Hi All! It’s been a while. A long while. A long while full of drama. All self induced of course. Okay, not really. I had nothing much of interest to post towards the end of last year. I had an impending surgery that I was terrified of. Although terrified of said surgery, I was also under the very misguided impression that recovery for this surgery would be 3-4 weeks. Uhm, no. Try 3-4 months. More like 6-12 months. I apparently never knew what pain was before this surgery. What I would have described as an ’8′ (on the stellar ‘rate your pain scale of 1-10′) before the surgery would barely hit the 2 mark on pain levels since surgery. It’s tested everything about me. My tollerance for ‘real’ pain (apparently I have none), my ability to cope with being completely disabled (not very good), my ability to admit that I need help and to ask for said help (nil), my ability to see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ (not there yet) and my ability to deal with the fact that it is what it is. You see, I had my knee totally replaced. As I’m on the younger end of the spectrum for that I mistakenly assumed my recovery would be all that much easier. It hasn’t been. If anything, it’s made everything harder. I’ve had to swallow my pride and adopt the ways of the geriatric. It’s been 5 weeks since surgery and I still have to use a cane to walk (at least I don’t have to use my walker in public any more). I am still in pretty constant pain. I’m still fairly helpless in that I can’t do much of anything for more than 10-15 minutes a couple times a day. I’m still stubborn as all get out as although I know I’m supposed to be doing nothing in order to recover, I still have to work and am making things much harder on myself than they need to be.
Anyway, as this is a dating blog and certainly not a rehab one, I will give you the rundown on all that I have learned through this.
1) Getting old sucks
2) No one wants to deal with (much less date) someone who’s about to have major surgery and who will require pretty constant assistance for weeks on end
3) The week before surgery is the worst possible time to (yes, again) tell TD that we shouldn’t ever be friends again
4) That by saying #3 to TD that would mean that although every other time (what are we up to, 6? 7?) I’ve called it quits, he’s checked in at some point with a ‘I miss talking to you’ or a ‘I hope you are well’ text, he really WOULDN’T this time
5) That the fact that he hasn’t done that this time, knowing what a huge surgery I was having, is crushing.
6) That the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas card (they take fun family pics every year – actually I’ve been the one to play photographer for the previous 2 years – not this one) made me cry
7) That the fact that I didn’t even get a 2 word ‘thank you’ text for the Christmas gifts (that I bought before opting to break free) has me baffled
8) That being totally incapacitated and on pain meds makes me a whiny, weepy mess
9) That one of my dogs hates when I cry and runs upstairs (he probably knows I can’t make it up the stairs yet)
10) That the apparent limit for friends to be concerned or patient or check in with me regarding how I’m doing is 4 weeks. And I’ve surpassed that
11) That my constant desire to not bother or inconvenience others is interpreted as something entirely different by others. I had NO idea that when I was turning down offers of help or assistance (prior to surgery and since) SOLELY because I didn’t want to put anyone out, it was being interpreted as me not trusting them or my being controlling. I had NO idea!
I’ve certainly had my fair share of pity parties. I can’t quite determine if this horrible surgery is the cause of it all or if the TD Factor plays into it. I’m sure it’s a combination of both. As I know you all hate to hear about him, I will give my final update on him. Stop yelling. I haven’t spoken to him, texted with, written or anything else for more than 6 weeks. I’ve unfriended him on FB. I’ve blocked the closet dweller, the nasty ex wife & the crazy ex girlfriend neighbor from being able to see my page.
He’s back with the closet dweller. For the 3rd time. They’ve opted, after a year, to make it FB official (I guess they’re 14). She has taken to posting pictures of them in Vegas, in Tahoe, has friended all of his kids and ‘tags’ him in just about every post that she makes. Yes, I know, why the hell am I looking at her page? Better yet, why the hell would I create a fake page for my dog so I could see said page since I have her blocked? (yes, I’m a bigger loser than even I suspected) He’s told me that she’s like a puppy dog and he can’t stand to break her heart (apparently he was okay with doing that to me though). He’s told me that she doesn’t make him a better person or bring much of anything to the table. He’s told me that it’s better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them. And he’s chosen her. And will never choose me. I remember all the great times; he chooses to remember the bad. I think about him every single day but will not contact him. I just can’t believe that I’ve heard nothing. Sure, I told him that I couldn’t be friends and technically he’s following my wishes, but he’s never done that before. I actually texted him, in a panic, when I was in pre-op. All I wrote was ‘scared’ and he sent some vanilla reply about feeling better when it was all over. I responded with ‘I wish you were here with me’ to which I got ‘I’m too high maintenance; hopefully this will bring you closer to some good people’. And that was it. Nothing further. He hasn’t checked with my friends, my family, no-one. I can’t believe it. I know he probably thinks this is just yet another of my temporary breaks but it’s not. I’m ashamed and embarassed of the past year and a half. It’s been destructive for me, for him and for our friendship. I told him, that fateful day a week before surgery that I felt like I was ‘filler’ for him. He denied it. I can’t help but know that he’s absolutely confirmed it. He’s got the closet dweller now. He doesn’t need me. He’s smiling in the pictures that I see on FB but I’m not sure he’s happy. I guess that’s his deal to figure out. My favorite picture of me and ‘us’ was from December of 2011. We were at a comedy show to see a friend. It’s a great picture. We both look happy and healthy and pardon my saying it, damn good together. His pictures with her are just kinda, i don’t know, stiff. They just don’t seem romantic. They seem more protective. And I’m not in them, so of course I hate them. ;-)
I always thoughts I was his ‘Cricket’. Apparently I was wrong. I’ve got a long way to go in recovering not just from my surgery (which I wish I never had), but from recovering from all the damage that the last year and half has caused. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was a bad idea to try and remain his friend??
KIDDING! I know you ALL did. I just chose not to listen. And I was wrong. I’m sorry……………