  That it was too hard for me.  He understood.  He appreciates all that I have done for him.  Knows that he has really strong feelings for me, but doesn’t know if they are the ‘right’ ones.  He knows it’s not fair to me to ask me to stay.  He knows he’s been very selfish in expecting me to be there.  He knows how hard this has been for me.  In addition to losing him, the man who I want to be with as well as the man who is my best friend, I’ve just walked away from his kids.  15 and 16 respectively and they’re awesome.  And I couldn’t tell them what was going on as it just wasn’t my place.  So I had to say goodbye to them just like I’d see them again the next day.  I couldn’t tell them that i’d miss them.  How awesome I think they are.  How much fun I have with them.  I just left.  And left them probably wondering how it could be so easy for me to just up and disappear from their lives after so long.  It’s anything but easy.  I consider them my family too.  We were all supposed to go to the trampoline park today and I wonder what they are thinking about my not being there today and what TD is telling them.  I have no doubt that he will take the fall for my going away (as he should); I just hope he let’s them know how much I really do care.

So after my casual goodbye to the kids, TD walked me to my car where it finally hit him that this was it.  That I was serious this time.  That I was leaving and not coming back.  That I was finally doing what I should have done months ago.  And it sucks.  We both cried.  A lot.  He didn’t just shed some tears, he fully broke down and cried as much as I did.  That threw me off.  And made everything that much harder.  He’s my best friend and I’m his.  I see the million wonderful qualities in him and he thinks the same about me.  There’s just something missing for him.  And I can’t fix it.  And it kills me to think he’s going to find someone else.  I waffle back and forth between hoping he finds someone amazing and hoping that he doesn’t.  That he finally figures out that I’m the one for him and comes to find me.  I don’t think that’s going to happen though.

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of 8 months.  He’s made me happier than anyone ever has but has also made me sadder.  My self confidence has taken a hit due to him.  The fact remains that I want he and his kids in my life for the next 50 years and that’s just not going to happen.  I’ve taken his number out of my phone.  I’ve updated my profile on Match (which I will be a member of for the next 12 days before it expires).  I will try my hardest to find someone who I deserve and who cherishes me.  I just don’t really see that happening though.

I’m not real sure how I’m going to do this.  I’ve tried to walk away from TD before and failed.  I can’t let that happen again.  We’ve never once had a fight.  I’m not mad at him.  I don’t hate him.  How do I handle knowing that I will most likely never see or talk to him again?  How do I just forget everything and move on?

Full Moon Still? February 12, 2012

So I do believe that since my pity 6 month membership with awesome match ends in 2 short weeks they may be stepping up their game.  I have had NO action (figuratively or literally) from there to speak of in weeks.  Not that I’ve been trying mind you, but still.  I mean, I think I could pretty much have naked pics of me up there and I still wouldn’t around the slightest bit of attention from the male species (again, sadly, meant figuratively and literally).  All of a sudden though, yesterday hits and they must be running some sort of promotion on my behalf.  As in ‘feign interest in the loser woman ’cause her membership expires soon and we want her to renew…………again.’.

Anyway, yesterday I not only received a message from a totally inappropriately aged idiot, but also a fairly decent looking fellow who clearly has commitment issues (yey me) AND from Red Onesie AND from FWB, who I haven’t heard from in over a year.

Now, FWB sent me a message via match.  Silly boy.  Red Onesie, however, sent me a text message.  A nice one.  Basically asking if I was still single, apologizing for being an idiot and wanting to know if I’d give him a second chance.

Huh ………… no clue what I’ll do with any of these contacts.  KInd off odd that I hear from 2 blasts from the pasts in the same day.  Maybe they’re desperate for a valentine’s date and think they’ll get luck?  Maybe they miss me?  Maybe they lost a bet?  Who knows………..for now, though, I’m off to Vegas for a couple of days to try and have some fun …….

If Only I Could Bottle This (and then throw it away) February 7, 2012

You know how it’s always the ones that make you want to throw yourself off the nearest and tallest building that seem to think you’re the shit?  Yeah, I’m having one of those days.  Unbelievable.  I’ve had my ass grabbed by a grown man while working my 2nd job.  I was actually catcalled at today.  I had a little old man, in a motorized cart, park about 6 inches behind where I was standing and leer at me for a good 5 minutes before I actually turned around and asked him if there was something he needed.  You know what he needed?  To tell me that he thought I had really nice legs.  And then continued to stare at them.  And me.  The best yet though?  Got a facebook message today.  Yey me.  Not really.  From my psycho ex from 13 years ago letting me know he’ll be in my town next week and wanting to meet.  Uhm…….. sorry, but I think my restraining order has expired since ‘the good old days’, so I’m going to pass on that one.  I honestly wouldn’t put it past him to track me down and show up on my doorstep.  I’m more than a little worried about that……

So that, my friends, has been my day in a nutshell.  Dirty old man, dirty young man, stupid catcalling men, psycho ex.  Yey me.  And it’s only Tuesday.  I can’t wait to see what the rest of the week holds. 

It has got to be a full moon tonight ………

Why I’m Single + The Worst Words Uttered……..Ever February 4, 2012

So of course I couldn’t just let it go when Mr. Dickhead sent me a one word response to my e-mail.  I could have been the bigger person and just let it go knowing what a douchebag he was and most likely always will be, but that just wouldn’t be my style, now would it?  Instead I opted to take the uber mature road and send a concise response of my own that went something like this:

Thanks so much for your very wordy response.  As you still didn’t bother to tell me your name or even go to the effort of phrasing your stellar one word ‘when’ in a complete sentence in response to my agreeing to meet for a drink, I feel that you deserve an equally stellar reply, so how about ‘never’.

Yup, I’m going to be single for a looooooong time to come.

—————–

So as for those words that I hope no one ever has to hear.  Please refrain from yelling at your computer when you hear the very abbreviated back story and sending multiple ‘I told you so’, ‘You’re an idiot’, ‘You deserve it’, ‘Pull your head out of your ass’ comments.  I know.  I also know it will come as no surprise that TD came back into the picture after our craptastic spectacular New Years Eve.  We spent pretty much every day of January together.  When my brother in law was killed TD was there for me every step of the way and honestly, I don’t know how I would have made it through things without him.  Sure, I knew he had told me that he will be dating again, but I chose to pay attention to his actions instead of his words.  Huh, who knew that neither are mutually exclusive.  This time around though, he fooled not even himself and me, but everyone that saw us together.  I gave up trying to explain that we’re ‘just friends’ to everyone around us as they all would shake their head and explain why I was the one that was mistaken.  TD had even said that having had to go to yet another funeral with me has put a new perspective on things and how he really knew what was important now.  Silly me assumed that meant regarding me.  Actually it did.  In that I’m not who he wants.  At least not yet until he comparison shops around.  As that makes absolutely no sense to me, I asked him yesterday, point blank, why it was that he was so quick to discount me as an option without even ever giving us a real chance at dating?  How he was going to know when he had dated enough to know what it was that he was looking for?  How, if you’re always looking for something better, you’re never going to be happy.  Through tears, and explaining that he would in fact be comparing all of his internet dates to me, how it wouldn’t be fair for him to ask me not to date while he did, how it did bother him that I was dating others, then he uttered the most horrible phrase I’ve ever heard.  And hope to never hear again.  And yes, I should have known all along, but he runs so hot and cold and there is much more that I haven’t shared with any of you in regards to things he’s said, done, inferred, implied, whatever.  This man is terrified of commitment and making a mistake.  This man has honestly treated me better than anyone ever has in the past.  This man has made me happier than anyone else in the past.  And has made me the saddest.  Things are a bit convoluted at the moment, and although I know I’ve said it in the past, I mean it this time.  I need to let him, it and my hopes of a future with TD go.  So, what was that horrible phrase?  What did he say to me that pretty much crushed any lingering hope I might have held onto?  He simply said:

I’m just not excited by the thought of having a relationship with you

Glad To See Absolutely Nothing Has Changed…… February 3, 2012

Fine, so I mustered up the energy (not enthusiasm) to update my match.com profile so it would send me to the top of the shitpile of single women in my town and all the losers single men in my area would be struck dumb by my stunning beauty and sparkling personality.  Okay, to be honest, they’re pretty dumb on their own so they didn’t need my enthusiasm.

After summarily deleting multiple winks and e mails from random tool bags (and their grandfathers), I came across a semi decent one. Could have been a form message, but he was 6’3″ and didn’t make me want to stab myself when I looked at his pictures, so I responded.

As I can’t possibly put into words how fucking amazingly astonished I was to see him go from ‘possible’ to ‘ugh’, I’ll just post our witty message exchange for your reading displeasure.

Him: 

I love your profile.   Looking to find the right person.  I have recently moved here from Atlanta and am having a house built.  If you are up for some drinks and hanging out later let me know.

(yes, I must be fairly desperate for male companionship to think that this ice cold message with no signature or anything of interest included might be worth actually showering for)

Me:

 Hello,

Thanks for the e-mail.  You neglected to tell me your name though and as I can’t pronounce ‘*****’, I’m hoping that’s not it.

I liked your profile and your list of what you’re looking for in a woman.  I’ve got most of them pretty much covered.  Right down to the ‘must like watching sports or at least act like it’ part.

Drinks sound great.  I much prefer meeting face to face and having a conversation over messaging back and forth forever…….. just sayin’.  Welcome to Arizona!

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Him: 

When

We’re meeting tomorrow at 7.  No, not really.  I may be desperate for male companionship, but with witty banter like that, I’d rather stay home and talk to my dogs.

What Should I Be More Concerned About February 2, 2012

So as my craptastic match membership ends in a little more than 3 weeks and several people have suggested that I try a dating site that I haven’t before (yes, I know, absolutely amazing that I missed one out of the 572 that I’ve been on), I decided I’d give it a shot.  I set up a really quick (lame) profile, sans picture, just so I could see what it was like.  Now, I’m not sure if I should be more worried about the fact that all of ‘my matches’ that they chose for me looked to be seasoned chain gang members or the fact that the security code word that I needed to type in to validate my half assed profile was ‘shrew’.  I mean, really?  They don’t even know me.

Loser Clause Is About To Expire February 1, 2012

No, not the clause that states that i’m apparently a big fat loser for being a participant in the online dating cesspool world for 2 (TWO!) years with only a drinking problem and an addiction to prescription pain medications to show for it.  Not even the clause that states that the law of averages has to at least bend in favor once every blue moon.  It’s the loser clause that was invoked when after 6 months on shitty stellar Match.com when I hadn’t been able to secure a decent guy, much less a 2nd date (much to my delight dismay).  They gave me another 6 months to search for free!  Yey me!  Or not. Hell, I’ve got to be able to find a good guy this time, right?  Alas, my pity subscription runs out in a scant 28 days, with nary a date to show for it.  I certainly haven’t been perusing the site lately (pretty much for the past 3 months), so I guess I better get to it so I have something to write about other than ‘woe is me’ crap.  Oh, but I do have a confession to make.  One that will probably make you all (the 3 of you that are left wondering what the hell ever happened to the fun and snarky gal that started this blog) bang your head against the wall and possibly throw your computer out the window, but that’s for another post.  Yeah, I know.  I suck.  You’re welcome. 

Oh, and I was only kidding about the drinking problem and rx addiction.  I don’t have any sort of addiciton to pills and I drink just fine, thank you.

Lesson Learned January 21, 2012

Hi All.  Nope, nowhere near ready to start blogging again.  I can barely get thru the day without breaking into spontaneous bouts of crying.  This past week has been quite the eye opener.  Yet another good man gone before his time.  Gone totally unexpectedly.  My sister had kissed her husband goodbye as he left for work at 6am.  She sat down with the kids for breakfast at 7am and called him, on his cel phone, as they did every morning from breakfast to see how his ride to work was and how his morning was going.  They went to voicemail.  He was already gone.  Killed by some shit in an SUV.  I can only hope he had no idea what was happening (my brother in law, that is, not the other guy).  He was a very good man.  He loved my sister very much.  It took her 41 years for her to find him, so the fact that they had less than 5 years together just isn’t fair by any stretch of the imagination.

You just never know when the last time you see someone is going to be the last time.  Life, and death, doesn’t follow some spreadsheeted chart or follow strict schedules.  While I do believe that everything happens for a reason I also believe that sometimes that reason is a little harder to figure out.  I’m still trying to figure this one out.  I’ve taken my brother in law’s death really hard.  Harder than I thought I would.  I honestly didn’t spend a ton of time getting to know him.  For that, I will be forever regretful.  All I knew was that he loved my sister and that was good enough for me.  Life, schedules, priorities, laziness, whatever gets in the way sometimes.  They lived an hour away from me across town.  Hated that drive.  Didn’t make it very much.  I’ve probably made that drive more times in the past 8 days than I have in the previous 3 years. 

She met him on the internet ya’ know.  On match.  He sent her a lame wink.  She responded.  They met.  They went out 3 times and then the rest was history.  They spent almost every single day together from then on.  My sister didn’t have great luck with guys or dating up until she met him.  She met him and she knew.  Sure, there were things that didn’t mesh and went against what she was used to, but she saw past all of that and had faith that this was the man for her.  I admire that.  I need to learn from that.  I do not have a list of qualities or attributes set in stone that I want in a man.  Sure, I have preferences and some non negotiables (must not talk with mouth full or kick puppies), but I have always believed that I’d know when I met the right guy.  He may not fit all the criteria or what I had in my head I wanted, but I did and still do believe that I’d just know.  I’m not one to try to shove square pegs into round holes in order to make them fit.  I see people for who they are.  I see me for who I am.  Sometimes bitchy and impatient, often snarky and sarcastic, but always with the best intentions and a great big heart (that I try to  hide from plain sight). 

I don’t care what other people think of my choices in life.  I do what I feel is right for me.  Be it in careers, guys, lifestyle, whatever.  As long as I’m not hurting anyone else, then all is good.  I don’t want to go through life looking for the bad in people.  Always thinking there is something or someone better.  Searching for imperfections so I can have an excuse to cut and run.  I’m not perfect.  No one is.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Not everyone knows how to express what they’re feeling without sounding like a total asshole.  Some people don’t have a ‘filter’ (like my mother who told me I looked like shit without makeup (which I don’t wear all that much of anyway) the day of the accident and that’s why she didn’t recognize me).  I don’t want to be the person that looks for and points out the bad.  I don’t want to be the person that is willing to forgo something really good in the hopes of finding something better.  I want to be able to take that leap of faith that allows me to believe that everything will work out fine.  Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.  I’m just not willing to waste my life waiting for ‘what if’………..

Appreciate what you have now.  Always strive to improve yourself.  Know that you’ll never be able to change anyone else.  Work on making yourself happy.  Realize that just because things aren’t going exactly how you have them scripted out in your head, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.  Stand your ground when necessary.  Adjust when needed.  Enjoy what you have, when you have it, for however long is possible ………..

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

(don’t you worry, I’ll be back …….. with snarky stupid thoughts and stories about god knows what ………. not right now …….. maybe not anytime soon ………. but wait for me.  I’m just trying to find my bearings again……)

:-( January 15, 2012

Just so no one thinks i’m MIA due to anything good, let me assure you that that couldn’t be further from the truth.

My twin sister’s husband, whom it took her 41 years to meet, was killed in a motorcycle accident earlier this week. 

Everyone is in a bit of a tailspin and I have taken on a lot of the planning responsibilities. 2 funerals in 2 months is a bit much……. both wonderful guys who were taken before their time…….

My (not so) Stellar Stats for 2011 January 8, 2012

No, I’m not giving you my body measurements people.  Geez.  What sort of a tramp do you think I am?  I wish I were a better one actually, but that’s besides the point.  Anyway, although wordpress was nice enough to send out a recap of 2011 for me regarding blog hits, blog posts, subscribers, most popular posts and all other things numeric, we all know those aren’t the numbers that really count in a blog about internet dating.  What really counts is the number of tools, douchebags, idiots, assholes, pervs and losers that I met.  Sadly this number far outweighs the number of nice guys that I got to meet, but what can ya’ do?  And yes, before anyone opts to point out that the only common denominator in every single one of my shitty dates was me, I’m well aware.  Really, I am.  I do feel that I’ve let everyone down in a sense though.  Besides my one hour long coffee date with the little man who assumed that would mean he got to talk dirty to me (via text, of course) in December, my last official ‘date’ (aside from my 2,478 faux ones with TD) was on September 14th.  I missed out on more than 3 months of douchebag fishing!  Darn.  The fact that the following stats are really for a scant 9 months makes the whole thing even sadder.

2011 started with me dating Irish Guy (I would post a link back to him, but honestly, I’m just sick of even thinking about him).  He has yet to truly figure out that I want nothing more to do with him and although the frequency has diminished, he still calls and hangs up on my vm at least once a month.  I went out with tons several guys after that before landing on Webster.  We were all convinced, based on my blind assessment of him, that he was a good one.  Save for all the ridiculous drama and addiction issues going on in his life or course.  As I came to realize (after he informed me that he met someone else), it was more chemistry than compatibility with him.  That boy could kiss like no ones business!  I still miss those kisses.  Just not anything else.  Yey me.  After that was another parade of time wasters bachelors until I met TD.  No, stop screaming and don’t bother running for the hills or pounding your head against the computer monitor, I’m certainly not going to bore you with any of my ridiculousness regarding him.  I’ve put you all through quite enough already.

Basically 2011 brought me a bevy of men whose names and faces I can’t remember (yet ironically, most are still programmed into my phone to amuse and confuse me).  It brought some amazingly funny times.  Some exceptionally sad times.  More tears than I care to remember.  Lots of laughter that I try to remember.  I started out the year on about 15 dating websites.  Okay, slight exaggeration on my part, but it was more than anyone should ever be on at once.  There was E-Horrorme; who I can thank for all of 2 dates as they were the best of the worst and stood over 5’5″ tall.  There was Chemistry; who I can thank for a bunch of idiotic ’ice breakers’, all of 2 dates, and a bunch of men that fell off the face of the earth before opting to meet (which can only be attributed to their being married and nothing bad on my part, right?).  There was Plenty of Freaks who I can most likely thank for my overindulgence in all things vodka.  I was, and still am, only on there because I can’t figure out how to delete my profile.  Then there was OkStupid.  The name pretty much speaks for itself.  Although I met several guys off of there, it didn’t pan out any better than the others.  That brings us to Match.com, which was nice enough to bestow upon me the 6 month loser membership for free.  Yey me.

You don’t really care about all of this drivel though.  It’s so much more fun to see concrete numbers.  Try not to be too impressed with my ability to date so many different men and still be single, but please feel free to use me as a ruler in realizing that your luck isn’t nearly as bad by comparison!

2011 Dating Stats:

1st Dates: 34

1.5 Dates (fucking Fancy Pants): 1
2nd Dates: 6

3rd dates: 1 (finally)

actually got up to a 6th date before the shit hit the fan

‘Views on Match’: 6,347

Free drinks consumed : at least 70

Number of penis pics received : 0 (thank goodness)

and our newest category; bike rides in 2011: 3

Now, all this being stated, my outlook on finding ‘the one’ has taken a bit of a beating however I refuse to stop searching.  Sure, it’s depressing and discouraging and pretty much a big huge pain in the ass to keep looking, but he’s out there.  I just know it.  And it’s my job to find him.  However hard he’s trying to hide from me.

It Worked! January 8, 2012

It worked!  It worked!  My powers of persuasion are actually starting to kick into gear!  If only I could harness this gift of mine in order to be able to play puppet master with certain someones, then life would be just peachy!  Baby steps though, and I’ll take what I can get I guess.  Anyway, yesterday I posted a mini rant on winking.  As in, I’d rather shove a rusty fork in my eye than respond to your lame assed wink that you deemed me worthy of.  I said how I went so far as to write in my profile to please not send a wink, but an actual message instead.  Well, guess what I had waiting for me this morning?!  Go ahead, guess!  Not one, but TWO actual messages!  Along with 8 winks, but that’s besides the point.  I was so impressed!  These guys had already earned brownie points in my book for being able to follow directions (*sigh*, how my standards have changed).  I was excited that is, until I actually read the messages.  Please enjoy:

Hi, how are you? I really took time to read your profile as well as admire your pretty picture.
I love Colorado, and I have enjoyed the opportunity to see many places like Black Canyon National Park, Ouray, Telluride, Buford, The Great Sand Dunes, Manitou Springs, and so much more. I love learning, and I have spent time developing myself through higher education, and learning from others. There is a quote that I love that goes like this……”a man that works with his hands is a laborer, a man that works with his mind is a teacher, and a man that works with his hands, heart, and mind is an artist. I like to think of myself that way…as an artist. I work with my hands as a guitarist, I work with my mind as a teacher (college professor), and I work with my heart as a psychologist (yes really I finish my doctorate in May).

I consider myself to be simple in many ways, but I have an affinity for the path of versatility. I crave variety and new experiences in life, and I am thankful for each day I am alive.
I think a man and a woman must genuinely like each other to have a chance at anything long term. Physical desire and chemistry are truly important, and liking someone for the person they are is equally important. I am thankful for all opportunities and blessings in life, and I am confident in who I am in this life.

Maybe you will read something special between these lines, and we can chat soon.

Yeah, aside from the fact that I don’t actually live in Colorado, I’m wondering what his success rate actually is with this rambling cut and paste job?  And, off topic just a bit, why the hell do I care what his favorite national parks are?  He may as well has written ‘I love camping’!  ‘Cause as we all know, unless he’s referring to a 12 year old Holiday Inn with questionable cable reception (my idea of roughing it), I’m not a big fan.

As a bonus, here’s the 2nd message I received this morning:

Hello,Hope your having a good new year so far. I was looking at your profile and think we have some things in common. You are very gorgeous and I would like to talk and get to know you. I’m pretty new to this and just looking to see what happens. Well, let me know if you would like to talk more. Get back either way and talk to you soon. Have a good rest of your weekend.

Not quite as painful as the 1st (and he called me gorgeous – granted after using ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’,  but still strikes me as a cut and paste job), but at least he lives in state.   I haven’t actually bothered to read his profile yet, but I may actually write back to this one.  Maybe.  It depends on how bored I get.  Oh whoops, never mind.  I just read his profile.  He loves camping and reading books on spirituality.  Awesome!  Sadly, the fact that he has a picture of a dirt bike mixed in with his pics doesn’t help.  Nor does the fact that every picture but one of him is taken from a pretty far distance (never a good sign) and the one that is close enough to almost be able to discern facial features sports a pretty prominent unibrow.

Stop It! You Look Like You Have Turrettes January 7, 2012

So we’re all pretty aware that I think a ‘wink’ is the lamest form of initial contact on a dating website.  We also know that I’ve been known to use it from time to time.  Usually because the guy doesn’t interest me enough to actually read his profile or I actually have read his profile and find pretty much nothing appealing aside from the fact that I think he’s hot.  Don’t even act surprised to hear how superficial I can be; it’s no big secret.

Out of all the options for contacting and trying to win the key to my heart (or at least access to my lime green granny panties), a wink is the surest way to make sure that that never happens.  Is it that difficult to string just a few words together that show me that you actually read just part of my profile?  That you know the slightest something about me other than the fact that I’m tall and blonde? (well, auburn this week )  I guess so.

I got fed up (again) by the multitude of stupid winks I’ve been getting so being as passive aggressive is my primary language, I opted to add a special little snippet to my match.com profile.  What do you think?

I’m much more likely to respond to an actual e-mail.  Doesn’t have to be a long one, just needs to take a tiny bit more effort than a wink. I’m just sayin’….think about it; you wink; I wink back; now we’re right back where we started

Give me credit for not making it as bitchtastic as I could have. I actually thought it would be less than pc to write what I really wanted to.

 Don’t send me a wink.  It’s lame.  You’re lame.  Put some effort into this please.

Want to know how well putting this little gem in my profile has worked?  I got 12 winks today.  Yey me.

Quick Recap of 2011 January 5, 2012

WordPress has their way of summing things up and so do I. Truth be told, this is probably only the past 6 months. Mom’s so proud.

Dating Recap of 2011 is in the works. I just seem to be running low on Vodka is all and will need plenty in order to be able to get through that mess!